7.5 years and abruptly over, because of claimed loss of attraction?

[Crazybanana]

My girlfriend broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. We had been going out for 7.5 years, and have never had any fights or broken up before. The details are as follows. She is losing weight by going to the gym with her friend, she goes out to bars now with her friend. Im not even sure if this has anything to do with it. She is not seeing another person, and hasnt been and has never cheated. She says she is not attracted to me anymore, and maybe its been a year since she has felt this way but she cant be sure. She has done things though that say otherwise in my opinion. I had to do an update on the cable router on the computer at her house and while i was doing it i had to do a search on a search engine. I saw that she had been looking up depo provera shots and condoms and stuff after we broke up. We havent had sex in over a year because the last time we did, she thought she was pregnant, and it scared us, so we just didnt do it anymore. She says this has nothing to do with the attraction issue, but I would think maybe it subconsciously does. Ive been told by people i have asked advice from that i should do the the no contact thing. I know I have to do that now, and its going to be my goal. She said she is never going to go back out with me because shes not attracted to me anymore. So is this it? Why is she looking up birth control? I guess its hard to give advice because its usually per situation. But from what ive written does it sound like its real, and its too late? If you want more details, I'll post them.

[fitguy365]

I am sorry to hear what your going through, i too am going through a break up (5 years). Anyway, to me it sounds like she is interested, or is having a relationship with someone else. Since she started going to the gym, she is probably getting alot of attention from males at the gym.

[bittersweet]

I was told almost the same thing from my b/f of 6 years. He said he wasntn't happy anymore and fell out of love with me. The only difference is that he was actually cheating for the last 3 months. It kills me inside and he broke up with me just yesterday. He claims it has nothing to do with the other girl but just wants a break b/c he doesn't know if he can be happy with me.

 

The no contact thing... it is a hard hard thing to follow. I will tell you, if she happens to call you DO NOT ANSWER. Actions speak much louder than words. Here is why. My b/f (X) tried calling last night and I DID NOT ANSWER. He called again today and I DID NOT ANSWER. Unfortunately, I became the fool and text messaged him before and he didn't write me back. Now HE has all the power. I can't tell you how much I regret giving in. Just remember this: by her not speaking to you or being able to conversate with you- she will realize the loss much stronger than if the two of you spoke. You can almost definitely expect her to call and try to be your friend and you have to be strong. I learned my lesson the hard way. I let my b/f get the best of me and he broke my heart 2 weeks later. It is a cycle that will be created ONLY if you allow it to.

 

You two were together a long time and like my relationship, people take advantage of what they have until it is gone. If things were meant to be, you will know. Do not be the foolish one to force things into a situation that may not be possible. Be my strength in this. I just made the mistake of giving all the control back to the one who hurt me. I even left him a message crying because it bothered that he didn't care that I was contacting him. Let her walk away from things without looking at you as a pain in the a**.

 

Her excuse with attraction will never last. She will see that on her own. You were not with her all these years to be a nice thing to look at. A relationship is made from a lot more than that. She will see that one day. DO NOT WARN HER OF ANYTHING THAT TIME AWAY WILL HIT HER IN THE FACE WITH!!!!

 

Be strong... it is your only option.

[Arabess]

I don't know Toy...if she admitted she had reservations about her feelings for you and there was no sex for a year....then as soon as you guys break up and there is indication she is going to resume her sex life elsewhere....then what could she possibly say to you to make you feel better or to clarify the issue???

 

Sometimes, people DO lose the attraction they had initially. This is why the divorce rate is so high. It just happens.

 

Does it make it any easier to accept when it happens to you? No, not at all. It's VERY hard to to take rejection. I'ts painful and lonely....but we all get thru it.

 

Whether you continue trying to talk to her or not is your personal choice. It's doubtful it will change the end result....at least not for now. Maybe down the road she will realize that she has made a mistake. That's only a MAYBE though....

 

Love just sucks sometimes.

[hurtingandconfused]

and maybe its been a year since she has felt this way but she cant be sure

 

 

Is this a common break up line or what? Cuz I got same thing

 

 

So is this it?

 

For right now it is. Time will tell.

[Crazybanana]

Well thanks for all the replies. I going to wait it out a little and see what happens. I have no desire for anyother girls nor did i when we were going out. It sounds weird but I never really had any interest in looking at other girls because i was happy. I've just gotten used to that I guess. I guess that was my mistake, but I never really intended this. I do know however that she isnt in a relationship with anyone, although i can say if shes eyeing someone. I can't predict what will happen, this could be the end fo the realtionship. I don't want to be around her as just friends, at least not initially. I think that may convince her that is going to work out with us just being friends. As long as weve been together i cant really see it lasting, but then again it could. I'm just going to sit back and try to forget about it as much as i can. Thanks again for the replies

[faux]

This girl did not have sex with you for over a year before you broke up. After she broke up with you, you noticed that she was searching for contraceptive methods.

 

The no sex for a year seems suspicious, and it seems highly possible that she had been cheating on you. She could have looked up the information on birth control for any number of reasons, but it is also possible that she is definitely wanting to move on with other people, having broken up with you.

 

She has ended the relationship with you and I would recommend not seeing her or speaking to her until you fully get over this. The more contact you have with her, the worse you are going to make things for yourself. Imagine if you found out something you did not want to know, because you were still trying to incorporate her into your life?

 

She had every right to end things with you, and her sex life, among other things, is no longer something you should concern yourself with. Cutting her out of your life would be a good thing. It is up to her, and only her, to change her mind if she ever decides to.

[Crazybanana]

I'm positive she wasnt cheating on me, she had no opportunity to. Oh well

[hurtingandconfused]

it seems highly possible that she had been cheating on you

 

Don't let it haunt you. If you believe that she didn't cheat she didn't. Unless she told otherwise, you don't have to worry about it.

 

"forget about it"

[ace6061]

Toy,

I am going through something similar. There are two big problems I can see and nether of them are with you. First, (assuming she is about the same age as you) you two started dating young. This means that she is wondering what else is out there. I have spoken to a lot of women that have done this early in thier life and it seems that a lot of people think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Also the fact that she is losing weight and going out to bars means something. This has probable lead to more guys talking to her. Maybe this is the first time she has received this kind of attention. Something to think of, is that for if one of these reasons or not she has been tempted enough to leave you. At least she left you before she cheated on you. If that were the cause your pain would probably be worse. Try to think of the fact that this is what she needed to do for herself. If she had not done this know she may have done it after you two were married and/or had kids. I know it is hard to rationalize now but no matter what happens this is a good thing for you. If you guys don’t get back together then it was the sooner the better because she would have done it latter any way. If you guys do get back together it will be because she has learnt that you were the guy for her. Understand that it could go either way so try not to hold on to the hope of getting back together. I know how hard this is but remember that it is what is best for you. Right now she is thinking about herself and for that reason so should you.

 

P.S.

Listen to hurtingandconfused because he is not that confused.

 

Don't let it haunt you. If you believe that she didn't cheat she didn't. Unless she told otherwise, you don't have to worry about it.

 

If you start believing that it is just going to eat you alive.

[Crazybanana]

Well you have hit on more things she has said, and yes we started dating young. You are probably right, that if she was wondering its best not to always wonder, but to just do it. Although I hope she keeps her judgement and doesnt have sex with someone else, it would be pretty cool. I think as it is now, if she did do that, I coiuld still go out with her again. I had sex with a girl before we started dating, and she had never had sex before, so she was very hurt when she found out i had. I have always regreted this just because she was so hurt and I had wished I had waited. For myself too, not just her. I found that she was my true love and it was what i wanted. So I will take your advice. I wont wait around, or at least wont pester her, but I'll leave my options open in case this is just her trying to see what its like and if she thinks she really needs me. I wont sit at home and wait for her to call up and ask to go out. Thanks for the support and advice

[flutterby]

Toy,

 

I thought he hated me, wanted to kill me, I was scared, I got restraining orders but rarely reported any of violence, I felt for him, I didn't want him to get in trouble, but I never saw this side of him, I didn't know he was capable of such horrible things, and I didn't know what to expect. I had my brother move in with me. I worked and went home, I was in no mood to have fun, not to mention our closest friends felt he needed them more than I did, so they felt they needed to choose and I said I understood, I wanted it that way if it had to be like that, I was worried about him and wanted to make sure he had watchful eyes and soft shoulders near by. I wish he didn't have to be so macho, and I wish I would have recognized his actions for what they really were back when it was going on, but that's the beauty of it baby. I wanted flowers and a love letter, a meal in a real restaurant with cloth napkins and candlelight (just the two of us), for him to get a license, a job, an education, to use his talents to his benefit and mine and to put a ring on my finger with money he worked hard to earn, that would have been a better way to deliver the message in my opinion, then maybe it wouldn't have confused things so much, maybe I would have been able to see what I was looking for all along, like I knew I had found in him before. I knew he had problems, emotional ones, so did I. Neither of us had perfect childhoods, but not nearly the worst ones either, but we both knew suffering from an early age. I was willing to help him pull through it and myself too, I wanted us to overcome the traumas we endured and blossom into "the success story", I mean you just don't know what I wouldn't do for this guy. Nothing was too great a challenge for us, I worried his family life was what prevented him from his potential, or an illness, or black mold or some sort of mold since he slept in the leaky damp basement that sometimes had weird mushrooms growing along the inside corner wall, possibly pollution sensitivity from all the rust and heavy metals in our Gary steel mill air. Whatever it was that was wrong with him I would never let myself think he was using me, and I knew we could pull through it together, and boy was I as faithful as they come, we were tight, I wouldn't let anyone put him down, he was my king. I never missed a day without seeing him from the time I was just fifteen till I was 22. We made a lot of memories, more than I thought possible to remember, but it's funny how suddenly every moment in detail like a split second ago winds its way into your head and back into your heart leaving you with confusion and emptiness like you never thought possible. He got this girl, who I never knew before, pregnant, and married her, just a year or so after our breakup. She was almost due and he was still harassing me, though I did not know of her existence at the time, he managed to keep it from spreading around our small town, where we knew many people. It wasn't until our court date for his hearing for violating our order of restraint that had been in effect for more than a year, that I saw her for the first time, he told the court she was his fiancé, I had no emotions good or bad, sort of sad like why are you still doing this to me if you have moved on to something new? I was also pretty mad that he damaged my car so bad, and acted like he wanted to kill me instead of showing me how much he loved me and just couldn't live without me with something nice. I knew he didn't have any money, but we could figure that part out between the two of us, we were both friendly, talented people. I don't know why I was unaffected by any of it until now that he is on his, his second child, but it hit me like a **** ton of bricks boy. I don't even know what it is I miss. Maybe the name calling, missing money, lonely nights left alone, lonely days when he slept after being up playing games all night, double the dirty laundry, the video tape I found of me in the bathtub, or the other girls he flaunted in my face of having been with, or was it the sex we had stopped having after I lost my only pregnancy when I just turned 18 after we broke up when I got the call from my best girlfriend back home that 2000 miles away was my "lonely" boyfriend and some sluty whore mother-to-be (due date 4 months away, by some other guy) getting’ it on. The two-timin’ news brought on the worst period I had ever had, I was devastated, to the point I never came right out and told him that I knew that was why I was bleeding everyday for more than a year. I knew I was supposed to go and get scraped regularly, I think I lost it in my mind, I was holding on to something that was no longer there, kind of as I am for him now. I am no good under stress, I knew I was pregnant, and my family had just moved to Phoenix and he came with and then didn't want to work, had words with my mom and jumped a bus home. I foolishly chased him and went to live with his family with nothing but a suitcase full of clothes, left my car, pets, family, just a month from my 18th birthday, but nothing else mattered. He never remarked about 5 or 10 pounds, I guess he didn't notice. I wanted to wait to say anything to anyone until I knew I would be safe from having to even have talks about abortion, since I wanted this baby, I knew he would too, and that would probably be all he needed to motivate him to do the things I knew he was capable of. I planned on flying to Phoenix and driving my car back to Indiana, my plans happened sooner than I expected because my bird of 11 years flew away and I wanted desperately to find him, I left December 10th, a month pregnant. January 20th I had my first doctor’s visit and told there were two heartbeats heard, I was scared and excited to get back home to Indiana, so I started working to save money. I was excited to give him the good news but wanted to see his face when I did it so I waited. Another month had begun and I got that call I mentioned, 2 weeks and no more little heart beats grew within me, no more heartbeats seamed to be taking place anywhere inside me. I continued to pack on the pounds, like if I ate for three they would come back. I think I resented him so much because of this, and I couldn't be away from him either, he came back a month or so later, lied and said they only kissed, with closed mouths, it sounded good, I wanted to believe him so I did, until about a year before I left, when his best guy friends “now” wife, “then” sort of friend that he sort of could not stand, came over looking for a guy living at our house, she happened to be the whore's friend from back then when it happened, and she seemed to think I knew what had really transpired, after that day I did. I was mixed up all over again, and then had to make him tell me, and admit to not using a condom since she was already knocked up, and yada yada. Not good. So there you have it. The year that lead to our ending, the whole screwed up story, make of it what you will. I did not mention we had so many good times, great times, of course or I would be a total idiot or you must think really ugly, which in fact my better than average looks and habit of innocent flirting made it easier to leave, I had confidence that if love was out there I could find it. He only loved me for a few weeks, crying and acting madly in love, but with too much psycho for me at the time. Then came the hate so strong he wanted me dead or badly hurt, he just didn't give us an opportunity to make up. We could have. I hadn't slept with anyone for over a year, didn't date at all for over a year. Why didn't he allow me a little space? Rescue me? He knew he was the only one that could rescue me, he holds the key to my heart, nothing he ever did was ever wrong enough to be too wrong with me, and we could get past anything. I can't believe I ever thought to part from him, I guess that is what I get for leaving my man. I loved him for everything he was, no matter what anybody thought. I was sad thinking my life is ruined and I have to live this long life without him and that we will never be together again and so on and so on, then I thought **** that, if we are meant to be together we will be no matter what and that I would make a wonderful step mom to his kids and how they would love me and me them, and how his future ex-wife would even be happier and in a fulfilling new marriage and our family would grow and we would be a happy family with big parties and our family would support us and be happy for our reunion and we'd be awarded for our true love that battles great storms no other love could sustain. Yep, freaky. Nuts. I want him to know his kids, and things probably wouldn't be so hunky dory, he'd resent me, leave me, hate me, blame me for ruining his life, again. I would ruin probably the best thing that ever happened to either of us. He has experienced something far greater than I have yet to imagine, he might really be in love with his wife and they may have a terrific thing going on, or maybe he still wants to do things to get to me, how arrogant you think, but that’s not why I think that, I think it because I wish it, in a way. I am really torn here. If I knew he wanted me and felt his life wouldn't be complete without me I'm afraid of what I might do. That sucks man. We are talking a lot of peoples lives getting touched here, and I can't say for sure what I would do, wow. This is all hypothetical; I am too cowardly to do something of this magnitude. He is probably been over me a long time, but love from your kids is so different from the love you get from your mate, and this situation could work if we were meant to be together, no one said love is easy, it can be worth fighting for, sometimes its a tough fight, but it makes it that much stronger right? I think so. If he is happy I will let the memories be what they are, and I will finally be free to make some of my own, without him lingering in the background. See how messed up one day can bring years later when you least expect it. Hot digity dog, you just don't know, don't know.

[flutterby]

Dear Toy,

I was her 6 1/2 years ago. We too were together for 7 1/2 years when I left. We lived together for 5 of those years, 2 with my family and 3 with his. I was only 22 when I left; he was going on 24. I had also been loosing weight and regaining my self esteem when I decided I was no longer in love with him. There were a million different things going on all around us, we had a lot of weeds in our funky but beautiful garden, and then once the wrecking ball started swinging it didn't stop until nothing was standing. I guess I needed some breathing room, a little longer leash per se. This was because I knew everything there was to know about him, so I needed to make a final decision of whether or not he was the kind of person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and have a family with, because to me I could see what our future would look like, and at that time it wasn't looking pretty. I always had so much faith in him, the whole time, but he never had it for himself, and I took it that he didn’t love me like I loved him, because he didn't try building a future with me, he didn't work, finish school, get his driver's license, take responsibility for anything, but I managed to see so many good things about him despite all that sounds so terrible, and I am not a stupid woman, regardless of what you might think, I am and was hopeless and hopeful in love, that is what I was.

 

I realize now that I am 29 and emerging from these deep passages from the darkest places I have ever been; what, why, and how it all happened. I had no idea I would ever go through a grievance, I didn't feel this way until a few weeks ago, and it's the most torturing pain emotionally and physically, I can not even begin to describe. My eyes feel burnt and bleeding, pizza doesn't sound good, sunny days don't make me happy, midday cocktails have carried me happy through my recent days, none of which are normal for me. I'm married to a good man, though he may not be all things, he is everything to me. I am finally getting used to such a quiet, reliable lifestyle after 4 1/2 years of marriage and 1 1/2 years of dating. Things aren't perfect, as to be expected, nothing is, but damn near. There is no fighting, I have never been called a mean name, he is hard working, caring, talented, nice looking, just very good qualities that you look for in a person, things that many people lack, so I guess you could say a real hell of a gem. The only thing standing in the way of branding this one perfection is just as we were getting into each other, between 3-4 months into dating, he broke up with me because a girl he had liked for some 4 or 5 years had paid him a call and I suppose he felt a bit more confident to pursue this other girl, since they had never been more than friends and not regular friends at that, anyway that is why I think there will always be a gap between us, unfortunately, even though I'm told nothing developed from that and no other calls took place, but that is really a story of its own, maybe for another time.

 

Getting back to my crazy love for this sleeping giant that awoke in me...I broke up with him after a series of little tragedies, which looking back I know could have been mended with all the other patched up pieces of us we used to make our quilt of life together. When I broke up with him it was easy for me, I don't know why, I must have been crazy. I loved him so much, my eyes well up, my throat collapses, and the rivers start running just thinking about how I felt about him. I didn't date anyone for well over a year, and when I did it was for dinner and a movie and nothing else. I felt weird, wrong, like a cheater. I felt like this even though he was putting sugar in my gas tank, cutting my brake lines, loosening my lug nuts, filling my locking gas cap with super glue so I can't get it off, prank calling me, following me, yes after I broke up he got he license finally and then his parents let him use their vehicle to get him around easier to do this to me, they didn't believe me when I begged them to get him help, and that I was scared for both of us. It was a terrible break up with a vicious ending.

 

He was so involved with himself and what he was going through he didn't give me the opportunity to discover anything about me or us or give himself the opportunity either.

 

I thought he hated me, wanted to kill me, I was scared, I got restraining orders but rarely reported any of violence, I felt for him, I didn't want him to get in trouble, but I never saw this side of him, I didn't know he was capable of such horrible things, and I didn't know what to expect. I had my brother move in with me. I worked and went home, I was in no mood to have fun, not to mention our closest friends felt he needed them more than I did, so they felt they needed to choose and I said I understood, I wanted it that way if it had to be like that, I was worried about him and wanted to make sure he had watchful eyes and soft shoulders near by. I wish he didn't have to be so macho, and I wish I would have recognized his actions for what they really were back when it was going on, but that's the beauty of it baby. I wanted flowers and a love letter, a meal in a real restaurant with cloth napkins and candlelight (just the two of us), for him to get a license, a job, an education, to use his talents to his benefit and mine and to put a ring on my finger with money he worked hard to earn, that would have been a better way to deliver the message in my opinion, then maybe it wouldn't have confused things so much, maybe I would have been able to see what I was looking for all along, like I knew I had found in him before. I knew he had problems, emotional ones, so did I. Neither of us had perfect childhoods, but not nearly the worst ones either, but we both knew suffering from an early age. I was willing to help him pull through it and myself too, I wanted us to overcome the traumas we endured and blossom into "the success story", I mean you just don't know what I wouldn't do for this guy. Nothing was too great a challenge for us, I worried his family life was what prevented him from his potential, or an illness, or black mold or some sort of mold since he slept in the leaky damp basement that sometimes had weird mushrooms growing along the inside corner wall, possibly pollution sensitivity from all the rust and heavy metals in our Gary steel mill air. Whatever it was that was wrong with him I would never let myself think he was using me, and I knew we could pull through it together, and boy was I as faithful as they come, we were tight, I wouldn't let anyone put him down, he was my king. I never missed a day without seeing him from the time I was just fifteen till I was 22. We made a lot of memories, more than I thought possible to remember, but it's funny how suddenly every moment in detail like a split second ago winds its way into your head and back into your heart leaving you with confusion and emptiness like you never thought possible. He got this girl, who I never knew before, pregnant, and married her, just a year or so after our breakup. She was almost due and he was still harassing me, though I did not know of her existence at the time, he managed to keep it from spreading around our small town, where we knew many people. It wasn't until our court date for his hearing for violating our order of restraint that had been in effect for more than a year, that I saw her for the first time, he told the court she was his fiancé, I had no emotions good or bad, sort of sad like why are you still doing this to me if you have moved on to something new? I was also pretty mad that he damaged my car so bad, and acted like he wanted to kill me instead of showing me how much he loved me and just couldn't live without me with something nice. I knew he didn't have any money, but we could figure that part out between the two of us, we were both friendly, talented people. I don't know why I was unaffected by any of it until now that he is on his, his second child, but it hit me like a **** ton of bricks boy. I don't even know what it is I miss. Maybe the name calling, missing money, lonely nights left alone, lonely days when he slept after being up playing games all night, double the dirty laundry, the video tape I found of me in the bathtub, or the other girls he flaunted in my face of having been with, or was it the sex we had stopped having after I lost my only pregnancy when I just turned 18 after we broke up when I got the call from my best girlfriend back home that 2000 miles away was my "lonely" boyfriend and some sluty whore mother-to-be (due date 4 months away, by some other guy) getting’ it on. The two-timin’ news brought on the worst period I had ever had, I was devastated, to the point I never came right out and told him that I knew that was why I was bleeding everyday for more than a year. I knew I was supposed to go and get scraped regularly, I think I lost it in my mind, I was holding on to something that was no longer there, kind of as I am for him now. I am no good under stress, I knew I was pregnant, and my family had just moved to Phoenix and he came with and then didn't want to work, had words with my mom and jumped a bus home. I foolishly chased him and went to live with his family with nothing but a suitcase full of clothes, left my car, pets, family, just a month from my 18th birthday, but nothing else mattered. He never remarked about 5 or 10 pounds, I guess he didn't notice. I wanted to wait to say anything to anyone until I knew I would be safe from having to even have talks about abortion, since I wanted this baby, I knew he would too, and that would probably be all he needed to motivate him to do the things I knew he was capable of. I planned on flying to Phoenix and driving my car back to Indiana, my plans happened sooner than I expected because my bird of 11 years flew away and I wanted desperately to find him, I left December 10th, a month pregnant. January 20th I had my first doctor’s visit and told there were two heartbeats heard, I was scared and excited to get back home to Indiana, so I started working to save money. I was excited to give him the good news but wanted to see his face when I did it so I waited. Another month had begun and I got that call I mentioned, 2 weeks and no more little heart beats grew within me, no more heartbeats seamed to be taking place anywhere inside me. I continued to pack on the pounds, like if I ate for three they would come back. I think I resented him so much because of this, and I couldn't be away from him either, he came back a month or so later, lied and said they only kissed, with closed mouths, it sounded good, I wanted to believe him so I did, until about a year before I left, when his best guy friends “now” wife, “then” sort of friend that he sort of could not stand, came over looking for a guy living at our house, she happened to be the whore's friend from back then when it happened, and she seemed to think I knew what had really transpired, after that day I did. I was mixed up all over again, and then had to make him tell me, and admit to not using a condom since she was already knocked up, and yada yada. Not good. So there you have it. The year that lead to our ending, the whole screwed up story, make of it what you will. I did not mention we had so many good times, great times, of course or I would be a total idiot or you must think really ugly, which in fact my better than average looks and habit of innocent flirting made it easier to leave, I had confidence that if love was out there I could find it. He only loved me for a few weeks, crying and acting madly in love, but with too much psycho for me at the time. Then came the hate so strong he wanted me dead or badly hurt, he just didn't give us an opportunity to make up. We could have. I hadn't slept with anyone for over a year, didn't date at all for over a year. Why didn't he allow me a little space? Rescue me? He knew he was the only one that could rescue me, he holds the key to my heart, nothing he ever did was ever wrong enough to be too wrong with me, and we could get past anything. I can't believe I ever thought to part from him, I guess that is what I get for leaving my man. I loved him for everything he was, no matter what anybody thought. I was sad thinking my life is ruined and I have to live this long life without him and that we will never be together again and so on and so on, then I thought **** that, if we are meant to be together we will be no matter what and that I would make a wonderful step mom to his kids and how they would love me and me them, and how his future ex-wife would even be happier and in a fulfilling new marriage and our family would grow and we would be a happy family with big parties and our family would support us and be happy for our reunion and we'd be awarded for our true love that battles great storms no other love could sustain. Yep, freaky. Nuts. I want him to know his kids, and things probably wouldn't be so hunky dory, he'd resent me, leave me, hate me, blame me for ruining his life, again. I would ruin probably the best thing that ever happened to either of us. He has experienced something far greater than I have yet to imagine, he might really be in love with his wife and they may have a terrific thing going on, or maybe he still wants to do things to get to me, how arrogant you think, but that’s not why I think that, I think it because I wish it, in a way. I am really torn here. If I knew he wanted me and felt his life wouldn't be complete without me I'm afraid of what I might do. That sucks man. We are talking a lot of peoples lives getting touched here, and I can't say for sure what I would do, wow. This is all hypothetical; I am too cowardly to do something of this magnitude. He is probably been over me a long time, but love from your kids is so different from the love you get from your mate, and this situation could work if we were meant to be together, no one said love is easy, it can be worth fighting for, sometimes its a tough fight, but it makes it that much stronger right? I think so. If he is happy I will let the memories be what they are, and I will finally be free to make some of my own, without him lingering in the background. See how messed up one day can bring years later when you least expect it. Hot digity dog, you just don't know, don't know.

[Crazybanana]

Although I don't really understand what this post is about, I thank you for taking the time to write. Got me a little confused.

[ace6061]

Toy; don’t wait to see if she thinks she needs you. Before you take her back you have to know she needs you. The one thing you must keep in mind is that she is the one that did this to you. You have to protect your self even if she does decide to come back. What’s to say that she won’t do this again? The one thing I am figuring out is that even though I still hope my EX does come back, is that really what is best for me? I am starting to wonder if that is the case. There is going to be some serious talking before that would happen. Keep in your mind that just because she comes back doesn’t mean she loves you again. People do return to relationships they have left without necessarily loving that person. She may come back just because she misses that comfortable feeling you get by being with a person for that long. If that is the case then watch out because she will most likely leave you again. Also try to ask yourself what you miss. Do you miss that comfort do you miss just someone being there? I am asking myself the same questions. Maybe missing these things is clouding both are minds. All I am saying is be careful what you wish for. Try to go out with other women, see if that loneliness goes away.

[flutterby]

I know the state of mind you are in. I understand you hurt most of all, and probably have sporadic feelings of all sorts right now, which is normal. It's also normal to have a lack of feelings sometimes, which I can only guess comes from the devastation of the sudden changes going on. I for the first time am able to finally start making some sense out of my own situation, including why it took so many years to surface. I do suggest one thing to you Toy, sit down and write her a letter. You have a lot to say, and you should. The ball is in your court now. In every break up one person plays the role you are playing and one person plays her role, otherwise there would be no conflict and you wouldn't be going through a breakup, duh. If the roles were reversed she probably would not let you go so easily, but women react way different then men sometimes when in your role. Don't let machoism prevent you from expressing your love, if in fact you really are in love with her. Keep in mind that when conversations transpire she may not hang on to your every word, as she would if she were feeling in love with you right now, therefore she will be able to read your letter in her own privacy, and express her feelings without an audience. She is in a totally different frame of mind than you are at the moment, so the two of you will not connect, and this is hard for you, but you must expect it to be this way right now. Does she understand right away? Probably not. Will you get discouraged? Probably. Should you keep trying to get your message through? I think so. How? Slowly. Gently. Non-aggressively. Send her a letter once in a while, with stuff like what you've been up to, example; restoring your old car, or your new found love of photographing nature and include a pic, or fishing or walking or working out, or whatever. Just talk like you used to do, maybe she can realize she misses you. You know, people sometimes get so involved with their own pain, and take the highway approach to their safe haven, they don't stop long enough to figure out that there are other ways of dealing with this situation. You surely don't want to find yourself married with kids, pining for your true love someday. Look, you two have obviously had your problems as we all do, you may not even see some of the problems right now, that might not be clear for years, point is no matter what you do she will always be part of you and you to her. When the ones you love stray down different paths my friend, they are simply lost, period. That is all there is to it. You would look for your dog, even though you don't know why it ran away. Sometimes that kind of love never lets you stop searching, and occasionally you'll hear of that miracle where years later, with thousands of miles traveled, they find one another, like a new sunrise. Do you need to focus on your education? Would you like to try something like Karate? Golfing? Have a grandparent that needs something done to their house? You don't need to get someone new mixed up in this mess, I can tell you that. It isn't fair to anyone. You can enhance yourself by yourself. You need to heal, and time will do that, they say 5-6 years is average for 7+ years in a relationship, and I am proof of that. I got married 2 years after our breakup, but I should have got myself in college full time instead. Not because he isn't a wonderful person, my husband, but because I could have become a better person and allow myself time to discover who I am by myself, without any other influence. I for one have a difficult time discovering me when I am trying to discover someone else, thus never failing to please everyone else before myself. If men do get over the women they love with other women then I do not believe they really ever loved them, or possibly that they will not really love the replacement at least not right away. Some people don't mind that though, they like being the rock that gets leaned against, so who knows maybe it's just an individual thing, maybe it works for some people. I just think it's so sad when two people work so hard at something, especially when it's fun, and then when it gets tough, well... I'd just like give it a different perspective. So many people seem to take the "up yours" attitude, or play the blame game, all very natural reactions, but what does that solve? Remind her of why she feel in love with you, but take it slow. It's not only that she's worth it but also you owe it to yourself. No matter what happens, you will know that you did everything within your power to try to do right by her and yourself. I hope you do have a good life, but that can only happen if you have nothing but love in your heart. Peace.

[sinkerswim]

Wow....that is WELL written Flutterby..

Gave me some insight on my own situation.

[Jamma]

Flutterby have you ever thought about writing a book, I wish I could have such a clear frame of mind to be able to write feelings and thoughts as you have.

[Crazybanana]

Speaking of the letter, after we broke up i couldnt find ways to pass time, so i went up to the store and bought a hard cover notebook and some pens and just started writing to her, i ended up writing about 40 pages, but i needed to say this things to someone and my book was the first option, so i gave her the book, so she will always have to wonder whats in it, i dont think she has read it yet.

[Fluuterby]

I am happy to share my experience; actually I am just happy to finally be able to understand my experience. It is amazing to see your own situation from a birds-eye view, which only happens over time. I only wish I could have seen it this way long ago, and sent this letter as a suggestion to my ex during our breakup, obviously no one in his life or mine knew how to intervene and give him any insight. I thought I had set a good example and that he should have known what to do. I certainly wasn't thinking clear enough to see that I could possibly ever love him again, but heck I had never ever fallen out of love with him before, so these were new feelings to me that I could not possibly fully understand. He was also going through rejection for the first time from me, so I understand why he flipped out. Instead I gave him hope of finding new love, reassured him that I wasn't leaving him for anyone else, and insisted that we had just grown too far apart and had become different people over the years. I told him I loved him but wasn't in love with him and how unfair it was to both of us to stay together for comforts sake and how we were both getting cheated of "real" happiness. I felt like he couldn't reach his full potential with me, since I was security to him, he didn't do things for himself because it was easier for me to do things for him, and I would. I couldn't stand and wouldn't stand to see him go without, I cared so much about him and I became an enabler to him, which hurt us both. I wanted him to have a good life with me but didn't think it was possible, so I had given up. This was the best way I could find to let him fall softly, I never wanted him to hurt, and when he hurt I did too. Hurt is just part of the process, and nothing said or done will magically erase your pain. I did not want to make him wait for me because I am a person of fairness, even when the other person wouldn't have the same kind of courtesy for me, at least that is what I expressed to him, whether or not that is really what I wanted, I really don't know if I knew what I wanted then, I probably didn't, but I knew what felt right to say, it was the kindest way I could end things. It hurts to let your lover go. It's scary, the whole world looks different to you, you feel vulnerable, and unsure of everything. It isn't easier being the one leaving. You think what you are doing is the right thing; it is a gamble you know you have to take in order to find out. The downside is the amount of time it may take to know what you want, and by then it may be too late, or maybe the other persons’ feelings will have changed. The events that take place during this time also plays a big part in how soon you will think with a clear head. He acted as if he "needed" me, and not "wanted" me. That is the one thing I can tell you I remember. I felt like he had nothing to offer me as a man his age should, and I wanted him to prove to me there was a future with him. I know I didn't tell him that, this time, but I was afraid I wouldn't feel any different no matter what he did, so I didn't want to make him jump through hoops for nothing! Do you see where I'm going with this? It all goes back to what I said yesterday. Focus on bettering yourself, no matter what your age, I'm sure there have been millions of things you've thought about trying and never had time to do, now is your chance. Nine months after our breakup he had become an expectant parent, as I mentioned earlier. I believe every child comes into this world with a purpose, and they were meant to be here. I know his kids had to be made between the two of them, so I tell myself I have to understand that this was meant to be and that as difficult as it was I did the right thing for both of us. I wish things were different but they aren't. Just know that whatever happens, it is just meant to be, and we don't always understand why, not right away, maybe never. Good things and bad things shape who we are, and you will be better as a person by taking the bad things and turning them into good things. No one can take your memories; those are yours to keep. We’re all in this life together, do something nice for someone today and everyday and those little things will add up and start to comfort your broken heart. Even waving someone on at a 4-way stop and getting a wave & smile makes you feel good, or holding the door open at the store for a stranger to get a simple thank you. You can help put a little joy back into your life; I promise that it works. This is closure for me. I’m lucky to have found a way and place to express myself. We’ll all be ok someday, we will. Peace.

[Crazybanana]

In your situation, when you talked to him did you tell him that you were never going to get back together? How do you make someone love you again if they say they don't. Were you feeling that you totally didn't love him anymore when you broke it off? But later on realized you maybe did? Is it possible to fall back in love with someone if you have already said you don't anymore? This is where I am. I don't know what to make of the whole thing. It seems like she is really set in what she wants to do, but at the same time I wonder if its just a phase of, "I've never been with anyone else." I realize now how much I had, and how many times I could have done something more to show it. Although I'm sure everyone goes through the, what should I have done different phase. I figured out that I've wanted to talk to people about the whole thing, but the person I most want to ask advice from, is the person that is not with me anymore. I never really realized how much I valued her companionship. I could care less what she looked like, or what job she had, or anything of the sort. I was happily in love with her. At first the initial reaction was, How am I going to survive without her? But as I looked at it more and more, it was, I can survive, but her companionship always made me happy. All the things we've done, all the funny catch phrases we use for each other, little names and such, all the vacations we went on, every talk we had, every laugh. The things I found myself bored with before have turned out to be some of the things I never realized that I would miss so much. Going shopping to me was always something I never really enjoyed. But now that I don't have the opportunity, I realize how much it actually meant to me, and that I really did enjoy it. Like now I would give anything to go shopping for whatever. It sounds silly, but I realize that I actually did love her, and everything about her, good and bad. I just feel that I have no chance with her. I know that there are other people to be found. Well she just messaged me on msn messenger while I was typing. Nothing new, just asked her how her new job was going, and how her new car was working and stuff. Why did she message me? She asked how my band did at our last battle of the bands show. I know her brothers could have told her if she had asked them. See that drives me nuts, I haven't called her in a week to try out the whole no contact thing. I don't know whether its best to totally leave her alone and ignore her, or try to talk to her. I was positive when I talked to her and never strayed off the regular small talk how are you doing stuff. I want her to know if she really doesn't like me anymore or she is unsure. I also noticed that she had her status as available all day. I know she doesn't like the messenger and never liked to have it on before, even when we were going out, and now today she has it on, almost as if to tempt me to send her a message. I never did, but she just sent me one. I guess I'm probably looking too much into this, but who knows. Everything is so crazy but I'm slowly dealing. But as you said, if you ever get over it totally you were never in love, Well I'm far from there. But I'm not really depressed anymore. I occupy my time with other things, and of course you can't stop those little plans from going through your head, on how can I get her back. I guess thats more up to her than me. I guess she ever goes into her room and gets the book out, then she must be at a point when she's not sure, and maybe that would be a good time to read the book. I don't ever want to trick her into going back out with me, I want her to decide that she really wants to. I don't need another breakup. So I'm waiting, well not really waiting, cause that could be endless, but I'm not giving up hope just yet.