CPS won't do anything about abusive father!

[Mauschen]

All,

 

I have 2 children with my ex-husband. They are 5 and 7 years old.

 

During my marriage, my ex was very verbally/emotionally abusive and also physically abusive.

 

Now he is abusing the kids and Child Protective Services say they won't do anything about it until one of the kids gets injured. He hits them in the head with his hands and also with objects (last one my son mentioned was a car ice scraper), he kicks them, and calls them names like "stupid" "baby" and "idiot." So far, he has not left any marks on my children, so CPS can't take action. But I am worried about him hitting too hard and causing a brain injury and also I am terrified that my children will be emotionally damaged because of his actions. He has the kids 3 nights a week.

 

If anyone has been in a situation like this, what have you done to help your children?

 

Thank you.

[sally4sara]

Can your seven year old comprehend a cell phone yet?

 

Where do you have to be on the three days they are with him?

 

Do they go to a daycare or other trustworthy family member on any of the three days he has them?

 

Any injury that could cause physical brain damage will be detectable to a nurse or doctor. If he is targeting covered areas, check them over when they get in their PJs and keep a journal. But this isn't just about a physical injury; lots of damage that can't be seen with the eye.

Is this behavior new for their father? Do the boys tell you what happens or was it this way when you were with him so you figure its still going on? Any injury incidents then?

If he has always been this way, how did he get unsupervised visits?

[applefruit]

first of all cps hires idiots to work for them that cant tell the difference between an abused minor and a rocking chair.Complete idiots who are undertrained and are bad at their jobs.Some of them dont even like children.

 

Thats why you have stories of dead children being found by the police 2 months after the 7th cps report against the mother was closed and the child was left in the home.

 

Also you do need to know that many ex wives make up or exagerate stories of abuse of their kids. they want custody or to get even with their former spouse so they lie.I have a relative that made up a completely ridiculous story against her ex husband and it ruined their childs life.

 

So you need to be careful that you are telling the truth and not getting even at their dad.not saying you are but theres insane mothers out there

 

Can you get a nanny or spy cam to give to one of the kids to secretly catch him on tape hitting them or name calling?

 

Teach the older kid what to do and how to hide the thing from their dad.

[nittygritty]

Tell your lawyer what is going on.

[betterdeal]

Maybe contact these guys: http://www.preventchildabuse.org/index.shtml

[Mauschen]

Thank you all for your responses.

 

He has always been abusive, but it has gotten worse lately with my youngest child. His school has documented what he has told his teacher and the school therapist. The therapist also called CPS on my ex, but they told her the same thing they told me - if there are no marks, then it is not reportable.

 

On the days they are with him they attend school and then go to his house after school/overnight. He has unsupervised visitation because he has never left any marks and, therefore, hasn't ever been reported to CPS.

[Tayla]

As suggested:

1: Document and if the kids are of age to be beleived, have them write down what they experienced.

2: Contact a lawyer. Supervised visits can be recommended if you go back to court and have primary custody.

3: Contact a Doctor for a complete physical of the children.

4: Contact a Family Therepist as there are many funded thru the United Way and can eleviate your concerns by giving them a safe environment to discuss the fathers inappropriate actions.

 

As a parent you have a duty to confront him in a safe environment with a strict objective to work thru this poor behavior. Have a witness along for protection and objectivity if things get less then pleasant.

 

Most CPS personnel are overworked and held to state precedences of what qualifies and what doesnt. I sincerely beleive that mental abuse and emotional abuse is far and wide yet its rarely recognized or accepted by the state regulators ....The irony is we have Bully laws setup in schools yet because folks live under the false pretense of " You dont have the right to tell me how to parent my child" ...the state wont step in when a parent is slapping or smacking a child around at home or in public. Most folks here when asked say there is nothing wrong with physical *cough"...*choke*...Ummm smacking to get a childs attention. GO Figure . These are the same folks that when they approach the state to have another parent stopped the state says...but you dont want us to interfere in your parenting style....Sometimes we set the precedence.....and not for the good of the child.

Edited March 21, 2011 by Tayla

[Mauschen]

Thank you for the response Tayla,

 

I started taking the kids to a therapist so they can talk about their father's behavior, and I have contacted a lawyer.

 

The kids are only 6 and 8 now so I am not sure if they would ever be interviewed in court. But I did get them a therapist as I mentioned above.

 

I am somewhat worried that moving forward with legal action (i.e. request for less parenting time for their dad) will make things worse for the kids rather than better. He is likely to blame them for "betraying" him and treat them worse than he already does.

 

Of course, the kids are confused because of having to deal with a father who hugs and kisses them, tells them he loves them, and then turns around to hit and kick them. I grew up with loving parents who never laid a hand on me, so I really can't understand what they must be going through.

[Irishlove]

All you have to do is talk to a counselor at school and they will get CPS involved right away. But....if you live with this guy they will take them from you as well. Make sure you live apart from him.

[Mauschen]

Thank you for your response.

 

The school has already called CPS, and CPS said the hitting and kicking (and emotional "abuse") is not reportable because marks need to be left for 24+ hours on the children in order to be reportable.

 

And, no I do not live with their father.

[Rose1977]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

I was a social worker for the Deaprtment of Human Services in a large city and quit after becoming frustrated at how difficult it was to remove children from their homes in cases of clear cut abuse and neglect. I remember once calling the police because I found 3 children under the age of 7 home alone filthy and hungry and the police told me they were not alone because I was there!

 

You have been given very good advice in this thread. Document, document, document. Take pictures. Tell the children that if they are hit they are to call the police IMMEDIATELY and reassure them that you will never get angry at them for calling the police. Tell them that if they become that afraid, they are to run to a neighbor's house and call the police. Police take that kind of stuff very seriously BECAUSE of the number of children who have been seriously injured or worse because of neglect and abuse that went unpunished.

 

DHS is always going to try to rehabilitate the parent. That was actually my job - to go into homes where documented abuse had occured and try to "fix" mom or (rarely) dad. Jurisdictions vary, but you need to keep reporting to DHS (CPS or whatever it is called where you live) EVERY TIME. They have to come out and investigate each report by law. Stay in close touch with the school counselor and make sure the children know that the counselor is someone to be trusted and they will NEVER be in trouble for telling the counselor the truth.

 

Sad, but many of the children I had on my caseload were so terrified of the parent they wouldn't tell b/c of fear of being alone with that parent again. Contact an attorney. Consider going back to court to ask for supervised visits. To get supervised visits, you are going to have to have EVERYTHING documented. Write down in detail what the child did to be "punished" for, when and where thy were hit and with what object, etc...

 

The system is slow, but stick with it and you can accomplish something. PM me if you have any questions, I will do everything I can to help.

[Mauschen]

Dear Rose1977,

 

Thank you for your response. I am so frustrated that CPS won't take reports because there are no marks on the children. I have documented everything. The kids have discussed the abuse and neglect with the school counselor, our family doctor, and their therapist. I am not sure if that is enough documentation to move forward with legal action, but I hope so. My son is already acting inappropriately due to influence from his father (i.e. spanking girls on the butt, pulling down his pants in public, and hitting me when he is upset). He has also regressed in toilet training.

 

My daughter is already scared and guilt-ridden about speaking out against her father. He guilt trips her, "how could you ever say such a thing about your own dad?" etc. She feels as if she is betraying him because, of course, she loves him.

 

My biggest fear is to move forward with legal action, have the judge rule that things should remain as they are (custody is currently with me 4 days and him 3 days per week), and then have to deal with an even bigger mess from the fallout of having "ratted out" my ex. My ex becomes especially nasty when people criticize him or call him out on anything wrong he's done. His mother recently made a comment about his inability to properly parent his children, and in retaliation he wouldn't allow her to see the kids for 3 months. I know I need to move forward to protect my children, but I am also very afraid to do so.

 

Another issue with my ex is alcohol and drug use. But I have heard that if you claim a parent is using drugs and then they come up clean on a test, that you may be held accountable for lying. He binge drinks and he also sporadically uses drugs - but since it is sporadically (2-3 times per month), there is no guarantee a test will come up positive, so I am worried about bringing this issue up in court too.

 

Thank you again for your time and advice.