Do I Walk Away?

[ace6061]

My girlfriend broke-up with me after five years of dating. This happened about three months ago. The initial pain has gone away but the feelings are still there. I’m at the stage where I don’t know what to do. The break off was very abrupt. First she asked for some space and I knew what that meant. Then a few weeks later, good bye! She told me that she needed to be alone. She needed to be single for the first time. She has not been single since she was 16. I am the second boyfriend she has had, so it’s not like she has many. We are both 24 now. Anyway! For the first month we didn’t really talk, I just hide in a hole. Then we got together to talk. By then her story had changed. She told me it was because I didn’t ask her to marry me; there were other reasons as well. Now fast-forward a couple of months. We have talked a bit more. She has told me that she is holding on to resentments from our relationship, stuff that isn’t really that bad but in her mind built up over time. She has told me that all this anger built up inside until she couldn’t take it anymore. She also admits that she should have spoken to me about these problems and that if she did we would probably still be together. She has also told me that she has feelings for another guy. S**T! She told me that they are good friends and she is not ready to be in a relationship with anybody, not me not anyone. She seems to somewhat want to make an effort to work through the problems we had. She is still talking to me. I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t know what I want from us. I understand that if she doesn’t want me I am better off without her. I think that if she is telling the truth about holding on to the resentments then maybe there still may be a chance. Maybe all that anger kept her from seeing our possible future. Any thoughts would be much appreciated. I know I can’t hold on forever. She has said so many things she is either making excuses and doesn’t want to tell me the truth. Or she is really confused. But I do still love her.

[overseas2004]

It is possible that she has a lot of anger for things that happened. One thing I am sure of though is that if you love someone you forgive them especially if they are making a sincere effort, or want to make a sincere effort to not make you angry anymore. If she does not want to forget the anger then at this point it is becoming unhealthy and she is the problem in the relationship.

 

The fact that she is interested in another guy is also indicative of which direction she will probably go in now.

 

I suggest that you should walk away from this because it seems that she is preventing you from getting over her. If you stop contact with her it will force a decision on her part as well. You don't really need to be caught up in this web of anger and possible other men right now. Do you???

[ace6061]

Does this type of thing ever work out? Do people get back together after a break-up like mine? Has anyone out there gotten back together after something like this? Was it any good the next time around? I think I am confusing her remaining feeling for me with the fact that she probably does not want to get back together with me. What do I make of the fact that she wants to still be friends no matter what happens? I do know if I am Capable of that. I just don’t know what to think anymore.

[Coffee13]

What would you expect if you got back together? It will not as it was, you will be disenchanted, you can't pretend you never parted ways---now is an opportunity to really think about what YOU want in a relationship and whether you had that---including what you want/need in terms of communication. By focusing on the other person, it is as if you believe she is the prize and not you---

[ThisGirlNameKD]

It sounds like your ex is confused. What it truly sounds like is that she wants to explore being in relationships with other people, but she's not totally ready to let you go at the same time. You both have been together for the past 8 years, so you have a pretty extensive history together. Logic maybe telling her to explore, but her emotions are still tied up with you. You don't want away from an 8 year relationship and get it out of your system in only 3 months. Something is still there.

 

Now whether you should act on it, I'm not sure. She's not sure what she wants to do, and if she's not sure, than an hope of a stable relationship with her may not come through. Proceed with caution.

[ace6061]

Coffee I never expected to just forget what is happening and I don’t know what to expect if we were to get back together. If we were to get back together I know I would never forget. I think it would have to start from the beginning again. I think I would have to learn to trust her all over again. I have realized that things will never be the same whether we get back together or not. If we did get back together and did learn to trust again things could be better. I know this is probably unlikely though. KD I don’t think acting on anything is the right thing to do at the moment. I have never pushed her to come back to me. I don’t think that is the right thing to do. If I try to push her that tells me that she doesn’t want it right now or ever again. I have been thinking about what I want in a relationship and it still may be her I don’t know. If she has changed and become a different person then that is that. She has not been herself. She seems to be very confused with life at the moment. The thing that I fight with is that I don’t know if I want her back or not. I do see the problems we had. I see some things I didn’t like about her but is that not normal? Is love not about accepting those things? It has become very clear to me that she is the one that needs to better understand what she wants and if that is not me then so be it. Thanks for the reply’s!

[HurtRuphen]

I agree she is confused, she wants to explore new options.

At the same time, she wants to have her cake and eat it too.

She needs the security you have given her by having you as her friend she can fall back on if things don't work out for her with her new options she is wanting to explore.

That choice is yours, but things will and can never be the same between you both.

You're never going to get over what she is doing, no matter what.

Sorry, and good luck with the whole ordeal.

Most times in relationships, you have to cut all communication, no phone, email,

nothing- in order to get over her and move on.

 

laters,

HurtRuphen

[ThisGirlNameKD]

To Ace6061:

 

You'll definitely see things in a person you love that you don't like. But what it all boils down to is what you can tolerate and live with and what you know you can't tolerate. For instance, if she's sloppy you may not like it, but you could probably deal with it. Someone else probably couldn't deal with that. So if you're contemplating having her back, just think about the things you don't like and ask yourself if it's something you can tolerate while you're together.

[amberdawn]

Sometimes when you're with a person so long, you get "used" to each other. It just gets boring and there's nothing really there anymore, it's just like routine. Maybe she needs something new, somebody that she doesn't know anything about, because there is mystery there when you don't know somebody, and there's NOT mystery there when you've been dating someone for as long as you and her had. You might just have to face the fact that she's not ready to 100% dedicate and devote her life to you and maybe you're not ready either. Just ask yourself about what you want in your future, and if that includes her. It sucks, i know...some people get together after something like this, because what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and some dont. She might see that the guy she thinks she has feelings for doesn't have the personality or qualities in him that she loves in you so much and she might miss that, but on the other hand she might just need something totally new and maybe she really isn't ready to commit her life to just one person. It's a scary thought. Give her and yourself some time to ponder on this. Best of luck.

[ace6061]

Thanks for all the reply’s

One thing I have realized on this site is that people do change and sometimes it is just like that. She may never want to try to work things out.

KD,

That I can’t live with. I mean I can’t be with someone who doesn’t love me the way I love them. That is my driving force through all this. She doesn’t love me like she did or at all any more. I won’t accept that from a partner.

Ruphen,

I understand what you are saying. I have never let this idea out of my head. She has

e-mailed me a couple of times in the last week. But I realize that she has to figure things out on her own. I am keeping my distance for both of us but more for myself. I am not just waiting for her to come back. I have met a couple of new ladies. Things are slow in that department, I don’t want to hurt other people because I still have issues to work out.

 

I push on! Three months and counting. It all just sucks that’s all.

[monamacy]

ace6061

i think you are a gentleman and you have treated her right. i can fully understand her stand of resenting you for not doing this and not doing that. she acknowledged her part that she should have talked to you first before pulling the trigger by her self without consulting you. well she was making conclusion and decision on her own. with that, if she wants to get back and work hard to achieve that, i think you should at leats give her a chance, of course that is after she's namaged to sort out by herself of what she really wants.

you know, all this sounds so familiar to me cos i was once like her. in my past relationships, our minds were rather shallow and i saw things differently, until this relationship with this matured man who made me realised a lot of my mistakes that carried me smoothly with the other man, but not with him cos he's not shallow minded.

i called quit in our relationship on my own accord without giving him a chance to explain and making my own conclusion. i didnt give further thought of whether the actions were really called for. when he came to me for reconciling, realised my action was emotional and i apologised for my impulsiveness and we got back together. a couple of times it happens in our relationship and trust me, when gals pull the trigger they may not necesarrily mean it, but when guys pulll the trigger, they mean business. so i learn my lesson well in this man and he knows im making improvement to sort out my emotional problem. but he was there to guide me and lecture me of course.

ace, if you can see that she's making effort and you still have feelings for her, she deserves another chance to prove herself.

(from someone who was once a kid but now an adult.)

[ger_in_love]

hiya

i dont know what to tell u but i do feel that if u want her back u have to remain friends with her, i know others dont agree with this theory, it also depends on the other person if they are genuine and why the break up happened,

 

in my case "she said she wanted space" then rang me zzzz, a womens mind is a hard thing to fathom, i tried the no contact for one day , that night she phoned, i like a fool answered it, but i think i done the right thing, i says why not text me and she says shes too tired to do that, maybe she wanted to hear my voice, missed me i dont know,

 

all i can say to u from my thinking anyway is try to remain friends, maybe start anew down the road somewhere ?, cause if u have a bitter fall out it may be harder to become friends in the future

this is prolly a load of bull to all u toughies out there

read my thread "break up-she needs space"

[ace6061]

Monamacy,

The problem I have with her resentments is that she didn’t tell me that she didn’t like most of the things I was going. I understand that I do have to take some of the responsibility and I do. Some of the things I did were not right. Believe me when I tell you that I still regret some of the things I did even four years ago. I was a child and I learnt from my mistakes. I don’t know if she is capable of doing this yet. One thing I did learn is that you have to forgive and let go. You will always dislike something about the person you are with or something they did. If she can’t learn to work through the problems she has she will never be happy.

 

She has called me the last two days straight. Both days she left me a message stating that she really needs to talk to me about something. Part of me says that she is using me that she just calls when she needs emotional help. She doesn’t seem to talk to her new so-called “friend” about anything important to her. Will she stop calling completely once she can talk to him about this stuff, I don’t know. I do still care for her and I do want to help her. I called her back tonight. She didn’t answer so I left a message.

 

I don’t think that she wants to get back together with me. Well she told me that she is scared to get into a relationship right now. I think she does realize that she has got to figure things out. I am happy because I do believe that she needs some time to understand things a bit better.

 

Monamacy,

What made you realize that you had to grow up and change. Was it just time? The one thing that I am scared of is pushing her to get back together with me. If I do that then it wouldn’t last and if this is what she wants then I don’t want her back to be unhappy. I would like to talk to her about how she made what I think was a rushed decision but I feel that she should figure this out on her own. Is that not the best way? The more I talk to her about us the more I fell I am pushing. She has talked about it but it seems that she only does talk about it when I initiate the conversation.

[monamacy]

ace,

when its time for u to grow up and change, you will know. no deadlines are set. only i myself know how i want to be a better person.

im taking some time off this weekend by myself to think of what i want in this relaitonship and what i can do to make it better. becouse i have made my mistakes and my bf can only say so much to correct me, the rest of it is up to me. i have to think if its worth correcting myself for a better relationships or sit there do nothing, break up until the next one come by and make sure he can take my non-sense. if not, this cycle of breaking up will go forever. this time, im not going to run away from problems, but work through it.

so u have done the right thing in giving her time to think of what she wants. and if she manages to think through and work the problems out, good for both of u. but if she doesnt, then all she needs is time to realise by herslef one day and she'll thank you for making effort to mould her to be a better person.

good luck dear, thank God for creating a great guy like u, understanding and forgiving.

[ace6061]

Monamacy,

Thanks for that confidence boost.

She called me back that night after I left her a message. As we spoke, I made a conscious effort not to speak of our relationship. A funny thing happened, she began to speak of it. The conversation became very interesting. It started to sound like she was starting to regret some things. She also said that the conversation was a new foundation to build upon and that things could no longer get worse. We left it on a good note. We said that we would talk more. This conversation was more adult then the last. We spoke more of possibilities instead of letting feelings push us to think certain ways. I believe that one way or another she is really starting to understand some of what is going on in her head. Nothing has changed but I guess you could say the outlook may be better. I have to make sure that this doesn’t push me back into a hole again. I don’t think that will happen. I have begun to come to terms with whatever the outcome will be. I just have to make sure that I don’t just sit and wait for her to figure things out further. What do you make of this change in attitude?

[monamacy]

ace,

by you not wanting to mention abt the r'ship and she initiated the topic, it shows a sign of her interest in wanting things work out. but before you put any hope on it, pls ask her if she has found out the root cause of the break up and hence cause of action to patch things back. if u dont want to be pushed into the hole again, you would like to find out how/what she intend to do to make it work so that same mistakes wont happen again.

keep posting on your progress.

btw, after my break over the weekend, i feel rejuvenated and ready to start the relationship afresh.

good luck to both of us!

[ace6061]

Monamacy,

I forget to mention one thing! While we were talking last, some how we touched on her and her "friend". Now i couldn't get a feeling either way. I mean i don't know how much he is in the picture? She said that "if something does happen between them then at least i know he is a good guy". I told her that i don't know if he is a good guy or not. I told her that i can't say anthing about him. It is her choice if she want's to date him or not. I don't want to try and change her mind. If she does date him then i guees i will have my answer. I know that she didn't leave me for him and that means something to me. If they do end up dating then so be it. A macho friend of mine said to me that he would never take her back after she dated another guy. I kind of laughed. If we were really meant to be, then does it matter if she dates this guy or not? When i met her she wasen't a virgin. If her and this guy do date but she realizes that i am the one she truley loves does it matter? Is that not a childish way to look at things? I mean i have a date tommorow night. She is the one that would have to live with the result if i find a new someone to love because she was the one that ended it.

 

I couple that i know that have been married and happy for twenty five years had a simular start. I mean they were dating for a couple of years. He then asked her to marry him. She refused and broke up with him shorty after. She ended up leaving him for another guy. After dateing the new guy for a while she then dated another one. After about six months she and her now husband got back together. After all that, they are happy and more in love with each other every day. I'm not saying that this is what i expect to happen but you just don't know do you. I may fall head over heels for my date tommorow. YOU JUST DON'T KNOW. But isn't that what makes it so hard sometimes?

 

I am happy to her that after your miny break you are ready to tackle things again.

Starting things fresh sounds like a good thing. I am realizing that life is all about forgive and forget. I mean we are all human right. The more you are able to forgive then the more mature you are! Alot of people forgave me for alot of things through my life and that has helped me become a better person.

 

Good luck to you !

Keep posting with your progress and i will do the same.