57 and Devasted After Being Served

[abester]

I'm 57 and my wife 46, we've been together 12 years. We have had a love that we both knew was deep, always that confidence gave us warmth, friends would comment "isn't it nice to a couple in love".

For several years low "T" or something began causing me sexual frustration, Viagra and others didn't seem to much help. Although I didn't address the problem seriously, my wife with an appetite for sex was still very tolerant.

Three and a half years ago, a better job sent me 85 miles from home, and after 2 months of driving my wife and I agreed to get an apartment for me to live in and her to come on weekends. After 6 months she loved it so much she moved in and was going to leave two 20ish children at home.

We were taking on far more than we reaized, quickly became behind on everything, then buried our heads thinking it would go away.

While neither of us blamed the other we both carried the stress at all times, we'd occassionally bicker over how much the other spent. The laughter and fun we'd always had together began to lessen and finally disappear.

In October of 2010 we both had our pay garnished, In early Jan wife told we had an appointment with a bankruptcy attorney, she then said "after that we're done", we intended to live together untill her dad had a house ready in spring.I was caught off gaurd and devastated.

A few days later I sent an email trying to be upbeat and uncharacteristicly for me "frisky", I was really trying to hard, my wife who isn't at all bothered by such talk, but was outraged by another thing I wrote without giving thought.

So all together at Xmas married but unaware, Jan 15 I hear of Divorce and I blow it and I come home from work on Jan 23rd she and all clothes are gone. She is a strong and determined woman and when she decides anything lets her mind lead the way and does all possible to leave the Heart out of it. We have very little talk, then it's strictly business. She will respond to some emails, most go unanswered. She said one time she was protecting herself from falling into the same trap.

I was served with the papers on Mon., since she left I have been overwhelmed with grief which seems so intense it could kill you, while dealing with trying to survive with less income and way to much bills.

I've started on anti depressant and just finished group therapy which was 3 hours 3 times a week. I can't though it seems make progress with this overpowering grief. At any time of day or night I wake up with the gripping thought that the woman I love more than anything may never be seen bt me again. I feel worthless, and little savings a decent job but I can find no ray of hope of happiness in the future. The mere mention of her name can cause a breakdown in me, several times at work.

 

I'm sorry for the length

I would appreciate any thoughts

I'm half dead in Indiana

 

One

[worldgonewrong]

I know the feeling, brother. And I feel for you.

But you have to carry on.

[willowthewisp]

She bailed on you when the going got tough financially, one day you will see she is not that great because of this.

 

Until that day comes and it will, take care of yourself, treat yourself well and be kind to yourself. You are not worthless, she is for bailing on you because you took some hits financially, another "ME ME ME ME ME" person, truely she isn't worth your tears.

[WorldIsYours]

She bailed on you when the going got tough financially, one day you will see she is not that great because of this.

 

Until that day comes and it will, take care of yourself, treat yourself well and be kind to yourself. You are not worthless, she is for bailing on you because you took some hits financially, another "ME ME ME ME ME" person, truely she isn't worth your tears.

 

Yup. She's cheating.

 

I second Willow's advice. This woman is nothing.

[Steadfast]

I might be a bit too soon to hear your wife is no good, that you deserve better or that she's involved with someone else. Even though that may be the case. For now, it's best to have a plan of action. This allows you to focus on matters of importance, gives your mind something (else) to work on and allows some time for perspective. You need that. Everyone in your situation does.

 

For you: Address the financial matters with a sensible repayment plan. Explain to creditors where your at and budget to what you earn. This may entail some lifestyle changes (roommates, etc) but change can actually bring some mental relief. If you're not ready for this and enjoy the solace of your home, budget to stay there. Basically, reduce the dollar-related stress and put yourself where you are most comfortable.

 

For her: Give her what she's asking for; her freedom. At the same time, present all financial matters that concern her and demand a fair agreement. Keep it all business and allow her to 'taste' her new life without your influence, help or guidance. Her reaction may surprise you. Above all, keep it respectful and calm. Rise above.

 

I know it's hard when you love someone, but right now you need to love yourself. Be kind to you. You aren't perfect but no spouse is. If perfection were a requirement for success in marriage, then everyone would be divorced. And the age? 57 is not old. You have many years left. No bellyaching! Be thankful, dismiss dread.

 

As for the relationship, don't bring it up again. She knows you love her. Your best chance to regain her favor is to give her exactly what she's asking for. Don't control, don't manipulate, don't lash out. Calm, cool and confident is desirable. If she responds to this attitude, then you can decide on the relationship. Remember, it is as much your decision as it is hers.

 

You're not alone.

 

The sooner you ditch the meds, the better. Work out, eat right and get your rest. I prayed for my ex every night before sleeping and was rewarded with a peace I can't describe. I changed my mindset, let it go and everything else followed.

 

Get well, stay well and keep posting-