Stranger in Our Home breaking up the family

[Scorpio90]

Our landlord has a tendency to hire homeless people or crackheads for cheap labor on the house. He hired this dude who came to do some work the tuesday right before the new year of 2011. Two days later i come home & i see his clothes & bags on the floor of our backroom...he's living in our home now! I was outraged that my mother didnt even mention anything or consult me or my little brother (whos 14) before moving a complete stranger in. She asked us how we felt about him living there like a week later and we told her it wasnt cool...i was very uncomfortable with that decision. She ignored our words & he has been living there ever since. I was so opposed to this & still am.

 

We've had 2 big verbal fights about it & the 2nd time, it became more serious when i brought the hammer out of my car (ready to use it on him) bcuz he was really angry (with liquor in his system) about me going to his father's house to speak about his situation. I just wanted to know where he came from since he's a complete stranger to me. He was acting kinda crazy that night, slamming chairs down, yelling & cussing. He told me that I could leave (as in move out) in front of my mother & she didnt say anything which really pissed me off. He had only been there a month by then.

 

My little brother has expressed himself about this situation several times (crying every time) & its like the words went over my mother's head. She'z not listening to us & refuses to put him out or just take him to a shelter. To top things off, she had the audacity to encourage him to make a pass @ me. Of course, i rejected him but when i came to her about (not knowing that it was her idea) she laughed & asked why i dont try to get to know him. I felt insulted & betrayed ina sense. Recently, i've found out that they have been intimate & having relations with 1 another. He walks around like he owns our house when he doesnt even have a job or any kinda of asset to his name for that matter.

 

Im sick of this. I want to move out but its not a smart decision when im striving to get my bachelors in college. I have 1 more year of this bull**** & im building up more n more resentment for my mother everyday. I try to stay away from home as much as possible but i dont always have a place to go. When i do come home, im always watched as if IM the stranger. I give alot of attitude bcuz i dont believe in walking around like everything is ok when its not. I dont think my mother cares but lately she'z been cracking down on me. She'z banned me from the house pc n put me ona ****ing curfew. Im 20 years old and a fairly damn repsonsible 1 at that! *sigh* How will i get thru this for 1 more year?

[Scorpio90]

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what?......

[Eve]

Get your sibling to tell a teacher at school. They should be bound legally to do the rest, especially if he says that he does not want to return home.

 

Your Mum is an ineffective parent.

 

Please keep in touch.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Goldenspoon]

Get your sibling to tell a teacher at school. They should be bound legally to do the rest, especially if he says that he does not want to return home.

 

Your Mum is an ineffective parent.

 

Please keep in touch.

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

If this "stranger" is over 18, I don't think the teachers can do anything about the mother moving his boyfriend or friend with benefit into the house.

[Eve]

If this "stranger" is over 18, I don't think the teachers can do anything about the mother moving his boyfriend or friend with benefit into the house.

 

The 14 year old is the priority here. It sounds like he has seen a lot of things he should not have and if he does tell a teacher they may need to report this; suspected substance misuser living in the house etc. A Police check need to be completed on this person. Maybe it is not enough stuff to get Mum to become forced by Social Care to make a decision; either choose this man or her child... but the power balance will shift.

 

People tend to act differently when they know they can be observed by an external body, whether it is school or Social Care.

 

I just don't want the young people in this situation to keep it to themselves.

 

Do you have any suggestions?

 

Take care,

Eve x

Edited March 23, 2011 by Eve

[Goldenspoon]

 

I just don't want the young people in this situation to keep it to themselves.

 

Do you have any suggestions?

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

Unless they are doing anything illegal or having sex on the kitchen table while knowing that the kids are few feets away in the living room wathing TV, there is not much anyone can do about two consenting adults having sex, even IF she's 58 and he's 18 and regardless how old or young his kids are.

 

For example, if your 50 year old divorced daughther who has few teenagers living at home and she is also moving his 20 year old black boyfriend into the house and they are having loud sex every night before falling asleep and you don't like it, it's nothing you can do legally.

[Scorpio90]

He plans on informing somebody at his school...our mother and his father are divorced from each other. He's been trying to go stay with his father, but claims that my mother is taking her time on signing those papers he needs for court.

[Scorpio90]

The only rule she'z breaking at this point is the section 8 housing rule that says no one who's not listed in their documents should be living in the house. He would have to be included in the paperwork & she didnt let them know anything about a new person in the house (she doesnt intend on it either)...

[Memphis Raines]

so basically your mother is cracking down on you, her own son, but bringing a possible crackhead scumbag into the home. Let alone simply someone she probably just met. Is she desperate or something?

 

Your mother is choosing some stranger, who could be a serial killer or child molestor for all she knows, over her own sons. As a father who loves his sons, this burns me up big time!!

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Call Child Protective Services. This is child abuse, indirectly or not.

[Eve]

Unless they are doing anything illegal or having sex on the kitchen table while knowing that the kids are few feets away in the living room wathing TV, there is not much anyone can do about two consenting adults having sex, even IF she's 58 and he's 18 and regardless how old or young his kids are.

 

For example, if your 50 year old divorced daughther who has few teenagers living at home and she is also moving his 20 year old black boyfriend into the house and they are having loud sex every night before falling asleep and you don't like it, it's nothing you can do legally.

 

Please can you clarify why your view is as such? I am interested in case there is a cultual difference between Social Care here and Social Care in the USA you see. In the UK the emphasis is on prevention. Bottom line - the child is unhappy and has a person living in the home who is unidentified. There is the 'Hidden Men Agenda' which pretty much covers this situation. In many Serious Case Reviews (where a child has died) 'hidden men' were the cause of the death. According to the OP, Mum is hiding this man.

 

I am not saying that the child is going to die but a Police Check needs to be undertaken to ascertain who the hell this man is. It doesn't matter about what Mum is up to sexually at this point. That comes later. We need to know who he is. He could be a paedo. He may be on Probation.. who knows?

 

Schools are a main source of referring concerns to Social Care because they tend to see kids everyday. If the child was to say that he does not want to go home because of this person, that should raise alarm bells enough for at the basic level Social Care to do a Police Check on this person. Hopefully the school will put in place some support for the young person also.. you know, allocating a teacher to make sure this child is ok and engaged with his schooling, activities and has someone to talk to.

 

Anyhow, I hope that both of these young people find a way to live in peace and be protected... but no, we should NEVER wait until something happens.. NEVER EVER EVER.

 

This situation is a disgrace.

 

Take care,

Eve x

Edited March 24, 2011 by Eve

[Goldenspoon]

so basically your mother is cracking down on you, her own son, but bringing a possible crackhead scumbag into the home. Let alone simply someone she probably just met. Is she desperate or something?

 

Your mother is choosing some stranger, who could be a serial killer or child molestor for all she knows, over her own sons. As a father who loves his sons, this burns me up big time!!

 

I think the original poster is a girl. She was talking about how this stranger was hitting on her.

 

I have a question for the original poster, is this stranger black? What about your mom?

[Dating Single]

That's not your business!

[aerogurl87]

I agree with Eve. Get your little brother to tell a teacher or counselor at school what's going on. The fact that he was drunk and throwing chairs in a rage is enough to warrant Social Services to look into this man. Add in the fact that your mother is violating a Section 8 rule and you pretty much have enough ammo to look into having this man removed.

[tinktronik]

Please can you clarify why your view is as such? I am interested in case there is a cultual difference between Social Care here and Social Care in the USA you see. In the UK the emphasis is on prevention. Bottom line - the child is unhappy and has a person living in the home who is unidentified. There is the 'Hidden Men Agenda' which pretty much covers this situation. In many Serious Case Reviews (where a child has died) 'hidden men' were the cause of the death. According to the OP, Mum is hiding this man.

 

I am not saying that the child is going to die but a Police Check needs to be undertaken to ascertain who the hell this man is. It doesn't matter about what Mum is up to sexually at this point. That comes later. We need to know who he is. He could be a paedo. He may be on Probation.. who knows?

 

Schools are a main source of referring concerns to Social Care because they tend to see kids everyday. If the child was to say that he does not want to go home because of this person, that should raise alarm bells enough for at the basic level Social Care to do a Police Check on this person. Hopefully the school will put in place some support for the young person also.. you know, allocating a teacher to make sure this child is ok and engaged with his schooling, activities and has someone to talk to.

 

Anyhow, I hope that both of these young people find a way to live in peace and be protected... but no, we should NEVER wait until something happens.. NEVER EVER EVER.

 

This situation is a disgrace.

 

Take care,

Eve x

In the US the system is not set to prevention. It is set to allow the freedoms of parents to parent as they see fit within the set of laws in place, without disturbing the family unnecessarily, unless a "rule" has been broken to bring you to the attention of the system.

 

In this case, there would be a welfare check (at some point) after Social Services was contacted. Unless the mother was deemed to be behaving dangerously as in having a child molester in the home, abusing the child (it is stipulated by state what constitutes abuse and is usually that there must be visible proof of physical abuse) or neglecting the child (i.e. leaving the child without resources to eat or find a way to procure food) the case would be closed as unfounded. It does not sound as if an abuse that fits the criteria by law in the US is happening.

 

The mother may not be doing what is in her children's best interest here and it does not sound like the greatest living situation, but it does not sound as if there is anything qualifying protective services to step in and disturb this family. Mom can move whomever she wants into the home and as long as there is no provable physical or sexual abuse there will be very little interference.

[Eve]

In the US the system is not set to prevention. It is set to allow the freedoms of parents to parent as they see fit within the set of laws in place, without disturbing the family unnecessarily, unless a "rule" has been broken to bring you to the attention of the system.

 

In this case, there would be a welfare check (at some point) after Social Services was contacted. Unless the mother was deemed to be behaving dangerously as in having a child molester in the home, abusing the child (it is stipulated by state what constitutes abuse and is usually that there must be visible proof of physical abuse) or neglecting the child (i.e. leaving the child without resources to eat or find a way to procure food) the case would be closed as unfounded. It does not sound as if an abuse that fits the criteria by law in the US is happening.

 

The mother may not be doing what is in her children's best interest here and it does not sound like the greatest living situation, but it does not sound as if there is anything qualifying protective services to step in and disturb this family. Mom can move whomever she wants into the home and as long as there is no provable physical or sexual abuse there will be very little interference.

 

Ok, thank you very much for taking the time to clarify.

 

I could not imagine that there woud be that much difference. Yeah, same sort of set up here, except all agencies have the same responsibility if a child approaches them with concerns. Basically we had a few child deaths which changed the system to that of equal safeguarding responsibility of all agencies. This came about after referrals to Social Care doubled in the wake of these child deaths. The referral process is the same and the thresholds for intervention by Social Care are HIGH but we are attempting to deal with matters as early as possible nowadays.

 

Hence, yes it is doubtful that Social Care would get involved unless something on those initial checks came up as being a cause for concern; partner is found to be on Probation for something which is a risk to others.. but they would still advise the school and KEEP A RECORD. This is what the main emphasis was within my post.

 

I just did not want the OP to carry this on her own.

 

Do you have any advice for the OP?

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Scorpio90]

I think the original poster is a girl. She was talking about how this stranger was hitting on her.

 

I have a question for the original poster, is this stranger black? What about your mom?

 

lol ur right...i am a female. Yes, he did try to hit on me (flirt).

Im black, so is my mother & this new "boyfriend" she has... Im a very family-oriented person so its a lil more complicated than this. If the cause of him leaving is because of me n my brother complaining to outside sources, she may hold a grudge against us. I actually care about our relationship....but at this point, its kinda ****ed up anyway. This man is driving a wedge between us... My little brother is very sensitive (emotionally) n is now thinking that our mother doesnt love him anymore smh. I wish this never happened, but it did. N now im faced with what to do....im waiting on a response from my brother as to what the counselor at school told him to do.

 

P.S. I actually spoke to someone at the university i attend n she advised me to call the police just to inform them of the potential threat in our home. Basically, they cant do anything until something serious happens...

[Scorpio90]

In the US the system is not set to prevention. It is set to allow the freedoms of parents to parent as they see fit within the set of laws in place, without disturbing the family unnecessarily, unless a "rule" has been broken to bring you to the attention of the system.

 

In this case, there would be a welfare check (at some point) after Social Services was contacted. Unless the mother was deemed to be behaving dangerously as in having a child molester in the home, abusing the child (it is stipulated by state what constitutes abuse and is usually that there must be visible proof of physical abuse) or neglecting the child (i.e. leaving the child without resources to eat or find a way to procure food) the case would be closed as unfounded. It does not sound as if an abuse that fits the criteria by law in the US is happening.

 

The mother may not be doing what is in her children's best interest here and it does not sound like the greatest living situation, but it does not sound as if there is anything qualifying protective services to step in and disturb this family. Mom can move whomever she wants into the home and as long as there is no provable physical or sexual abuse there will be very little interference.

 

Excellent point...unfortunately *sigh* i cant stand this double-standards bull****. Im a GAY female. My mother doesnt approve of my sexual preference n she doesnt want my lifestyle to be projected onto her which is why i try to keep it away from her as much as possible. But her moving a stranger in (bcuz she likes him) is very unacceptable is my opinion. She calls me spiteful bcuz of my attitude towards her lately, but shes doing the same.

[tinktronik]

Excellent point...unfortunately *sigh* i cant stand this double-standards bull****. Im a GAY female. My mother doesnt approve of my sexual preference n she doesnt want my lifestyle to be projected onto her which is why i try to keep it away from her as much as possible. But her moving a stranger in (bcuz she likes him) is very unacceptable is my opinion. She calls me spiteful bcuz of my attitude towards her lately, but shes doing the same.

 

OP, my only advice would be that if your mom or her new friend become violent in any way to contact the police for you and your siblings protection. While I don't feel it is the best mothering to move an unknown man into a situation with children involved I don't know that there is much else you can do.