Losing best guy friend and feeling used...how to cope?

[Ladyphoto]

For 4 years, I have been a best friend to "Bob". He was single during that time and I was happily married (still am). My husband is a friend to Bob as well and has not been concerned in any way about our friendship. I don’t have a close female friend, just several "good" female friends. Bob always worked hard to get me to open up to him, and he told me often that he loves me and called me his best friend. I am a very shy person and it takes me a while to open up and trust someone due to past experiences. During that time, Bob initiated contact with me nine times out of ten. Bob is also an alcoholic who has not changed even with rehab several times. I also suspect he might be either bipolar and/or has an addictive personality, and he definately shows many signs of co-dependency. He has told me very strongly many times that he has trust issues with women because he’s been cheated on several times.

 

Last year, he had an affair with a married woman, who left her husband after they were found out. Bob is still with this woman and proclaims her to be the "woman of his dreams". He has told me that she has huge insecurities and is very jealous. Although she has welcomed all his close friends & family, she refused to speak to me. Bob has not made any attempt for me to meet her either. Her entire family knows me well, and I’m friends with them. She knows my husband and tends to flirt with him, although my husband just brushes it off.

 

I have not talked to him in any way in the past two months. Normally he was the one calling me all the time, but he has stopped. I know he needs to be happy and is busy with his girlfriend. However, maybe in my stupidity I thought that being a best friend meant being there for someone even if you’re busy when you know they’re going through a rough time, like I always did for him.

 

I feel so stupid and naive for feeling like he was a close friend. Now all I feel is empty and used. I really miss his friendship, but I’m doubting now if he was even a true friend, or if I was just a "filler" while he was single. I have never crossed the line, and I am a faithful wife, but looking back, I’m questioning all the things he’s said to me. At the time, I just dismissed his many compliments and sex talk to the fact that he was drinking (and for the record I got off the phone with him when he was like that). He used to confuse me by complimenting me and then lecturing me saying that "we’re just friends". I would reply that yes, we’re only friends and never anything more because I love my husband and I’ll never cheat.

 

I will be at the same charity event they’ll be attending next week, and I’m dreading it.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you cope with feeling so hurt and used? I try to stay busy with other activities and friends, but part of me still hurts for being ignored and made to feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t "approve" of their affair. I’ve tried talking to Bob over the Christmas holidays, but he turns it around and tries to make me feel as though I’ve done something wrong. My husband tells me to let him go, and that he doesn’t deserve my friendship if he’s going to act that way. I’m just feeling so lost. How do I cope with feeling used?

[teppo.valley]

For 4 years, I have been a best friend to "Bob". He was single during that time and I was happily married (still am). My husband is a friend to Bob as well and has not been concerned in any way about our friendship. I don’t have a close female friend, just several "good" female friends. Bob always worked hard to get me to open up to him, and he told me often that he loves me and called me his best friend. I am a very shy person and it takes me a while to open up and trust someone due to past experiences. During that time, Bob initiated contact with me nine times out of ten. Bob is also an alcoholic who has not changed even with rehab several times. I also suspect he might be either bipolar and/or has an addictive personality, and he definately shows many signs of co-dependency. He has told me very strongly many times that he has trust issues with women because he’s been cheated on several times.

 

Last year, he had an affair with a married woman, who left her husband after they were found out. Bob is still with this woman and proclaims her to be the "woman of his dreams". He has told me that she has huge insecurities and is very jealous. Although she has welcomed all his close friends & family, she refused to speak to me. Bob has not made any attempt for me to meet her either. Her entire family knows me well, and I’m friends with them. She knows my husband and tends to flirt with him, although my husband just brushes it off.

 

I have not talked to him in any way in the past two months. Normally he was the one calling me all the time, but he has stopped. I know he needs to be happy and is busy with his girlfriend. However, maybe in my stupidity I thought that being a best friend meant being there for someone even if you’re busy when you know they’re going through a rough time, like I always did for him.

 

I feel so stupid and naive for feeling like he was a close friend. Now all I feel is empty and used. I really miss his friendship, but I’m doubting now if he was even a true friend, or if I was just a "filler" while he was single. I have never crossed the line, and I am a faithful wife, but looking back, I’m questioning all the things he’s said to me. At the time, I just dismissed his many compliments and sex talk to the fact that he was drinking (and for the record I got off the phone with him when he was like that). He used to confuse me by complimenting me and then lecturing me saying that "we’re just friends". I would reply that yes, we’re only friends and never anything more because I love my husband and I’ll never cheat.

 

I will be at the same charity event they’ll be attending next week, and I’m dreading it.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you cope with feeling so hurt and used? I try to stay busy with other activities and friends, but part of me still hurts for being ignored and made to feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t "approve" of their affair. I’ve tried talking to Bob over the Christmas holidays, but he turns it around and tries to make me feel as though I’ve done something wrong. My husband tells me to let him go, and that he doesn’t deserve my friendship if he’s going to act that way. I’m just feeling so lost. How do I cope with feeling used?

Our own healthy needs for love, for understanding,for life. Our sensitivity, passion,

vulnerability,dependence, caring,the trouble is those things are the basic common ground

of positive human qualities and needs.If we fear those things, we may find it nearly

impossible to bridge to others.

It is like a man who wants a woman ( like you ) to be emotionally open to him even while he still tends to believe that emotions are silly.He can not possibily value emotion in her until and unless he values it in himself. It is the same with every quality we fear in ourselves is miniscule.,then the aspects we can handle in others will be miniscule.

It will always be the exact same slice that we can deal with in ourselves.