Trying to deal with the Past

[MissYuna]

Hi, i am new to the site and when i went looking i didn't even really know what i was looking for, or where to start. I guess the beginning would help. When i was 10 (am 32 now) my grandmother remarried (the man she is still with today) I lived with her because my mom couldn't take care of me. When they were first married things were alright, but everything changed when i asked for a phone in my room so i wouldn't bother them when i was talking to my friends. They were both alcoholics so the night after i asked, he came into my room while my grandmother was passed out and told me the only way i would get a phone in my room was if i had sex with him, this continued every weekend for months, until he turned violent and started hitting me instead and punishing my by taking away my room, my cloths, bed sheets, everything i had and locking me out in the hall way with nothing but my bed. Once he pulled out my hair and choked me because i got a spelling word wrong. My grandmother didn't say anything because he was violent and always saw it first hand when his brothers would come over to drink and by the end of the night there would be blood on the walls. I would hide in my closet those nights because i didn't want to get in the way or seen because i knew it would be worse for me. The abuse continued until i was 12 when Child Services came and took me out, that only lasted for 6 months tho, but soon after i went back he told my mom to take me or he would kill me. My mom and Step dad of course took me from them and things were ok for a while till my step dad came into my room one morning, made me touch him and said "Thats what you do to me" what saved me was the alarm went off for us to get up for school. . My problem is i do hold it all inside and just smile it away, but lately i am finding it really hard to smile all the time and my son (now 11) is always asking me whats wrong and i can't tell him anything. I have tried counseling and meds and all i can and still weighs so hard on me, i think a lot of it is i just cant forgive or forget, it plays in my mind all the time to the point where i forget everything else i am supposed to do in a day because its the only thing in my head, i cant go out of my house because i fear everyone, i cant trust, or make friends. I guess what i was wondering is,,,, Does it ever get better? i mean, is there a point where you can forgive or forget, or even just let it go, because 20 years and i still cant and every time i see him i feel 10 again, a scared little girl that is helpless when he come near me. I just don't know what to do anymore and am always so lost.

 

 

Sorry if i seem to run on, i have issues with ideas and having tog et them down before i forget

Edited March 21, 2011 by MissYuna

[missmac]

Back in high school I was raped, not by some stranger, but by a friend who would always tell me "If anyone ever bothers you sweetie, you come tell me and I will take care if them" It still makes me sick sometimes to see how he gained my trust and made me believe that he was someone who would protect me. He drugged me one night, all I remember are bits and pieces, then waking up in a cab by myself - the driver was apologizing for opening my wallet to find my address.

 

I felt the same way you did, like I was a scared little girl, weak, vulnerable. The next day at school - I instantly felt this disconnection from everyone, there was no way I could tell anyone what happened, I still didnt want to admit that it did - so I just alienated myself, and kept quiet. I was able to not think about it most days for the next few years - but then all of a sudden it all came up - and I didnt want anyone to see me cry - so I just ran away and sat in the rain crying.

 

It's been 9 years since it happened - and sometimes it still haunts me, but for the most part I am able to live my life without it getting in the way. It takes time, and it's not good to hold it in - find a counsellor you feel comfortable with - and get it out, say it out loud, hear yourself say what happened - let someone else hear why you are in pain. And as hard as it is -you need to forgive them for their weakness and cruelty (even not in person- on your own is fine) but find a way to forgive them in your heart - because all that pent up anger and fear is only hurting you. Forgiveness is an attribute that only the strong can posses - Weak people, like the people that hurt you, could never admit theyre wrong. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

 

I know it's hard to trust anyone - because youve seen the darkest side of human life - and its hard to pretend you dont think about that everytime you meet someone new. It is hard - and you do need to be cautious about the people you let come in to your life - but you need to reclaim your life.

 

I wish you so much luck -message me if you need me

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