He says he loves me but I am always the one initiating contact.Help! (new to forum)

[zephyr]

This is my first time posting, so I'd like to say hi to everybody in the forum. It's quite a place you guys have here! (I hope you can help me with your insights!)

I am (or rather, have been having) a dilemma regarding my dear long distance 'darling'. We met (funnily) through match.com and I believe that he truly is my soul mate in every sense of the word. We are both intellectually curious, love the same books, have had the same upbringing, and get along so well that it sometimes scares me. We do live far apart (he is soon moving to accept a job as head of cardiothoracic surgery at a hospital 3 hours away from my place of residence) and often talks of long-term commitment, marriage, and even kids. I find this rather adorable and can imagine myself marrying him. He is, as mentioned, a prominent heart surgeon and great-looking to boot. There are however a few stumbling blocks I am faced with. The first is that he is quite a bit older than me (I am 22 and he is 40). Although this doesn't even pose a problem in my mind, I am often left to wonder how seriously he is taking me. The second (and MAJOR) issue I have with him is that I am often the one sending emails and initiating contact. I have pulled the "no contact" stunt on a few occasions since I hate the feeling of 'chasing after him'. It's not pleasant and makes one feel absolutely worthless. When I do stop calling and emailing however, he panicks and asks in amazement how I could possibly think that he does not care about me. This absolutely drives me bonkers and I am honestly at my wit's end. I love him dearly and God knows that I cannot bear not calling him, but my inexperienced heart will not take another episode of his total indifference. Should I stop calling and emailing cold-turkey and without an explanation? (Seems a bit cruel to me) Should I forget about him? (I don't know if I could do it even if I wanted to). Please, if you have been in this situation before, advise me... enlighten me... I'm about to lose it!

 

Thanks guys!

[Arabess]

Whereas some men are not as prone to make as many contacts with a female as she would like, in a relationship there is still a reponsiblity to on his part to make you feel loved and wanted. If it really bothers you, and it would bother me, I would be upfront and tell him. If he doesn't respond...then he is not the 'soulmate' which you think you have found. It's better to find it out now, rather than later.

 

I know it's hard to intiate such a conversations.....but what else can you do but let him know how you feel??

[moimeme]

What is his reason for not making contact? Everything I've ever heard about physicians seems to indicate that they have insanely busy lives.

[zephyr]

Thank you Arabess and moimeme for taking the time to reply. Much appreciated.

To answer your question: I am aware that he is a physician and have never even complained about his business, lack of time and, shall we say, unwillingness to maintain contact.

It isn't his busy schedule because he has had periods where he would call me twice a day and write emails incessantly. Whereas I call and write, he mostly just replies (when he does :-)) in this monosyllabic fashion. When I stop calling and emailing, he complains and says he misses me. On the one hand, every time we talk, we have this great rapport, but on the other hand, I am sick of feeling insecure about constantly pining away for his attention. When all is said and done, I don't want to confront him and look like a needy and clingy sap, but I also think it would be decent of him to at least find the time to write two lines of text once in a while. That isn't too much to ask for, is it?

[moimeme]

No, but what does he say when you raise this issue with him?

[zephyr]

I've never raised the issue before for fear of appearing too clingy. That is why I am asking you guys for advice on how to proceed. I'm at my wit's end when it comes to this nightmare...

[moimeme]

OK, then. If he has no idea this bothers you, how can he fix it? It isn't clingy to ask for fair reciprocation. It is clingy if you demand someone give you more than you are giving, but to ask for him to reciprocate in kind is not clingy at all. It's asking for equal participation in the relationship.

 

So communicate with this guy. He can't read your mind.

[Arabess]

Yeah.....what Moimeme said!!!

 

Also, you might want to remind him that LDR's take a little extra work in the way of communicating. Just tell him that hearing from him is like a 'hug' and you need a couple now and then.

[zephyr]

Thank you guys! I appreciate the advice immensely although I think I will ignore him for a few more days just to give him a taste of what it feels like (sheepish grin).

I'm still a bit apprehensive about bringing up this issue, but it seems I will have to. If I don't, his indifference will kill me...

[moimeme]

give him a taste of what it feels like

 

This never works. People pretty much never think to themselves 'oh this must be what it feels like to X'. It's silly and a waste of time.

[zephyr]

Hmm... very well then...

I do see your point, but a part of me wants to make him suffer nonetheless. Aren't I cruel? (not nearly as cruel as him) Thanks moimeme. You're a sweetheart. (will follow your advice)

[moimeme]

part of me wants to make him suffer

 

mmm I see. Make somebody suffer (which he won't notice) for having committed a crime he didn't know he was committing, eh? You maybe want to rethink that one!

[zephyr]

Call me absolutely insane, but I broke up with him a few hours ago. I don't think the magnitude of what I've done has hit me yet... (There were other issues which I won't go into on a public forum). Am I crazy for doing this???

[DerangedAngel]

Call me absolutely insane, but I broke up with him a few hours ago. I don't think the magnitude of what I've done has hit me yet... (There were other issues which I won't go into on a public forum). Am I crazy for doing this???

 

Um, I would think without knowing the other issues it's not possible for us to tell you whether or not WE (keyword) think you made a mistake. If it's what you wanted, then you're not crazy for doing it are you?

 

-Deranged

[lady104]

Well done for being brave enough to end the one-way contact.

 

It should never be this way. "Next time", try not to contact quite so much, and do play hard to get right from the beginning. It doesn't work later on, they only think something drastic's suddenly happened.

[zephyr]

lady104, thank you for the encouragement... Frankly, I don't know how to feel ever since reality of the breakup set in. He is an amazing man and I miss hearing his voice, but deep down, I know that the whole relationship was doomed from the very beginning. In retrospect, I should have been less "available" and perhaps a bit more coy but I never knew how to play mindgames and may never learn how to... It's just hard accepting that it's over...

Man, I'm about to start bawling

Thank you guys for your help and comments. I need some hugs right now

[lady104]

Aww, big-time hugs coming from me! At least you have definitely done the right thing now. Mind games always seem ridiculous, because why should you have to 'emotionally cheat' someone you're head-over-heels in love with. The hard truth is it's the only way to start a relationship, methinks! Anyways, take care, now get offline and find a guy who's worthy of your love and attention, and who makes you feel like a Princess, without the slightest effort on your part!