Bullied after DDay

[wheelwright]

WW, has he actually treated the kids badly? Abused them emotionally? Ignored them? Made them feel worthless or deny them love?

 

He knew your weakness, and he used it against you..Very low blow, but, it still doesn't mean he would actually walk out the door and never see his children again. Maybe I'M just having a hard time picturing ANY parent doing that. I know some are capable and I am sorry that your father and stepdad walked out on you. My bestfriend has experienced this in her life -- It was really rough on her growing up, a father who wasn't there after her parents split up (well, he was there but not 'really there') and her stepdad just treated her so poorly too. After years of therapy and going through more crap/bad relationships, she is now settled, has kids and wonderful husband. Ghosts of past hurts still haunt her and she does still have some triggers but she's able to fight them and put them in their place so they don't affect her now. (sorry I rambled on there alot! )

 

I hope if any love is left between you and your H, you two are able to work it out, give it your best before throwing in the towel.

 

H won't walk out on his kids now - and that is in part because I didn't walk out and say what he couldn't bear to hear - I loved xMOM more than I cared about him. But I didn't if the kids were a part. And he knew, because he knows me, and he needed the kids to have the balance of power. The only thing (wrong word) I loved more than MM.

 

H knew all that.

 

And I believe he would have carried it out too. He was that upset.

 

I also believe he would have come back to his kids after a couple of years.

 

I have to say I am still unable to comprehend that he said that. That his hate and loathing for what I did to him makes him feel like this. Towards our kids.

 

Nothing meant more to me than ensuring the future R of H and our kids at that point - and in general. Not a single poster has said they did or went through similar in this thread.

 

I value what everyone has said - more than seems obvious. And especially the things that show up my own faults - though I will continue to rail against them.

[alexandria35]

I agree with the deception argument. Believe me, I do.

 

However, the sex is still sacred...It uplights and it excites. We are only human.

 

 

Haha...Some guys think sex with hookers is pretty exciting. Is that sacred sex too?

[whichwayisup]

Oh now that is rich! So your response to somebody saying mean words to you (not the kids), words that you know were said in pain would be to take their kids away and tell the kids and that their father is dead. Why don't tell us what kind of person would do this? What kind of a mother would take her kids away from their father and tell the kids that he's dead and for no other reason than to get back at the father for saying he was going to do something that he most likely had no intentions of acting on. The hyprocisy in your above post is astounding. Husband said bad words, so WW should take her kids away and tell them that their dad is dead. Unbelievable!!

 

I'm glad you posted this. It's honest and I know not meant to upset/piss people off -- I see it as WW's reaction to what her H said -- Just like HIS reaction to her cheating.

 

I doubt very much she would tell her own flesh and blood that their father is dead. Just like her husband wouldn't ever really up and leave his kids, never to see or speak to them again. A perfect example of 'things said' but never followed through.

[WorldIsYours]

I agree with the deception argument. Believe me, I do.

 

However, the sex is still sacred...It uplights and it excites. We are only human.

 

If sex was sacred they wouldn't cheat in the first place.

[whichwayisup]

H won't walk out on his kids now - and that is in part because I didn't walk out and say what he couldn't bear to hear - I loved xMOM more than I cared about him. But I didn't if the kids were a part. And he knew, because he knows me, and he needed the kids to have the balance of power. The only thing (wrong word) I loved more than MM.

 

H knew all that.

 

And I believe he would have carried it out too. He was that upset.

 

I also believe he would have come back to his kids after a couple of years.

 

I have to say I am still unable to comprehend that he said that. That his hate and loathing for what I did to him makes him feel like this. Towards our kids.

 

Nothing meant more to me than ensuring the future R of H and our kids at that point - and in general. Not a single poster has said they did or went through similar in this thread.

 

I value what everyone has said - more than seems obvious. And especially the things that show up my own faults - though I will continue to rail against them.

 

Maybe it's just me, but I doubt he would take off for one or two years and never see or speak to his own kids. I 'get' why you feel that way because of your own personal experience with this, but just because you feel he *could* do this, doesn't mean he would actually be capable of it. Let alone 2 years and then come back?

 

WW I do hope you've seeked some counselling.

[bentnotbroken]

I am confused..how did your husband bully you into staying if you separated, put your house on the market and MM left his wife? It seems you made some choices of your own. Like when the MM went back home. You were already separated and in the process of moving on with your life..is your husband the default? It seems you held all the cards.

[WorldIsYours]

H won't walk out on his kids now - and that is in part because I didn't walk out and say what he couldn't bear to hear - I loved xMOM more than I cared about him. But I didn't if the kids were a part. And he knew, because he knows me, and he needed the kids to have the balance of power. The only thing (wrong word) I loved more than MM.

 

Anything to rationalize you destroying your family and leaving your own husband for someone who wouldn't even leave his wife for you, huh?

 

H knew all that.

 

He also knew you cheated.

 

And I believe he would have carried it out too. He was that upset.

 

Why are you so surprised at his reactions? You cheated on the man! You knew what you were doing was cruel! What did you expect?

 

I have to say I am still unable to comprehend that he said that. That his hate and loathing for what I did to him makes him feel like this. Towards our kids.

 

Your continued attempts to justify your behavior needs to stop. You know he loves those kids. For you to even question that just exposes more of your character, especially after what you pulled on him.

 

Nothing meant more to me than ensuring the future R of H and our kids at that point - and in general.

 

Really? So leaving for someone else's husband was in the interests of your H and your kids?

 

Not a single poster has said they did or went through similar in this thread.

 

Uh yes we did. We know what he's going through.

 

And especially the things that show up my own faults - though I will continue to rail against them.

 

Continuing to attempt to justify your behavior and not own your faults will be your greatest downfall, sadly.

[wheelwright]

I am confused..how did your husband bully you into staying if you separated, put your house on the market and MM left his wife? It seems you made some choices of your own. Like when the MM went back home. You were already separated and in the process of moving on with your life..is your husband the default? It seems you held all the cards.

 

 

When house was on the market, DDay had not happened. xMOM only left his W for 6 hours or so. DDay was a month later. But this thread was about a particular element of DDay, and I have been interested in the responses.

 

I held all the cards. Except the kids. And any wisdom or foresight to speak of. That's the point.

[wheelwright]

Affair sex is in no way romantic. It's just screwing behind someone's back.

 

Whether you believe it or not, it was just a bang. Just a cheap screw. Nothing nice about it.

 

You are going to have to define your terms.

 

What are the elements of romantic sex?

 

Or cheap sex?

 

I suspect romantic sex may happen in an A. I defy you to talk about any element of romantic sex that cannot occur in an A other than commitment.

[alexandria35]

H won't walk out on his kids now - and that is in part because I didn't walk out and say what he couldn't bear to hear - I loved xMOM more than I cared about him. But I didn't if the kids were a part. And he knew, because he knows me, and he needed the kids to have the balance of power. The only thing (wrong word) I loved more than MM.

 

H knew all that.

 

And I believe he would have carried it out too. He was that upset.

 

I also believe he would have come back to his kids after a couple of years.

 

I have to say I am still unable to comprehend that he said that. That his hate and loathing for what I did to him makes him feel like this. Towards our kids.

 

Nothing meant more to me than ensuring the future R of H and our kids at that point - and in general. Not a single poster has said they did or went through similar in this thread.

 

I value what everyone has said - more than seems obvious. And especially the things that show up my own faults - though I will continue to rail against them.

 

wheelwright please correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems that some of the posters here have the mistaken belief that it was your husband who shut down your affair and it's his threats that kept you from your OM. As a matter of fact you yourself seem to be saying this in this thread. You make it sound like you had the option of leaving to be with the other man but instead you nobly and honorably chose the well being of your children and their relationship with their father. This is driving me nuts because I've read your story and being with your OM wasn't an option for you even if you did leave your husband and your husband didn't say he would abandon the kids if you simply left him, he said he would abandon them if you left to be with the other man. I fail to see how his threats held any weight when you couldn't be with the OM anyways. It would be like someone saying they wouldn't talk to me anymore if I became the queen of England. How could I possibly feel threatened or manipulated by that?

 

As for the above bolded, I remember watching a show once many years ago where they asked a bunch of men if they were in a boat that was sinking and they had to choose who they would save, their wife or their child, who would they choose. Then they asked women the same question, who would they save, their husband or their child? Almost all of the men said they would save their wife and almost all of the women said they would save their child. I remember being quite surprised by that at the time as I had expected both the women and the men to choose the child. It was the first time I realized that perhaps men feel more bonded and more love towards their spouse (I'm thinking this would only be true when a man truly loves his wife) than they do their children.

[WorldIsYours]

You are going to have to define your terms.

 

What are the elements of romantic sex?

 

 

 

Or cheap sex?

 

I suspect romantic sex may happen in an A. I defy you to talk about any element of romantic sex that cannot occur in an A other than commitment.

 

Nothing romantic can happen in affair sex. It's just screwing and getting off on playing your betrayed partner! Where is the romantic elements in that?:lmao: The only elements in affair sex is secrecy, betrayal, selfishness, and disrespect. Using marital assets to fund emotional/sexual affairs while the betrayed spouse stays at home and takes care of the kids? Nothig romantic about that.

 

Bringing home sloppy seconds? No. Doing things with someone you've never done with your own spouse? No.

[alexandria35]

I am confused..how did your husband bully you into staying if you separated, put your house on the market and MM left his wife? It seems you made some choices of your own. Like when the MM went back home. You were already separated and in the process of moving on with your life..is your husband the default? It seems you held all the cards.

 

Exactly! Her husband didn't bully her into staying in the marriage. It was never about trying to make her stay married to him, like people seem to believe. He didn't want her to take his kids and be with the OM. WW went back to her husband because her OM decided to stay with his wife and end the affair, not because her husband threatened to abandon the kids.

[WorldIsYours]

Exactly! Her husband didn't bully her into staying in the marriage. It was never about trying to make her stay married to him, like people seem to believe. He didn't want her to take his kids and be with the OM. WW went back to her husband because her OM decided to stay with his wife and end the affair, not because her husband threatened to abandon the kids.

 

Right! She even said herself she will continue to resist the inevitable consequences coming her way! That she will refuse to own her major role in ALL of this mess! How sad.

[alexandria35]

I'm glad you posted this. It's honest and I know not meant to upset/piss people off -- I see it as WW's reaction to what her H said -- Just like HIS reaction to her cheating.

 

I doubt very much she would tell her own flesh and blood that their father is dead. Just like her husband wouldn't ever really up and leave his kids, never to see or speak to them again. A perfect example of 'things said' but never followed through.

 

Well to be fair, that was White Flower's reaction, not wheelwrights, but your point is a good one. White Flower didn't like what ww's husband said so she reacted by saying she would retalliate by doing something horribly cruel and mentally abusive to her own children, just like ww's husband reacted to his wife's affair except he didn't even take it as far as WF just did.

 

Nice catch.

[wheelwright]

wheelwright please correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems that some of the posters here have the mistaken belief that it was your husband who shut down your affair and it's his threats that kept you from your OM. As a matter of fact you yourself seem to be saying this in this thread. You make it sound like you had the option of leaving to be with the other man but instead you nobly and honorably chose the well being of your children and their relationship with their father. This is driving me nuts because I've read your story and being with your OM wasn't an option for you even if you did leave your husband and your husband didn't say he would abandon the kids if you simply left him, he said he would abandon them if you left to be with the other man. I fail to see how his threats held any weight when you couldn't be with the OM anyways. It would be like someone saying they wouldn't talk to me anymore if I became the queen of England. How could I possibly feel threatened or manipulated by that?

 

 

 

I didn't know at the time. If I had the option. I thought maybe I did, and not only that but I thought that if I thought I could, I should make my decision on the basis of my feelings alone.

 

There was no way of knowing.

 

Subsequently, I heard a hint from a mutual friend that if I had left my M at that point xMOM would have too. It means nothing to me, because in fact all this about H and kids took precedent.

 

At the time, I had a mind set which went along the lines of if I feel like this about xMOM then it is is obvious I need to leave H.

 

And that changed when H started delivering his way of thinking.

[WorldIsYours]

And that changed when H started delivering his way of thinking.

 

So it's all his fault? He made you stay? Is that what you're telling us?

 

Because all I see here is you blaming him over something petty, and no ownership of your faults in this.

[wheelwright]

So it's all his fault? He made you stay? Is that what you're telling us?

 

Because all I see here is you blaming him over something petty, and no ownership of your faults in this.

 

No, all you see is your way of looking at faults.

[WorldIsYours]

No, all you see is your way of looking at faults.

 

No I see the facts, but you refuse to see past your immature behavior.

[tami-chan]

So it's all his fault? He made you stay? Is that what you're telling us?

 

Because all I see here is you blaming him over something petty, and no ownership of your faults in this.

 

Stop making things up. She never said it was ALL her H's fault. What is wrong with you? She said that her H threatened to abandoned the children if she left to be with her affair partner AFTER they had talked (pre-Dday) about breaking up in a civilized way-it changed after DDAY) and because of that she never took the chance of leaving the marriage to be with her affair partner. She never found out if her affair partner would have left his marriage for her either.

 

PETTY? seriously? You think using CHILDREN as LEVERAGE to MAKE a spouse stay is petty.....? well.......talk about manipulation...

[wheelwright]

No I see the facts, but you refuse to see past your immature behavior.

 

You know, there is a difference between posters like you and me. I am willing to deal with what is thrown at me. I am an 'honest' poster.

 

Some here want to make a statement by deriding others. I believe in making my statement and caring about it and knowing I am wrong a lot.

 

I believe you will never make a decent statement by saying someone else is wrong.

 

Saying someone is wrong is such a personal and deep message.

 

I think in thinking someone wrong it is as well to consider at the same time all the wrong that you yourself are.

[WorldIsYours]

Stop making things up. She never said it was ALL her H's fault.

 

Go and read her posts.

 

What is wrong with you? She said that her H threatened to abandoned the children if she left to be with her affair partner AFTER they had talked (pre-Dday) about breaking up in a civilized way-it changed after DDAY) and because of that she never took the chance of leaving the marriage to be with her affair partner. She never found out if her affair partner would have left his marriage for her either.

 

Doesn't matter. He knew about the affair and was angry, regardless of whatever she had in mind with her OM. It's still wrong to place blame on this man for being angry. She cheated and hurt him, he got mad and she didn't like it. End of story.

 

PETTY? seriously? You think using CHILDREN as LEVERAGE to MAKE a spouse stay is petty.....? well.......talk about manipulation...

 

Yes I said petty, and I will say it again: Petty. You know why? Because she's refusing to accept her role in this mess. No one MADE her stay in the marriage. She decided to stay, but it wasn't for the benefit of her husband and family. If anyone was manipulated, it was him.

[WorldIsYours]

You know, there is a difference between posters like you and me. I am willing to deal with what is thrown at me. I am an 'honest' poster.

 

You're right, we're different. And it's nice that you're being honest to us, but you can try doing that for your husband so he can be fully informed on why you really stayed in the M.

 

I believe you will never make a decent statement by saying someone else is wrong.

 

You can deny all you want, but you know deep down you're wrong for this.

 

Saying someone is wrong is such a personal and deep message.

 

Cheating on someone is such a deep and personal message. And I don't mean that in a positive way.

 

I think in thinking someone wrong it is as well to consider at the same time all the wrong that you yourself are.

 

I am wrong about a lot of things, but not in regards to infidelity. What makes me different is that I don't cheat. If I feel my partner is being big-headed and stubborn I tell her nicely to consider my feelings and if she doesn't, I leave. I don't get pissed and quietly plan to go stick my wood in another woman and lie to her about it, and create some escape to run off into the sunset with my affair partner like everything is fine.

[tami-chan]

Go and read her posts.

 

I did. Maybe you should go and re-read her posts.

 

Doesn't matter. He knew about the affair and was angry, regardless of whatever she had in mind with her OM. It's still wrong to place blame on this man for being angry. She cheated and hurt him, he got mad and she didn't like it. End of story.

 

it does matter. If he was such a decent (and "bigger") man, he would have NEVER used his kids to manipulate his estranged wife to stay. End of story.

 

Yes I said petty, and I will say it again: Petty. You know why? Because she's refusing to accept her role in this mess. No one MADE her stay in the marriage. She decided to stay, but it wasn't for the benefit of her husband and family. If anyone was manipulated, it was him.

 

Of course she decided to stay. We calculate the things we can live with and live without. She chose to stay so her kids will not have an absent dad-a father who will endure not seeing the kids to punish a wayward wife....but I guess you are that kind of person...but may I suggest something to you?

 

Something for you to think about, don't know if you have kids and don't know your story-but if you do have kids and your spouse cheated on you, I suggest you gather your self-respect and let your spouse go and find yourself another love. Or dedicate your life on other things. Live and let live. Your life is worth more than your cheating spouse.

[WorldIsYours]

I did. Maybe you should go and re-read her posts.

 

I did also. Maybe you should too.

 

it does matter. If he was such a decent (and "bigger") man, he would have NEVER used his kids to manipulate his estranged wife to stay. End of story.

 

It doesn't matter. He didn't use his kids to make her stay. She stayed on her own. This woman admitted she stayed because of her OM, not because of her husband or family. He was angry and hurt. End of story.

 

Of course she decided to stay. We calculate the things we can live with and live without.

 

But it was for the benefit of Wheelwright and Wheelwright only. She was ready to leave her own family behind for this man.

 

She chose to stay so her kids will not have an absent dad-a father who will endure not seeing the kids to punish a wayward wife....

 

If he really wanted to leave his kids behind, he would've done so by now don't you think? The man was angry and in shock. He didn't leave his kids because he loves them. Hopefully he'll still leave the M because he doesn't deserve this type of disrespect.

 

but I guess you are that kind of person...

 

Who walks away from a cheater? You bet I do, and I did once. And if I had kids, they would be with me too.

 

but may I suggest something to you?

 

No.

 

Something for you to think about, don't know if you have kids and don't know your story-but if you do have kids and your spouse cheated on you, I suggest you gather your self-respect and let your spouse go and find yourself another love. Or dedicate your life on other things. Live and let live. Your life is worth more than your cheating spouse.

 

Thank you for the kind advice but I've already been there, done that.

[WorldIsYours]

OP was frustrated enough to have a show-down with them while passing by their home, after the breakup.

 

Whoa. That's some scary ish right there! Talk about stalking!

 

Sounds like some Fatal Attraction stuff!