Am I shallow and uncaring?

[highviolet]

Just a word to the women on here. If you are overweight and have a husband that is in good shape, believe me, he is secretly admiring slender women and secretly wishing you would lose some weight.

 

Now, if you're a woman and are in good shape, I'm sure if your husband is fat, you are wishing he would lose the weight. You don't see fat Chippendale dancers and you don't see fat female Broadway dancers.

 

If you're a single woman and are in good shape, I'm sure if you see a fat slob sitting at the bar, you don't give him a second look. If you're a heavy woman, you would gladly sit next to the fat slob guy because that's about all you're gonna get baby.

 

It's just reality for both sexes.

 

Wishing someone will lose weight but still loving them nonetheless and blaming their weight gain for the demise of their marriage and wanting a divorce because of it are two very different things.

[xxoo]

IWhen I say white elephant, you all know that's something that is huge but you don't talk about it. So you see it's not like I run around here demeaning her about her weight all the time, The subject rarely rears it's ugly head as I know it's a sore subject for her.

 

Do you think she doesn't know why you sleep on the couch? Do you think she doesn't notice that you don't want to have sex with her?

 

I look around and see so many womens health and Oprah, Womens day, Ladies Home Journal, etc. They are all over the house with diet and exercise articles. You would think she would be an expert by now.

 

I don't read these magazines....but if there were ever an argument for how difficult it can be for some people to lose weight and keep it off---it's Oprah. With all her money and trainers and personal chefs and motivation (being under a microscope)....she's still fat. I've never personally struggled with weight, but that tells me that it is NOT easy at all for some people.

 

I understand that you wouldn't choose an overweight woman as a partner. I wouldn't necessarily choose an old man as a partner. But when H and I are in our 70s....guess what? I'll have an old man, and he'll have an old lady

 

The point is...this isn't some random overweight woman you've gotten "stuck" with. This is your wife! The woman you presumably love. The mother of your children. Is she physically perfect? No. But she is still the same wonderful woman at core. It seems so tragic that you can not bring yourself to love her, and make love to her, at this larger size

[willowthewisp]

Do you think she doesn't know why you sleep on the couch? Do you think she doesn't notice that you don't want to have sex with her?

 

 

 

I don't read these magazines....but if there were ever an argument for how difficult it can be for some people to lose weight and keep it off---it's Oprah. With all her money and trainers and personal chefs and motivation (being under a microscope)....she's still fat. I've never personally struggled with weight, but that tells me that it is NOT easy at all for some people.

 

I understand that you wouldn't choose an overweight woman as a partner. I wouldn't necessarily choose an old man as a partner. But when H and I are in our 70s....guess what? I'll have an old man, and he'll have an old lady

 

The point is...this isn't some random overweight woman you've gotten "stuck" with. This is your wife! The woman you presumably love. The mother of your children. Is she physically perfect? No. But she is still the same wonderful woman at core. It seems so tragic that you can not bring yourself to love her, and make love to her, at this larger size

 

Well said, this is what I have been trying to say, you said it so much better.

[Tanner2000]

I use to get up in the middle of the night and move out to the couch because of her snoring. Good lord it's like a freight train. That's probably what started me sleeping on the couch. Both her parents have the same issue. When we stay at their place I can hear them from the floor above. I use to nudge her to get her to roll over.

 

I really don't think she would want to have sex with me if I was 300 pounds. That would be smelly and disgusting. That's another thing, the smell is pretty bad. I use huggies to wipe after wiping with regular tissue and wipe everywhere down there. I heard Howard Stern say that on the radio one day. It really does leave you fresh down there. When she saw I bought them she was wondering what was going on and I told her about Howard Stern using them for that little extra cleaning down there. She just laughed at me and chalked it up to my slight germ phobia. They are on the back of the toilet and she never uses them. Even after getting out of the hot tub she is pretty bad down there. I've never said anything to her about that. How do you bring something like that up?

[Renewed]

R U serious?

[WorldIsYours]

R U serious?

 

I hope this isn't a troll because after reading this guy's latest post, he's really disrespectful and immature to his wife. Acting all prissy and stuff. Is this guy a girl? There's a way to convince a spouse to change themselves without being a dick about it.

[yessy21]

I use to get up in the middle of the night and move out to the couch because of her snoring. Good lord it's like a freight train. That's probably what started me sleeping on the couch. Both her parents have the same issue. When we stay at their place I can hear them from the floor above. I use to nudge her to get her to roll over.

 

I really don't think she would want to have sex with me if I was 300 pounds. That would be smelly and disgusting. That's another thing, the smell is pretty bad. I use huggies to wipe after wiping with regular tissue and wipe everywhere down there. I heard Howard Stern say that on the radio one day. It really does leave you fresh down there. When she saw I bought them she was wondering what was going on and I told her about Howard Stern using them for that little extra cleaning down there. She just laughed at me and chalked it up to my slight germ phobia. They are on the back of the toilet and she never uses them. Even after getting out of the hot tub she is pretty bad down there. I've never said anything to her about that. How do you bring something like that up?

 

 

 

wooooowww.. this totally grossed me out. she probrably has an infection due to the fat... she might sweat and not clean enough.... ewwwwwwwww ... send her to the gyno. sorry.

[trippi1432]

Oookaayyy....Yessy21, that was uncalled for. Your profile says it all. Tanner....there ya go..meet Yessy21..Yessy21 meet Tanner...he is 25 years older than you...but what the hey?? You have your opinions and his wife has thunder thighs and a body odor...want to pick the hairs out of his ears for him...hey, why don't you trim his eyebrows. Oh...while we are at it....could you hold his colostomy bag for him and cry over the surgeries he might have to have since you are being so sensitive to his plight of having to live up to his choices....sheesh....:rolleyes:

 

So....before I get booted for making that introduction...my favorite quote from my favorite movie..Something to Talk About....

 

My own daughters are ashamed of me, but I’m ashamed of you.

Why? You drink too much, you laugh too loud at your own jokes,

and Wylie I’m gonna tell you something, you fart in your sleep.

And I have put up with all of it because it was a part of you, and I loved you and I was

proud to be your wife, but I’m not proud anymore and if you attempt to

walk across this threshold, I am going to call down to that barn and have

those boys come up here and throw you out on your ass.

 

HA!! Guess what....love prevailed. We ALL have flaws and faults...as perfect as you think you are....you have them too Tanner.....some she may point out...some she may not...it goes both ways. And yes, I know it was a movie...but outside of this forum...it happens frequently in the non LS world.

[Craig2425]

Don't feed the troll.

[2sunny]

so you say you haven't abused your wife - but it IS emotionally abusive to expect her to be the person she isn't. she is what she is - you either love her or you don't. when the love and affection is with held because she doesn't "look" the way you want her to look - it is NO different than what you experienced from your Mother.

 

process that for a while and tell me what YOU can do to be the CHANGE in your marriage that YOU expect to see... this is only about YOU.

 

 

i'd like to see if the OP has an answer to this simple question...

 

tell me what YOU can do to be the CHANGE in your marriage that YOU expect to see

 

 

 

 

since a firm hand in shame and guilt hasn't been effective - it may be wise to choose a different path. honesty is key. it may look like this:

 

honey, i'm not digging your body anymore - nor the way you seem to take care of yourself in general. in fact, i've come to a point where i just seem to criticize most things about you instead of loving who you are on the inside. since that isn't working out so well - let's talk about what i can change here. it seems only fair to let you go - then you have a chance at living again without the criticism and ridicule that i seem to so naturally do when looking you over like you are under a microscope.

 

rejection has many faces... own the one you wear. i never said you were bad or anything less than - you continue to move to a defensive position... without a prompt. i am not one to judge - but you seem to be a master at it. if she isn't doing it for you - let her know... be HONEST. SHE has a choice in your marriage too! the more you try to force your way - the more she's NOT going to do it. i'm sure she eats to fill a void - for comfort. the more you push the more she is apt to eat to console the empty place that's been created. it's terribly disturbing to be married but at the same time to FEEL alone!

 

i've had several kids. i am a very slim and fit woman. not very many gals have several kids and still look amazing after having kids. i wonder how terrific men would look if they were made to birth children?

[threebyfate]

Tanner, yes you are shallow, particularly after 27 years of marriage with a wife who kept her weight down for the first two and only started letting herself go after the third.

 

I read threads like this and realize that men like this aren't uncommon which doesn't say much for society in general. So Tanner, I'd say you're a pretty average guy, one who thinks a lot of himself and finds that his wife doesn't weigh up to his standards.

[dangerous]

I've only read the start and some of this long thread, but really surprised that Tanner you have only mentioned the fat issue. Sounds like there must be other issues here, eg. lost shared interests, changes between you on your individual ambitions, maybe even interest in other women? As many have said on here, you can't change someone, they need to make the changes themselves. You need to get used to it, or move on.

 

btw, its not just the size is it though? You've mentioned odour and attitude, so this is all to do with your mutual attitudes to one another.

 

(PS. I speak from similar experience, not the fat, but after 23 years marriage have grown apart, and fed up with waiting for improvements.)

[Woman In Blue]

Yeah, I went out a purchased one of those Vita-Mix blenders to make us soup. I made the tortilla soup. I thought it was good. She felt it needed more tortilla chips so she took another handful of chips and put them in her bowl.

God, what are you - the food police? Every single thing the woman puts in her mouth you've described in one of your posts. What I don't understand is why SHE'S willing to allow you to chip away at her self esteem every single day, pointing out what she eats, when she eats it, how much of it she eats, and your constant digs about how everyone else can lose weight but her. Does she need a man around THAT bad that she's willing to degrade herself every day at your hands? Jesus.

 

I'm only 5'1" and weigh 114 pounds, so I'm not overweight, but if I were, I sure wouldn't put up with this garbage day after day. She should seriously get therapy to understand why she IS willing to allow it.

[Woman In Blue]

Just a word to the women on here. If you are overweight and have a husband that is in good shape, believe me, he is secretly admiring slender women and secretly wishing you would lose some weight.

And here's another little secret - a woman can be a super-model and 99% of men will STILL act like a jackass and want more. And that would be because they're jackasses.

[Tanner2000]

Wow, you people really need to go over to the prevention web site and see all the women bitching about their fat husbands they want to leave. I'm talking pages and pages and years and years of women saying they still have kids and they want to leave their husband because they no longer find them physically attractive because they have gotten fat and disgusting. They no longer want to have sex with them because they are repulsed to be touched by them because of the passing gas, belching, odors and big bellies. Many, many women on that site say they are in the same predicament only their husband is no longer sexually attractive while they work out and stay in shape. They're saying their husbands are caring wonderful fathers and husbands that make good money and are good people but they can't stand faking the sex anymore and find their fat bodies disgusting. I'm not lying, check it out. Many of the women over there have left and found someone who works out and keeps in shape and are now happy. Some say they wonder if they should have stuck it out but are happier that they left.

 

I just say if one of the spouses is overweight, please do whatever you can to shed the weight. You will be healthier and you will have a healthier sexual relationship with your spouse. I've always felt that sex is the glue that holds the marriage together and if one of the spouses is fat to the point where the other doesn't want sex because of it, it hurts the marriage.

[Tanner2000]

God, what are you - the food police? Every single thing the woman puts in her mouth you've described in one of your posts. What I don't understand is why SHE'S willing to allow you to chip away at her self esteem every single day...

By the way, if you read all my posts you would see that I rarely say anything to her about what she eats. I said it is a sore subject and I don't bring it up. I called it a white elephant in the room remember? That's something that is there, however you don't say anything about it.

[threebyfate]

Wow, you people really need to go over to the prevention web site and see all the women bitching about their fat husbands they want to leave. I'm talking pages and pages and years and years of women saying they still have kids and they want to leave their husband because they no longer find them physically attractive because they have gotten fat and disgusting. They no longer want to have sex with them because they are repulsed to be touched by them because of the passing gas, belching, odors and big bellies. Many, many women on that site say they are in the same predicament only their husband is no longer sexually attractive while they work out and stay in shape. They're saying their husbands are caring wonderful fathers and husbands that make good money and are good people but they can't stand faking the sex anymore and find their fat bodies disgusting. I'm not lying, check it out. Many of the women over there have left and found someone who works out and keeps in shape and are now happy. Some say they wonder if they should have stuck it out but are happier that they left.

 

I just say if one of the spouses is overweight, please do whatever you can to shed the weight. You will be healthier and you will have a healthier sexual relationship with your spouse. I've always felt that sex is the glue that holds the marriage together and if one of the spouses is fat to the point where the other doesn't want sex because of it, it hurts the marriage.

I keep getting false vibes from you.

[sniffys]

hey tanner i hope u read my message.

 

i am very very interested in your post. when i was a kid i have overheard stories from aunts or my moms friends or even jokes about a man leaving his wife cause shes no longer attractive (or has gained a lot of weight). when i grew up, i'd think this is shallow. this woman carried ur kids in her tummy for 9 months, cleaned your house, cooked for you..and just for this u fail to overlook her shortcomings?

 

but in a more realistic note, men are visual creatures. ive learned this in my mid 20's..i think your wife is a good woman but she should hear out your needs too. in order to lose weight, she NEEDS to want to do it.

 

i have been using this brazilian coffee for a while and ive lost tons of weight. i only eat what i want (candy, soda) 1x a week. i dont think that is a lot of work. if she wants sweets she can eat grapes , almonds..those taste way better than dumb cookies and cakes.

 

when i get married i will work out, diet and maintain an active lifestyle. going out, meeting friends, buying nice clothes and shoes. my downfall is being too jealous, i dont want my husband/bf looking at other women or fantasizing about them. i will try to give him a reason not to. its very hard to be happy if you have low self esteem. i have been there.

 

divorce i think, is really bad for a person. ive read that it ruins you. i really hope u guys try to work it out..maybe take a trip to another country, she will have no excuse to just sit in the hotel room if she wants to go sightseeing.

 

And here's another little secret - a woman can be a super-model and 99% of men will STILL act like a jackass and want more. And that would be because they're jackasses.

 

this is true, that even if the woman is a supermodel a man would still want more (we see it in the tabloids every day)..but i dont think all men are jackasses.

Edited March 20, 2011 by sniffys

[Sooner or Later]

I see where you are coming from Tanner.

 

I've had partners who gained weight and my sexual attraction to them was significantly decreased. A lot.

 

It is just a real turn off (for me).

 

Secondly, I don't understand sexless relationships or marriages (for years!).

 

I would bail. Life is too short. Your children are grown. Be happy and set her free to find someone who is physically attracted to her.

[WorldIsYours]

Wow, you people really need to go over to the prevention web site and see all the women bitching about their fat husbands they want to leave. I'm talking pages and pages and years and years of women saying they still have kids and they want to leave their husband because they no longer find them physically attractive because they have gotten fat and disgusting. They no longer want to have sex with them because they are repulsed to be touched by them because of the passing gas, belching, odors and big bellies. Many, many women on that site say they are in the same predicament only their husband is no longer sexually attractive while they work out and stay in shape. They're saying their husbands are caring wonderful fathers and husbands that make good money and are good people but they can't stand faking the sex anymore and find their fat bodies disgusting. I'm not lying, check it out. Many of the women over there have left and found someone who works out and keeps in shape and are now happy. Some say they wonder if they should have stuck it out but are happier that they left.

 

I just say if one of the spouses is overweight, please do whatever you can to shed the weight. You will be healthier and you will have a healthier sexual relationship with your spouse. I've always felt that sex is the glue that holds the marriage together and if one of the spouses is fat to the point where the other doesn't want sex because of it, it hurts the marriage.

 

Just because you've read a few posts from another website doesn't mean it's okay to hurt your wife's self-esteem. You may have abs but that doesn't mean you're perfect and you're better than her. I honestly do think maybe now you guys need to divorce because she doesn't deserve someone who will treat her like this. If you have a problem with her, say it in a nice matter instead of being mean and saying there's some wipes upstairs for her to clean her ass with. No wonder she doesn't want to do a lot for you, man.

[HappyAgain]

Just a question: why are you still going on about this? It doesn't sound like there is anything you like about your wife anymore and it's not just the weight, so why are you still in this marriage? I was in your wife's shoes although my husband was much much worse. The absolute best thing I ever did for my life was to finally leave him because he didn't have the courage to do it himself. I'm not being mean but if you can't even remember why you loved the person under the exterior package and have no respect for her today, then there is no marriage. I was married for a long time and it wasn't an easy decision but I had to ask myself if it/he was worth it and the answer was no.

 

Today, we both are happy with others, I've lost the weight I put on because of being depressed from my life with him and I love my life and new partner. I assume my ex is happy with his too - the end.

[Tanner2000]

I love most things about her. There are some pretty important ones that we are working on. She is not crazy depressed because we finally talked openly about the sex and weight issues. We're fine, she is fine. I'm just trying to understand why women lose the weight to get the man then gain it back after they get him.

 

We went for a bike ride today and she made steak and I made an awesome mashed cauliflower, with low fat cream cheese and a clove of garlic, sea salt, pepper, Parmesan cheese and paprika. I'm trying to help her make a change in dieting and exercise. She said she is not self motivated like I am. That's why she asked me to train her and help with the dieting food. I'm on board with this and the only time i really said anything about the weight and sex was the other night. I don't know why people keep saying that I hound my wife about eating. Maybe because their husband hounds them. Like I said over and over, it was always the white elephant in the room. Stop making it sound like I harp her daily about a conversation we had the other night for the first time ever.

[Tanner2000]

saying there's some wipes upstairs for her to clean her ass with. No wonder she doesn't want to do a lot for you, man.

WorldIsYours, you're a real dick for saying this. I said when she saw the huggies she asked what's up and I told her that I heard on Howard Stern that he uses them after regular wiping to do that little extra cleaning to smell fresher. She just laughed and thought it was one of my germ phobia things. She never uses them and I have never told her to use them. Stop putting words in my mouth.

[sniffys]

well to be honest guys esp the women here who are irked by tanner, i think he isnt that bad since he doesnt cheat on her, he hasnt delved into going for porn instead, he doesnt verbally abuse her or anything. he is actually wanting her to fix herself and their marriage. if ever she falls into a stroke or diabetes, who else is going to take care of her? of course its her husband. same as if i had a husband who REFUSES to take a shower, starts growing ringworms on his face, chest, arms, would i still wanna sleep with him?no. i have seen firsthand situations where the man actually cheated, had multiple affairs or frequently insult and put down their wives cause they have gained weight or were too busy taking care of a household full of children to care about their own selves. in this case the op and his wife has kids that no longer need to be taken cared of (grown up, went to college).

Edited March 20, 2011 by sniffys

[dreamingoftigers]

I love most things about her. There are some pretty important ones that we are working on. She is not crazy depressed because we finally talked openly about the sex and weight issues. We're fine, she is fine. I'm just trying to understand why women lose the weight to get the man then gain it back after they get him.

 

We went for a bike ride today and she made steak and I made an awesome mashed cauliflower, with low fat cream cheese and a clove of garlic, sea salt, pepper, Parmesan cheese and paprika. I'm trying to help her make a change in dieting and exercise. She said she is not self motivated like I am. That's why she asked me to train her and help with the dieting food. I'm on board with this and the only time i really said anything about the weight and sex was the other night. I don't know why people keep saying that I hound my wife about eating. Maybe because their husband hounds them. Like I said over and over, it was always the white elephant in the room. Stop making it sound

like I harp her daily about a conversation we had the other night for the first time ever.

 

You wife may have a sugar/white flour addiction. If she fails on her diet etc. It isn't because your marriage isn't important to her, it may very easily be to a sugar dependence. Other things you have posted up suggest this as well. You may want to look at the Daniel Amen books for weight loss and brain optimization as well as Unchain Your Brain.

 

Sugar addiction (refined carbs) is very real and a very crappy condition. I have it too and have tried and failed to modify it for years. I am 28 years old and not sure if I will live to be 35, it isn't because I don't want to.

 

Ironically enough genetics may play a part in her weight, because carbohydrate dispositions also run along the sane genetic line as alcoholism.

 

Sugar addiction isn't a moral issue, it is a physiological one. As well, withholding sex is a shaming activity. Whether you intend it to be or not. As well, if you are checking out other girls and withholding sex then that us definitely going to have an impact on the intimacy level she feels and that will affect her eating. I am not saying you are 'wrong' but by doing any shaming and withholding activity, even Judy ignoring the reality of the marriage, that will affect any addict who will isolate themselves more.

 

Also it would seem that there was a Hugh expectation placed on you and your brothers during childhood, you have also mentioned that you are quite the achiever. Often those who deal with Toxic Shame during childhood push to overachieve and hold those around them to high or unreasonable standards. This may it may not be you, but you have gone on the defensive here plenty and been justifying and minimizing attitudes and behaviors that are not congruent with truly appreciating and loving your spouse. Check out Bradshaw's Healing the Shame that Binds You. You can figure out for yourself if there is an issue.

 

Smell and weight are both things that could and should be able to be discussed openly with a spouse before looking at divorce. That alone should tell you something about your own communication in the matter.

 

That said, good luck in supporting your wife's newfound health interest.