Am I Gay?

[Nikki]

Hi,

 

I've never spoken to anybody about this before, so thanks for the oppertunity!

 

For most of my life I have wondered whether I was gay. There have been women that I have had strong feelings for, but have always felt bad for alowing myself to feel so deeply for them. So I blotted the feelings out as best as possible - the trouble is that now I'm sick of doing that. I want to be real to myself. I've dated many guys - but have never felt 'in love' with any of them - in fact I've tried to persuade myself that I loved them.

 

I don't want to be gay - especially as I'm a christian, and Christianity teaches (in most places) that homosexuality is wrong - and in some places is explained away as a mental disorder.

 

I'm am attracted to some men, but have not experienced 'being in love' with them. I'm scared of what I feel aswell 'cause if my family, and friends found out - I don't think that they could cope with it, and me.

 

I don't know that this is the right place to ask advice on what to do - but any advice would be helpfull.

[Nina]

You have to answer that for yourself. Many people continually deny their sexuality their whole life.

 

The thing is, the fact that you're questioning may indicate that you are, but this depends on your age and spectrum of sexual experience. For you, "dated many guys" may be 20 or 30. For me, "many" may be 10 or 15.

 

Women have a strong ability for emotional attachement. I, myself, at one point thought I was gay. I even had a relationship with a woman, though I could never bring myself to actually have sex with her. I realized that although I cared for her and even loved her, I wasn't gay. Now I'm engaged to be married.

 

First of all, consider that our socety over-sexualizes women. From the moment we see to the moment we can read, we are bombarded with images of a sexual woman. Baywatch, print ads, Playboy. Women are symbols of sexuality to both sexes. Many women find other women attractive because that is the standard of sexuality that we are taught. The female figure is more beautiful, in the abstract sense, than the male.

 

Secondly, understand that a lot of people have difficulty finding love. This may be because of emotional hangups from previously painful relationships, childhood sexual abuse, rape, or from having emotionally distant parents or very strict, controlling parents. This may be because you haven't yet found "the one."

 

Also remember that women, regardless of what the women's lib movement may claim, are essentially different from men. We associate sexuality with emotion much more frequently than men do. We are able to feel emotional connectedness mroe than men. We communicate and talk more than men.

 

You have to look inside yourself to understand, and, like me, perhaps try being in a relationship. I felt like I was basically with my best friend. We kissed, and although it felt good, her lips seemed too soft, her body was too round. When I got right down to it, I missed the smooth lines and angels of the male body, and that smell, and that...you know (ha ha). Try it.

 

If you're a young adult (18-24) I wouldn't worry unless you feel very strongly about this. At this age it's very common for people to question their sexuality.

 

Don't worry about what your family and friends think. They don't have to live your life everyday, or deal with the consequences of what your choices are. Only you do.

[artlover]

Excellent response Nina!

You have to answer that for yourself. Many people continually deny their sexuality their whole life. The thing is, the fact that you're questioning may indicate that you are, but this depends on your age and spectrum of sexual experience. For you, "dated many guys" may be 20 or 30. For me, "many" may be 10 or 15.

 

Women have a strong ability for emotional attachement. I, myself, at one point thought I was gay. I even had a relationship with a woman, though I could never bring myself to actually have sex with her. I realized that although I cared for her and even loved her, I wasn't gay. Now I'm engaged to be married. First of all, consider that our socety over-sexualizes women. From the moment we see to the moment we can read, we are bombarded with images of a sexual woman. Baywatch, print ads, Playboy. Women are symbols of sexuality to both sexes. Many women find other women attractive because that is the standard of sexuality that we are taught. The female figure is more beautiful, in the abstract sense, than the male. Secondly, understand that a lot of people have difficulty finding love. This may be because of emotional hangups from previously painful relationships, childhood sexual abuse, rape, or from having emotionally distant parents or very strict, controlling parents. This may be because you haven't yet found "the one." Also remember that women, regardless of what the women's lib movement may claim, are essentially different from men. We associate sexuality with emotion much more frequently than men do. We are able to feel emotional connectedness mroe than men. We communicate and talk more than men. You have to look inside yourself to understand, and, like me, perhaps try being in a relationship. I felt like I was basically with my best friend. We kissed, and although it felt good, her lips seemed too soft, her body was too round. When I got right down to it, I missed the smooth lines and angels of the male body, and that smell, and that...you know (ha ha). Try it. If you're a young adult (18-24) I wouldn't worry unless you feel very strongly about this. At this age it's very common for people to question their sexuality. Don't worry about what your family and friends think. They don't have to live your life everyday, or deal with the consequences of what your choices are. Only you do.

[Help Me]

Look, I say that you have questions about who you are internally, rather than sexually. Just think about which one turns you on more the sight of a naked man or woman.

 

I believe that you need to think more about what has driven to this confusion. I can't say what it is. Just think about it. The attraction will drive you one way or another

[Taressa]

Deep affection and love between women is not uncommon. It's when there's a sexual attraction attached to those feelings that you step out of the heterosexual arena.

 

The lack of past love with a man does not signify you're barking up the wrong tree (or sex). There are just too many other things at play here.

 

I have several female friends who have described feelings similar to yours. These women are wonderful friends, wives, and mothers but they each have mentioned breakdowns in their family relationships as kids. I wonder if, like them, you are seeking the comfort and closeness you may have missed out on as a child?

 

I am very glad you're exploring the feelings that have always plagued you and your relationships. I hope you will keep up this search now and turn to God as your help. He created you, he created sexuality; he understands them both. Look to his kindness in your search and avoid those who represent God as a harsh judge. True, he cares passionately about right and wrong but He also cares passionately for you!

[Nikki]

Thanks for your advice everyone.

 

I really appreciate your feed-back, as I have never spoken to anyone about this before.

 

Thanks again.

[billy the kid]

hey Nicki, even though you will hardly ever and prob most never hear a guy say it they have feelings for each other also, and I'm not talking sexual either... just that they may really care about one another, the macho thing is such b/s... I agree totally with

 

taresa... your cool, and your question was understood by both the male and female side only most males are too c/s to addmit it....

Thanks for your advice everyone. I really appreciate your feed-back, as I have never spoken to anyone about this before.

 

Thanks again.