I don't want him anymore, but it still hurts sometimes

[AshleyMB]

Is this normal?

I finally feel over my ex, and I don’t feel any desire or attraction for him anymore, yet for some reason I still feel kinda jealous and stuff about the situation, but I don’t really understand why I feel this way.

Although I’ve experienced some other relatively minor ****ty dating experiences before, I would say that I’ve experienced actual heartbreak only once. There was this guy friend of mine that I dated for a little while back, who was my first real anything really, but he really ended up hurting me deeply. A lot of it was maybe just the way it ended too.

 

One thing I realized though in retrospect was that, maybe I never really felt “in love” with him… like when you hear about how love should be… it gives you butterflies, your heart races when you see or talk to them, and you get nervous/excited about when you get to see them again, you glow when they walk into the room, you think about them all the time, , the world basically feels like magic. I’ve realized that I have never once in my life experienced this. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good person and I did genuinely care for him at one point and love him in a sense, but it's almost like I convinced myself to like him because he liked me so much for so long so I "gave in". It didn't come naturally to me, although my affections for him did eventually grow and I did end up emotionally investing myself a lot in the situation. But I don’t think that it was what love should be… if that makes any sense. It’s more like… he’s the first guy that I ever really trusted, felt comfortable with, and really let in in that way. He really really liked me for a long time, and finally I decided to give him a chance after being super indifferent tohim, and he really wanted my trust and stuff. I was absolutely terrified of love and relationships, and he was the last guy in the world I ever expected to hurt me.

 

Now that I’m no longer emotionally invested in the situation anymore, I see a lot of other things a whole lot clearer too. Like the little things and red flags that I ignored at the time because I wanted , well the situation to be what I wanted, and I wanted him to be what I wanted. Since I’ve gotten over my ex, and I let him go,,, it was honestly the best feeling in the world. Just like, finally feeling set free from all of that. To just not want him anymore, was such a relief. For the first time in my life actually, I’ve never felt so strong and powerful, and so happy just being by myself.

 

But although I honestly do feel over him… like the last time I saw him and we talked, it was weird I couldn’t even imagine kissing him or doing any of that other stuff lol,, I didn’t feel attracted to him at ALL. I have no desire for him or to be with him. (except maybe when he performs onstage, but a lot of guys can have that quality)

 

But it still… stings …sometimes when I see him or think about him, and what happened. Just the fact that someone I really let in and trusted, and thought would always at the least be my friend, would just hurt me like that… and go from caring about me sooo much to being so cold, cruel, and calloused towards me, and so suddenly and after liking me so much for so long. I don’t care about him or want him anymore, but I think that there’s still a part of me that if he were to start dating someone new who I viewed as prettier, more musically talented, or just someone he loved more than me like when we were together, that I would feel a little bit jealous. But I think that may be my own insecurities coming out rather than anything to do with him. It’s weird because although I don’t desire him anymore, I still feel jealous, and I’m not sure completely why? Is this normal or has anyone else ever experienced something like this? Maybe part of it too is that I was sort of on the “rejected” side of this. (Altough he was the one who originally really really liked me for about a year, but I was the one who was always not interested in him that way, and sort of rejected him). It's almost like I still want to prove to him that I'm not that weak, pathetic girl anymore.

 

One thing that always got to me too, was that I’ve never really had a “first love” so to speak (well besides my experience with him), he was first significant anything really, but I wasn’t his (he had his back in high school).Maybe I’ve watched “The Notebook” too many times haha, but that always kind of makes me sad too.

Edited March 21, 2011 by AshleyMB

[Emilia]

I'm in a similar boat in the sense that I don't regret splitting with my ex, I know it was never going to work out but I still mourn the passing of the relationship. you obviously desire to be close to someone and you are sad that this one didn't work out. when you break up it's not just the person you lose, it's the connection too. that's always a shame

[Thatguyintx]

I'm in a similar boat in the sense that I don't regret splitting with my ex, I know it was never going to work out but I still mourn the passing of the relationship. you obviously desire to be close to someone and you are sad that this one didn't work out. when you break up it's not just the person you lose, it's the connection too. that's always a shame

 

YES! I fully agree with you and can relate. As the dumper, I still am mourning the relationship, but know it needed to end. Thank you for reading my mind and posting it.

[Thatguyintx]

 

 

One thing I realized though in retrospect was that, maybe I never really felt “in love” with him… like when you hear about how love should be… it gives you butterflies, your heart races when you see or talk to them, and you get nervous/excited about when you get to see them again, you glow when they walk into the room, you think about them all the time, , the world basically feels like magic. I’ve realized that I have never once in my life experienced this. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good person and I did genuinely care for him at one point and love him in a sense, but it's almost like I convinced myself to like him because he liked me so much for so long so I "gave in". It didn't come naturally to me, although my affections for him did eventually grow and I did end up emotionally investing myself a lot in the situation. But I don’t think that it was what love should be… if that makes any sense. It’s more like… he’s the first guy that I ever really trusted, felt comfortable with, and really let in in that way. He really really liked me for a long time, and finally I decided to give him a chance after being super indifferent tohim, and he really wanted my trust and stuff. I was absolutely terrified of love and relationships, and he was the last guy in the world I ever expected to hurt me.

 

 

I don't know, this sounds like love to me. The butterflies and glowing are just a small part of love. Real love is trust, comfort, and support. The butterflies are short lived, the trust and friendship is forever. Just my thought.

[TheLoneSock]

like when you hear about how love should be… it gives you butterflies, your heart races when you see or talk to them, and you get nervous/excited about when you get to see them again, you glow when they walk into the room, you think about them all the time, , the world basically feels like magic. I’ve realized that I have never once in my life experienced this.

 

This here is the problem. That is not love, that is the honeymoon. About %10 of the over all picture...

 

And this is the other %90:

 

Real love is trust, comfort, and support. The butterflies are short lived, the trust and friendship is forever.

 

The more mature you grow, the more realistic your outlook on long term relationships will become. Unfortunately, that growth comes at a high cost and requires a lot of pain to be felt and dealt, for both guys and girls.

[turokturok5]

I'm in a similar situation to you. I want to show her im stronger, i want her to know i'm doing lots of sports, im active, eating healthy, working out and overall im still the nicest and sweetest guy (her words) that she fell for. The thing is though, its because of her breaking up with me that i made these changes. I don't exactly want her back, i just feel the need to show her i'm a stronger person, i'll admitt i still have feelings for her but still. And yes, it sucks investing all your trust, thoughts and time into someone and then to suddenly have them turn a blind eye to you and start giving you the cold shoulder and acting as if you don't exist, its really hurtful. But i guess it's all part of the process. The thing that hurts me the most, is the fact that you think your ex is such an amazing person before dating them, that they're the nicest person you have ever met etc etc, exept after they break-up with you, they turn cold and bitter towards you, but are warm and friendly to the people around you. It's hard to cope with the realisation that my ex isn't the person i thought she was, because if she was, she wouldn't be so cold. We just have to pin it on a learning experience and move on i guess

[AshleyMB]

I don't know, this sounds like love to me. The butterflies and glowing are just a small part of love. Real love is trust, comfort, and support. The butterflies are short lived, the trust and friendship is forever. Just my thought.

 

Yes, you are most likely right, I did genuinely love him. Unexpected on my part going into things. I decided to start dating him after so long because I realizied,, I thought he had a really good heart, I had a lot of respect for him, and he was just overall a really good guy. (I suppose he still is, just not to me) Perhaps it was more on his side the whole 'honeymoon' sort of feelings and whatever.... he really liked me for about a year, he went on to his friends and would talk about me all the time and he loved me soo much... and then it's like as soon as I finally took some interest back and after blowing him off and showing no interest in him for so long ,( it's like a reached a point where maybe I matured a little bit and realized that maybe that really nice sweet "nice guy" friend you've always had , who you just wished that you could like or be attracted to-- who's always just adored you, maybe you should give him a chance finally)

 

.....he finally actually got what he wanted, and then he just didn't want it anymore all of a sudden. It's like the 'thrill of the chase' was over and after seeming so genuine and caring,, his interest was just gone. (We dated for maybe a month or 2ish, and then he decided that he 'loved me but wasn't 'in love' with me anymore", he told one of our mutual friends). He was really cold and harsh about the whole thing, which probably out of it all caught me really off guard.

I don't love him anymore, a lot of time has passed and moved on,,,but that sting that I could be so wrong about somebody and that they would suddenly hurt me so much without much of a second thought kind of left a scar on my heart.

Edited March 26, 2011 by AshleyMB

[Thatguyintx]

I don't love him anymore, a lot of time has passed and moved on,,,but that sting that I could be so wrong about somebody and that they would suddenly hurt me so much without much of a second thought kind of left a scar on my heart.

 

I can relate to the sting. Really makes it difficult to open up and trust again. You doubt your judgement. I am listening to my friends tell me that will change someday. Really dont care to think about it at this point. Just living life one day at a time.

 

Blessings to you!

[DollyGirl12]

What your feelings sounds normal. Give yourself time, do things for yourself, like yourself.

I think many of us see those red flags and "overlook" them. One here, one there, but they do add up. I would have been gone within 2 months of meeting my ex had I listened to that red flag waving above my head.

Regardless, when you love and care about someone, it still stings.

Hugs!