Am I shallow and uncaring?

[BB07]

Tanner, is there some history of sexual or physical abuse with your wife?

If so she might be using the weight as some sort of protective measure.

She obviously knows you aren't attracted to her, maybe marriage counseling would be of benefit to both of you and get to the underlying issues.

[willowthewisp]

You really should let her know that her weight is giving you the message that she doesn't love you enough to keep herself in shape. And then you can examine why you view her weight as a personal rejection. No surprise you have other family members with your attitude, it came from somewhere. Figure out why it is rejecting to you.

 

I knew you would come out with the line about those of us responding being overweight OP, it's so predictable. FYI I am 5 ft 8" and 133lbs. When I date, I am very mindful of a man who seems exceptionally struck on my apparence, they tend to be Narcisists, compliments yes, but if his compliments only pertain to my physical apparence I don't see him anymore.

 

Can you answer DOT's question?

 

To be perfectly honest, I don't think there is much point continuing to post and try and assisit you, you are not here for that, just justitfication.

 

I feel extremely sorry for your wife, she deserves so much more than a man like you.

Edited March 18, 2011 by willowthewisp

[2.50 a gallon]

I see thus as a male / female thing.

 

Most women are going to say you are shallow, while most men will probably see it as you see it.

 

I have been accused of being shallow for most of my adult life. I have been repeatedly raked over the coals, by many ladies because all of the women that I dated were in the good looking category.

 

The truth is that for me to be interested in a woman, she has to be physically attractive. Anything less and there is no way that I can get excited to show her a good time between the sheets.

 

It is like eating eggs. I hate the smell, testure and taste of all eggs. It does not matter whether they are scramble, fired, or boiled, they just flat sicken my stomach. YUCK!

 

I get the same feeling when I see an overweight woman trying to be sexy.

 

We all find our drug of choice. In your wife's case it is food. And in your case it is excercise. I don't see how the two can ever be compromised.

 

Who cares what anybody else thinks. It is your life, you have tried and given her chance after chance, and she will not meet you half way. Get your divorce, with out feeling guilty and enjoy the rest of your life.

[dreamingoftigers]

Truly truly the OPs concern lies with wanting to bang a thin woman first and her health second, any warm-blooded human should examine why this is and see if their attitude needs an adjustment. If OP was concerned about her health and addictive-sugar issue, he wouldn't be eating unhealthy things with her. He isn't dating her, they have been married fir 27 years. You fight like Hell for a marriage of that length and you encourage the best for both if you. Withholding sex is very shaming for a woman. It just is.

 

Shaming someone is rarely going to get you the results you want.

[Duckduckgoose]

Well let the OP get his divorce and find a younger more attractive woman, but lo and behold if he gets upset when she leaves him for someone better looking who makes more money lol

 

Karma gonna get ya.

[dreamingoftigers]

Or she fills out to 450 lbs in the first year because she decides to like them donuts. Then he'll be begging for the "thin" wife. Lol

[wheretofromhere]

Tanner -- Please tell me --

 

1. Has your wife always been on the heavy side?

2. Did you and your wife enjoy the same things say 15 years ago (like working out and eating healthy)?

3. If she has not always been on the heavy side, when did she start gaining the weight? What age?

 

I am curious and would really appreciate your reply.

[Tanner2000]

Everybody thinks I'm this really bad person. If I was a really bad person I would have left her years ago when the kids were at home. There was no way I was about to abandon my kids. There have been many many years of me not saying a word about her weight. She would go on diet after diet with sister in laws or friends and I would say you look great after she would lose a few pounds. No abuse in her family what so ever. Her dad was a deputy sheriff and a good man. Her man had a stomach staple 10 years ago and is down to 200 pounds. She was really big before. her grandmother weighs 200 or more. Her sister weighs about 200 pounds from what she has told me. My wifes fear has always been to not look like her mom. She tells me that her genetics hold her back from losing weight. I tell her that it's not genetics she got from her mom, it's bad eating habits. My mom was around 200 before she passed and was 5' 8". My dad has a big belly and had it ever since his 40's. If I was to abide by the supposed family genetics I should have a big belly.

 

We talked again last night and this morning and I asked if she thought losing weight would only benefit me and she said she knew it would be good for her as well. She told me she wished she knew how strongly I felt before this as she would have tried harder in the dieting efforts. I told her that this is something I want to do together and there is no way I want to throw away 27 years of marriage to a great wife. She knew the weight issue bothered me, but not to the extent which was discussed the other night. I grilled chicken and we had fajitas. She asked if I would train her. I told her of course I would. I have worked out with my son and brother in the past in our workout room and got them on track and she said she wants me to do the same for her. We made up a 3 ring binder for her with different tabs for different days and exercises. I showed her how to do the Ab Glider that she was not interested in before and set her up with her own program on the elliptical. Then we took the dogs for a walk and talked more. She said she was sorry for not considering my needs and I said I was neglecting her as well. We both admitted we need to try harder to please each other. I asked her out on a date this weekend to go dancing and have some fun.

 

A lot of you are saying that I am shallow, but aren't most men. Someone wrote that men are very visual. I agree with that. Men also look inside at the person, however I think visual comes first. I think most women are looking further inside at the person first then visual after that. I would never be with a woman with bad morals or character no matter what body shape she is. Some posters are saying I just want to bang a skinny chick. That's pretty unfair to say not knowing me as a person. If that were the case I could easily go out and do that, I haven't and won't while I'm married. The thought of that disgusts me.

 

Duck, I own my own company now and was a vice president of a fortune 100 company before I started my own business. I'm not saying what it is, but we are the biggest and best company at what we do. If someone left me it wouldn't be because I don't make enough money. I provide very well for my family and continue to support my kids if they need something. They come to me if they need help as they know I'm a pushover where family is concerned.

 

Things are heading in the right direction again and I would like to thank everyone for their responses. Sorry if I got a little defensive on here at times and said some things out of character, however I just felt like I was being attacked and just wanted to attack back.

[Tanner2000]

Tanner -- Please tell me --

 

1. Has your wife always been on the heavy side?

2. Did you and your wife enjoy the same things say 15 years ago (like working out and eating healthy)?

3. If she has not always been on the heavy side, when did she start gaining the weight? What age?

 

I am curious and would really appreciate your reply.

 

No, when we married she weighed 118 pounds. I guess the weight gain started after our 3rd child. She said she wanted to lose the baby fat in 4 months. She never did. Then it just kind of gradually kept creeping up. She was 28 when our last daughter was born. Yes, we use to ride bike every weekend when we were younger then she just lost interest in it and the kids and I would ride without her.

[Tanner2000]

Tanner, is there some history of sexual or physical abuse with your wife?

If so she might be using the weight as some sort of protective measure.

She obviously knows you aren't attracted to her, maybe marriage counseling would be of benefit to both of you and get to the underlying issues.

 

No abuse for her at all. My story is a little different. My mom was a strict disciplinarian and would whip me for little things like getting chili on my finger and wiping it on the table instead of a napkin. This is for a whole other discussion, but let's just say she was really bad, like today she would be in jail for what she did to us kids. I still have scars from the potato masher on the back of my hands, messed up finger nails from having my hand held over a table and getting them burned with a lighter. Wrestling coach even got the principle involved because of strap marks on my back. My Little brother wet the bed and got beat every day the bed was wet. He had a buzzer that went off when wet hit it under the sheets. He slept so hard the buzzer never woke him. He still thanks me to this day for pulling him out of bed when my mom and dad were out and quickly washing and drying the sheets and his underwear before they got home from drinking. My mom would be so happy in the morning when she saw dry sheets. My brother would get hugs and praises. The weird thing was he never wet the bed at my cousins home, grandparents home or friends. My mom held that against him, saying he wet the bed to spite her. That Michael Landon movie where the mother made him wear wet underwear around his neck outside happened in our home well before that movie ever came out. My dad was gone from weekend to weekend working and sometimes for a month at a time. Maybe I'm the way I am because of a twisted youth. I just said I would never let my upbringing effect the way I live. That's why I never layed a hand on my kids. There was no way I would treat my kids like I was treated.

[Duckduckgoose]

Well just keep us posted on your wife's improvement... and yours as well. You can't just talk to her once, keep her motivated. Tell her that you really liked doing bike rides with her, you really like taking the dogs for a walk with her, you really like when she eats your (healthy) cooking.

 

Also try to make bad foods less available in your house. That's how I keep from eating them. They are not there I don't eat them lol

 

And when ya'll go out share dessert don't get two seperate ones.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

No abuse for her at all. My story is a little different. My mom was a strict disciplinarian and would whip me for little things like getting chili on my finger and wiping it on the table instead of a napkin. This is for a whole other discussion, but let's just say she was really bad, like today she would be in jail for what she did to us kids. I still have scars from the potato masher on the back of my hands, messed up finger nails from having my hand held over a table and getting them burned with a lighter. Wrestling coach even got the principle involved because of strap marks on my back. My Little brother wet the bed and got beat every day the bed was wet. He had a buzzer that went off when wet hit it under the sheets. He slept so hard the buzzer never woke him. He still thanks me to this day for pulling him out of bed when my mom and dad were out and quickly washing and drying the sheets and his underwear before they got home from drinking. My mom would be so happy in the morning when she saw dry sheets. My brother would get hugs and praises. The weird thing was he never wet the bed at my cousins home, grandparents home or friends. My mom held that against him, saying he wet the bed to spite her. That Michael Landon movie where the mother made him wear wet underwear around his neck outside happened in our home well before that movie ever came out. My dad was gone from weekend to weekend working and sometimes for a month at a time. Maybe I'm the way I am because of a twisted youth. I just said I would never let my upbringing effect the way I live. That's why I never layed a hand on my kids. There was no way I would treat my kids like I was treated.

 

If the above isn't an extremely strong argument for you to seek therapy to sort out and work on yourself, then I honestly don't know what is....

[BlindRage]

It is like eating eggs. I hate the smell, testure and taste of all eggs. It does not matter whether they are scramble, fired, or boiled, they just flat sicken my stomach. YUCK!

 

Have you tried just eating the egg white without the yoke? It taste great the like that. I've tried to eat the eggs with the yoke and it just taste like licking a dirty baby chicken. It's disgusting.

[BlindRage]

Tanner, maybe people are saying you're shallow but I GUARANTEE you they are shallow to some degree too. Everyone is! Prove me wrong... I noticed that many women are attacking you, so let me just ask a few questions to them girls first then the men.

 

Ladies if Michael Berryman had ALL, let me emphasize that ALL the attributes you looked for in someone (minus being rich but rather just well financially) plus treating you like princesses, would you date him and marry him? Be honest.

 

Same question now to the men but instead of Michael Berryman.. How about... Jocelyn Wildenstein

[Duckduckgoose]

TBH Michael Berryman is cute in a funny sort of way

 

I wouldn't date him because of his age and celebrity status, however.

[willowthewisp]

Tanner, maybe people are saying you're shallow but I GUARANTEE you they are shallow to some degree too. Everyone is! Prove me wrong... I noticed that many women are attacking you, so let me just ask a few questions to them girls first then the men.

 

Ladies if Michael Berryman had ALL, let me emphasize that ALL the attributes you looked for in someone (minus being rich but rather just well financially) plus treating you like princesses, would you date him and marry him? Be honest.

 

Same question now to the men but instead of Michael Berryman.. How about... Jocelyn Wildenstein

 

I don't know who Micheal Berryman is! LOL

 

But any way, it's not the point Blindrage, no one is saying that the OP SHOULD fancy his wife physically or that he SHOULD be attracted to her physically or that he should have sex whith her. That is not what I am getting at. What I am saying is that a choice of staying married, his choice of wife, that he has been with for nearly 3 decades, should not be based on physical apparence.

 

We are all going to get old and wrinkly Blindrage, all of us. There is more to a person than physical apparence and it is the fact that the OP has taken to sleeping on the couch because of her weight that is in question here.

 

It's like he is saying he can't be affectionate in any way with her and she is worthless because she is 3 stones overweight. That isn't right, the women has so much more to her than a body. That is what is shallow.

 

No one is saying they shouldn't try and figure it out, but he is contributing to the problem, her self esteem must be shot! Hardly motivating. It's like kids, kids who only get negative attention, develop further negative behaviours to get that negative attention, because at the end of the day, negative attention is better than no attention.

 

If all he does, with words and actions is convey that he thinks she is worthless then the only attention she gets is when he is commenting on her weight, so she keeps eating. Too simplistic, but you get the gist.

 

OP you need to seek thearpy for your childhood abuse, based upon what you have written here (and I know that is limited) you have a problem with understanding what it is to love. Understandable when you weren't taught it by your parents. Address it and you may find that your marriage improves and your wife starts losing weight, not because you want her too, but because she is happier in herself in the improved relationship.

[2sunny]

so you say you haven't abused your wife - but it IS emotionally abusive to expect her to be the person she isn't. she is what she is - you either love her or you don't. when the love and affection is with held because she doesn't "look" the way you want her to look - it is NO different than what you experienced from your Mother.

 

process that for a while and tell me what YOU can do to be the CHANGE in your marriage that YOU expect to see... this is only about YOU.

[WorldIsYours]

so you say you haven't abused your wife - but it IS emotionally abusive to expect her to be the person she isn't. she is what she is - you either love her or you don't. when the love and affection is with held because she doesn't "look" the way you want her to look - it is NO different than what you experienced from your Mother.

 

process that for a while and tell me what YOU can do to be the CHANGE in your marriage that YOU expect to see... this is only about YOU.

 

I think you should also take heed to this OP.

 

And you also might want to consider the possibility that IF she does get her body back in shape, that she might want to leave you for how you were emotionally abusive to her. This is not just about you and your need to get a nut off, no offense.

[BlindRage]

TBH Michael Berryman is cute in a funny sort of way

 

I wouldn't date him because of his age and celebrity status, however.

 

 

Because of his AGE? That seems a little shallow considering he -from my question- has EVERY quality you would ever want in a man. You would let a little thing like age stop you?

 

lol

 

moving on.. Well I see that OP shouldn't base leaving his wife over a weight gain issue. BUT. I also see that that is something within his partners control, weight is not something genetic and its not destine to be like that or out of hand. She could give a little effort at least just to feel better and satisfy her husband too. He shouldn't be the only one that has to compromise with the weight, its within her control. Can you see where I'm getting at here? I'm not siding I'm just thinking both should do whats best for each other (weight is a health issue that can affect people ultimately).. sort of a.. uhh.. nash equilibrium if you will.

 

P.S: I read your other post Willow (in the thread Still struggling) and I'm sorry for everything you're going through. Eventually if you allow it you can find another that is more "compatible" with you -and your ex is a joke for dragging on a relationship for 20 years just for the heck of being in one, and the term "compatible" he used is just.. wow.. how.. I'm lost for words here- I know this isn't what will make you feel better, but from what i've read about you, you seem like a great person and you could do MUCH better. I wish you the best in that

Edited March 18, 2011 by BlindRage

[highviolet]

Everybody thinks I'm this really bad person. If I was a really bad person I would have left her years ago when the kids were at home. There was no way I was about to abandon my kids. There have been many many years of me not saying a word about her weight. She would go on diet after diet with sister in laws or friends and I would say you look great after she would lose a few pounds. No abuse in her family what so ever. Her dad was a deputy sheriff and a good man. Her man had a stomach staple 10 years ago and is down to 200 pounds. She was really big before. her grandmother weighs 200 or more. Her sister weighs about 200 pounds from what she has told me. My wifes fear has always been to not look like her mom. She tells me that her genetics hold her back from losing weight. I tell her that it's not genetics she got from her mom, it's bad eating habits. My mom was around 200 before she passed and was 5' 8". My dad has a big belly and had it ever since his 40's. If I was to abide by the supposed family genetics I should have a big belly.

 

We talked again last night and this morning and I asked if she thought losing weight would only benefit me and she said she knew it would be good for her as well. She told me she wished she knew how strongly I felt before this as she would have tried harder in the dieting efforts. I told her that this is something I want to do together and there is no way I want to throw away 27 years of marriage to a great wife. She knew the weight issue bothered me, but not to the extent which was discussed the other night. I grilled chicken and we had fajitas. She asked if I would train her. I told her of course I would. I have worked out with my son and brother in the past in our workout room and got them on track and she said she wants me to do the same for her. We made up a 3 ring binder for her with different tabs for different days and exercises. I showed her how to do the Ab Glider that she was not interested in before and set her up with her own program on the elliptical. Then we took the dogs for a walk and talked more. She said she was sorry for not considering my needs and I said I was neglecting her as well. We both admitted we need to try harder to please each other. I asked her out on a date this weekend to go dancing and have some fun.

 

A lot of you are saying that I am shallow, but aren't most men. Someone wrote that men are very visual. I agree with that. Men also look inside at the person, however I think visual comes first. I think most women are looking further inside at the person first then visual after that. I would never be with a woman with bad morals or character no matter what body shape she is. Some posters are saying I just want to bang a skinny chick. That's pretty unfair to say not knowing me as a person. If that were the case I could easily go out and do that, I haven't and won't while I'm married. The thought of that disgusts me.

 

Duck, I own my own company now and was a vice president of a fortune 100 company before I started my own business. I'm not saying what it is, but we are the biggest and best company at what we do. If someone left me it wouldn't be because I don't make enough money. I provide very well for my family and continue to support my kids if they need something. They come to me if they need help as they know I'm a pushover where family is concerned.

 

Things are heading in the right direction again and I would like to thank everyone for their responses. Sorry if I got a little defensive on here at times and said some things out of character, however I just felt like I was being attacked and just wanted to attack back.

 

Well aren't you a peach...

 

Maybe she got the hint from you throughout the years that you would have left her if it wasn't for the kids and therefore didn't really feel like trying too hard to please you, or was so depressed by her husband stringing her along all these years that she just really didn't have the willpower to change her addictive eating habits.

[Tanner2000]

I do show her affection. I'll put my arm around her when we are out. I'll hold her hand when we are walking together sometimes. A couple times a week she will have a bad headache and as we watch TV laying different directions on the sectional, I'll run my fingers through her hair and lightly scratch her scalp as it helps the headache go away. I'm not like the ogre some are making me out to be. It's not like I'm going to ask for a divorce anytime soon. When she found that search the other night, I just said OK, we need to talk about the white elephant in the room. The white elephant being that we had not had sex again in a long time. Right away she said It's about my weight isn't it. That's when I told her that it's better for her health wise to lose weight and sure it would be more appealing to me. When I say white elephant, you all know that's something that is huge but you don't talk about it. So you see it's not like I run around here demeaning her about her weight all the time, The subject rarely rears it's ugly head as I know it's a sore subject for her.

 

I didn't know who Jocelyn Wildenstein was but I just searched her and yikes, that is one messed up woman...that is a woman right?

[Tanner2000]

Just a word to the women on here. If you are overweight and have a husband that is in good shape, believe me, he is secretly admiring slender women and secretly wishing you would lose some weight.

 

Now, if you're a woman and are in good shape, I'm sure if your husband is fat, you are wishing he would lose the weight. You don't see fat Chippendale dancers and you don't see fat female Broadway dancers.

 

If you're a single woman and are in good shape, I'm sure if you see a fat slob sitting at the bar, you don't give him a second look. If you're a heavy woman, you would gladly sit next to the fat slob guy because that's about all you're gonna get baby.

 

It's just reality for both sexes.

[willowthewisp]

I do show her affection. I'll put my arm around her when we are out. I'll hold her hand when we are walking together sometimes. A couple times a week she will have a bad headache and as we watch TV laying different directions on the sectional, I'll run my fingers through her hair and lightly scratch her scalp as it helps the headache go away. I'm not like the ogre some are making me out to be. It's not like I'm going to ask for a divorce anytime soon. When she found that search the other night, I just said OK, we need to talk about the white elephant in the room. The white elephant being that we had not had sex again in a long time. Right away she said It's about my weight isn't it. That's when I told her that it's better for her health wise to lose weight and sure it would be more appealing to me. When I say white elephant, you all know that's something that is huge but you don't talk about it. So you see it's not like I run around here demeaning her about her weight all the time, The subject rarely rears it's ugly head as I know it's a sore subject for her.

 

I didn't know who Jocelyn Wildenstein was but I just searched her and yikes, that is one messed up woman...that is a woman right?

 

You are sleeping on the couch! Your actions tell her she isn't good enough. You are sonsidering divorce because she is overweight. Look OP try and see this from her point of view, just for a second...

 

What if she said to you "hey, I don't wnat to have sex with you because you are too hairy" now imagine that to remove your body hair you had to stop doing everything in life that you enjoyed and begin a marathon to shed one hair at a time.

 

How would you FEEL? Wouldn't it hurt to know your wife would actually think of leaving you after nearly 30 years and 3 children because you are hairy. Lets say the hair crept on due to you having the children, every time you made her concieve you sprouted 40 hairs.

 

Do you see what I mean?

Edited March 18, 2011 by willowthewisp

[Woggle]

Just a word to the women on here. If you are overweight and have a husband that is in good shape, believe me, he is secretly admiring slender women and secretly wishing you would lose some weight.

 

Now, if you're a woman and are in good shape, I'm sure if your husband is fat, you are wishing he would lose the weight. You don't see fat Chippendale dancers and you don't see fat female Broadway dancers.

 

If you're a single woman and are in good shape, I'm sure if you see a fat slob sitting at the bar, you don't give him a second look. If you're a heavy woman, you would gladly sit next to the fat slob guy because that's about all you're gonna get baby.

 

It's just reality for both sexes.

 

I have to agree with this. I wonder what the reaction would be if we reversed the genders. Do women love their men for who they are?

[Tanner2000]

She has tried WW twice as one sister in law used it and it worked. Hers didn't take. I don't know if she was snacking in between or not following it exactly, but she did try it twice. I agree with the shocking the body is bad advise. I know it has to be a long slow healthy change. She knows this too. I look around and see so many womens health and Oprah, Womens day, Ladies Home Journal, etc. They are all over the house with diet and exercise articles. You would think she would be an expert by now.