Oops

[ahoy]

I broke no contact because she was saying she wants to be with me, and that she loves me and misses me. We met up on Thursday, ended up having sex, and this made her text me more (I love you, I miss you, I want you back .etc.). Yesterday I went out, and she was angry saying that I was going to get with another girl. Since then she's been cold, despite me not having anything to do with another girl last night - I just went the pub with my mates and my brother.

 

Time to go back into NC I guess? I think she's playing games with me.

[mr.goodguy]

Ahoy the problem I see is that you had sex with her WAY TOO SOON. She gave you what you wanted to hear "i love you, I miss you"...you fell for it and gave her want she wanted (and you as well)..sex. If you want to win her back, you have to understand what traits women look for in a guy, someone who is confidence, in control and can lead. By you having sex, shows you could not control yourself. She has the upper hand now. Next time, avoid having sex as hard as it is, until your relationship is defined, whatever it may be. The sexual tension should drive her crazy.

 

She could feel that since you gave yourself to her so easily, she might suspect you are like that with other girls. Or she could be wack...I don't know.

 

NC this be-otch and have fun!

[ahoy]

Okay so I went back to no contact, haven't replied to her messages or answered her calls. Eventually, she gets annoyed and sends "you don't ****ing care!", then blocks me. I just carried on with the NC, couple of hours later "are you seriously gonna keep ignoring me forever? I love you for **** sake :("

 

Am I being unfair by not sending her any reply at all? I am no longer bothered about reconciliation, I just want to move on. I've had a good weekend without her, and it can only get better eh. I just feel a bit cruel leaving her in the lurch so the speak - even if it is helping me move on :/

[mr.goodguy]

who broke up the relationship? this is much needed info before anyone can advise.

[spackle]

let me get this straight.

 

you broke up

she says she loves you

you have sex

you ignore her

she's pissed at you

 

hmmm yeah women are REALLY hard to figure out at times aren't they....

[ahoy]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t268549/

 

That's the background story of what's gone on.

 

Spackle, I only started ignoring her after she randomly decided to give me the cold shoulder. She got really pissy, started an argument from anything I said, and moaned that I was getting with another girl (I wasn't). She even said "we can't speak any more" which is when I stopped replying.

 

However later that day she texts me with "sorry for being a bitch, I just really don't want to hurt either of us any more than we already have been xxxxxxxxx". I took this as being an explanation, rather than something I needed to reply to.

[ahoy]

"are you really going to just keep ignoring me forever? I love you for **** sake :("

 

I'm thinking maybe I should reply to this with something like "I just want some space, sorry." but I aren't sure whether that would cause more hassle than continuing no contact :/

[spackle]

thing is, when she says 'we can't speak anymore', sometimes she'll mean it other times and plenty of women do this - it's kind of a test, we want you to fight for us, we want you to prove & show us how much you care and how much we mean to you...which is probably why you got the follow up message.

 

...the complete opposite to many guys when you say to guys 'we cant speak anymore' take that as a direct instruction

[robinseggblue]

thing is, when she says 'we can't speak anymore', sometimes she'll mean it other times and plenty of women do this - it's kind of a test, we want you to fight for us, we want you to prove & show us how much you care and how much we mean to you...which is probably why you got the follow up message.

 

This is totally true.

 

Translation: Your girlfriend, by whining about you being into other women, is LOOKING FOR REASSURANCE. You turning your back on her, is messing her up, and she is withdrawing because she doesn't trust you. She was being cold and pissy because she wants you to come running after her, and reassure her. She doesn't feel safe with you. She is waiting for your overwhelming vote of confidence towards her. You should be wrapping your arms around her know telling her how much you love her, not telling her you want space. If you want her back, that is. If you want to lose her, continue to act like you don't care.

[robinseggblue]

let me get this straight.

 

you broke up

she says she loves you

you have sex

you ignore her

she's pissed at you

 

hmmm yeah women are REALLY hard to figure out at times aren't they....

 

 

EXACTLY! Is this really so confusing? I don't get it.

[ahoy]

As soon as I do actually make contact, we're speaking openly and there's a decent atmosphere for a couple of hours and then she goes cold again. It's like she hears what she wants to here, then decides that'll do for the day lol.

[robinseggblue]

As soon as I do actually make contact, we're speaking openly and there's a decent atmosphere for a couple of hours and then she goes cold again. It's like she hears what she wants to here, then decides that'll do for the day lol.

 

Hmm, ok, that's weird. I think I would just tell her the truth. Like, I love you but I can't take this hot and cold behavior anymore. And then leave her alone. But before you leave her alone, tell her that you won't be in touch and that you won't be answering her attempts at contact until she is ready to treat you properly (or ready to get back together)

 

What else can you do?

[ahoy]

I seriously have started to think that her family are pressuring her into this sort of behaviour. If that's the case I've got no option but to take it on this chin I suppose though

[ahoy]

Okay so she text me a couple of hours ago saying that she "really needed to speak to me really badly, it's really important". With the overuse of the word really, and the desperation, I thought it might have been an emergency and replied through facebook, all I said was "I've got no texts left, what's up?"

 

She just replied, twice in the space of 5 minutes. "oh sorry, I just really miss you x" and then "just talk to me please, I cant stand it anymore x". I know if I reply I'll be back at square one with her going cold on me again, it's 99% certain that that's what will happen. Is it time to just block her?

[ahoy]

And this morning she's going for the good old "so your still not going to talk to me? ok. but dont expect to talk to me again, youve made yourself clear, im out of your like, forever now." She really needs to make her mind up

[Jerrica]

I wouldn't believe that, she's just saying that to get to you and to try and have you reply. She sounds like an attention seeker with hot and cold behavior. I would just tell her "I love you, but I can't deal with your hot and cold behavior, it hurts me and I don't want to be hurt by you anymore" This will signal to her that she needs to make some big changes if she is wanting to be with you. Until you see this change, I would not engage in seeing her or arguing with her. Keep LC.

[SingVoice]

Well my question is...when you guys had sex...did you like...discuss getting back together at all?

 

Because she might be feeling REALLY insecure about whats going on if you didn't like...ACTUALLY talk about being together again. She might feel like you just used her for sex and then won't speak to her.

 

I would just call her. See what she wants....if she doesn't want to actually be with you or you don't want to be with her...then go NC.

[ahoy]

When we had sex we were meant to just be meeting to return each other's stuff and say bye, we'd agreed not to speak after that meeting. As soon as she saw me, she hugged me really tight and wouldn't let go. We'd even met in a public place so that we could just be normal and none intimate - so much for that. We ended up going back to my place. Afterwords, we spoke for a bit about what was wrong, and she said that we could never be together but that she still loves me. I agreed and went NC, she text me within the hour saying she missed me already et cetera.

 

Today I decided I'd text her, and explain that I love her but I can't be friends with her at the minute as I can't be bothered with petty squabbles, reinforced it by quoting her as saying it after we'd met up and told her to take care of herself.

 

Her instant reply was "we can speak. I don't want to lose you from my life", but I ignored it (I'd already justified no contact in my prior message, so why answer that?). After 10 minutes she texts me saying "well, we'll be more than friends then?". Not sure how to reply to that, it looks to me like she just doesn't want to feel rejected (not exactly the most enthusiastic suggestion of reconciliation ever is it haha).

[robinseggblue]

Wow! I would be SOOOOOO frustrated if I was you. But now that youve texted her that message, you have to stand your ground. Let her feel rejected, and see how it feels to not know if you two will ever be together again. But you have to actually follow through and not answer again until she tells you that she made a mistake. Do it!!!!

[dreamingoftigers]

Okay so I went back to no contact, haven't replied to her messages or answered her calls. Eventually, she gets annoyed and sends "you don't ****ing care!", then blocks me. I just carried on with the NC, couple of hours later "are you seriously gonna keep ignoring me forever? I love you for **** sake :("

 

Am I being unfair by not sending her any reply at all? I am no longer bothered about reconciliation, I just want to move on. I've had a good weekend without her, and it can only get better eh. I just feel a bit cruel leaving her in the lurch so the speak - even if it is helping me move on :/

 

Sorry to say this, but it would seem from a female perspective that you are a jackass!

 

Not even trying to be rude.

 

But she says she loves you misses you etc. and then you show up nail her, and act as if nothing happened. That's a jackass.

 

Now you are ignoring her. If you didn't want to reconcile, then you don't sleep with her.

[dreamingoftigers]

I seriously have started to think that her family are pressuring her into this sort of behaviour. If that's the case I've got no option but to take it on this chin I suppose though

 

Okay so she text me a couple of hours ago saying that she "really needed to speak to me really badly, it's really important". With the overuse of the word really, and the desperation, I thought it might have been an emergency and replied through facebook, all I said was "I've got no texts left, what's up?"

 

She just replied, twice in the space of 5 minutes. "oh sorry, I just really miss you x" and then "just talk to me please, I cant stand it anymore x". I know if I reply I'll be back at square one with her going cold on me again, it's 99% certain that that's what will happen. Is it time to just block her?

 

And this morning she's going for the good old "so your still not going to talk to me? ok. but dont expect to talk to me again, youve made yourself clear, im out of your like, forever now." She really needs to make her mind up

 

Yes she has emotional issues and problems communicating but this isn't some really heavy code.

 

If you do like her then go and get her and be consistent about it. Ignore the bad behaviour and reward the kindnesses, excellent behaviour modification!

 

You are both more inconsistent then a vomited Subway Melt!

[robinseggblue]

You are both more inconsistent then a vomited Subway Melt!

 

 

You are AWESOME! I agree with your advice too. I can see both sides, but what is lacking on both sides is consistency.

[dreamingoftigers]

Wow! I would be SOOOOOO frustrated if I was you. But now that youve texted her that message, you have to stand your ground. Let her feel rejected, and see how it feels to not know if you two will ever be together again. But you have to actually follow through and not answer again until she tells you that she made a mistake. Do it!!!!

 

She won't get the message because you have told each other 60 different things over the last week, it will just look like the usual conflict-avoidant abandonment.

 

You need to pick a direction, either absolute no, or maybe yes, but not under those conditions. You simply say: look, I do want to be with you, but things have to start slower and be more solid. I will invest time into it and be more consistent but stop with the little tests. I want to be your guy, but all of the back and forth in and out has to stop from both of us, so maybe on XXX day a week we can go out and see how things go, then leave NC like that for a month or so, we can negotiate some terms on that. But it has to be consistent, or there is no point.

 

You both need to develop those skills btw.

[Jdw_Icequeen]

It seems to me your both guilty of this hot and cold behavior..

Like has been said you can't go off and sleep with her and then say ok fine lets do nc.. I think she obviously wanted reassurance after sleeping together and when she said well we can't get back together she was hoping you would fight for her..

 

This is pretty much a no brainer, I completley agree with everyone else here. First of all you say you want her back then your ready to move on?

Make up your mind!! Your both just playing games with eachother.

 

A. Figure out what you want! (If you want to move on do it!)

 

B. If you do want to fix this you lay it on the table.

(No more games! Tell her you love her want this to work but your not going to play this back and forth bs anymore.)

 

If she can't figure her own issues out, then move on. Delete her block her whatever. At this point it sounds like your both feeding off the drama and attention.. Sorry if it sounds harsh but just how I see it..

[ahoy]

Now you are ignoring her. If you didn't want to reconcile, then you don't sleep with her.

 

It was her idea, maybe I should have said no, but I didn't because I knew it would put us in a position whereby we'd actually have a chance to speak to each other openly afterwards.

 

The reason I go "inconsistent" with her is because she says she doesn't want me to stop talking to her, so I speak, and we have a laugh and don't even speak of the relationship. Out of nowhere, she'll tell me she loves me/misses me/can't live without me, but once I reply and tell her that I love her or anything along them lines she quickly finds an argument in something I've said (she said something about her looking a mess after work, and I said "you're always beautiful" and she came back with "just **** off, you're a ****ing prick")

 

I do actually love this girl to bits, would love to reconcile with her. Problem is, every time she provides a window of opportunity for me to say something nice she it's there for one reply before it's gone again - even if it's only replicating what she said 5-10 minutes prior.