Don't bring crazy to the birth of our baby

[tinktronik]

Just a few more weeks to wait, oh how they drag along seemingly forever. I am realizing just how clever my SO is. I'm going to let you all in on a little secret here. He has not told his family that we are expecting. They honestly have no idea. Granted it is just his dad and an older brother that he talks to, at best, twice a year. But I realized he was completely on to something when I realized that Crazy 1 (my batsh** crazy mother) and Crazy 2 (my batsh** crazy grandpa's batsh** crazy wife) were planning on shooting into town at our baby's birth. Crazy 1 I can kind of sympathize with, she, in her own words, "is trying to make things up to me." But that does not mean that she will be able to comport herself with someone else's personality while I sit helpless in a hospital bed and she does her thing; namely says wildly inappropriate things to anyone willing or unwilling to listen. Now Crazy 2, I have no clue why she would show her face, I have maybe met her 3 times in my life and she's gossiped (this translates to told lies) lavishly about me in the past. There wasn't even any asking me could they attend.

 

The very thought of trying to juggle Crazy 1 and Crazy 2 hours out of surgery and meeting my new mini-me boggles my mind. My SO has never, in 10 years, met Crazy 1 or Crazy 2, my reasons why are good ones and hold firm still. So there I am, trying to figure out how to say "not no but hell no, no way, not on your life, forget about it, NEVER" in a tactful way that won't cause stress and drama and dysfunctionality galore when SO says "we just sign the privacy notice at the hospital and won't tell anyone she's born until we're ready." That man is a genius sometimes. I wonder could we just not tell anyone until she's 25 or so.

 

Oh the fallout is going to be like fireworks but at least I won't have to deal with it until I'm ready.

[charissa]

Haha! I'm new here, but this resonated, so I just have to chime in. I second the idea of not telling them until after the birth. We have done this three times with the in-laws and honestly, there isn't much fallout. They know if they make a stink, they may well not see the kids at all. It's good to set the precedent now, because chances are, they will try to cross boundaries as your child grows.

 

You mention surgery, so yours may be planned, but in the case of a spontaneous delivery, you can always soften it with "It happened so fast, we didn't have time to call anyone."

[Tayla]

I'm pleased that you are bringing a child into this world who will instantly dislike his/her extended family. May you someday walk in the shoes as a grandparent and have your kids deny you the honor of being there to welcome an heir to the family. I can only empathize if the said persons are mentally ill and incapable of refraining from physical or mental harm to the newborn....Then your protection is warranted.....

[sb129]

Tayla, while I see what you are saying, I can also see Tinks point.

 

The time spent in hospital directly following childbirth is very personal- as a new mother you are hormonal, emotional, exhausted, sore and not really looking your best. Its not the time for family reconciliations- particularly not with people who get your back up.

 

The ONLY people I wanted around me were my husband, my mother (who I am very close to) and the various medical staff.

 

The rest of the extended family were welcome to see our daughter as much as they liked once I got home from the hospital. I know they are a part of my daughters life, but they don't have to be there for every single second of it.

 

Its not like my daughter will remember who was at her birth anyway.

[dreamingoftigers]

I was in Ottawa when they induced me into labour.

 

My parents who are both bat**** crazy live in Calgary. My mother wanted them to come out for the birth, I didn't want her to.

 

After about 6 hours of contractions, they called and I let them know that they were in no way possible going to make it, I had already been induced, too bad, so sad (plus flights had left for the evening.)

 

Well, guess who was in labour for 3 DAYS! (also quite complicated, won't go into it, blah).

 

Had to ask the nurses to keep them out.

 

Glad it was just H and me for the last parts of the process before they got my littlest out of there. He held my legs and helped me do most of the pushing (no one else in the room even!) Doctors came in during the last 10 or so minutes.

 

Within 1/2 of her birth, my parents were in there. Mom loved the little one but wanted to stay the night (Hell no!) and Dad had to tell everyone how much money he made last year and how he had an employee that stole a blanket (which they later found when they got home). I think my dad might've noticed that I had a baby. He also made sure everyone noticed how much his shirt cost, pretty good night for my Dad. My sister just kept yelling, "Can we go? Can we go NOW?"

 

My daughter was so amazing that as soon as they left I didn't care. I actually didn't care too much while they were there either but it did annoy me that they just came down to just be exactly what wasn't helpful or supportive.

 

My aunt came in a day earlier while I was in hard labour. She doesn't have any children and she heard another women wailing in the room next door. She asked "what the Hell is that?" I told her it was another woman giving birth. The colour drained from her face and she looked at her best friend and said 'I've got to get the Hell out of here.' Love my aunt, she cracks me up.

 

Keep crazy away from the birth. I think I might have my next kid in Antarctica.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm pleased that you are bringing a child into this world who will instantly dislike his/her extended family. May you someday walk in the shoes as a grandparent and have your kids deny you the honor of being there to welcome an heir to the family. I can only empathize if the said persons are mentally ill and incapable of refraining from physical or mental harm to the newborn....Then your protection is warranted.....

 

Birth is so mentally and physically exhausting that being on display for all the world to see should be last on the priority list. They can meet the baby the next day or after Mom and baby are discharged.

 

As well, it is no one's right to invite themselves to a birth. I wish to keep any future birthing plans very very private.

 

If there are any complications etc, then having to worry on top of everything is grandma is going to toss her marbles is not right.

 

No woman going through labour, or just after should have the added pressure of everyone else and their dog wanted to hold the baby, let Mom, Dad and baby bond. Not Mom have to play Entertainment Committee for everyone else.

[tinktronik]

Haha! I'm new here, but this resonated, so I just have to chime in. I second the idea of not telling them until after the birth. We have done this three times with the in-laws and honestly, there isn't much fallout. They know if they make a stink, they may well not see the kids at all. It's good to set the precedent now, because chances are, they will try to cross boundaries as your child grows.

 

You mention surgery, so yours may be planned, but in the case of a spontaneous delivery, you can always soften it with "It happened so fast, we didn't have time to call anyone."

 

Thanks for the support. I will be in for major surgery, maybe planned, maybe not; it all really depends on bundles timeframe. It will be my 4h and probably rough. I will probably be flat on my back unable to move at all for a couple of days.

 

I am firm on the plan to just go and have baby and we will let everyone know when we are ready. It seems by far the least stressful approach. I remember with my boys not being able to move and trying to breast-feed and everyone (namely my exH's friends) coming in and out with video cameras and just being stressed about the whole thing and wanting to be left to it.

 

I'm really a strong believer that no one needs to come at all to gawk at mom and baby, the only people who should come are ones who are willing and there to HELP OUT as in prepare meals, do laundry, clean up, ect. I have actually brought this up with family and gotten a bunch of "oh, I don't know about that." Well, if you are not here to offer support and help with the adjustment then there is so need for you to be there at all. It's not a gawking event.

[tinktronik]

I'm pleased that you are bringing a child into this world who will instantly dislike his/her extended family. May you someday walk in the shoes as a grandparent and have your kids deny you the honor of being there to welcome an heir to the family. I can only empathize if the said persons are mentally ill and incapable of refraining from physical or mental harm to the newborn....Then your protection is warranted.....

 

Actually, this child may have an easier life is she understands early on not to depend on the above mentioned extended family. If they stay away she won't have to deal with the mental illness and drama that goes along with this pair. Although my mother has been well known to force physical and mental harm on children, do I believe she would harm a newborn in a nursery, no. But she certainly would along the road somewhere if allowed unfettered access.

 

Mind you this is a pair that has shown NO interest in the children in this family that already exist, no Christmas presents, no Birthday presents, no visits or phone calls even though they were welcome to these children's births and every event in their lives. I can't really figure out why there has been this plan to come one come all gawk as a group at baby, other than she's the first girl to be born in the better part of 20 years. This pair would not be able to behave in a hospital setting, instead distracting attention from where it should be, mom, dad and baby. My SO would not put up with it. It would cause tension. There would be personal jabs at me as they cannot help themselves; it would all around be a bad thing.

 

I will, at some point, invite my mother out to visit. I did not speak to her for about 5 years at one point because of her behavior towards me, and I really am trying to make an effort to keep boundaries but allow her some access. But I have no intention to invite Crazy 2 at any point or even to see her again in my lifetime.

 

Now, as to my SO not telling his father or brother about us expecting.... I don't know really what that's about. He says he thinks they just won't care.

[tinktronik]

Birth is so mentally and physically exhausting that being on display for all the world to see should be last on the priority list. They can meet the baby the next day or after Mom and baby are discharged.

 

As well, it is no one's right to invite themselves to a birth. I wish to keep any future birthing plans very very private.

 

If there are any complications etc, then having to worry on top of everything is grandma is going to toss her marbles is not right.

 

No woman going through labour, or just after should have the added pressure of everyone else and their dog wanted to hold the baby, let Mom, Dad and baby bond. Not Mom have to play Entertainment Committee for everyone else.

 

This is my point exactly. Grandma most assuredly will toss her marbles as there are quite a few missing from the bag. She has a severe personality disorder and just can't manage to comport herself around many people, much less in a hospital setting to be supportive.

[tinktronik]

I was in Ottawa when they induced me into labour.

 

My parents who are both bat**** crazy live in Calgary. My mother wanted them to come out for the birth, I didn't want her to.

 

After about 6 hours of contractions, they called and I let them know that they were in no way possible going to make it, I had already been induced, too bad, so sad (plus flights had left for the evening.)

 

Well, guess who was in labour for 3 DAYS! (also quite complicated, won't go into it, blah).

 

Had to ask the nurses to keep them out.

 

Glad it was just H and me for the last parts of the process before they got my littlest out of there. He held my legs and helped me do most of the pushing (no one else in the room even!) Doctors came in during the last 10 or so minutes.

 

Within 1/2 of her birth, my parents were in there. Mom loved the little one but wanted to stay the night (Hell no!) and Dad had to tell everyone how much money he made last year and how he had an employee that stole a blanket (which they later found when they got home). I think my dad might've noticed that I had a baby. He also made sure everyone noticed how much his shirt cost, pretty good night for my Dad. My sister just kept yelling, "Can we go? Can we go NOW?"

 

My daughter was so amazing that as soon as they left I didn't care. I actually didn't care too much while they were there either but it did annoy me that they just came down to just be exactly what wasn't helpful or supportive.

 

My aunt came in a day earlier while I was in hard labour. She doesn't have any children and she heard another women wailing in the room next door. She asked "what the Hell is that?" I told her it was another woman giving birth. The colour drained from her face and she looked at her best friend and said 'I've got to get the Hell out of here.' Love my aunt, she cracks me up.

 

Keep crazy away from the birth. I think I might have my next kid in Antarctica.

 

3 days! Dear heavens! You poor darling.

 

I'm going to let me boys know as soon as she comes. But everyone else will have to wait until we are settled in at home and ready to make some phone calls.

[sb129]

 

I'm really a strong believer that no one needs to come at all to gawk at mom and baby, the only people who should come are ones who are willing and there to HELP OUT as in prepare meals, do laundry, clean up, ect. I have actually brought this up with family and gotten a bunch of "oh, I don't know about that." Well, if you are not here to offer support and help with the adjustment then there is so need for you to be there at all. It's not a gawking event.

 

No, its not- I agree.

 

This is my point exactly. Grandma most assuredly will toss her marbles as there are quite a few missing from the bag. She has a severe personality disorder and just can't manage to comport herself around many people, much less in a hospital setting to be supportive.

 

The bolded bit made me laugh...

 

Tink- its your baby, your party- you make the rules and you get to choose which guests you invite.

 

Gawd- the thought of having any of my family in while I was having a baby!

[tinktronik]

No, its not- I agree.

I don't know how many of my girlfriends have had people to show up expecting to be treated like house guests. Thinking they were there to be entertained. Even one friend who had her SIL show up to stay at her house with her own 2 small children and took over the master bedroom. It's just simple sense to me that if someone has just grown a baby, figured out how to get it out of their body (not to mention the leaking fluids) and they will spend the majority of the next 6 months on no sleep then you should maybe you should pack in a meal or wipe down the stove.

 

 

 

The bolded bit made me laugh...

 

Tink- its your baby, your party- you make the rules and you get to choose which guests you invite.

 

Gawd- the thought of having any of my family in while I was having a baby!

It's going to be a small party.

 

I think people with normal, supportive families just don't get it.

[sb129]

I think people with normal, supportive families just don't get it.

 

Does anyone actually HAVE one of those?

Where do i get one?

[dreamingoftigers]

I think people with normal, supportive families just don't get it.

 

Typically I have found in life that people with supportive families have no clue about people with unsupportive families. It is like we exist in different worlds.

 

Does anyone actually HAVE one of those?

Where do i get one?

 

I think at this point you end up just trying to be one, unfortunately.

 

And yes, no kidding about the 3 day labour. Kind of funny because we thought that I would be the type to just plop the kid out!

 

I checked into the hospital at 5 a.m. on May 19th, 2009 and my daughter was delivered on the 22nd at 21:36. So actually 3.5 days. Some of the nurses in the birthing unit were surprised to see me day to day. The doctors were still pretty convinced that it was better not to try to interrupt the process and do a C-section if the baby wasn't in any form of jeopardy and my body was able to hold up. I took a long time to heal though and ended up with a Uterine Infection. Horrible. As well near the end, my girl's heart rate went right up because they gave me laughing gas for the pain (after 3 days you would smoke crack for the pain and not care, okay maybe not that far). I had a reaction to the gas (which is practically unheard of) and my blood pressure plummeted and then had to give me ephedrine to bring it back up. So the baby's heartrate worried them and then after all that they started talking C-section. UGH!

 

But she managed to come along shortly after and needed a little help out. And you feel like sleeping for 3 days, but you have to nurse!

 

(My birth story is actually a lot more complex then the above as well, but I am sure you don't need a play-by-play and I actually had it come up in EMDR therapy because it had traumatic elements to it. The really, really good part about all of that is since I had the birth story like I did, odds are in won't happen to anyone else in the next 10 years, so you are free! )

 

My mother always used to say to me as a child "I went through 27 hours of labour for you!" (Half-joking as a guilt-trip, I think she was half-joking).

 

Well as soon as the contractions started I realized, "she didn't do 27 hours for me, it's not like they had some sort of payment plan: like you can do 3 hours of labour and go home OR to get your kid 5 more IQ points you can do 6 hours."

 

By that point, you do it because you aren't getting out of it by then!

 

I hope everything goes well for you!

[Tayla]

After reading much and gathering a wee bit more data on this matter, I sincerely do hope that the child is well and the birth phase is quick.

 

To each there own, I Can respect anyone wishing privacy at such a milestone event such as a new birth. Perhaps I misunderstood the originating post as it was interpreted that the OP was shunning them, when in fact she was wishing for privacy, which is a persons right.

 

Sorry that I was less then understanding.

I still perhaps from a grand parents perspective and one who was "univited" and told not to be there for my first grandchilds birth still reflect with much regret in not being able to share (yes I wanted to come soon after the birth) only to be given a quick glimpse thru a nursery window then off the maternity ward. The DIL invited though: her best friend, her mother her grandmother and her own father into the birthing room.

I was supportive and gifting during my DIL's pregnancy. I was respecting and unintrusive, so to not be welcomed to the hospital was heartwrenching. IT was my son whom a few years later after a wicked divorce sat down and discussed how that moment of my not being there soon after the birth was a sad time for him, because he wanted his side of the family there too, yet she put her foot down (as she soooo often did).

Anyways OP I really do think you have the best intentions at heart for your newborn and deserve privacy to cherish that event....

[blind_otter]

Personally I think no woman who just squeezed a baby out of her body should have to deal with the presence of anyone she doesn't want to deal with, whether anyone else who was not involved in the physical process of pregnancy and birth think it's OK or not.

 

The only person at my son's birth was his father. My mom visited at the birth center for a few minutes after I had him on her way to church.

 

The chick who was my bestfriend at the time, on the other hand, got all sorts of bent out of shape because I didn't call her. Thing is, I never wanted her at my son's birth and never invited her! She invited herself...and then I didn't tell her when it happened...and then she got really upset that I didn't "let her" be present when my cervix was stretching to capacity?

 

Fuuuuuuu....people's sense of entitlement is really terrifying sometimes. But it's good, though, good sign not to be around that person often, or rely on them to remain sane.

 

I love your etsy shop, mama! Much love and hugs to you. Keep that crazy outta here...

[Tayla]

Blind otter, pardon if you misunderstood, no one said "entitlement" to the actual birth . It is a respecting and private time . I respectfully think you are way out of line to use the Fu phrase .

Your welcome to invite or slam the door during that event, what entitlement as you so gracious term, is a relatives wish to share in the joy (AFTERWARDS though). Some folks actually like the family support soon AFTER the birth and when coming home, they appreciate the extra hands that are there to tend to house things. I know this is beyond some folks train of thoughts but get this, in some cultures they celebrate and gather around to support the mom soon afterwards, its called not shunning the new born. But welcoming the addition into the world. Some ladies actually like the attention, and some ladies prefer solice...to each there own.....

[fruittebgtnia]

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[EyesWideOpen]

с любимым мишкой 04-09 онлайн экстримального фистинга девственницы лешение видео онлайн Развлекательное оборудование, продажа и аренда развлекательного оборудования хочу весплатно посмотреть секс У кого пола выше теплопроводность - залитого бетоном из бетономешалки или сделанного полусухой стяжкой (типа Estrich)? секс путешествия женщин в экзотические страны крутое русское порно томочка 1 секс рассказ У меня такое ощущение, что я откупаюсь от дочки, как себя успокоить? первый секс правдивые рассказы бесплатное порево фото секс матери фотографии фото секса юных пони и девушка безплатноэ порно видео скачать секс фильми с беременными онлайн видио струйный оргазм

 

 

?? yeah. what he said.

[tinktronik]

?? yeah. what he said.

 

That junk basically is an ad to get you to buy porno. I requested yesterday that it be removed but alas, it still is there in my thread.

[tinktronik]

Blind otter, pardon if you misunderstood, no one said "entitlement" to the actual birth . It is a respecting and private time . I respectfully think you are way out of line to use the Fu phrase .

Your welcome to invite or slam the door during that event, what entitlement as you so gracious term, is a relatives wish to share in the joy (AFTERWARDS though). Some folks actually like the family support soon AFTER the birth and when coming home, they appreciate the extra hands that are there to tend to house things. I know this is beyond some folks train of thoughts but get this, in some cultures they celebrate and gather around to support the mom soon afterwards, its called not shunning the new born. But welcoming the addition into the world. Some ladies actually like the attention, and some ladies prefer solice...to each there own.....

 

Some ladies do like the attention. But not all Tayla. Some people are simply more private or introverted or their families may be a hinderance instead of a help. It's a thin line to not upset family or extended family, in the case of in-laws.

 

I know it probably upset you that your DIL invited her mom and close friend but not you into the birthing but you have to consider that it is an extremely painful time too, your emotions are way out of whack, you're messy and strange (maybe the strangest you will be in your whole life) and unless you have a very strong bond with your MIL you have to decide in your interest alone what's best for you.

[blind_otter]

I know this is beyond some folks train of thoughts but get this, in some cultures they celebrate and gather around to support the mom soon afterwards, its called not shunning the new born. But welcoming the addition into the world. Some ladies actually like the attention, and some ladies prefer solice...to each there own.....

 

I am totally for getting attention and help after I give birth, just not from people who will stress me out. I think all moms should be allowed to select support from those people who they experience as supportive, gentle, and loving. If they don't perceive you as such, don't take it personally. Not everything is about you, she may think you are a neutral or even good person to be around, but not experience you as the type she would want to be around after giving birth.

 

No need to feel offended about things.

[2sunny]

Blind otter, pardon if you misunderstood, no one said "entitlement" to the actual birth . It is a respecting and private time . I respectfully think you are way out of line to use the Fu phrase .

Your welcome to invite or slam the door during that event, what entitlement as you so gracious term, is a relatives wish to share in the joy (AFTERWARDS though). Some folks actually like the family support soon AFTER the birth and when coming home, they appreciate the extra hands that are there to tend to house things. I know this is beyond some folks train of thoughts but get this, in some cultures they celebrate and gather around to support the mom soon afterwards, its called not shunning the new born. But welcoming the addition into the world. Some ladies actually like the attention, and some ladies prefer solice...to each there own.....

 

who said anyone is "shunning a newborn?" tink is a loving gal... and capable of transferring that to her child.

 

 

your perspective shows one situation... but not everyone has THAT perspective.

 

some women have been sexually molested by family members - with said family members acting everyday like it's all normal. i see, often, that these women choose NOT to have the family members on site while a perfectly personal, private event takes place... from the very location that a so called "loved one" took full advantage of- with intent to ruin a woman's life.

 

WHY should anyone like THAT need to be present?

 

I'D LOVE TO KNOW YOUR ANSWER! not EVERYONE deserves to be invited - or present for a babies birth!

 

being family doesn't automatically make one invited! it IS a personal choice... based on personal experience.