HELP - I cheated on my husband and its ruining my sex life!

[hotmamma]

PLEASE HELP. I cheated on my husband for the first time last week.

 

We have been married for 7 years and I love him very much. While I enjoyed the experience, the other man and I have agreed not to see each other again (he is also married with children).

 

I don't want to hurt my husband and I just want to get past this. My problem is that every time my husband kisses or touches me, I can only think about the other man. Its like his face just pops up and I can't get it out of my head.

 

This has taken a big toll on my sex life with my husband, which has always been wonderfully fulfilling until now. I haven't been able to be satisfied by my husband since I cheated. I am just sick to my stomach over this and I am starting to get obsessive about the entire situation.

 

I should also mention that the reason I cheated is because I really missed the excitement of a new relationship. After 7 years of marriage, the flame was starting to go out. And please, I don't need any advice about "trying new things". If we try anything weirder, one of us will end up in jail or the hospital.

 

I am just sick about this whole mess. I am depressed and can't stop thinking about it. Please, please if anyone has any ideas, I'd really appreciate it.

 

Thank you.

[wideawake]

Sounds like you're feeling guilty.

 

Which would be a fairly normal and healthy thing considering what you've done.

 

I'm really not sure what to tell you, but perhaps if you actually talk to your husband it would help?

 

Hope things work out.

 

WA

[hotmamma]

Wideawake, you called me on my crap.

 

You are right. Up until last week, I had never kept a single secret from my husband. He is my best friend. I was always so proud of our marriage, because I COULD tell him everything. We had no secrets.

 

Now I have a secret, and if I tell him, I might feel a little better, but he'll never trust me the same way again. I am beside myself. I would do anything to go back and undo what I've done. I am so ashamed.

 

And yet, I am still so unsatisfied. I don't understand how couples keep the spark going. I do not want to ruin my marriage any more than I may already have, but I can't keep going on like this with no passion. I am desperate.

[wideawake]

Hey bud,

 

Not sure if you're referring to my original post (the nasty sarcastic derogatory one...) or the newer one that is currently posted above (the life is good and I won't be a jerk anymore one).

 

But yeah, you've gotten yourself in a heck of a spot...damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

 

I guess the only thing I can think of, (besides just telling him the truth and dealing with the consequences) would be to go see some kind of therapist or something.

 

I don't know what else to tell you, though I am moved by the fact that you came back and re-posted to (I believe) my original thread and did it like an adult and didn't just lash out at me.

 

Thanks for the lesson.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Hotmama,

 

Thank you so much for coming here to share your experience. I think it helps to show that even happily married people can have affairs.

 

I've read so many posts from people who are eager to discover some kind of 'sign' that their relationship may be in trouble, or that their partner might be inclined to cheat. So often, those who discover their partner's infidelity have felt naive or even stupid because they never saw it coming. And more often than not, the innocent spouse takes on the burden of guilt and blame for their partner's infidelity...whether self-imposed or by others...thinking they were somehow responsible for their partner's discontent.

 

Again, thank you so much for offering a different perspective on this issue. Your wisdom has certainly not been wasted on me! I, for one, am going to file this lesson and pray that I never have to use it.

 

Meanwhile, I wish you all the best while you go through the process of working through all your emotions. And I hope, with all sincerity, that your wonderful marriage somehow survives.

[Dug]

hotmamma......before you do too much confessing to your beloved husband...consider this..... if you do tell him, chances are that then both of you will be thinking about the guy you cheated with. Your husband may say that he forgives you, but trust me...he'll never forget.

[kellyguinn]

hotmamma... I understand where you are coming from. I was recently on the other side. My wife cheated on me just last Thursday. My point of view is that you should tell him the truth. It is better to find out from you now instead of some other party. If he truly loves you and you love him the Trust in your relationship will be easier to rekindle if he hears it from you and you truly show that you are guilty and it is your fault. It is a long and rocky road that we have to go through but if nothing is said then the guilt inside will only grow and eventually end your marriage in a way that will be bad for both party's. If you do decide to tell the truth please be patient with him and understand that he will have many different emotions that he will have to work out on his own. Infidelity is nothing new in todays society. 40% of wives have affairs on their husbands and 60% of husbands have affairs on their wives this means that 80% of marriages have some type of extramarital activities going on. So don't dwell on what you have done just try to make the correct decisions in the future. You will be in my prayers.

 

Kelly

[End of my rope]

This has taken a big toll on my sex life with my husband, which has always been wonderfully fulfilling until now.

 

If it was wonderfully fulfilling why did you cheat? I know you said it was because you missed the excitement of a new relationship...but deep down...why did you cheat?

 

I'd say don't tell your husband unless there is a chance he'll find out. If there is even a smidge of a chance he'll find out...tell him. It would be better for you to be honest about it then for him to discover your betrayal.

 

Seems to me that people just don't know how to be happy anymore...myself included. It's like we have to have some kind of drama in our lives.

[brashgal]

You might want to go for counselling to see if talking about it will get it out of your system and help you examine why you did what you did and how to avoid doing it again. At the same time the counsellor may help you decide whether telling your husband will help or hurt your relationship. Think long and hard before hurting your husband just to clear your conscience.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

Let me see if I have this correct. You have had a wonderful marriage and husband but you got a little bored so you cheated on your husband broke your marriage vows and put his health at risk. Meanwhile your husband has always been your best friend and you never kept a secret from each other. Not only have you cheated on your husband but you continue to disrespect and humiliate him by not telling him the truth. How very disrespectful it is that you keep this from him. How would you feel if the roles had been reversed and he cheated on you and put your health at risk. Would you want him to continue to lie to you?

You are depressed and it is having a negative effect on your marriage. Have you thought that maybe a little honesty is what you and your husband need? Yes it will be painful but it can be a new beginning. Otherwise your marriage is based on deceit, lying and dishonesty. If you love your husband you should do the honorable thing and tell him the truth. Otherwise you are trying to avoid the consequences of your actions. If you respect him then you will tell him the truth. If not then it speaks volumes about you and your marriage. After all this the very least you owe your husband is the truth. How can you not see this? Either you have a marriage and relationship based on truth, honesty, and respect or a marriage and relationship based on lies, dishonesty and disrespect. The choice is yours. I wish you luck.

[capitald]

You cheated, maybe you need a sex buddy on the side, who knows!!!

The world is a strange, strange place. I am not going to stand here and judge you like I am god or brandish you with Christian morality. You did what you felt like doing whether you feel guilty or not. A mistake is always labeled so in hindsight, when you did it, it was what you wanted to do. I however do wish you luck with the dealing with the consequences of your little action.

[bajancutie]

I don't believe that now's the time to tell your husband. I really don't see what good that would do. Things would NEVER be the same. I don't think you should destroy your marriage over a single mistake. This was the first time, you realized it was wrong and you've decided not to do it again. From what you've said, the guilt and agony over what occurred should be enough to convince you that it really wasn't worth it. If that's truly the case, in time you'll be able to forgive yourself and move beyond it. You need to work on the root cause so that it doesn't ever happen again.

 

What I think you should be talking to your husband about is the fact that you feel the passion in your marriage is dying. Given your strong friendship, you should be able to work on that together or enlist some outside help if you need it.

[yekcoh]

 

I have been on the receiving end of my X husband's oh so brutal honesty. It broke my heart. But my marriage was not strong, and was not happy. So you have that to consider.

 

If I were in your situation, I wouldn't tell him. I think it takes greater restrain to keep it silent (as long as you've put it behind you). Respect can be interpreted in many different ways. My feeling is that if you truly respect your husband, you'll do what's right for him. Figuring out what's right for him is the hard part. People here are full of a lot of advise and insight, but if you tell him, it could break up everything that you have worked so hard for. On the other hand, if he finds out your marriage will probably be over.

 

If you're truly dedicated to this marriage, you'll do whatever it takes to make it right for you and for him. Be careful not to blame him or his faults for what you've done. You did this, for whatever reason. Now, it's time to make it right.

 

good luck

[capitald]

I just feel like telling him in this situation would be using it as a weapon to inflict major harm. Forget about it for now. The act itself is bs. What you are confronted with is the present situation and the future. You are not getting fufilled in the bedroom and thats a situation that must be addressed. Don't confess that you did wrong, like daddies little sinner, address the problem at hand. Tell him: look I am not happy in our relationship now, we need to change it or end it. Leave the past in the past and don't use latent bitterness as a weapon.

-D.