can i separate nicely from this mess?

[smiley]

i dated a guy for about two years but he went back & forth about being serious and we hadn’t been getting along great. didn’t speak to him for a month and kinda shunned his contact, gifts. after a month, i called, said hey, didn’t give you a chance to even work through things with me. he would speak with me but kept a distance. i figured because i’d hurt him. a month later he flew to vegas & got married. we didn’t talk much until about six months later when i became the other woman and then the wife became pregnant. He would tell her vague things about me, but she didn’t know the whole deal. we oscillated between not talking, saving a friendship, and being lovers. I guess between lucid choices and other. there were times he’d talk about what a mistake me made & he knew he shouldn’t have married her, times he asked me if i resented the baby. and times he talks of saving his family. ive always encouraged him to do whats best for the baby & be a good daddy. i told him id never ask for anything because of the baby. at the very least in the whole process we developed great communication, which had been kinda lacking before. he began talking divorce with the wife. a few months ago, the wife & i began talking, first nicely then she got rather nasty. i would have considered a relationship with him again if he divorced before i knew her, now im kinda in shock over how this person is a part of his life, and with a baby that she always will be. i didn’t hear anything from either for a while & then she’d email or call out of the blue explaining something, belittling me, etc, etc. she found out where i work, my home number, and most recently knocked on my door. the latest she started calling often, again emailing about wanting to meet me & to let her know a time to meet or send a picture. i ask to explain the importance & she doesn’t respond. then she said how we’d both been hurt & she had a way to “even the score with him.” well i called him & said i don’t know whats going on with you but im not holding anything against you for revenge. then she got mad that i called him. i haven’t spoken to either except for a few times when this sort of situation occurs. they talk both of saving the family & divorce but he knows there isn’t a place to stay here. and ive been dating. i would in the future like to be able to speak with him or email in a friendly catch up way. should i meet with her like she asks & just get the mystery out of the way or let them settle all their dust and deal with the possibility of unexpected contact whenever? i’d appreciate an outside viewpoint. sorry im not good with the paragraphs.

[Girlie]

Oi vez!! This sounds way too much like a relationship I was in. I honestly didn't think there would be another man quite like my ex and another woman like his. And yet here's someone describing a situation similar to the one I found myself in (except my ex had tried to hide the fact that he ran off to Vegas and got married).

Based on my experience, all I can really say is RUN!!! Run very fast. Get as far away from this situation as possible. Not only do not interact with this woman of his, but don't interact with him either. This is a mess and it will likely not get better. In fact, I don't even think there is the remotest possibility that this situation could turn out well.

Do yourself a favor and stay away from them both. It might be hard at first, but you will be glad you did in the end.

[curiousgeorge]

Why is every woman so surprised that the wife and mother of someone's child will stop at nothing to keep her husband and the father of her child?

 

What is wrong with you women? Are you out of your mind?

 

Do you think that if someone started F--- your husband you would just sit by the pool and relax. I really really dislike people like you...

[Arabess]

Well....I don't dislike you....BUT....

 

ANYTIME a person is involved in a relationship where it's success is based on a third party being ultimately dumped......chances are society will not applaud it.

 

If you expect a romantic end to this scenario....you are setting yourself up for failure. They just don't work out like that.

 

They are always messy once emotions run too deep. He is married, he has a family....he isn't leaving. For anyone to convince themselves otherwise is playing a fool's game.

 

Just find a way to walk away...and count it as time lost.

[smiley]

if you really dislike people like me, why are you spending your time reading this line of threads? im not surpised at all about the why, its the type of behavior. anyway that wasnt my question. i was explaining how i got to this point because i realize ive made a mistake. and, i've been trying to be responsible for it.

[Arabess]

Smiley,

Don't be concerned about other people's judgements. It doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is getting your own life back and getting over this guy. It takes hard work....and all the energy you'll be able to muster up. It may be the hardest thing you'll have to do in your life.

 

In the end though, you'll be glad you did. Again, it's really not worth your time and love to persue him....and the moral implications SUCK. HAHA!

 

Been there.....and understand.

[EnigmaXOXO]

The thing that strikes me as most curious, is why you are so still so desperate to interject yourself into this family. Is it the man you are afraid of loosing, or perhaps your sense of control over their lives?

 

ive always encouraged him to do whats best for the baby & be a good daddy.

 

a few months ago, the wife & i began talking, first nicely…

 

How did you manage to arrange THAT!!??

 

now im kinda in shock over how this person is a part of his life, and with a baby that she always will be. i didn’t hear anything from either for a while…

 

You're shocked at how the wife is a part of his life. . .and are calling her the baby? Am I the only one who sees the irony in that statement?

 

well i called him & said i don’t know whats going on with you but im not holding anything against you for revenge.

 

Giving him permission to seek ‘revenge’?????

 

i haven’t spoken to either except for a few times when this sort of situation occurs.

 

Why have you have placed yourself in the convenient position of now playing the family’s therapist?

 

i would in the future like to be able to speak with him or email in a friendly catch up way. should i meet with her like she asks…

 

I think it would be in everyone’s best interest if you removed yourself from this man and his family permanently, regardless of how co-dependant you have all become. Let go of your need to be constantly involved with this family before this bizarre fatal attraction of your’s goes any further.

[smiley]

basically i thought of her as the other woman when the whirlwind marriage happened. i was so angry with him, i asked him not to do anything he'd regret when he flew to vegas & if he had anything to tell me. all he said was he couldn't see me with another guy. i hadnt been but i did stop speaking without explaining. i was having a rotten time in a new career and i realized that wasnt the best way to communicate needing support. so he gets married and i wanted to work things out. we were both upset with each other but we would talk. i didnt really feel wrong to want him back till she got pregnant. i got mixed up between my head and my heart. knowing the baby was coming became my motivation to be honest with myself & trying to encouraging the best things for everyone. talking through everything with both of them has been a pretty enlightening experience. and fortunately my friends and family have been tremendous. the only thing im having trouble with is when the wife keeps contacting me for various reasons. i ignore it usually but its hard. the latest is she wants me to sign some statement so they can get a divorce immediately instead of waiting a year. but, i figure they certainly didnt need me to get married, so you can forget it now. i thought maybe writing about all this would be helpful.

[kkat]

Having a little trouble following this, but it appears that the wife has contacted you for various reasons including that she appears to be obsessing re: you (understandly so, you are with her husband) and wanting to know who you are, what your deal is, how you look, etc. I also get that she is now wanting you to participate with her in "evening the score" - seeking revenge on her now-husband? Is that correct? And now she has also approached you with a request that you sign a statement that would allow them to get a divorce more quickly. I am assuming (please advise) that this would be a statement confirming that he has had an extra-maritial relationship with you, which in some states, would change the playing field for the divorce parameters. If this is correct, it sounds like she is planning to divorce him, and wants your participation to help her divorce him more quickly and profitably.

 

I think you should stay far away from her, and him, and their potential divorce wars. No matter what happens, that's not going to be productive and it could get so ugly.

 

The thing I'm missing here is...do you want to be with him? Does he want to be with you?

[smiley]

kkat you made me think. i would love to be together with him if he is single again. i dont know what the statement says that the wife wants me to sign. i did have some concern that it wasnt only to quicken a divorce but her doing something to keep their son distant from him. she is very competitve, i think if she fails the marriage she wants to win the baby. the competition, i think, is the main thing that is bothering me. she wants my picture, why? if i wont sign the statement, she says she'll pretend to work on her f*ing marriage, ew. it feels like she only wants to "win" him. now ive enjoyed this guy & time spent with him tremendously. but i wont be someone im not, get worked up, be mean, etc. to be in his company again. as for him, i havent spoken with him in a couple weeks. but, i think he is hurt, torn between keeping a family, feeling loved, feeling like a failure with marriage. i dont think he is able to look at the future right now. i just asked to keep communication open to talking on occasion. i figured that way, there's no hard feelings of not be worth speaking to, and we each have space to grow whatever way.