Lipsy10 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I am Desperately Unhappy, Desperately. We've been having problems for about 2 years now. It started with him losing his job. The financial strain caused a lot of arguments. Then I find out he's spent a year (A year!!!) lying to my face. I don't want to get into why - it has nothing to do with another woman but it is a big betrayal. I don't feel close to him anymore, I don't trust him anymore, our sex life is none existant (both to blame). I just want to get back to where we were but I'm soooo sad I don't know how long I can go on feeling this way. I've told him how I feel but its in one ear and out the other. He's the type to bury his head in the sand. When we talk about our problems its usually just me talking. I always ask him how he feels but all I get is shrugs and half answers....... I'm sick of it!!!! I can't fix this relationship by myself! And frankly I resent being the only one trying since he is the one who destroyed us. Why isn't he trying more!?! I want to ask him to move out. I think we will appreciate each other more and make more of an effort with each other if we don't live in each others pockets. But I don't want to push him away. We have children so I don't want to just give up but its dragging on now and nothings getting better. Need advice..... Link to post Share on other sites
tryingtocurerj Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 ouch. I'd say leave him but you have kids involved. Try counseling, if it doesn't work. Then it looks like end the relationship and salvage your happiness in hopes of a more promising one Link to post Share on other sites
Baroness67 Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 It sounds like he is under a ton of pressure. My experience was that just when I felt that it was my "job" to help my husband "feel better" and "fix the relationship", it was exactly the wrong thing to do. It is hard, as women we are taught to want to fix things ... however, men sometimes need nothing but some good distance in order to sort things out for themselves. You can't do it for them. It's very difficult because doing nothing is contrary to a woman's instincts. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, to emotionally detach myself and let my husband find his own way. After the marriage hit rock bottom, I had some very empty months wondering if the marriage was going to survive at all. At first it survived only in form as we did the day to day, but largely I treated him like a polite houseguest. I was very afraid that this would emotionally push him away, but finally I had to realize that it was my continuing to saddle him with my emotions about him that was pushing him away. He had the weight of the world on his shoulders for his own reasons, without adding to that the burden of being responsible for my happiness. You have kids, so I would not leave him. Particularly if you still care for him. However, give yourself a gift and start to try to detach emotionally if you can. You might not be able to change your partner, but you can change how much you let his confusion and burdens affect you. I remember wondering, how on earth do you fall out of love with someone? I did it by finally convincing myself that the person I fell in love with was not the same person he was today. That worked for me. And gradually as my emotions became less of a burden (both to him and to myself!), things slowly got better. I would say the turning point was last summer, and things have slowly gotten better ever since. Your husband sounds like he needs this distance - particularly when you say he likes to bury his head in the sand. The more you talk, the further he will move away. Let him detach and sort things out for himself - and give yourself some distance, too. It's hard to realize when you are equally responsible for your own unhappiness by continuing to remain attached to the dynamic that keeps you that way. I hope some of this makes sense. Just trying to tell you I felt exactly where you were last year - had also had problems for nearly 2 years - this was the only thing that both helped me get better emotionally AND seems to have put the marriage back on track. Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 It started with him losing his job. The financial strain caused a lot of arguments. .. This is just about the worst thing that can happen to a man, his self esteem probably hit rock bottom. It's quite possible all he is hearing from you is nagging (whether it is or it isn't). As for the sex thing, you probably see him like a child, and he probably see's you like his mother. Get some good MC.... Link to post Share on other sites
C.J. Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 MC seems like the best bet at this point... also, (if possible) try to schedule a weekend, day, night, or even an afternoon where you two can be alone (no kiddos) and have a romantic/fun time together. During this time make it a rule that you can't talk about work, money, stress, or any other marriage issues. Get to know each other again. And start stroking his ego a little bit, he's hurt because he feels like a failed husband and father. He may need a little pick-me-up just like you. Trust me, a little bit of "Honey, I really like it when you....". Good luck with everything <3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lipsy10 Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 Thanks for the replys. Baroness67 it sounds like you know what I'm talking about, it s nice to know I'm not alone and I will take your advice. I think after so many years together we've become like one person. Its like I equate my happiness with his. Maybe its time to distance myself and get my life back. Make my own happiness, get a life of my own. Maybe then his problems wont stress me out so much. Robf1971 and C.J you also make good points and I will take this on board..... What does MC mean??? Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 What does MC mean??? Marriage counselling.. Link to post Share on other sites
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