optimistgirl Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 Where do I begin? I met a wonderful guy right after Thanksgiving. He's divorced, has a daughter, works hard, is responsible, and thoughtful. We thoroughly enjoyed spending time with one another and saw each other all the time. I'm sure you're waiting for the catch. Well, he is white, Italian to be specific and I am black, African-American. We hit it off great! I always felt that if the chemistry is there, then it doesn't matter what a person's ethnic background is. My ex-husband is south american and we were together for 12 years. I know from experience that interracial relationships can work so I wasn't worried about anything, except maybe his parents. In the very beginning, we had 'the talk' about what he thought his parents would say and he said he didn't care what his parents said. He said he was tired of trying to please other people and this time he was going to do what he wanted to. So, I entered into a relationship with him. We saw each other often and became very close. He met my daughters (I am divorced) and he wanted me to meet his daughter. He also decided it was time to take things one step further and to tell his mother about our relationship. He normally likes to wait a little before telling his parents. When he told her, WWIII broke out. All he was able to get out about me is that I am black and nothing more. She doesn't know if I'm a nice person, if I'm caring, if I have a college education, or a good job...nothing except my skin color. Because he did not get her immediate approval, he then became uncertain about where the relationship was headed and decided to wait a week and see if things blew over. In that time, we went away on a weekend getaway and had a wonderful time. I didn't realize it at the time, but this whole situation must have been weighing heavily on his mind and I know that he felt really bad about the situation because he told me so. He said he wished it was my parents with the problem and not his. When we got back, he ended having another blow-out with his mother about me and I think she must have given him an ultimatum of sorts because he told me that if he wanted to continue seeing me, then he would've had to break off the relationship with his family which would've affected not only him, but his daughter as well. He decided to break it off with me because he just thought that things would get worse with his mom and that eventually the stress from the issues with his family would cause a lot of grief and heartache. This whole situation is very hard for me to wrap my head around because I feel like he cared about me, otherwise he wouldn't have told his mom about us, but I also feel like he didn't care if he's willing to throw it all away because his mother doesn't approve. He said he feels differently with me (in a good way ). Shouldn't he be free to date who he chooses to at 38? He said that I'm too good for him and that he didn't think it was fair to put me in this situation. I'm just having a hard time understanding his willingness to break off something good for the sake of his mother who he doesn't get along with anyway. Maybe he's really doing this for me... and for himself too. I don't know. According to him, she's very, very controlling. I'm feeling awful about this. Should I just try to forget about this whole situation? I really cared about him, but I also believe that you should stand up for yourself and what you believe in. Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 My previous fiancee's mother was a frickin nightmare, an interferring vile poisonous woman who came between us in the end. BUT it was more the fact he lacked the balls and courage to pursue what he wanted and looking back now I AM SO PLEASED IT ENDED. She would have been eternally obstructing because she had a hold over him, to the point she was responsible for his narcissitic tendancies as she had never given him detachment enough for him to be an independant person. If this woman is a racist, he needs to be seriously standing the ground and I cannot see any sneaky routes around it. Racism is utterly offensive and inexcusable - it is not a choice but ignorance and a crime against humanity. You need to let him know how offended you are, then back off and give him room to breathe and think. You never know he may come good and give us faith, but you have to get right out of the warzone and leave him with his mother dearest. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 They all say that they don't have Mommy Issues in the beginning. If it wasn't your skin colour, whatever he said in the next sentence would have been s problem. Any grown man who would fall victim to that level of disrespect from his mother gets what he deserves in life. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 My previous fiancee's mother was a frickin nightmare, an interferring vile poisonous woman who came between us in the end. BUT it was more the fact he lacked the balls and courage to pursue what he wanted and looking back now I AM SO PLEASED IT ENDED. She would have been eternally obstructing because she had a hold over him, to the point she was responsible for his narcissitic tendancies as she had never given him detachment enough for him to be an independant person. If this woman is a racist, he needs to be seriously standing the ground and I cannot see any sneaky routes around it. Racism is utterly offensive and inexcusable - it is not a choice but ignorance and a crime against humanity. You need to let him know how offended you are, then back off and give him room to breathe and think. You never know he may come good and give us faith, but you have to get right out of the warzone and leave him with his mother dearest. Good post. I also have an exMIL that was a nightmare. Her firt major issue with me was that I wasn't Catholic- but the bottom line was that she just didn't want another woman to be close with her son. She treated me so badly throughout our relationship and he never stood up to her on my behalf. I was so resentful by the end of our relationship that he couldn't stand up to his mother and her manipulations. Op, if his mother is so hateful that she doesn't want her son dating a black woman- and he's so enmeshed with her that he can't man up and make his own decisions, you've dodged a bullet with this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author optimistgirl Posted March 20, 2011 Author Share Posted March 20, 2011 My previous fiancee's mother was a frickin nightmare, an interferring vile poisonous woman who came between us in the end. BUT it was more the fact he lacked the balls and courage to pursue what he wanted and looking back now I AM SO PLEASED IT ENDED. She would have been eternally obstructing because she had a hold over him, to the point she was responsible for his narcissitic tendancies as she had never given him detachment enough for him to be an independant person. If this woman is a racist, he needs to be seriously standing the ground and I cannot see any sneaky routes around it. Racism is utterly offensive and inexcusable - it is not a choice but ignorance and a crime against humanity. You need to let him know how offended you are, then back off and give him room to breathe and think. You never know he may come good and give us faith, but you have to get right out of the warzone and leave him with his mother dearest. You are completely right!! I really appreciate the support. The terrible thing in all of this is that I feel like I did something wrong!! Usually, if someone breaks up with you it's for something that happened between you and that person, not because their mother decides that you're not the right person for them. If by some chance, he grows some balls in a week and decides to stand up for what he wants and what is right, I would consider taking him back, but not without a serious talk and a lot of thought. If he doesn't, then I hate to say it, but he's not worth my time and he doesn't deserve me, not even as a friend. If he would let his mother interfere in his love life, what else would he let her interfere in. I hope one day I'll feel happy that he ended it and I really hope that that day comes really soon because I'm still reeling from all this. It's UNBELIEVALE! I don't plan on reaching out to him at all. I just need to forget about him. Of course, that is easier said than done. What a shame. One minute I'm cursing him, and the next minute I'm missing him. This sux. Link to post Share on other sites
Author optimistgirl Posted March 20, 2011 Author Share Posted March 20, 2011 Sounds like I should ruuuuuuunnn the other way and quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author optimistgirl Posted March 20, 2011 Author Share Posted March 20, 2011 They all say that they don't have Mommy Issues in the beginning. If it wasn't your skin colour, whatever he said in the next sentence would have been s problem. Any grown man who would fall victim to that level of disrespect from his mother gets what he deserves in life. I suppose it's a good thing we only dated a few months rather than a few years. It would have hurt a lot more later. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 H Hell yeah! Mommy issues are the worst to deal with. I married my husband because I thought he didn't have Mommy Issues because he stood up to her a long time ago. But..... He got abandoned by four mothers in the course of his lifetime. (I have had to put together his history, the Clinic asked me to, it's a lot of phone calls!) And his biological mother died so he has the Mother or all Mother Issues! Duck and Run for Cover! Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 Optimistgirl, of course you feel like you've done something wrong because you have been a victim of racism! Leaving you feel s h i t and downtrodden because you are a black woman, reminding you there are still small minded wankers in the world who would devalue you on that basis. You will miss him and still go through all the usual break up feelings, plus a real sense of unfairness, but you will pull through and stay strong based on the ethic standpoint. To me those that standby and allow prejudices to happen are just as guilty as those committing it, so if you hear nothing from him, then take solace that he wasn't the man you thought he was all along. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 Optimistgirl, of course you feel like you've done something wrong because you have been a victim of racism! Leaving you feel s h i t and downtrodden because you are a black woman, reminding you there are still small minded wankers in the world who would devalue you on that basis. You will miss him and still go through all the usual break up feelings, plus a real sense of unfairness, but you will pull through and stay strong based on the ethic standpoint. To me those that standby and allow prejudices to happen are just as guilty as those committing it, so if you hear nothing from him, then take solace that he wasn't the man you thought he was all along. Nicely said! Bravo! Link to post Share on other sites
Author optimistgirl Posted March 20, 2011 Author Share Posted March 20, 2011 You ladies are AWESOME! I wasn't sure about posting anything because I'm new to the forum, but I'm so happy I did now. Your supportive words and thoughts have helped more than you know. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 You ladies are AWESOME! I wasn't sure about posting anything because I'm new to the forum, but I'm so happy I did now. Your supportive words and thoughts have helped more than you know. Your avatar is beautiful- you're a gorgeous woman. Any man that would let his mother dictate whom he's allowed to date should be ashamed of himself. He's not worth your energy, and you deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
Thatguyintx Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 Your avatar is beautiful- you're a gorgeous woman. Any man that would let his mother dictate whom he's allowed to date should be ashamed of himself. He's not worth your energy, and you deserve better. At the risk of letting on that I am a shallow male pig, I agree with D-Lish. All kidding aside, you do deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author optimistgirl Posted March 20, 2011 Author Share Posted March 20, 2011 Your avatar is beautiful- you're a gorgeous woman. Any man that would let his mother dictate whom he's allowed to date should be ashamed of himself. He's not worth your energy, and you deserve better. Aww, you're too kind. Thank-you. It was a great a few months, but it's time to move on and I'm ok with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author optimistgirl Posted March 20, 2011 Author Share Posted March 20, 2011 At the risk of letting on that I am a shallow male pig, I agree with D-Lish. All kidding aside, you do deserve better. LOL...I definitely, definitely do!!! Thanks, Thatguy. Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 Welcome to the forum, we're a good lot here. Most of us anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 He said he didn't care what his parents said. He said he was tired of trying to please other people and this time he was going to do what he wanted to. Until at least next Tuesday! Honey if that is your picture, that dude is an idiot! OMG! Link to post Share on other sites
Author optimistgirl Posted March 20, 2011 Author Share Posted March 20, 2011 Until at least next Tuesday! Honey if that is your picture, that dude is an idiot! OMG! Haha! Yea, that's the truth!! Yes, that is me . Today is day 4 and I'm feeling much better than I was on Thursday. Talking about it has really helped. Btw, thanks for the compliment. I just hope he realizes one day what an IDIOTIC decision he made between me and mother dearest! Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 Hey, the ex I referred to is now with someone who looks exactly like a younger version of his mother and it's not just me that has noticed. Freak!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author optimistgirl Posted March 20, 2011 Author Share Posted March 20, 2011 Hey, the ex I referred to is now with someone who looks exactly like a younger version of his mother and it's not just me that has noticed. Freak!! Ok, I've heard of unconsciously seeking out someone with characteristics of your parent of the opp sex, but actually getting someone who looks like them...well, that's just frickin sick! :eek: Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 Ok, I've heard of unconsciously seeking out someone with characteristics of your parent of the opp sex, but actually getting someone who looks like them...well, that's just frickin sick! :eek: At first it wierded me out, but then it made me laugh and then I showed my mum who spotted the similarity straight away and WELL, we sat around having a good jokefest at his expense. Phew that was a tough relationship, his mother was just awful. Could you imagine raising kids with that kind of woman around? Link to post Share on other sites
ccfan Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 (edited) Hello Optimist... I´m so sorry to hear that you are going thru this. I just been in your shoes, and you have to be really careful that these people won´t destroy of affect your self steem in any way, shape or form as it happened to me. My last ex mother in law was a total nightmare as well, she was toxic and overprotective with my ex girlfriend (who is the meanest person i´ve even known but thats another story) so this lady (i live in south america and somehow i don´t look as most people as i´m a white very lighted skin guy) didn´t like that i wasn´t more "tanned" and she just loved to hate me because i make a living as a musician, so she invented every excuse in the book to hate me.. from telling my ex that i was probably a drug addict , broke and so on.... wich is funny because my ex knew that i´ve never ever done drugs, that i´m and health exercise freak and that i´m at the top of my profession in financially, very far away from playing in a park for pennies... still she hated me for being too white, they even had a nickname for me that related to milk or something like that... not fun for sure, what a low level human beings like the ones you are dealing with Thing is that their "precious daugther" was the most superficial, bimbo, and ugliest (on the inside) person i´ve met in my life, i came to realize that later on... and altough it´s over and still hurt i cannot imagine myself living with her on the long run and much less with a mother in law that made me feel guilty for beeing "too white" or for not having the job she would love me to... Optimist, the thing i´m worried in your situation is that, like i said before, these people might destroy your self steem and make you feel misserable and months for weeks and even months like they did to me.... you should NOT put ou with that insanity and should feel sorry for them for being so basic, primitive and plain pathetic in the way they think. As for your boyfriend, or ex boyfriend now... you have to run the other way!!! you don´t need a guy who´s mentally making you feel bad for absolutely NO reason... and if he really loved you he would not have cared one bit about his mother... he´s weak, and you do not need someone like that in your life DO NOT let these people affect you, even if you have get out of the ralationship do it... you don´t deserve to be treated this way, leave them alone in their own misery. sending hugs and love your way Edited March 21, 2011 by ccfan Link to post Share on other sites
Author optimistgirl Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 At first it wierded me out, but then it made me laugh and then I showed my mum who spotted the similarity straight away and WELL, we sat around having a good jokefest at his expense. Phew that was a tough relationship, his mother was just awful. Could you imagine raising kids with that kind of woman around? I'm sure glad you can have a sense of humor about that nightmarish relationship now. I can't wait to get to that point. Here's the interesting thing about the kids part. Neither one of us even wanted to have any more kids (I have two from a previous marriage and he has 1 from a previous marriage). His mother would not have even had to worry about having a mixed grandchild!!!! So R I D I C U L O U S! I guess I got spared all the grief she would have caused. I know that he knew she would have caused a ton of grief and he was concerned that I would end up hating him and he didn't want to ruin my life (those are his words exactly). One day, maybe I'll feel like thanking him...but right now, I'm still in the anger phase! Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 I'm glad you're starting to feel better. Just know that this is HIS issue, and has nothing to do with you. It saddened me to no end that my exH couldn't stand up to his mother. We still speak from time to time and he told me that his mother has just as much disdain for his new wife and she did for me. That helped to hear because I spent such a long time thinking I wasn't important enough to my ex- which is why he never stood up for me. I realize now this issue is always going to exist between the two of them- and it had nothing to do with me. Had you stayed with this man, you would have ended up full of resentment down the road- because if he can't stand up to his mother at the age of 38, it's just not ever going to happen! There are lots of men out there that would be more than lucky to spend time with you! This guy has proved he simply isn't worthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author optimistgirl Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 Hello Optimist... I´m so sorry to hear that you are going thru this. I just been in your shoes, and you have to be really careful that these people won´t destroy of affect your self steem in any way, shape or form as it happened to me. My last ex mother in law was a total nightmare as well, she was toxic and overprotective with my ex girlfriend (who is the meanest person i´ve even known but thats another story) so this lady (i live in south america and somehow i don´t look as most people as i´m a white very lighted skin guy) didn´t like that i wasn´t more "tanned" and she just loved to hate me because i make a living as a musician, so she invented every excuse in the book to hate me.. from telling my ex that i was probably a drug addict , broke and so on.... wich is funny because my ex knew that i´ve never ever done drugs, that i´m and health exercise freak and that i´m at the top of my profession in financially, very far away from playing in a park for pennies... still she hated me for being too white, they even had a nickname for me that related to milk or something like that... not fun for sure, what a low level human beings like the ones you are dealing with Thing is that their "precious daugther" was the most superficial, bimbo, and ugliest (on the inside) person i´ve met in my life, i came to realize that later on... and altough it´s over and still hurt i cannot imagine myself living with her on the long run and much less with a mother in law that made me feel guilty for beeing "too white" or for not having the job she would love me to... Optimist, the thing i´m worried in your situation is that, like i said before, these people might destroy your self steem and make you feel misserable and months for weeks and even months like they did to me.... you should NOT put ou with that insanity and should feel sorry for them for being so basic, primitive and plain pathetic in the way they think. As for your boyfriend, or ex boyfriend now... you have to run the other way!!! you don´t need a guy who´s mentally making you feel bad for absolutely NO reason... and if he really loved you he would not have cared one bit about his mother... he´s weak, and you do not need someone like that in your life DO NOT let these people affect you, even if you have get out of the ralationship do it... you don´t deserve to be treated this way, leave them alone in their own misery. sending hugs and love your way CCfan, Thank-you so much for sharing your story. That sounds like it must have been a very traumatic experience for you. I felt bad about his parents judging me without even meeting me, but I can only imagine what it must have been like for you to be in the presence of people that are hostile to you for no good reason except that your skin is not the right color....something you have absolutely no control over (unless you were Michael Jackson, but that's another story). The more I hear other people's stories, the more I'm starting to believe that it's a good thing that I never had to be in his mother's presence. We're completely broken up at this point. And I AM running the other way. I'm actually very proud of myself because I have not reached out to him since we broke up, which was 4 days ago. I kind of feel like an addict of sorts, in rehab, trying to keep clean on day at a time. But so far, so good. I've started writing in a journal to get all my thoughts down on paper and it's been the best thing for me. Writing can be great therapy. Anyway, he didn't think it would work out in the long run because of the stress that his mother would have placed on the relationship. I will admit, my self-esteem did get bruised, but I have to just keep on living as the best person I know how to be and I refuse to let his mother's hatred and his weakness take hold of my life. As some other people who commented on this thread said, I deserve better! Great advice, CCfan! Link to post Share on other sites
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