How to cope with seeing girls all the time when you can't get one.

[Ross PK]

Do you get far conversationally usually?

 

Not really. I don't get many opportunities to have an actual conversation.

[Ross PK]

I just want to say that, for me, a guy who automatically dismisses me as not deeming him worthy of a relationship immediately would be a total turn off. What does it say about you? That you aren't worth my time. What does it say about how you perceive me? That you think the following about me: I am shallow, that I can easily dismiss people as being meaningless by a first impression, that I am not worth an effort or getting to know, I am not worth putting your heart on the line for, and that you think I am just like every other woman from your perception. Not a good way to start off a relationship...

 

On the flip side I am as equally turned off to men who think they are God's gift to womanhood and that every single woman on earth does nothing by trip over herself in desperation to be with him. Yuck.

 

If you want a woman quit thinking of women as two dimensional and view them as an individual who each has her own heart and mind and desires. There is someone out there that desires what you have to offer. But maybe your perceptions of her and other women chased her off.

 

I used to think I had chances with women when I was younger. Boy was I wrong.

 

If by shallow you mean not wanting to go on a date with a man you don't find physically attractive, then there's no reason to take offense if you think I think you're like that, as there's nothing wrong with it and it's how most people are.

 

If you think that by me thinking you're not attracted to me, that I must think that you dismiss people as being meaningless by first impression, and that I think you aren't worth knowing, then I'm sorry but you have issues.

 

You're turning something very simple (me not thinking you're attracted to me) and jumping to all these crazy assumptions, turning it into something completely different and a lot more complex.

 

So likewise, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a woman like this, because they sound like they would be a lot to deal with.

[Hazel_eyes]

There are a lot of dimensions to attractiveness. Looks is merely one aspect. I personally did not judge my willingness to go on a date with a guy on looks alone. I have known some guys who didn't seem that attractive at first, but then I got to know them and they were beyond attractive to me, and other guys that seemed handsome but then I got to know them and were so repulsed by them that it affected how I perceived their looks. I made it a rule to give any guy that asked for a date at least one date to get to know him regardless of my first impression on his looks. Just want to clarify that a date and being his girlfriend are two different things. A date is me getting to know you.

 

Now you assuming that I am not attracted to you is very different then you assuming that I would never be willing to have a relationship with you in my opinion. Please don't assume that I equate the two as being the same. I never entered a relationship with a guy purely due to attraction. There was more to it then that. I also don't enter into a relationship with a guy who I haven't had a chance to get to know a bit first. You are turning something that has a lot of dimensions to it, entering into/having a relationship with a woman, and over simplifying it to one thing: whether or not someone is attractive/finds you attractive. A relationship, and entering into one, should have so much more to it. Attractiveness is important, and can be a great tool in drawing people together, but it isn't the only thing that brings people together and keeps them together.

 

I have been on a date with a guy who spent the whole evening doing nothing but talking about how he can never get a woman, how women care nothing but about looks, why are they so shallow, woe is me... Yes he was almost thirty and yes I was only the second girl he had ever taken out in his life. But I was there! Didn't that count for something. But I felt dismissed before I got a chance to know him. I did not want someone like that and did feel slightly offended.

 

I stand by my statement, I would not want to date a guy like this, and if you think the only thing that matters in developing a relationship is attractiveness then that is a huge part of the problem...now if all you are wanting is a good romp with a woman and not a relationship then I could see what you are saying

 

I just want to say too that saying that I have issues is rude. I was trying to offer you a perspective from someone the befriended/attempted to date someone that acts like you, how that made me feel when I tried hard to show him that I would be willing to give him a chance and got dismissed. And yes he wanted to date me, he even said he wanted to marry me, he just refused to believe that I would be willing to truly give him a chance. And you know what, that was over 5 years ago and he still hasn't had another date. Why? Cause his attitude makes women feel bad.

 

I feel that you have some issues to deal with but I didn't say that to you. I was trying to be positive. Please respect and do the same for me.

Edited March 20, 2011 by Hazel_eyes

[Ross PK]

I didn't mean any offense by saying you have issues, I was just saying.

 

I know there is more to being attracted to some physically as far as a relationship is concerned. But there still needs to be physical attraction there for most people.

 

If you're happy to be in a relationship with someone you're not physically attracted to, then good for you.

 

But I can't even see someone being sexually attracted to me as a person. And please, that doesn't mean that I think you must be this, or you must be that. Don't make assumptions about what I think of you, based on just the fact that I think no women are interested in me (this holds no evidence of the assumptions you're maiking), and then take offense.

Edited March 20, 2011 by Ross PK

[Hazel_eyes]

I'm sorry that you feel the way you do about yourself I also know girls that feel the same way you do, wonderful people that have so much to offer someone. One of them is a pediatrician, she is so witty and smart but thinks she has nothing to offer and hides from men. She thinks she is ugly, even though guys have told her she has the most beautiful smile and have called her lovely. I have no doubt someone would want her, and think the same way about you. I hope one day you feel the same.

 

And I definitely want to feel attracted to someone I am in a relationship with (yes, my husband is incredibly handsome ). Maybe guys and girls perceive attraction differently. I was just saying for me attractiveness is more then looks based so I tried to get to know a guy and would either feel drawn or repulsed. There were some really plain looking guys, but their personalities were so irresistible, I can't explain it other then I saw them differently. Suddenly they were soooo sexy to me. It also goes the other way.

 

I don't think that you can make the claim though that your assumption that a woman can't feel attracted to you removes her ability and right to assume how you are feeling about her. You talked down on what I said because of the assumptions I made in the situation presented, assumptions made based off of what would be my perception of your actions, yet you yourself would be making assumptions based off of what you perceive of my actions. You thought I would be a handful, but are you not doing the same as I did? Do we not all draw conclusions about how one another thinks/feels based off of how we perceive their actions? You can't say that how you feel and act doesn't affect how someone else will feel or act. The problem is from both sides it is assumptions. I am sure that how you are responding to women and how you feel they view you is causing all sorts of internal reactions and feelings from different women, because we are all different. The thing that you can safely assume is that your current outlook and perception is obviously not working, so the best thing you could do is work to change this. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results

 

I sincerely hope you find happiness and love one day. I hope you don't accept 'defeat'. It is natural to long for love, and I hope one day you are able to find love for someone and yourself.

Edited March 20, 2011 by Hazel_eyes

[Ross PK]

I did used to have a different perception, which was that women must be attracted to me, in fact I thought really attractive women must be attracted to me, since I think I look very attractive myself (at least when I look in the mirror).

 

Unfortunatley this didn't make any difference. And as the years went by, with no one showing interest in me, getting rejected, and sometimes even being called ugly, my perception changed to what it is now.

[Eeyore79]

My boyfriend is handsome, but he's a little lacking in self esteem and he doesn't really see that he's nice looking. He's had difficulties in dating which he put down to his looks - imo it was nothing to do with his looks because he's attractive, it was mostly about his shy behavior. The only reason I got past his shyness is because I knew him as a friend before we dated. So I think your assumption that your looks are the issue is probably wrong; it's extremely rare for someone to be so hideous that nobody will date them, even disfigured people manage to date.

 

Also, when I met my boyfriend I wasn't attracted to him. His face hasn't changed, so why am I attracted to him now when I wasn't before? Simply because a large component of attraction is about personality; I got to know him and I became attracted. I don't think I ever dated anyone purely because he was handsome, the attraction was always partly due to personality. I very much doubt if your looks are the problem; it's more likely to be your shy behavior which screams "low self esteem". You have to be a desirable person for someone to desire you, and most of that isn't about looks.

[Ross PK]

I agree that even ugly people have sex and relationships, but shy people do also.

 

So, I don't think it's to do with my looks, and I doubt it's to do with shyness. It must be something biological.

[sanjananb]

How to Attract A Woman: The Best Ways to Handle Physical Contact By Tiffany Taylor

 

Touching/physical contact is an absolutely vital component of seduction. You can’t successfully pick-up a girl without first establishing a basic level of mutual tactility – I.E. Before you can move in for the kill by kissing and/or sleeping with her, you MUST first have a regular, healthy amount of touching that works both ways: she flirtatiously puts her hand on your knee, you encircle her waist with your arm and pull her a little closer – whatever form the physical contact takes, it has to be present for you to achieve your final goal of actual seduction. And that right there is where the problem for many men lies: how can a guy get the ball rolling when it comes to tactility and physical closeness? If the girl’s not being tactile, how can a guy develop mutual physical closeness without freaking her out or scaring her away?

[yoonie16]

Chicks dig guys that love animals. +1 you

[cerridwen]

Chicks dig guys that love animals. +1 you

 

^^This!

 

Ross, any progress with volunteering at the animal shelter?

Also, doesn't masturbation help with the frustration? Or, is it more just a craving for touch/affection?

[Ross MwcFan]

How to Attract A Woman: The Best Ways to Handle Physical Contact By Tiffany Taylor

 

Touching/physical contact is an absolutely vital component of seduction. You can’t successfully pick-up a girl without first establishing a basic level of mutual tactility – I.E. Before you can move in for the kill by kissing and/or sleeping with her, you MUST first have a regular, healthy amount of touching that works both ways: she flirtatiously puts her hand on your knee, you encircle her waist with your arm and pull her a little closer – whatever form the physical contact takes, it has to be present for you to achieve your final goal of actual seduction. And that right there is where the problem for many men lies: how can a guy get the ball rolling when it comes to tactility and physical closeness? If the girl’s not being tactile, how can a guy develop mutual physical closeness without freaking her out or scaring her away?

 

Unfortunatley no girl has ever been tactile with me in my life. I wonder what that says about me then?

[Ross MwcFan]

^^This!

 

Ross, any progress with volunteering at the animal shelter?

Also, doesn't masturbation help with the frustration? Or, is it more just a craving for touch/affection?

 

I have to wait until I get my contact lenses sorted out first, since these particular ones sometimes irrate my eyes regulary, every time this happens I either need to use eye drops, or take the contact lens out, clean it, and put it back in again. It's be pretty unpractical for me to have to do this often at work.

 

I've got an appointment with the optician in June, so hopefully I can get this sorted.

 

I don't really feel sexually frustrated these days. I used to though, it was back when I didn't have any access to porn, and masturbation didn't really help, as it just felt unsatisfying.

 

I do really have a strong craving for touch and affection though. I would give anything for it, but I doubt I'll ever experience it, unfortunatley.

[cerridwen]

I do really have a strong craving for touch and affection though. I would give anything for it, but I doubt I'll ever experience it, unfortunatley.

 

What about our 7 Minutes in the LS closet?!!

 

Memories *I'll* keep for a lifetime...:p