It is the one punch I can not get over

[kimnjj]

I posted this in the break up section until I found this one.

 

I lived with my BF . Both late 30's , we blended our families and finances.

 

In Oct things began getting bad. We were so verbally abusive to each other. Had a few incidents , one where he pushed me down after I pushed him out of my face.

 

This last one I am having a hard time with. No one knows I even still speak to him . He accused me of lying one night. He has insecurity issues big time. He grabbed his computer which only I use. Baited me and ran to the bedroom with it. I followed him and busted open the door as he was closing it. It hit him in the eyebrow. We wrestled around and still screaming I went into another bedroom. He cornered me and I was pushing him around to get away. From 2 feet away he punched me to the ground.

 

Ran to call 911 and as he was leaving they show up. I ended up going to the ER and jail for being the aggressor. He also lied to police and told them he " smacked me " off of him. Took 14 days for my face to heal. It swelled shut in jail. I have been told there is a theory that maybe the police do this to get you away from the abuser because the system makes you so mad. In my case the charges will be dropped.

 

I feel equally responsible that I drove him to this verge. Things were never like this between us. How does someone just start to snap overnight ? We never fought.

 

We both feel horrible , but I never lied to the police. He has opted to have a bench warrant and go to jail for not showing up as the " victim". We are both getting therapy for this. I still see him occasionally although he has moved out. When I do see him , he is the man I fell in love with. Eventually I would like things to work out.

 

Does that ever happen?

[betterdeal]

Yes, it does, but don't count on it. Count on fixing the flaws that led to this situation. You say you never fought before. That is a sure sign that you two do not know how to

 

(a) recognise when you are annoyed by the other person

(b) express your annoyance clearly

© draw a line over which you will not cross and no-one else is allowed to either

(d) negotiate and understand the other persons viewpoint

(e) walk away and stop when anger is greater than reason

(f) accept that you can have a mixture of feelings about someone such as loving them and being annoyed by them at the same time

(g) accept criticism

 

This is about using your words, making your words match your actions, and making both match your desires.

 

You guys have gone so far past the lines of healthy behaviour and acted out your feelings so much more than used your words that you are almost certainly better spending at least a few months separated and doing a lot of therapy, soul-searching and basic training in how to stand up for yourself without resorting to violence.

 

If you get back together you need to negotiate it well. To make clear what you want, what you expect, what they can expect from you, and take it very very slowly. I'd advise using an intermediary such as a relationship counsellor if you reach the stage of wanting to explore the idea of getting back together.

 

Until then, you both have a lot of time to heal your own wounds and improve your own behaviours. It will make your lives much better to do this. You've been through an ordeal and it will take time to recover. Don't rush it. Give yourself time.