Bullied after DDay

[turnstone]

My exhusband said it long before I had the affair. With details about where (overseas) he would go so as to not pay child support.

 

Considering he had done things to me that left both physical and mental scars, and had told me when my son was an infant that he was considering leaving because he didn't like being a father, I considered it a credible threat. Hell, he had told me many times he had never really loved me romantically before I asked or the divorce.

 

I wanted anything. Any reprieve from life. The affair wasn't right, but asking for a divorce didn't work and I had nowhere to go.

 

 

But whatever. Affairs are the only bad thing a person can do in life.

 

 

Why on earth would you want to have this man in your life, never mind your children's lives?

 

To the OP: WW, I'm curious as well - are the children your H's biological children? What's the latest on this? Has your H left? What does the MM think about this?

[woinlove]

I believed. Probably not rationally.

 

I have no fight in me. I want all love and giving to be made up of what it is and not courts.

 

And now I will sound suspest.

 

Because my dad abandoned me. And then my step-dad did.

 

And there's a whole story which will make me look better but I don't want to say it.

 

But I believed he would follow, and he knew it.

 

I'm sorry you feel insecure about abandonment, either connected to your childhood or your husband. I think a marriage should make one feel secure, safe and loved and can help heal childhood hurts.

 

From you answer I can't tell exactly what your H threatened (as far as fleeing legal responsibility or what) or even whether you really felt it was a real threat as opposed to having an emotional reaction to words said in the midst of extreme pain and anger.

 

Only you know how your H treats you and your family. If he uttered some threatening or hurtful words once upon learning of your betrayal, that is one thing. If this is something he does more generally, if he takes any actions that are abandoning, or if he somehow holds a threat over you, that is quite another thing. If the former, I would suggest you look into yourself as to why you want to focus on those words - do you want to leave or have another affair and it helps to think back to those words? If the latter, I wonder why you stay?

[greengoddess]

Interesting. So a BS can in turn BETRAY his children-turn his back on them- and that should be understandable-nay, acceptable....hmm...and here I thought it is the sacred and solemn duty of a parent to care for his child-God's greatest gift...but what do I know, I am not a Christian...

 

Your H made the choice...a very poor, irresponsible choice, if I may add and I don't mean disrespect to him.

 

 

Any adult who uses innocent kids to hurt another adult is a DESPICABLE human being. Cheating on another adult is a different issue...perhaps if people can see the difference and separate the two, children will not be screwed up when their parents decide they do not want to be married any more.

 

Why is that acceptable? Why is that understandable? Who made it so? Who gave anybody any right to use innocent children to be pawns/weapons to hurt another? Despicable.

 

 

This man has done nothing. In fact, this man is a saint for staying with wheelwright who continues to blame him for her affair and accepts no responsibility.

 

This man did not abandon his kids or even wheelright after she had been sleeping around. He threatened to in a moment of pain and for this you crucify him? Make him out to be a horrible for person for mere words said in anger.

 

I wonder if you are projecting your anger on him that your mm stays because of his wifes threat.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't know if he is a saint. I don't know of us who are. But he is certainly in a position of not only being continually blamed, he is dealing with a spouse that does not really want to love him. That is said. Based only on WW posts, even if she were to leave her BS, she won't end up with MM. It looks like a mess from here. WW posts always seem to point to the right make one's self happy at every body's expense. She seems confused, sad, entitled and just a bit angry. It seems a hard place to be. I don 't understand it.

[Brokenlady]

What. The. Hell. Being "betrayed" does not give a BS a blank check to do whatever the hell they want. I don't care if WW was banging every guy in town on public access TV, her BS has no right to take it out on the children. No exceptions. The fact that she cheated is never going to make that behavior of his ok. And WW is only responsible for her own actions, not her BS's, so don't lay this crap at her doorstep that if she hadn't cheated, this wouldn't have happened. That's like saying if there were no guns, no one would get murdered. It's stupid.

 

And her H deserves exactly what he gets now - if he chose to manipulate WW to stay with him, obviously the idea that she be truly in love with him wasn't a priority for him. So he got what he asked for - her presence. He's chosen the way he wanted to keep his M, and there's consequences to that. Just the way it goes.

[donnamaybe]

IMHO if the parents aren't happy together then that is worse for the children in terms of security than divorce. A child can feel insecure in an unhappy household just the same as in a divorced household. And there are ways to divorce that preserve the child's sense of stability & security better than having to live in the nightmare of a house with unhappy parents. I have no idea what Wheelwright's household or marriage is like. I'm just saying I don't think staying together just for the kids is a good idea in general & I don't think it necessarily means 'security' for the kids. Now if Wheelwright's goal was to have a family unit intact then yes she did dump all over it. That's why I'm trying to figure out why Wheelwright is staying married & what her goals & intentions are. If she wants an intact happy family then she shouldn't have cheated & hopefully she will stop. If she is unhappy & things are unstable then she should get out.

Exactly, which is why, instead of sneaking around and cheating behind my ex's back (and making my son endure the fallout that would be sure to come as in the case here), I tried to work with him first; tried my best even to the point of going to couples therapy (wherein the ex refused to go any longer once the focus was on many of his actions). After it was clear he wasn't going to put in the effort to repair our relationship, I initiated divorce proceedings. At least when you divorce, instead of staying in the R and hurting one another, there is a chance that you can at least be civil enough to co-parent for your children's sake. There is too much hurt in hanging around instead and doing dirt to your SO behind his/her back. That, IMO, is MUCH worse for the kids just as you said.

[donnamaybe]

The cheating alone shows how irresponsible and careless they are.

Sorry, but I have to agree with this. If there was so much concern for the children's well being, there would have been an effort to repair the R OR divorce instead of sneaking around, lying, deceiving, etc.

[Woggle]

What. The. Hell. Being "betrayed" does not give a BS a blank check to do whatever the hell they want. I don't care if WW was banging every guy in town on public access TV, her BS has no right to take it out on the children. No exceptions. The fact that she cheated is never going to make that behavior of his ok. And WW is only responsible for her own actions, not her BS's, so don't lay this crap at her doorstep that if she hadn't cheated, this wouldn't have happened. That's like saying if there were no guns, no one would get murdered. It's stupid.

 

And her H deserves exactly what he gets now - if he chose to manipulate WW to stay with him, obviously the idea that she be truly in love with him wasn't a priority for him. So he got what he asked for - her presence. He's chosen the way he wanted to keep his M, and there's consequences to that. Just the way it goes.

 

He made one statement in anger and this somehow makes him worse than a spouse who has continually betrayed him and blamed for everything? So because he is not an emotionless robot who gives her his full blessing and says okay when she slices up his heart he is a monster. He doens't really mean it and I bet if they did divorce she would be the one who makes it hard for him to see his kids. That is usually how these cheaters operate.

 

I just find it unbelievable how one statement made in anger makes it okay for her to exhibit a pattern of lying and deception that is carefully thought and over time.

[alexandria35]

What. The. Hell. Being "betrayed" does not give a BS a blank check to do whatever the hell they want. I don't care if WW was banging every guy in town on public access TV, her BS has no right to take it out on the children. No exceptions. The fact that she cheated is never going to make that behavior of his ok. And WW is only responsible for her own actions, not her BS's, so don't lay this crap at her doorstep that if she hadn't cheated, this wouldn't have happened. That's like saying if there were no guns, no one would get murdered. It's stupid.

 

And her H deserves exactly what he gets now - if he chose to manipulate WW to stay with him, obviously the idea that she be truly in love with him wasn't a priority for him. So he got what he asked for - her presence. He's chosen the way he wanted to keep his M, and there's consequences to that. Just the way it goes.

 

Ummm...what is it exactly that you believed happened? WW's husband showed amazing loyalty and conviction during the ending of her affair. From her own previous posts she described her husband as her number one supporter when her exmm was treating her like crap. I don't doubt that he probably blew up from time to time due to the stress and pain but for the most part he sounded solid and stable. He didn't abandon his children and I wholeheartedly believe that he wouldn't have had it come down to it. You say "so don't lay this crap at her doorstep that if she hadn't cheated this wouldn't have happened" Well what are you saying here? Do you think her husband just routinely told WW that he was going to leave her and the kids even before she cheated? That he was some kind of a monster that enjoyed tormenting her for the fun of it?

 

If you haven't read her whole story you should. Her husband didn't manipulate her to do anything. He wasn't the one to put a stop to the affair, her MM was. At that time WW would have left her husband in a heartbeat if her MM indicated that he would leave his wife. And I think she actually did leave her husband for a short while and then only went back to him when she realized her lover wasn't going to leave his wife. Back then WW was doing everything and anything to satisfy her own desires. She was quite good at not letting anyone get in the way of getting her own needs met without concern of the impact her affair would have on her husband or her children. Now you would have us believe that WW is just a delicate helpless flower, incapable of standing up to her monster of a husband?

 

She is not with her husband because he threatened to abandon the kids, she is with him because her married man didn't want her. After all WW didn't say that her husband threatened to abandon the kids if she left the marriage. She said he threatened to abandon the kids if she left to go be with the OM. Since her OM doesn't want her anyways and she isn't goint to be with him EVER, her husbands threat is moot point and should have no bearing on if she leaves or stays now, but now she doesnt' want to leave because she doesn't have OM to go running to. Like so many cheating women, she doesn't have the guts to leave her husband simply because she doesn't love him, she would rather use her husband while she waits for the next best thing.

[Snowflower]

What. The. Hell. Being "betrayed" does not give a BS a blank check to do whatever the hell they want. I don't care if WW was banging every guy in town on public access TV, her BS has no right to take it out on the children. No exceptions. The fact that she cheated is never going to make that behavior of his ok. And WW is only responsible for her own actions, not her BS's, so don't lay this crap at her doorstep that if she hadn't cheated, this wouldn't have happened. That's like saying if there were no guns, no one would get murdered. It's stupid.

 

And her H deserves exactly what he gets now - if he chose to manipulate WW to stay with him, obviously the idea that she be truly in love with him wasn't a priority for him. So he got what he asked for - her presence. He's chosen the way he wanted to keep his M, and there's consequences to that. Just the way it goes.

 

Most posters here are not saying what the BH said was okay. Some posters are saying that they can understand (not condoning or excusing) why some statements might be made in anger.

 

He made one statement in anger and this somehow makes him worse than a spouse who has continually betrayed him and blamed for everything? So because he is not an emotionless robot who gives her his full blessing and says okay when she slices up his heart he is a monster. He doens't really mean it and I bet if they did divorce she would be the one who makes it hard for him to see his kids. That is usually how these cheaters operate.

 

I just find it unbelievable how one statement made in anger makes it okay for her to exhibit a pattern of lying and deception that is carefully thought and over time.

 

Yes this!^^^^

 

It seems that some AP and WS for that matter find any emotion displayed by a BS as somehow wrong. As if a BS should be an emotionless robot ready to just put up and shut up with whatever is thrown at them.

 

If a BS reacts with desperation and sadness--and there was a thread on infidelity that dealt with this--then the BS is often seen as pathetic, clueless or in some cases, manipulative.

 

If a BS reacts with anger (as in the case of WW's husband) then the BS is seen as bitter, manipulative, vengeful, etc. Heck, no one says the perfect thing in the middle of emotional distress.

 

I would really love to know how a BS "should" act after d-day. Maybe I should start a thread on this...hmmm...

 

Again, I'm not excusing WW's husband. As afBS myself, his statement of abandoning his kids doesn't make a lot of sense. But then again, we don't know the context or what else was said when he made that statement.

 

In any case, he has not followed up his words with actions. He is still there with his children.

[desertIslandCactus]

 

she doesn't have the guts to leave her husband simply because she doesn't love him, she would rather use her husband while she waits

 

I agree with this Wheel. Your posts have been about romantic remembrances of the MM. And unfortunately another (new) member even reminded you of the instance of your H's threat.

[Woggle]

A BS should say yes my dear go and have your magical and enchanting affair because you deserve it. I was a horrible spouse and this is all my fault.

Anything else is bullying.

[dreamingoftigers]

A BS should say yes my dear go and have your magical and enchanting affair because you deserve it. I was a horrible spouse and this is all my fault.

Anything else is bullying.

 

And the BS should never, ever cry, that would be emotionally manipulating the WS to feel guilty, and they have nothing to feel guilty for. "true love" has casualties! Never mind the whole idea that you promised a spouse true love.

[herenow]

 

It seems that some AP and WS for that matter find any emotion displayed by a BS as somehow wrong. As if a BS should be an emotionless robot ready to just put up and shut up with whatever is thrown at them.

 

 

Interesting concept. I wonder if there are OW who feel that the BW should just "put up and shut up". After all, that is what some OW do with no choice if they want to continue an affair with a MM.

 

Just food for thought. Maybe some OW don't get the fact that BWs have a very different expectation from their husbands. Maybe OW see the emotion that BW's display as weak or manipulative because they (some OW) know that that kind of behavior would put an end to some affairs.

 

I would imagine it would upset some OW when a BW is able to use "threats" as it is sometimes said, because an OW can't usually use such "threats" with any positive results.

 

Maybe WW thinks her H should be accepting (without being a bully as she says) because she was willing to accept less from her MM.

 

Not saying this is true, just wondering.

[jj33]

Wheelwright I have read this thread with interest and my heart goes out to you. You have paid more than most for the A and it has come back to haunt you in every area of your life. Big hugs.

 

People say things in anger but you have always seemed quite grounded and I cant imagine you would post a thread about it if you didnt think your H was serious about abandoning his children.

 

As BB07 and others have said already, its wrong, there is no justification for it. Who was the victim who has a right to be angry is not the point. He is their father and he is not putting his children first. He is putting him first which I am guessing had something to do with why you had the A in the first place.

 

WW if you are now employed you may want to think about leaving and suing for full custody and support. You dont need to be bullled and there is no call for that or to have your children used as pawns while you are still living in the same house.

 

Thinking of you and hoping today is a better day.

[Brokenlady]

Let's be clear. Saying "something" in anger is one thing. I get a BS threatening to D is the OM is still around, but threatening to abandon the kids? That takes a special kind of heinous to suggest that.

 

The BS in my situation also said upon discovering the A "You're not sticking me with the kids". She was going to run off to NYC and live her dreams. As a mother, I can't imagine saying this. I just can't. Of course, that fantasy was short lived, because she realized that that was exactly what her H wanted - her to go away. Then she took up the tack of whining begging and manipulating. She even got together a prayer group to pray that he'd come home. She told him thAt she didn't even care that he didn't love her, he'd learn!

 

There just are BS's that view their WS more like possessions than beloved partners. Maybe WW's H is one of them.

[donnamaybe]

The BS in my situation also said upon discovering the A "You're not sticking me with the kids". She was going to run off to NYC and live her dreams. As a mother, I can't imagine saying this. I just can't. Of course, that fantasy was short lived, because she realized that that was exactly what her H wanted - her to go away. Then she took up the tack of whining begging and manipulating. She even got together a prayer group to pray that he'd come home. She told him thAt she didn't even care that he didn't love her, he'd learn!

And you heard her say these things? Or did her WS tell you all this?

[Woggle]

Actually doing it is one thing but when I caught my ex wife in bed with another man and she started telling me how abusive I was I told her that if I really was an abuser I would have shot both her and the OM but I am not so I just want a divorce. I am not a violent person at all but at that point I was not thinking clearly.

[Brokenlady]

And you heard her say these things? Or did her WS tell you all this?

 

I saw the emails Donna. All of them.

[Brokenlady]

Actually doing it is one thing but when I caught my ex wife in bed with another man and she started telling me how abusive I was I told her that if I really was an abuser I would have shot both her and the OM but I am not so I just want a divorce. I am not a violent person at all but at that point I was not thinking clearly.

 

But even this is a completely different animal than threatening harm to or threatening to abandon your children!

[donnamaybe]

I saw the emails Donna. All of them.

Depending on how those e-mails were relayed to you, things can be altered. However, if the e-mails were actually written only by her, that's a sad sad situation. There is such a thing as self respect, after all.

[dreamingoftigers]

But even this is a completely different animal than threatening harm to or threatening to abandon your children!

 

Oh for the love of God, I am a mother too and being cheated on screws up your head in the short-term, quite nicely in fact. If you've been cheated on and that didn't happen to you.... Then lucky you.

 

Not only dud I threaten not to be part of my child's life, I left her with my husband for a couple of hours after saying so and vented to my aunt. My daughter was 3 months old, she was so cute and tiny-precious. I missed her, I came back. Did it make me Mom of the Year? No. Does that two hour period make me entirely unfit with no hope? No. It means under extreme duress I acted in a way that at the time I felt was in my daughter's best interest. I thought what had happened (in my irrational thought patterns) confirmed that I wasn't worthy enough to be wife and mother.

 

My husband has done the disappearing act 3 times since. Truly it is part of his screwed-up thinking that he has one last chance to work on. I know for a fact that he loves his little girl immensely, he us just one screwed up dude (I am screwed up too mind you). His behavior isn't right and it certainly isn't rational, but both if us aren't cold-blooded when it comes to our child.

[dreamingoftigers]

Depending on how those e-mails were relayed to you, things can be altered. However, if the e-mails were actually written only by her, that's a sad sad situation. There is such a thing as self respect, after all.

 

Although I have never had my husband tell me that he doesn't love me, I can actually understand the wife's line of thinking. Especially while the h is in affair fog. He us going to say and do things that are incredibly unloving and very " in the moment" for a spouse that is sure a WS isn't thinking clearly then the smartest thing she can do is buy herself a little more time.

 

Where exactly is WS now?

[BB07]

This is what I get from this thread. Most people understand a BS venting in anger and saying things they don't really mean or intend to carry out when in that anger stage. Who here has not done that at some point in their life??

 

Most people feel that carrying out the threat of abandoning your children because of WS's cheating is not justified nor shows the BS as having good character traits.

 

However..........there are a few who have said or implied that that the BS is free to do or say whatever they want to say just as long as they send a child support check. And.....there has been one (I think) poster who thought that the spouse who cheating should not have the children at all regardless of their parenting ability.

 

Does that about cover it?

[Brokenlady]

Although I have never had my husband tell me that he doesn't love me, I can actually understand the wife's line of thinking. Especially while the h is in affair fog. He us going to say and do things that are incredibly unloving and very " in the moment" for a spouse that is sure a WS isn't thinking clearly then the smartest thing she can do is buy herself a little more time.

 

Where exactly is WS now?

 

Legally divorced from her 2 years ago. Living by himself. I'm not with him bc he kept lying to me and violating my boundaries.