I'm stupid for breaking NC

[fresh8]

After the past month, I think that I have gotten to the point where I agree with her that moving forward is the best option for all parties involved. We all want a fairytale ending but sometimes there are just too many, as you put it, stone walls in the way.

 

I certainly want to be friends with her in the long run. I know that for that to happen, we both need to be romantically detached. We both need the time and the space to get there. For people who may read this post/thread, I think I need to make it clear that what I really want is her. Unfortunately, I cannot have what I want and this is me trying to be as rational as I can be about the whole situation.

 

Yes, we rarely fought. The only times we did was over this family issue. I quote her after one of the worst nights when we dragged it all out to analyze, 'I love you and everything we have is perfect except for this. 99% of our relationship is perfect and you make me happier than anyone has ever made me in my whole life.' I told her that I was so scared to lose her and it was the first time I had cried in front of her. She had never seen that side of me. And it was then I told her that there could be a way for us to stay together but at the time, I had no real solution. The biggest problem is that we never continued the dialogue and preferred to 'try and forget that these problems existed'. I think that led to the breakup in the week she was back home.

 

There were other times we did fight and it'd be due to her being jealous/worried about other girls. I can't blame her as she's only 19 and still very young.

 

If we are to be friends in future, I'd definitely tell her I don't want to hide our friendship and would try and make amends with her brother. It's not to be friends with him but only to say 'hey, I want to hang out with your sister and I respect you so that's why I'm talking to you.' Our relationship was not normal because it was not open - I can understand how she suffocated under all that pressure.

 

For now though, I do still believe I've done everything I can. I could tell her I miss her and still love her but I just think perhaps that is a bit too much. I will give her space for now and maybe reach out in a few months time as she asked for when we first broke up.

 

Given the events of the past 3 years, I'm sure our paths will cross again. And as everyone here has stated, I just need to live life with or without her.

 

Thanks a lot IfiKnewThen. I hope that the read was interesting.

Edited March 23, 2011 by fresh8

[IfiKnewThen]

wow fresh8, i wish i had something more positive to add. you sound like such a nice person and very intelligent. all i can do, is reiterate that i think it IS a very good idea to communicate with her brother and as you said, as a way of "respect" and to bridge this very big gap. plant a seed their so to speak.

 

i would probably think about writing her a note sometime asking her to make sure she understands, that you care very deeply and didn't want this relationship to end, but that you respect her wishes and that should she change her mind and want to work on an open relationship with you ,you will do everything you can to meet and talk to her parents.

 

or just say you love her. that really says it all.

 

the rest is up to her. maybe send the her and her family a card during the holidays , etc. if you come out in the light, maybe God willing they will see you in another light.

 

i know you want to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally top be without her and its hard to do that AND plant some seeds to be with her someday.

 

you might want to try that and then if you dont see a bud blooming in any one direction....go full force preparing yourself for a different life. i always say..."dont live wait to live, live while you wait". if that doesnt work.....just dont wait. live.

[IfiKnewThen]

sorry for all the typos

[boosh]

After the past month, I think that I have gotten to the point where I agree with her that moving forward is the best option for all parties involved. We all want a fairytale ending but sometimes there are just too many, as you put it, stone walls in the way.

 

This is extremely mature, and hard for a lot of people to accept as truth. Even so, it's even harder to act upon it. Congratulate yourself for being strong enough to do so.

 

Just keep it up and the cards will eventually fall in your direction, and when they do, it'll be great.

[fresh8]

Firstly, thanks to boosh... I'm tyring really hard to accept that it is over. If I even think for a second that I have a shot, I would not be able to move on. It's tough though as I often let her slip into my mind and I miss her a lot. I also get scared when I think of a future without her.

 

Secondly, thanks again for your help IfiKnewThen. You definitely got me thinking, which is a good thing! And no... I am not that intelligent nor nice. If I was, I would not be in this position!

 

I am really excited about my new job next week but at same time sad that I can't share this new experience with her. She was my best friend and I told her everyday that we have known each other that I really wanted this job. It hurts a bit that I can't call and tell her how my first day was and how my first case went and everything that will happen on the job.

[IfiKnewThen]

thats the worst part. when we lose our best friends

[fresh8]

thats the worst part. when we lose our best friends

 

Agreed.

 

It's only been 4 days since we last texted but it feels like an eternity.

 

Tonight brought back memories of her. I also work in retail and we were launching the iPad 2. Our store did not have enough stock so my boss sent me on a 1 hour drive down the coast to another store. We spent lots of day trips and spent her birthday and New Years down there. So as I drove up and down the coast, I could not help but think of her. What's worse is the place I picked the stock up from is where we'd go shopping whenever we were down there.

 

I can't stop thinking about her tonight now and the worst part is thinking about what she is doing. And I feel like I can't breathe when I think of her with someone else having dinner or going out to meet other guys. Ah, I haven't missed her this much since Monday. It sucks!

[IfiKnewThen]

yeah that is the worst part when things are severed. ...memory lane.

 

since we cant avoid all memories and the feelings that go along with them....you can try to walk along the old trail with new memories.

 

let's say you walked on a path with with your grandfather and shes gone now. i mean nothing will take the place of that. but lets say you went down that path with your little niece and showed her all the flowers and trees and picked up sticks together.....you can remember that when you pass by the path. that may seem like an awful example, but we can create new memories that overlap the old to get by and retrain the brain. i think this can help and then force yourself to think of the good things in your current life.

 

i am not saying take a 2 hour trip with someone in a place you guys went to. but maybe do something like that in your immediate environment for those of you who have memories all around you. anyway we all go through that feeling of remembering and longing. we just have to make peace with it somehow...in our own way.

[IfiKnewThen]

let's say you walked on a path with with your grandfather and shes gone now.

 

hehe i meant hes,....he's gone now

 

[fresh8]

Yeah, I will need to do that a lot because I keep getting constant reminders of us!

 

I've realized that I really hate Fridays and weekends as those were the days we used to spend together non-stop. I really need to get out of this funk. Well, at least I'm up to 5 days NC.

[fresh8]

How do you stop thinking of someone? I really want to concentrate on my uni work but whenever I sit down, I just feel really upset

[IfiKnewThen]

watch shows where people were worse off (like maury)

and on a more serious note , japan and the rest of the world fighting for democracy and freedom. in the bible it says associate with the lowly. and there must be something to that to not only humble us (we are humbled enough already) but to help us keep perspective, help others, and connect with those we can relate to, like here on LS.

 

then stay far away from love stories, songs you shared (for now)

 

when you go to places you have been to ...bring a friend a long...and have a good time and like i said before, create a new memory there and then when you pass that place, think of THAT memory not yours and the ex.

 

cry when you have to to release that watershed of frustration and grief.

 

create times to "talk" about it and then vow...ok i spent a few hours talking about that today....now this is the other me time where i talk about something else or do something else.

 

eat foods that are good for you and that you love.

 

pray to God, ask for guidance and healing and yes, even merciful relief from thinking about anything that plagues you. trust he will grace you with comfort

 

live one day at a time and dont ask about the future. live in the here and now and dont worry.

 

if you do think on the future, do it to plan a better one for yourself, by starting with planting seeds today for a better tomorrow. feed good things in your mind and heart. say good positive messages to yourself and do small manageable things to construct a better today and tomorrow.

 

hug all of those we have and love us. associate with supportive people, who truly understand.

 

watch funny movies. watch comfortable action/suspense to get your thoughts focused on something else even for a few hours, and as a stress build up/reliever.

 

play a sport. even ping pong. doesn't have to be that physical.

 

listen to soothing zen kind of music. get good sleep.

 

buy a new fragrance to wear and think of it as your "success fragrance' . meaning when you put it on, your trigger a the thought of you being successful, away from this deteriorated situation and moving forward in your life.

 

snap yourself back into an old good memory of childhood with the scent of a meal you loved in your home.

 

keep telling yourself others have been thru this and survived , thrived and learned to love or be happy again.

 

and remember that if you practice this new way of life..eventually in time those former thoughts will become less and less. also, you have to convince yourself they are out of your life for good. that for some reason even unbeknown to you this is good for you are better off for it.

 

when your mind wonders...put something very interesting on.

 

i heard that a routine is also good for you. your life as you once knew it chanced. but there are still things that remain that can be a constant. use a routine everyday to see that consistency. then break up the routine with a mini tip or go see an old friend. venture into a new neighborhood. do something positive.

 

stay off alcohol and drugs. buy new clothes that you didnt wear when with them. and when you wear something that reminds you. put a new good memory on with those same clothes. do something special or fun ..just have a nice day.

 

just give it time and hang on. also its good to write things good down that happen in a day. whatever little thing it was. then look back on all your notes in a month and be thankful. eventually you will see some good in everyday. even minor. thats all i have.

[IfiKnewThen]

ps congratz 5 days N/C!! that is great!

 

and congratz for trying to help yourself! awesome!

[fresh8]

Thanks IfiKnewThen. It's really nice to have you reading my posts and giving me feedback. I'm glad you have not told me to shut up yet! haha. I do appreciate this and it makes me happy to keep coming back for a daily 'pick me up'!

 

Today, I made a lot of progress study wise and I can truthfully say that I do not talk about my relationship as much as I did 2 weeks ago. I feel like I am healing slowly. Tomorrow, I start my new job and I cannot wait to wear a suit to work for the first time. Yay! Dream job haha

 

You make a good point that i always reiterate to myself - I am a lot better off than a lot of people. I do want to make a difference to others so I know I got to stay strong and keep being me and being there for others.

 

I'm going to use this thread to keep updating on my progress. Maybe in time, I can look back and pat myself on the back for the progress I make. Thanks again for being here and listening to me ramble on!

[IfiKnewThen]

no problem at all. hey congratz and good luck with that new job!!!!

 

that IS a good thing!!~!

[fresh8]

First day of work was good. It definitely lifted my spirits!

[IfiKnewThen]

wow thats awesome!!! glad you like your job. and the more things you have going to divert your attention and thoughts, the better!

 

good going.

[fresh8]

I'm having so much fun with work and study keep my mind occupied when I have free time. All of this plus meeting new people who share similar views to me and me generally feeling like I am valued and intelligent has really made me believe that I don't need my ex to go on. I still miss her every morning and every night. She is always the first and last thing on my mind but I don't really need her to be me.

 

I don't want to see her again and so I am scared that I will one day bump into her. I just wish I could forget about her quicker!

[Thatguyintx]

...has really made me believe that I don't need my ex to go on.

 

YES!! You don't need your ex to go on. That is awesome!

 

You are inspiring the rest of us!

[fresh8]

I'm on the verge of 14 days NC. Everyday is going fast but the week won't go fast enough! Anyways, here's a recap of the past few days.

 

The Good

 

 

• My new job is great. I got to go to court for the first time to help a prosecutor on a case. More of those experiences to come soon as well.
  
• I went out with about 20 friends last Friday for my first night out since I dated my ex. I have not been so drunk in so long (maybe 14 months). It was a hell lot of fun!
  
• I was going to meet my friend at her office but couldn't because I got called into court. we met up after and she said that a girl at her office was disappointed I didn't show up because she thinks I'm hot. I guess I'm flattered.
  

The Bad

 

 

• Played basketball for the first time in 2 weeks and our team had a narrow loss. It was great to be back on the court but a loss plus coming home and lying on my bed got me thinking about the ex again as I would usually be calling her to tell her about my game...
  
• I still miss her a lot... I find myself thinking about her randomly especially when I wake up and last night I was having trouble sleeping and feeling pretty down.
  
• I'm pretty stressed with my studies and feel a bit lonely when I study alone as we used to study in the library together and hold eachother's hand the whole time while we read our books...
  

 

The Ugly

 

 

• I got very messy at the end of Friday night after drinking way too much. After at least 10 beers and 10 Jack and Cokes, I was pretty much not able to walk in the end. But that's life
  

Well, I'm excited about the next week. I hope that over time, I will think of her less. I really miss her and must admit have been on the verge of contacting her. But I am doing well to hold myself back from doing so. It's just that I feel not valued sometimes and unattractive. Stupid me... Well, hope to have another update for you guys soon

[IfiKnewThen]

the good awesome news on that job...congratz again.

(i always wanted to work in a prosecutors office or help in court) lol

go u. great you got out with your friends too. and it helps when someone thinks your hot after feeling rejected. its a little pick me up , i guess.

 

the bad. yeah, when you dont have a good day..like your narrow loss, you feel and associate with your loss more.

 

the ugly. thank goodness you got home safe. just as long as you always have a designated driver . try not to feel unattractive or not valued. i know its hard after rejection or when one dream crashes. but you have to look it it as one dream for now. keep thankful for all you still have, and know that it time, you will build on that and more good things will come to you. its not that your unattractive its that we FEEL like that. its a false feeling too. and obviously friends and family and your new job value you. just keep loving yourself and improving yourself, and time will take care of the rest.

[fresh8]

Well, I guess sometimes (like now for example) I feel scared thinking about a life without her. I know I said I don't need her and I don't. I know I don't. But I still want her to be a part of my life.

 

I guess today is a bad day because I miss her a lot.

[silvermane187]

I know exactly how you feel buddy. I never thought I NEEDED her, I just always wanted to share my life with her. I had a great weekend and there was at least a dozen times when I would day dream for a second and wish she was there to share it with. What helps me when I miss her a lot is to remember that having her as just a friend would do more harm than good. For example when I was out on friday night I kept thinking I wished she was beside me so I could put my arm around her. Now if we were stupid enough to just be friends with each other that would have led to an awkward moment and me getting rejected again. You just have to roll with the punches.

 

Congrats on the job too. Having a job you enjoy will make everything much easier.

[fresh8]

Thanks silvermane. Good to know that I'm not the only one!

 

Today I caught up with a very old friend who I had not seen in more than a year. I explained to her why I had disappeared and she comforted me and assured me that she did not believe my ex made her decision lightly. My friend said she has been in a similar position and in her case, the factor that got in between her and another man was conflicting religions.

 

2 days after meeting his parents, the guy actually got engaged to another woman. My friend said she was devastated by that because she really loved him. She told me that at least me and my ex broke up on good terms and there was a shot at seeing each other again one day.

[fresh8]

Nearly the end of Day 21.

 

I'm felt better but I have also felt worse. Last week was hard because I let everything get to my head. Now, I am just trying to keep looking ahead.

 

I've realized that I am very much lacking in self-confidence. I don't know if it's because I haven't really spoken to women in the past 14 months but I just am not the same guy I used to be. I know it might sound bad but I really want to get back into dating as I think it would help me. When I say dating, I mean casual dating and nothing serious.

 

The problem is that I can't speak to women! It's terrible. And to think that everyone used to think I was a 'player'. Not anymore!

 

One thing to everyone on LS though. Never turn to alcohol to try and 'ease the pain'. As I found out, it only makes it worse.