My parents and my husband are emotionally absent

[lisapisa]

I'm 45 years old and I've had a pretty difficult life by most people's standards. Lots of health issues, a liver transplant and all that goes with being sick since childhood (though when I'm not in the hospital, I lead a normal life and do not play the "sick" card at all!)

 

My family is kind of odd. My mother does not visit me in the hospital. There were times when I was in the hospital for three weeks in high school and she not only did not visit, but she wasn't home when I finally returned home. Out playing bridge or shopping. Since the liver transplant, I've been in the hospital several times, some for serious issues, some not so serious. Again, no visits, by her nor my father. They call and that makes me feel even worse, like, why aren't you here?

 

Once I was rescued from a fire in my apartment and went to their house to spend the rest of the night. They didn't even come out of their bedroom to see if I was OK...just acted annoyed that it was 3 a.m. and I was waking them up!

 

Now my mother tells me she doesn't feel loved by my father (they are in their 70s). I want to tell her that I know exactly how she feels!

 

Am I wrong to expect more of my parents? This really hurts and this neglectfulness (it goes much deeper than these little vignettes) have caused deep insecurities in me, when on the outside, I'm attractive, smart and very successful. I've done a fair amount of stealing, mostly little things, from people who I feel "have" what I don't have. I've gotten a grip on that over the past few years though. And I think my cynical and sometimes harsh outlook on life (though I'm really warmhearted, rescue animals, etc) is due to this unparentlike behavior on their part. I have never felt unconditionally loved...by anyone...ever. It's really starting to be a problem, though it's been a problem forever, I guess. I go through periods of depression, but intellectually, I know I have no excuse to be depressed so I work my way out of it. Don't know how much longer I can play that game with myself!

[moimeme]

Am I wrong to expect more of my parents?

 

I'm almost tempted to think this is a fake post, so outlandish is this behaviour

 

Of course you're not wrong to expect more! They sound like people with BIG issues of their own. Parental love is crucial to a child's development and they've starved you of that; this is child abuse and can be considered a traumatic event. It is to your credit that you have managed to be successful despite having to live with emotional deprivation.

 

I have never felt unconditionally loved...by anyone...ever

 

You mention your husband in your title but you haven't discussed him at all. There is a theory that people marry people with whom they can work out their unresolved parental issues - if your husband is indeed as unresponsive as your parents, it could be the case in your situation.

 

If the distress you feel is causing you significant trouble, you might wish to seek professional help. You will, unfortunately, never be able to go back and get the love you should have had, but there is a therapeutic theory around self-parenting which posits that you can do the work your parents did not to help yourself overcome their neglect. This site has some information on the idea of the 'Inner Child', though it's not a professional site.

 

http://www.crystalinks.com/innerchild.html

 

There are books about healing the 'inner child':

 

Self-Parenting 12 Step Workbook: Windows to Your Inner Child by Patricia O'Gorman, et al

Self-Parenting: The Complete Guide to Your Inner Conversations by John K. Pollard, Linda Nusbaum (Illustrator)

12 Steps for Adult Children by Friends in Recovery

Healing the Child Within by Charles Whitfield (Author)

Lifeskills for Adult Children by Janet Woititz (Author), Alan Garner (Author)

 

You still have a lot of years ahead of you and you can take some steps to banish your old demons. Best of luck!

[lisapisa]

This was not a fake post...it's all true and actually, for many years I didn't realize that how my parent's treated me was unusual. I thought we were the perfect family, if you can believe that. It's not been until lately, seeing how other families react to each other (which I've found a bit sappy) that I realize how cold my family can be. They usually do rise to the occasion, like when I had the transplant, mom did fly directly from NYC at the end of the cruise (10 days later) to take care of me. However, they didn't interrupt the cruise. My husband's mom flew up to take care of me. My husband is a little better, but I actually broke up with the guys who were "ga-ga" over me...I must have searched for what I was used to. Thanks for the good advice. I will pursue all of it. Lisa