So hurt I don't even know what to say...

[Stupid Girl]

I apologize in advance for this post, because it's going to be very emotional and probably really long too. But I've been reading this forum and everybody here is really knowledgeable and helpful and I really feel like I need help now.

 

I've been with my partner almost 5 years, living together for about half that time. We got engaged about a year ago. We're both in our 20s, but not really "young". We've had serious relationships and breakups before, but not like what we have now, obviously. We were planning to get married by the end of this year.

 

Where do I begin? I guess I'll start with 2 days ago (Tuesday). We got into a really big fight, and while I won't say either of us was right or wrong, he ended up being very violent (breaking stuff, making movements as though he was going to hit me, etc.), so I felt like I was the victim. He's not a very violent person at all, but he has had violent tendencies in the past, and he promised he would never act that way toward me again. Well, he did. So I went to work the next morning feeling awful because nothing was resolved, and expected to come home to an empty house because he didn't care to resolve it. To my surprise, he was there waiting for me, looking very sad and forlorn, feeling very guilty over how he'd acted. We talked and I told him I could forgive him, but he needed to take anger management courses. He agreed and said he would look them up tomorrow (which was today). So I was hopeful, but still cautious. I warned him that I may be hard to get along with until this blows over, so I asked him to be patient with me. He agreed to.

 

So today, I was very difficult with him in the morning. He made me breakfast, I refused to eat it. He made me lunch, I refused to take it. Some people feel refreshed in the morning; I do not. Waking up just brought back all the terrible thoughts and feelings I had from the last 2 days. I can look back on this now and know that I was wrong for acting that way...but at the same time, he had told me he understood how I felt and why, and promised to be patient with my behavior. AS I was leaving for work he said "I love you" and I said something along the lines of "Yeah, right".. I know, inappropriate, but I was still feeling very hurt over how he acted (and I expressed that to him openly). Well, I spent the day at work thinking about how to resolve my bad feeling with him, so I was looking forward to seeing him when I got home. I thought we could work things out then go out for some drinks later with friends for St. Patty's. Well, I get home, and he's not there. I call his phone, and he doesn't pick up. I'm confused because he wasn't mad at me in the morning, he actually was acting patient. I didn't understand at all.

 

So I try to get my mind off it by going on the computer to check my email. I go to gmail, but I see an account is already logged in. It's his account. But what, that's not his email address??? It was newly created, had only one email in the box...a registration confirmation from a "webcamming singles" site. I was in shock. This man, who I have been with almost 5 years, who claims to be crazily in love with me, who tells me he would NEVER EVER cheat on ANYBODY (nevermind me, the love of his life), is trying to cheat on me...or actually cheating.

 

I'm so unbelievably hurt. When times have gotten tough, the thought of joining a dating website, for easy male attention, did cross my mind. But I said to myself, I couldn't live with myself with that dishonesty hanging over me. I am not a cheater and never will be. He drove it into me that he was the same. Now I just feel like our whole relationship is a lie.

 

I texted and called him a bunch of times in a row, saying I really needed to talk to him, it was an emergency, etc. He finally answered my call. He was at his friend's house, going out for St. Patty's, and he doesn't want to see me. (I'd also like to mention this is the same friend who he's seen MAYBE 3 times in the past year. The 2nd last time he saw this guy, they guy left the party without him when he was supposed to take him home, so he ended up walking home. Some friend, right? But I guess that's better than me...) I was just crying and crying, I told him he left his new gmail logged in, and he completely pretended not to know what I was talking about. He was so convincing, I almost believed him for a second, like maybe it was just spam or something? But then I reminded myself, the email stated his regular online username - how would a spam bot know that? (Hell, why would a spam bot sign him up for a singles site?) I asked when he would be home, and his answer was "Whenever I want." I was so hurt, and asked why he was being so terrible to me, and be basically drudged up every bad thing I ever did to him and held it all against me right then and there. All I could say was "I'm so sorry you were holding all that bitterness for me inside, but I really need to talk to you about this, it's really affecting our relationship" (probably not those exact words, but something to that effect). He said no, he doesn't want to talk to me now, he wants to go out and have fun and when he feels like it he'll come home and talk to me.

 

And so, my loveshack friends, I'm sitting here on St. Patrick's Day crying my eyes out in front of a computer. After 5 years that I thought were near perfect, these last 3 days seemed to have come out of left field.

 

1. Am I overreacting?

2. What should I do?

 

Please tell me everything I need to hear. Be as harsh as is necessary.

[cherrylips]

Hi,

 

I just registered on here, I've been a long time lurker on LS , but your story kind of struck a cord. I've been with my now husband for almost 4 years, married for 1 1/2. About a year after we had started dating, and living together for a couple months I came home and found my laptop open to porn and my hubby's Facebook account. Of couse I snooped (not saying it was right, but can't undo it), and found several messages to different women. A few of them were to one woman, asking her to come to our place for sex,with some very graphic descriptions of what he would do to her if she did. She had declined, but needless to say I was pissed.

 

I called him at work and went up one side of him and down the other, threatening to leave and called him every name in the book I could possibly think of. I was so mad. I had even gone and changed his status on FB to say he was a worthless cheater. These aren't things I'm proud of, in fact its one of those times that if I had a time machine I would do it over. We were in a fairly new relationship and had just started living together, and it was the most threatening thing to think that our new relationship was based on mistrust. It didn't help that I didn't react in a less controlling, and demeaning way by embarassing him in front of his friends and family.

 

Like I said, if I could do it agin, I would. Which is where you are at now. I think you should step back, and not call your boyfriend tonight. Let him be out with his friends. He sounds angry, and it appears that he feels like you are manipulating his feelings. I know you said that you would be angry at him for some time, but if there was one way to have him lash out at you is to basicially say that my feelings, my anger at you is valid, but you can't express your anger because it is too extreme. In no way should he be raising his fist at you, but he did say that he is willing to learn how to cope with his anger through councilling. Its not fair though for you to attack him though, through passsive aggressive behaviour. If someone tells you they love you, and you treat it like they are making it up, that is an extremely hurtful thing to do. I can see why this would have made him angry.

 

 

Right now though, I think the best thing is to back away, and not try to "fix" the relationship. Not when you're both still angry. Again, take a step back. If you try to rush in and fix things, he's going to feel like he's being manipulated into feeling a certain way, and probably not feel like you're validating his right to feel angry. People can be angry, its healthy.

 

I think, from the sounds of it, that he just created this account on the singles site right after your fight. It sounds like he may have left it open purposely for you to see it. I'm not saying that as a fact, but it seems fishy. And that he is out and adamant about doing "Whatever I want" sounds like he's playing some sort of a power game. Don't fall for it.

 

This is what I would suggest for tonight, is to call up a friend or relative, or if there is no one available right now, go out for coffee, go watch a movie, go shopping...whatever. Just get out of your apartment, the place that you share. Don't call him, that will only draw you into a fight with him, that will do more harm than good. Chances are, he's going to just be miserable tonight, because thats what he intended to do, go out and be mad and drink himself into a miserable stupor of his own creation. And when he get over the anger (and hopefully a wicked hangover), he'll be ready to talk.

 

If you two have been together for this long, and he's just pulling this stuff now it sounds completely out of character. That why I say he's doing it out of spite, and you should not be baited. Men HATE HATE HATE feeling like they are being manipulated, and they don't want to have their noses rubbed in their mess when they do wrong. Work on things after you're in a better place. Right now though, just take care of yourself, go find something to distract yourself outside of it.

 

There's nothing that hurts worse than thinking the trust is gone out of a relationship, but you can and will likely work through it. Just don't make it worse than it is by clinging to him when he's angry, it will make it worse. Wait it out.

 

I wish you well.

[whichwayisup]

I think this is going to be toxic relationship, it wasn't before but now it is. He has anger issues that could lead to hitting you one day and you are stubborn and passive (him making effort the next day and you shutting him out by refusing breakfast, refusing the made lunch and also muttering yeah right under your breath when he told you he loved you) and you two are going to feed off one another and things will continue to get worse.

 

The cheating thing and the way he's treating you now, taken off and not coming home, fluffing you off, ignoring you is so wrong and if I were in your shoes and treated this way I would end it immediately and move out.

 

He needs counselling , as do you. Both of you could have worked through this but now after reading further, I changed my mind. Again, this IS a toxic relationship and it's only going to get worse.

 

Sorry you're hurting but get away from this guy. You two will cause one another ALOT of pain and heartache. Love is supposed to bring out the best in people and it isn't in your relationship.

[worldover98]

Hey "Stupid Girl":

 

You're not so stupid, simply pissed at your man acting in such a rage. Question? How has the love life between you been prior to this? Maybe he was getting cold feet about marriage and tired of the relationship. Like some said of the posting about my wife, this guy may still love you but he may not be in love with you anymore.

 

I agree with "whichwayisup" that this guy has had one too many violent streaks. And like "cherrylips' says( wow, that name conjures up many tasty things!), go do your thing without him. Go spend the week and weekend at a girlfriends. You both will have time to air out, then make arrangements to split up. Don't back down, otherwise it's another sign of his control over you. You gotta be strong about it. And who knows, maybe you two will be apart for a few months and after dating other people, and you both might wind up together again: provided he's been thru counseling and can prove it!

 

STAY STRONG, GAL