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[fleurt]

Hello.

 

Just want to introduce myself. I'm a 39-year-old woman who's been living in Barcelona with my three kids and husband for nearly two years. The sun is shining outside, blue sky, lovely view - I just can't appreciate it though. To look at me on the street, you'd never think I feel so lonely and empty. I go to classes here (not working at the moment - bit lost career-wise and want to think about what I'm going to do next), I chat and have coffee or lunch with people -I'm no wallflower. I just feel that I haven't found my niche here or anywhere really. I am craving connections with people. There are lots of good people in my life, but I just feel I don't belong in any particular group, I don't fit in somehow.

 

I don't feel as if I have three children. I look at other women at the school gates and they all seem to click with each other, they are happy in their motherly roles ( I love my kids and wanted them, I hasten to add). They invite me out sometimes, I could invite them out too, but sth stops me.

 

The neighbourhood in which I live is rather sterile and 'pijo' as they say here - 'posh'/'snobby'. I feel like an imposter here too - I'm a working class girl made good!

 

Was in another country for six years prior to here. The first two/three years were hard there, but during the rest, I felt I bonded with people, had fun, had strong connections and people to call up at a moment's notice. When I left, they all cried. They held a dozen leaving parties for me. I was sad to be leaving them and somehow touched that they wrote in the first few missives and text messages after I'd left, how much they missed me.

 

Contact now is practically non-existent with some of the women that I thought I was closest to. It's a really painful feeling. They used to throw me a big party for my birthday. We all did for each other. Last year, my day came and went - just one person wished me HB.

 

I sent New Year's greetings to about seven of them this year. One reply back. I know people leave places, they get forgotten over time. Just feel I was naive in believing these women were 'true' friends. Connected with them though. They liked me, confided in me. I was at the centre of sth. I occasionally hear that they are all going to so and so's party, or this event, or out as couples. I know it sounds pathetic and that I probably wldn't want to be doing what they're doing ( I didn't when I lived there sometimes! ), but I feel envious. I guess hearing all this just compounds my loneliness...

 

Laughing hard, banter - that's what I miss. Here I see couples out with other couples, I see groups of people out and about just having fun in each other's company. In Catalunya, many friendships that people have are from schooldays. That makes me feel so inadequate too. I have one friend from school, but we keep in touch sporadically, even though we do like each other.

 

I just don't know. My died died two years ago today. Naturally I miss him. Also, last July, a man with whom I was involved with on many levels, just stopped contacting me. I'd known him for years, we were good friends, lovers - I loved him like I'd never loved anyone and he said the same abt me too. I felt I'd come home when I was with him. We spoke all the time and saw each other when we could. He got ill though and his mother too. Everything became rather awkward and after two years of speaking everyday and opening our hearts to each other, he just disappeared. I know he didn't die or anything. I didn't pursue him, but the pain was unbearable. Hurts me now.

 

I don't have a bad marriage. My husband is handsome and decent - a really great person. We are both comfortable with each other and life is peaceful at home, despite the fact I had to reveal one of the reasons for my sadness. I wanted to keep it to myself, it was my pain, a problem caused by me, not him...I couldn't in the end though.

 

I don't really know why I've revealed any of this to you people out there. Sorry if this sounds like 'woe-is-me. I am trying to appreciate all the positive stuff in my life but I'm finding it rather hard some days. You would never be aware though. All the inadequacy, the loneliness, this feeling of not having my own circle is locked away in my heart. If the doorbell rang now, I'd smile and be pleasant and funny. I just feel lonely and like I don't belong though, most of the time. All the people I could turn to have just evaporated these past two years. I'm not saying I don't have friends, just I want that connection!

 

Thanks for reading. Like I said, really not sure why I've posted my feelings here.

 

Fleurt

Edited March 18, 2011 by fleurt

[fleurt]

Oh yes, my husband is very solid and very happy with his own company. Doesn't feel the need to connect with others like I do. He works hard and speaks to a million people a day, that's why he's happy being at home with his kids or with his head in a book. He has too much communication!

[Macaw]

It appears that you have a lot of voids in your life, probably more than you can handle with just pep talk. You might even be looking at your past with rose-tinted glasses, specially the events a little bit prior to the 2 year mark where you lost your father and then a few months later your lover, and just haven't found the motivation to make new connections with people since then.

 

I'm 25 now, but almost 15 years ago when my mother was at your age she needed therapy to get through a hard time, and it did her great. You might want to consider that option, as you clearly have a lot to take out from your chest and talking about some things to your husband would only be painful to him.

 

A lot of people reach a point in their lives where it "stalls" and they believe their prime is already past them - many become depressed and need professional help to get through these times. It's surprisingly even more common than wearing glasses those days - trust me on this one.

 

About your kids... every family is different. I didn't have a good connection with my parents until I got into high school. I used to be a "don't touch me, the other kids will call me a momma's boy" kid myself, but eventually I grew out of that phase, yours will too.