wheelwright Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I was. H said he would abandon me and our kids if I were to be with xMOM. He felt strongly enough to lay down his ace. I wonder if others were dealt this card? Is that fair anyway? Or does an A mean you have to accept it? Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I can't speak from personal experience but it seems that a lot of BS do give their WS this consequence. I would think they feel completely blindsided and all out of balance so I would think it would be a way of taking some control back since the affair dynamic made them feel powerless. Fairness.........well if you've promised to remain true to someone and you break that promise then it's fair for them to give you consequences if you choose to repeat the behavior. Accepting it......well we all have a choice unless someone is held prisoner:D but holding your children hostage is not the way to go either, but there isn't too much that does make sense to anyone on D day is there? I found it odd that you would use the word abandon as I've not seen it used in this context before but I do see why and how it would have seemed that way to you. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 He couldn't "abandon" you, you had already abandoned him by cheating. How is saying he would leave any form of bullying? Please let me know where you found this definition. I asked you about tides and so forth in another thread, would you mind responding to those questions? I was genuinely curious. Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I was. H said he would abandon me and our kids if I were to be with xMOM. He felt strongly enough to lay down his ace. I wonder if others were dealt this card? Is that fair anyway? Or does an A mean you have to accept it? You weren't bullied in any way. He was. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I was. H said he would abandon me and our kids if I were to be with xMOM. He felt strongly enough to lay down his ace. I wonder if others were dealt this card? Is that fair anyway? Or does an A mean you have to accept it? I don't like that he said he would abandon the kids. That's not right at all. But, the rest? Well, those are consquences of the affair, the fallout and how he chose to react to your affair. You can't expect him to be fair and understanding of everything after cheating on him. Now, if he physically hurt you (hit you, threw books at your head, tried to harm you) THAT is different, and it's wrong. But from what you've said so far it sounds pretty normal, his request for you to stay away from exMOM and do NC. Link to post Share on other sites
carrie999 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 You weren't bullied in any way. He was. If she's talking specifically about herself, that's one thing. But he threatened to abandon his own children. That's an entirely different story. If I found out my spouse cheated, I'd probably leave...this would be a definite if he/she insisted on staying with the OP/xOP. But children have it hard enough when their parents divorce. I cannot imagine making it harder on them by either making them pawns to punish my ex, or (unthinkably) abandoning them. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Upon first discovery of cheating, I left my daughter with my husband because I felt like too much of a loser to be her mother. After a couple if hours, my head straightened out a little realizing that I hadn't acted like a loser and I was a good mom to her. I feel like I am not right now because she is spending a lot of time at my parent's place while I sort my stuff out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wheelwright Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 I found it odd that you would use the word abandon as I've not seen it used in this context before but I do see why and how it would have seemed that way to you. H used that word and knew the effect it would have. Guess he wanted that power back. Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 If she's talking specifically about herself, that's one thing. But he threatened to abandon his own children. That's an entirely different story. If I found out my spouse cheated, I'd probably leave...this would be a definite if he/she insisted on staying with the OP/xOP. But children have it hard enough when their parents divorce. I cannot imagine making it harder on them by either making them pawns to punish my ex, or (unthinkably) abandoning them. He just learned his wife cheated. Lots of BSs make empty threats. Although in her case he should have followed through with it, and became a dad who sees his kids every other weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 H used that word and knew the effect it would have. Guess he wanted that power back. He didn't get any power back. It was never there in the first place. And he didn't force you to stay neither. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wheelwright Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 He couldn't "abandon" you, you had already abandoned him by cheating. How is saying he would leave any form of bullying? Please let me know where you found this definition. I asked you about tides and so forth in another thread, would you mind responding to those questions? I was genuinely curious. I have responded. What you said meant something. Maybe look yourself up and you'll get the reply, which was heartfelt and hard to put out. My cheating was adandon, but that's not as dire as him telling me he would abandon my kids if I were to move on and be with my MM. I have been through so much, put others through stuff, I have forgotten this bullying tactic. At the time it was just after DDay and I thought fair enough. But it actually changes everything. Because my actions then are totally coloured by this. There is nothing I wouldn't do to prevent H abandoning - his word - our kids. In the fur of working out everything I had forgotten this. I am glad 'whathesaid' reminded me of it somewhat. I want to be right and good. I don't know how I forgot or how I am so liable to being moved to another's stance. I see that I am not very strong. I am clever and interesting and I care. Guess that weak f***** up bit will have to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wheelwright Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 I don't like that he said he would abandon the kids. That's not right at all. But, the rest? Well, those are consquences of the affair, the fallout and how he chose to react to your affair. You can't expect him to be fair and understanding of everything after cheating on him. Now, if he physically hurt you (hit you, threw books at your head, tried to harm you) THAT is different, and it's wrong. But from what you've said so far it sounds pretty normal, his request for you to stay away from exMOM and do NC. I get that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wheelwright Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 He didn't get any power back. It was never there in the first place. And he didn't force you to stay neither. I am wondering if you have kids? Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Do you live in a country where there are laws about child support? Or would he flee the country? Or did he mean even if he satisfied the legal obligations, he would sever ties to his children? If it meant fleeing the country and/or severing all ties, did you believe he would actually follow through? Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I was. H said he would abandon me and our kids if I were to be with xMOM. He felt strongly enough to lay down his ace. I wonder if others were dealt this card? Is that fair anyway? Or does an A mean you have to accept it? Oh he said that, didn't he? abandon the kids? why? to punish you? of course, because the kids did him wrong . Wheelwright, I don't know your story but do you want to stay in your marriage? Because if I were you, I would just take the kids and leave him even without the MM. You cannot allow anybody to use your kids as a weapon against you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wheelwright Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 Do you live in a country where there are laws about child support? Or would he flee the country? Or did he mean even if he satisfied the legal obligations, he would sever ties to his children? If it meant fleeing the country and/or severing all ties, did you believe he would actually follow through? I believed. Probably not rationally. I have no fight in me. I want all love and giving to be made up of what it is and not courts. And now I will sound suspest. Because my dad abandoned me. And then my step-dad did. And there's a whole story which will make me look better but I don't want to say it. But I believed he would follow, and he knew it. Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 It wasn't bullying. Perhaps he said it out of hurt and without thinking .. or maybe he did mean it. I would think once a woman decides to leave her H for another, she shouldn't hold her H accountable for anything - not even their children. When my H left, he still loved his sons but was no longer the doting father as before. His priorities were elsewhere. And after he died, I assumed both roles. I'm just saying a mother can always fill in. It appears that you are still with your H, not for the children - but because you can't make it alone, or you don't want to be without a man in your life, WW. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I believed. Probably not rationally. I have no fight in me. I want all love and giving to be made up of what it is and not courts. And now I will sound suspest. Because my dad abandoned me. And then my step-dad did. And there's a whole story which will make me look better but I don't want to say it. But I believed he would follow, and he knew it. I did read your post on the other thread. Thank you for responding. That particular thread did have a ton of postings so I did have to go back through and dig, that's why I missed it in the first place. Your response does not surprise me in the least. I come from abandonment and so does my husband, it does something very profound to the core of you, it saps you sense of direction and personal power. It makes perfect sense that as your emotional template is forming in childhood that a vast amount of stability and security is needed to fully feel that you have a say or control in your own life. Many people think that cheaters are simply callous or over the top, while there are definite elements of this in most cases I have seen, it is almost like the WS has in many cases surrendered some kind of undercurrent of power into the marriage and then into the affair. The tides sweep you in and out and you never find your footing. You see, if you had your footing you have no have no problem letting go if something that was insufferable before clinging to something or someone else. I have that trouble too but it rears it's head in other forms of escapism. The issue of cheating is that it is so damaging to the BS that the WS is ripped apart so harshly. As well, often I think WS don't even realize the pain that they are trying to avoid and they often can't see the damage they cause through their own pain. Often I think WS can't face their own pain and therefore the pain of a BS is completely overwhelming. As well, WS are (personal theory) so confident they they will never be left do why the hack not cheat OR they are trying to put some intimate distance between themselves and their spouse whom they constantly fear will leave them anyways. Either way, being a WS is an internal conflict personified. From much of your posting it seems that you cannot or will not see the damage caused to your H. This isn't an attack, but maybe a blindfold or something you feel is/was justified. Have you thought of perhaps getting done EMDR therapy over the childhood abandonment? It would make all of the other relationships less triggering. I was terrified beyond belief over being left for years, and I would go crazy over the notion of it even, sheer terror. I have held car door handles as an SO was driving away. After six sessions last year ( and I was only one third the way through) I felt okay with it. Not great but okay. I had some of my footing. I know I need more EMDR but at least I know what can help now. I wish you the best WW. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I would think once a woman decides to leave her H for another, she shouldn't hold her H accountable for anything - not even their children. Wow! Dad owes the kids nothing if mum strays? No, no, no, no! You preach about wedding vows... A much bigger and stronger commitment is that which one makes when a newborn baby is to enter the world. No child deserves to be abandoned because a wife was unfaithful. Would you agree that if a man cheats on his wife, SHE then is considered well within her rights to abandon those children too? I really am interested in hearing more and hoping I have entirely misinterpreted this... Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I was. H said he would abandon me and our kids if I were to be with xMOM. He felt strongly enough to lay down his ace. I wonder if others were dealt this card? Is that fair anyway? Or does an A mean you have to accept it? It happened to me. Personally I was glad to be out of the M's. I could go back and forth in my own situation and say, "he did this and she did that", although fact was the M's were over. It can take several years to collect child support if the S is evading, and even then, there are still ways to get around it..I know, I lived it. Not to mention no child support they were flippant concerning visiting the kids. Sooooo, who was there for my kids throughout the years, I have been, just like always. IMO it was wrong for your H to say that...if your M didn't work, oh well, but to include the kids was wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 (edited) I was. H said he would abandon me and our kids if I were to be with xMOM. He felt strongly enough to lay down his ace. I wonder if others were dealt this card? Is that fair anyway? Or does an A mean you have to accept it? nevermind. It's not worth it. Edited March 17, 2011 by greengoddess Link to post Share on other sites
jthorne Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I was. H said he would abandon me and our kids if I were to be with xMOM. He felt strongly enough to lay down his ace. I wonder if others were dealt this card? Is that fair anyway? Or does an A mean you have to accept it? I'm curious what you expected his response to be. Link to post Share on other sites
TinaniT Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Oh he said that, didn't he? abandon the kids? why? to punish you? of course, because the kids did him wrong . Wheelwright, I don't know your story but do you want to stay in your marriage? Because if I were you, I would just take the kids and leave him even without the MM. You cannot allow anybody to use your kids as a weapon against you. Ex threatened to abandon me and my son the first time (before affair) I asked for a divorce. Along with details of logistics. Why I didn't leave and looked for an affair instead. It wasn't the last threat after I actually did leave. Not by a long shot. Ugggh. So far he hasn't followed through, but some aren't in point until my son is older. I can only hope he won't hurt our son. And that I ensure our son is strong enough. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Ex threatened to abandon me and my son the first time (before affair) I asked for a divorce. Along with details of logistics. Why I didn't leave and looked for an affair instead. It wasn't the last threat after I actually did leave. Not by a long shot. Ugggh. So far he hasn't followed through, but some aren't in point until my son is older. I can only hope he won't hurt our son. And that I ensure our son is strong enough. lol nevermind again. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Omg ok i have tried to control myself. I have even deleted two things to two separate people. You are wheelright and tinanit calling your husbands bullies or fearful they would hurt the kids by abandoning them. Don't you think having an AFFAIR is hurting your kids? Where were your children when you were off having sex with the other man? Don't you think your husbands said that out of fear and wanted to hurt you too. Wheelright your husband said if you stayed with the OM...did you ever think that just maybe it may have been WAY to painful to co parent with a person who slept with and snuch around behind his back with his wife? Stop acting like victims. Your husband was not a bully. This is on you. If you are now regretting staying with him do not blame him that he bullied you into staying. Get honest with him and yourself and tell him you do not want to be married anymore. Sheeesh gaslighting and blameshifting really annoys me. No one takes responsibility for their own actions anymore it is always someone elses fault. What were the responses to be on this thread. OMgoodness yes wheelright, he bullied you AFTER dday so absolves you of all fault.?? Link to post Share on other sites
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