Signs of a CHEATER (Clues)

[bittersweet]

Doesn't it drive you crazy when you sit and think back to all the times you were being lied to? Doesn't it make you sick to your stomach when realize all the times they looked you in the eyes like you were the only one they had eyes for... all the times you think they are innocently sleeping, or out of town for the night but they were really with another woman?. I get soooo pissed. During the time my b/f was cheating on me- we had some special times together. Everyday was special to me but for him it was a chaotic mess. How can they hold us at night? How can they say "I love you" and show us off like they are the luckiest man alive to have us. And in reality, they replaced us while we sat home with the remote in our hand. They probably never shed a tear for their hurtful betrayal. They never came to a point where they said "Whoa- I need to stop this NOW"... no, they think about themself. They become selfish and self-centered monsters. They become strangers... they become the total opposite of what you thought they were. This was a man you felt the safest and most comfortable around... and he stabs you in the back. This is a man who made you fall in love and prepare to spend the rest of your life with him... and it wasn't good enough. NOTHING will ever be good enough for him. He will be the type of man who grows old alone... and pays for a few hookers now and then as he gets older and more miserable. He will live with the mistake the rest of his life. He will realize what a great life he could have had... if he hasn't already realized it.

 

It makes me sick... it brings tears to my eyes as I type b/c after all we give-- this is what we get in return. EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I think you told me that in on of my earlier posts "My b/f of 6 years cheated for 3 months." As crazy as it sounds... I would be willing to take my x back, suck him in like he use to be... and do the same thing to him. (No, I really wouldn't do that) But, what revenge do we get? How much do they really care about what they lost? I wonder sometimes. My X has been calling and I have been giving in a little too much and probably making it seem like I'm chasing him. But I'm not. I talk to him for closure... he owes me answers and I owe him my view of what he did to our relationship. But it all comes down to the fact that no matter how much they miss us- THEY made this all happen. They were the ones who saw something more important at the time and took the risk of losing us forever. I know you said this all happened earlier in your life but you shouldn't give up hope on being happy with someone. You deserve someone- you BELONG with someone- don't you believe that? Why would you let what happened with your X stop you from a life you deserve? HE should be alone- not you. You have EVERYTHING a great guy would want. I can tell from what you post. There are many men out there searching for someone just like you. That's what I try to tell myself. I'm a little F*****-up right now b/c my relationship for 6 years just ended. I can't let it get the best of me. I will never feel unworthy of love b/c some man I gave my life to turned HIS back... maybe we both will thank them one day. (That's what I'll text my X next time he calls!)

[Medgirl]

Yes, I know it will be hard, but I DONT FEEL FOR HIM ANYMORE. Yes, I was VERY upset when I dumped him today. I was shaking, crying, I couldn't look him in the face, but I know that I can't get back with him. You're right, it will just take distancing. Unfortunatly we still have that math class together and we agreed to sit by eachother still so that things wouldn't get weird. I'm fully aware that it's going to hurt for a while and that I'm going to have boyfriend withdrawls, but it's DONE. I don't love him ANYMORE. That's when I knew it was time to break up with him. I woke up feeling nothing for him. Sure, I would still like to be friends with him like I'm friends with all my exboyfriends but he won't get me again. Soo many people today told me that they were glad I broke up with him. Sooo many people said that I could do better. I think he's a pretty good guy. For the most part he's nice, but he's NOT what I'm looking for. As for your incident, I've already had it happen before, but different. Last night I called my exboyfriend because... I just felt like I needed to. He's really good at putting me in perspective. We dated for about 3 years and he knows everything about me. So, I called him and told him my situation. He told me I was stupid for dating this guy, I have bad judgement, and I promised him that I wouldn't date jerks to sum it up. He was very sympathetic. He always treated me very nice and we got on the topic of our relationship. He asked me if I'd ever date him again and I said "ummmm maybe, I dunno" so I asked him the same question and he said "no, I don't think so" so that kinda sucked. I don't know WHY I said that. Actually I was sorta just trying to be nice. BUT he has a girlfriend. I don't want to get back together with him. TEMPTING but not a good idea. Anyway, I'm feeling better already. Tomorrow will be hard when I see him in math though. Let's just pray that everyone acts like adults.

[Fandango]

Wow this all sounds so familiar, you're all talking about my husband aren't you? Although I don't know if he was actually cheating, he had a horrible history of cheating on every other woman in his life, but he was with me constantly, so I dont' know...well..ahhhh, who gives a **** now! I finally got fed up of his controlling/abusive/arrogant/ignorant/disgusting...etc..etc...ways, he actually did his very best to convince me that I was insane. I was actually getting to the point where I was having violent thoughts toward him, which is not of my nature. I guess he just brought the best out in me. I could actually write a book about all the crazy mind games he played, perhaps someday I will.

 

Well, I'm glad to say I packed my kids up and left a few months ago in the middle of the night him screaming profanities at me, while my children stood there crying & holding hands. This is one of the last memories they have of their stepfather, because the next day we moved 1200kms away. I was not interested in seeing how he was going to react to the break up.

 

My kids are doing much better, and I am enjoying having the freedom to buy whatever I want when I do the groceries...go to bed when I feel like it, and just enjoy the quiet in the evenings. Life Is Good!

 

Medgirl~ Life is way too short to spend it with someone you obviously don't want to be with. Your making a good decision. Albeit a difficult one.

[bittersweet]

Medgirl- good for you nut you have to be careful. Being in the same class with him this week will seem "normal" but you have to keep your strength for the weekend. That's when I lose it. That's when I start feeling so out of place. I've spent the last 6 years in the presence of my X and now I have to find new things to keep me busy. I went shopping last weekend. It felt good at first but it wasn bad that I went to a store we use to always go to together. Try to avoid places you've been with him. Try to avoid songs that remind you of him... try to avoid ANYTHING that reminds you of him b/c it gets you for your weakness. Like I said, I dread the weekend- especially this coming weekend b/c it's Easter. I can't imagine what it will be like w/o him. I can't even think about it. I know he will call me and I have a feeling he would be manipulating and ask if I want to go to his mother's (like I have the last 6 years) but I CAN"T. We aren't together. I have to remember that- You have to remember that. Don't set yourself up in situations that will make you vulnerable. as strong as you seem- the reality is you are breaking a million patterns at the same time and you need to stay focused. Remember the bad times- erase the good. remember the fights and forget the tears. That's what I'm trying to do right now.

 

Fandango-

WOW! I feel for you. You have children involved and that just make the whole accepting thing even harder. you gave me goose-bumps when you described the last night your children saw their father. It makes it even more confusing- WHY DO THEY DO THIS?

 

It's comforting to hear about stories like your b/c it proves that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I look up to you for sharing that experience with us all- I know it must be hard. Your X sounds like mine. Manipulating, abusive, arrogant, and controlling. It makes me feel ashamed that I fell in love with a creature like that. It makes me angry that I let soooooo much slide over the years but that's another story. My X put me throw so much that maybe I will write a book too some day! He never did much to ME but lets just say he was destroying his life and I stayed around to take the ride through HELL- I only stayed though b/c I thought he would respect me more. I only stayed b/c I really believed we would be so happy one day. And now I am here. He cheated for 3 months, made me think he was sorry, and then turned his back on me ( and still talks to this other piece of s***! ) I can't understand and that's why I wonder what REALLY is going on.

[Fandango]

Bittersweet ~

 

I have to say, I'm quite proud of myself too, I have no idea where the strength came from. I have no idea why people (not just men) feel the need to do this, and I don't know if I'll ever really understand it. I know my husband had a really messed childhood, that I think he needs to deal with. But that really is no excuse, it's the past, doesn't mean he has any right to treat me like I'm a piece of crap. As far as the night we left, it was awful, but I tell you..any time I may even consider going back to him, I just think of that night...and how terrified my boys were...and that's the end of that thought.

[kittykat6600]

i agree with u girls. i am going through the same stuff with my b/f. we have been together for 9 yrs. we are both 24 and have a 3yr old son together. we just moved in for the first time together on march 18th. we have been through some pretty rough times. and i suffer from depression. i have to take anti depressants now and he throws it in my face saying i am crazy.

 

he doesnt understand that part of the reason my mind is wacking out is b/c of what he put me through. i been through at least 5 girls with him in our 9 yrs. especially in high school. he tells people that i am not responsible b/c i have a hard time keepin good jobs b/c of the depression i go through..recently(*about a few months ago) i found out that he had been cheating on me with a girl who works with him but went away to college. she knew about me and our son. this girl also cheated with my brother. he took her to her prom behind his girls back. his girl knows nothing about it.

 

well my b/f and i were seriosly about to split up. i was on my way without him. he came crying back and like a dummy i fell for it again. all i wanted was a happy family living together. now i think hes up to his old tricks. he treats me like crap. totlly!!! he puts me down, if we fight he says "thats why i told her to not find someone else. i knew it wouldnt last long with us" the says hes only saying that to make me mad.

 

im at my wits end and dont know which way to turn. i have no where else to live but dont wanna keep living like this. i feel ive cried my last cry (although i know there will be many more) i just want to be happy.. the way i thought we were gonna be. and as usual eveything is my fault.

[bittersweet]

You are in a tough situation. Do you feel like you too are only together for your child? Is he showing signs that he's been cheating recently? This sounds nuts but I understand why you took him back all the times you did. Many people might tell you, "you should have left the first time," but I know why you stayed. When I found out my b/f was cheating, I took him back b/c I thought he felt sorry for what he did. I took him back and tried to deny what happened. I was trying to put it in the past- like he told me I should. Meanwhile, he never ended things with the other girl. he ended up leaving me last week. Now he chases and when I show a sign of interest, he backs away again. He hasn't called. But, the scary thing is now everything is becoming a reality. I'm constantly going through different emotions- emotions I wouldn't be able to feel if he were around still. I stayed and thought I was able to get over everything. I'm studying Psychology in college and the term they use is "return of the repressed." This is when you ignore painful situations and never grieve things. Kind of like "I can forgive but can't forget." The return comes when the next bad thing happens and ALL the painful things you didn't grieve come alive again at the same time. It's not just about what they did THIS time- it's about what they've done wrong EVERY time before. Now that I am not with him... I'm starting to grieve over things that happened 6 years ago between me and him. I feel like they just happened now. Everything comes alive again and it is very painful and challenging.

 

You need to really talk to him about how you feel. Maybe you two need to do family counseling (b/c you are a family even if you aren't married). you have a child with him and he might always use that against you. He might feel like "you will never leave me because of our child and because you can't go anywhere else." Don't let him feel that way. You are still as capable of cheating as he is. Just b/c you are the mother doesn't mean you need to shut up and sit back to keep things comfortable for your kid. It will only get worse. If you REALLY feel like you have a reason to leave- leave. I know how much you believed in so many dreams he was part of... that is the hardest part of moving on. No matter what, stick up for yourself and tell him exactly what you feel and intend to do it s*** doesn't change. He might need to be woken up a little. He may have gotten too comfortable with you and you need to remind him that you can make your own decisions... and take his child with you if you need to leave.

[kittykat6600]

u hit it right on the button. thank u so much for sharing that with me. all this time for the past year or so i started really fallin out of love with him and started seeing myself more and more independent but at the same time, i felt lost. like i didnt know who i was. everything changed around me and it felt like i was stuck in my head.it shocked me so much to find out that he was doing this to me last year but i was surprised at myself b/c of how well i took it. i barely put up a fight.and thats not typically how i wouldve reacted. i changed my mode back into being his right hand girl. i did every and anything he wanted me to do. just so i could move out. right down to what hrs i work. i abide by his rule... and he goes out at least 6 out of 7 nights... but i just kept brushing it off cause i wanted a good house by ourselves for our son. when all this time... i havent been noticing how much more he's hurt from us staying together. i grew up like, that which is the other half of the reason i have depression.i know what it feels like as a kid and i never would wish that feeling on my worst enemy. this guy put me through so much hell and my family had to sit and watch all this. my parents wanted to say something so many times because they saw me hurt.but i asked them not to so he wouldnt blame me and fight.

 

and now that ive read what u wrote back to me... it feels like this big weight has lifted from my chest. it puts it in place for me. thank u so freakin much!!!!

[kittykat]

Hi well I would suggest that you read my story first bittersweet cause everything you would need to know about me is there, the headline of it is "my guy is driving me up the wall" There is some truth to what you have said but I have not been able to prove to myself or to him about the cheating thing. So if you have the time to read my post then I would appreciate your input.

 

thanks.........................from kittykat

[kittykat6600]

i am so sorry to hear about everything. i feel for u because i am going through the exact same stuff and feelings right now. i dont know which way to turn. he can be quite nasty and rude with me as well. and while his mom is nice to me to my face and most of the time,i am sure she has had her say about our relatioship to him and he's a mamas boy. his parents have mostly negative outlooks onlife. when i got pregnant his mom told him his lifes over now.they never made him take care of his responsibility to us. they said he was old enough to make his own decisions and they cant do anything yet when he didnt take the garbage out his dad threatened to put it all over his bed.

 

i also go crazy every time he leaves the house thinking about where he is and what hes doing.and when he isnt home from work or has to stay late. he cheated with a girl from work and she comes home from college on holiday and possibly weekends for all i know. and thats usually when the have parties to do (this i know is true) but how am i to know that its over. especially since she obviously doesnt seem to care that im in the picture. the thing is long after i found out about her (on my own,he wouldnt fess up at 1st) he wouldnt stop talkin to her even after he says he chose me over her. i would catch him saying that he talked to her.

 

thats why im on here looking for advice... i dont know which way to turn anymore.... good luck....kat

[bittersweet]

kittykat

I can't find your post. Which heading is it under and @ when did you post? I really want to read it!

 

Kittykat6600

That's how my relationship turned out. He was the master and I was the servant. He had total control over everything. He would put me down when I dressed sexy (for him) and would tell me to change clothes b/c he didn't want guys to look at me. He would control the music in the car, TV channel, and even where we would go (if we ever went somewhere!) I liked it at first b/c I felt so important... but then it got sickening. He was ALWAYS right. HE always had the last word. He always talked about his life and never gave a S*** about what I was dealing with in my life. I have been in college the whole 6 years we were together and he never showed much interest in what school was like for me. He never understood that it stressed me out and I was "ignoring him" if I had to study. Someone once told me here that "he was never proud of my accomplishments" and it is true. He didn't go to college. We are very different with that whole idea. Our families are different... which brings up another point. My parents hate his guts. That is b/c he messed things up with them when he was "using" and he hasn't made an attempt to reconcile with them. THIS was always our biggest problem. To be honest, that is the reason why things are the way they are today... he saw no hope b/c he did so much damage. They don't even know I've been with his all these years. I denied it for a long time (even though they knew deep down inside). But again, this was MY fault. He uses the situation with my parents for why he cheated- like things could never become more than they were b/c they didn't like him. He was wrong. He knew what needed to be done and ran away instead- SELFISH! Just another example of how he doesn't take responsibility for his actions. He burns bridges all around him and leaves his messes for me to clean up.

 

When things get this bad, you start saying to yourself, "I should have listened to so-and-so!"

[kittykat]

you can find it under "my guy is driving me up the wall"

[bittersweet]

"where" is that post? Under cheating, dating, breaking-up....? I'm sorry- I just CAN't find it and have been looking through the posts!!!

 

Whis TOPIC?

[Evo]

I feel your pain!!! I felt the same way after breaking up with my ex.

 

One thing that helped me get through the process of moving on was keeping as busy as possible! Yes, I took a week or two to bawl my eyes out on the couch and watch Pretty Woman 20 times in my pajamas with a bucket of cookie dough in my grasp...

 

But then I got up, took a shower (finally-yikes!!), put down the cookie dough and got my @ss out of the house!

 

The friends I hadn't entirely dropped for my loser ex (and the ones who understood why I did drop them) took me out to show me a good time. I joined a softball team to get some competitive energy out of my system and meet new people. I actually found out where the library was and drowned myself in a some good books. I took long drives in my car with the windows down and my favorite music up. (and didn't even care if my hair got all messed up!). I went for walks and got on a treadmill a few times a week.

 

The more I started to take care of myself again and spend time with people who were actually nice to me, the quicker my self-confidence came back. I realized that I don't NEED some stupid loser to make me feel whole. I was proud to be my own person. And THAT was when I got out there and felt ready to meet someone else.

 

Keep busy and take good care of yourself. You probably haven't put yourself first in a very long time!

[kittykat]

its under second chances go to the search thing on the top and type in my guy is driving me up the wall and press enter and it will take you to it

[rockstarmusician]

Yikes..

[kittykat6600]

it makes me feel so much better to know that i am not the only one going through this., not that im glad that u girls have to go through this,its just good to know im not as CRAZY as he makes me feel!!!

[bittersweet]

That's what it all comes down to! It guess it gets harder before it gets easier. Right now, I'm in the most painful and confusing stage. He keeps calling me and telling me that he still sees himself with me. He knows he did a lot of harm. My silence is the only way he will see that and lately I've been giving in too much. Honestly, I don't know what will happen b/w us but right now I know I am going to do everything and anything to get my mind off of him and I'm trying my hardest to move on. I went out last night and even though I had a good time, deep down I missed him so much and kept wishing I was sleeping beside him. I drank- a lot, and gave in and called him 3 this morning and left a nasty message, then a message crying. I lost control- once again. I'm sitting here and NEED to do something. I want to go shopping or something- but know I will get upset. Last few times I went shopping were hard. I never thought I would avoid so many places, right down to the roads near his house. He had the nerve to invite me to his Mother's for Easter. I laughed at him. He needs to realize the truth like I do- we are not together.

 

You said it took a few weeks for you to get up again. I'm forcing myself. i need to work and go to school. But, how did you let him go in your mind? I met so many guys last night and felt guilty talking to them. I forced myself. I wasn't interested though. I keep thinking of him. I hate it.

 

"Feeling whole"- That is what i'm trying to do b/c right now I feel empty and lost. I never realized how much I depended on him and became enmeshed in him. I was only happy when he was around. I only felt "whole" the last 6 years b/c he was in my life and he created the person I became today-- and lest me in the dust.

[kittykat6600]

that is exactly what i am going through. last night he picked me up from work and was questioning me about my check (which he already knows the answers to, he just likes making himself feel more important b/c he brings in more money.)and i was feeling really sick yesterday. my throat was swollen and my head was throbbing. he knew this. even before i went to work. he told me to suck it up and go in. and i did because he made me pick up extra days and i dont wanna call off any more days than i already have because of this darn depression i go through.ok so anyways.. he starts questioning me and i tell him i dont understand what hes trying to say to me cause i dont understand math questions as fast as he does. so i tell him to drop it. i dont wanna fight and i dont feel well. so he takes his finger and pushes it into my cheek.I HATE WHEN ANYONE TOUCHES MY FACE. let alone,him being violent towards me while hes driving.so i tell him that he better never lay another finger one me or we WILL fight. and i think we should see other people and that its not working out. he says he agrees and thats the way he always said it should be. i told him that i felt it comin to and end and that i prepared myself to start seeing others. now hes all sweet.helping me clean (out of the blue)...calling me hun and sweetie...i dont understand why it takes for me to get all worked up for him to show his love... i feel i see little bits and pieces of our relationship in evey story we post. and its helping me to figure things out and realize that im not alone. and it helps ALOT!!!! ((((HUG))))

[bittersweet]

You are exactly on the money, girl! As soon as they realize that we don't "need" them and could find another man- they all the sudden sharpen up. After all that has happened b/w my ex and I, he STILL is so jealous of the fact that I can meet soooo many nice guys. He was telling me the last few days that he wants to be with me and end things with the other girl- but he feels like he could never make it up to me. I flipped things around and told him, "I hope the two of you have a great life together... I'm OUT!" Then he really started to chase me. He knows I've been going out- he knows I'm moving on with my life and last night he called me while he was ending things with her. He still insists he has no feelings for her- but she made him pity her since she has no place to go. He says he wants to start things all over with me... It tempts me so much but I CAN"T let myself get hurt again. He put me through soooo much. He wanted me to come over to talk. I said no way! I told him that just b/c he ended things with her doesn't make him desirable. I told him the real deal is what happens in the next few weeks. I told him that he has a lot coming. She will be calling, crying, begging, blaming, cursing, and making him feel bad. I do not want to be any part of it. Honestly, I really don't care that he ended things with her b/c I knew it would happen eventually. She has nothing on me- she doesn't have a job, she's immature, and basically used him for a place to stay. I don't NEED him that way. I want love, independence and respect in a relationship. She is on a totally different level. She even messes with other guys. I told him not to even try getting back with me until he sees me and her on two different levels. I'm NOt competing with her. I won't allow her life to be compared to mine. I won't let myself feel like she is better than me. This all woke him up. I haven't spoken to him. We just text each other and he has been leaving messages. The best thing for me right now is to stay distant and probably go for therapy to boost my self esteem. For the first time in a while, I finally have control again and I don't want to lose it.

 

My point is, when we start acting like we don't care about losing them- they start chasing like crazy. This is the critical point- this is what it all comes down to. The balls in our park finally and it is up to us to decide if we will take the risk of getting hurt again or if we let them have a taste of their own medicine. You and your guy need to talk. My ex and I would have arguments like yours and not long after was when he started cheating. He would say, "we need to take a break," and the only reason why I stayed was because I was afraid he'd meet someone else. Then I suffocated him... and got rejected and cheated on. He would always act like he didn't care if I left him, but deep down it made him crazy. He would say, "I'll be okay," or "I wouldn't even get involved with someone else." The whole thing seems confusing. This is what was going on before he started cheating. When I have time one day, I'm going to post the way my relationship was RIGHT before he strayed and cheated. Maybe it will be helpful to people who are having difficulties. Something changes in their mind and it stems from little things that build up. I'll post about what was going on in my relationship. For now, be aware and stay STRong! You are very vulnerable right now because certain words came out of your mouth that made you boyfriend realize that things aren't perfect. That's good but some guys prepare to move on before the break actually happens. My b/f is the best example. He started moving on 3 months before I even knew. He had a crutch and someone to fall back on- no matter how much he says she meant nothing to him.

[Evo]

They always come back to you once they think you don't want them anymore - it's a GAME. And the fact that they're coming back when you try to move on is a warning sign to you that you are just that to him - a GAME. Guys like that want control over you - they want to know they were able to push all your buttons.

 

It's when you stop reacting to them and do your own thing that they realize they're losing control. They're losing the game. You need to realize that this is the only reason that he is calling and being all sweet.

 

A piece of advice for you - don't even waste your time talking with him - I know you want to tell him that you aren't on the same level as the other girl - he knows that already - believe me!!!! He will do anything to get back into your life. He'll call and say anything as long as he can just get you to talk to him. The second you let even a speck of him in, he will try to pry his way in. And considering the fragile state you're in, you're vulnerable to letting him in again (I almost did the same thing). Don't torture yourself - just stop talking to him.

 

As I wrote before, I know what you're going through. I broke up with my ex a year ago and he STILL calls me about once every two weeks. Thank God for caller ID because I know better than to answer the phone.

 

Seriously, you are so above and beyond this guy - you know it, and he knows it. Please don't think I don't feel your pain, but it just kills me to see you wasting your time sweating it out over guys like this. The only reason I can see this is because I'm past that tough point that you're not yet at. So PLEASE - do not waste another second of your awesome life arguing with him, trying to put him in his place, etc. IT"S NOT WORTH IT!!!

 

You will see, just like I did, you will be laughing about this someday. I could kick myself for having not done this sooner!

 

Life is too short for this stuff. We are young, friggin' awesome girls who deserve nothing but the best!! We don't have time for this crap. Don't waste anymore of it on a LOSER!!! There are too many good things (and great men!!) to be getting stressed out over one dumb guy.

 

Ok, I'm done.

[kittykat6600]

i know he was using the girl he was seeing at his job as someone to fall back on. but now that he "chose me", i feel threatened. like i have to do what he wants so he doesnt do it again. it sux that it took the attention from another guy to wake me up. i poured my heart out to this guy and he was right there for me but he also was tryng to stear me in the right direction. although i know that me and that guy cant get together for many reasons, i feel that he was my soul mate. we could talk about any and everything together. we helped each other and stood by each other. i miss him alot . this guy was everything i wanted but i knew it was bad timimng and if its meant to be it'll happen. no matter what i do, i cant find that same feeling towards my b/f. its just the way he is that makes me feel uncomfortable to talk to him about things that are important to me. plus i know he will always be controlling. i read a card from this girl he messed with from his job for his birthday.( he left it on my seat in the car when he picked me up) she told him she loved him and always would and even though shes at college , she thinks of him all the time. she says she knows he doesnt like when she tell him how she feels like that . he used to do that to me too. when i saw that i realized he had the problem.. not me