i hurt my son so much, how can i help him? please help me

[bubblegum]

thank you for all who will take the time to read this,it may get lengthly: i met him when i was 13 he was 22 fresh out of the marines. i was so hungry for love, affection and attention, i new he would be my only love. he gave me all the attention i could have, my family hated him, i loved him, we never even kissed tho. he left and broke my heart then came back again when i was 15. we got together and never left each others side as i moved out at that time. pregnant at sixteen a baby boy at seventeen, i didn't bond with him, i didn't know what to do with him,i didn't know how to love him, i resented his pressence. two weeks later we all moved 800 miles away. still wanting and needing my own mom i couldn't be there for him. i started slapping him when he would cry in the night and wake me, his daddy did this too. pregnant again at 17 even while on birth control, another baby, a little girl, my angel, i bonded to her but not right away. i loved her so much in the end tho, i didn't want her out of my sight. i left the daddy at 19 and moved back home to mom. i took my daughter and left my son with his daddy, he was after all daddy's boy now. a year later i was given custody of both my kids, i did want my son with me dispite the way i treated him. he was left in a playpen most of the time and spanked alot and yelled at alot. at the age of 2 1/2 my son and daughter now 1 1/2 was taken from me from daddy. he took them back to his home state 800 miles away, mind you i had full custody of them. two months later i made a trip out there to get my kids, but he would'nt give them to me. i managed to literally steal my son back and fled home. after several court hearings and appeals they finally left them where they were at, my daughter with her daddy and my son with me. this was not the way it should of been. during the course of my sons life, he was verbally abused and mentally abused and physically abused. i was not allowed to see my daughter, her daddy would not let me, after several trips back out there to see her, he hid her from me every time, it's like he knew when i was there some how and hid her, i even hid in bushes by his house to get a peak at my little girl, they never came home. the life my son lived has had a very bad impact on him, of course it would, i never knew it would tho. i had him and me in counseling to no avail, he learned to manipulate the counselors, and not listen to me. my daughter in the mean time was being raised in an all hispanic neighborhood and wanted to be hispanic and had even hoped that her mom was hispanic, but i'm not. all through the years i sent her pictures of her brother and new sister and myself. her dad cut out my other daughter and myself and gave her the pictures of her brother only. he never gave her my letters, but gave her the gifts i sent her kept any money i sent her according to her cause she said she never got money from me, (i asked her). my daughter finally called me when she was 16, terrified of her dad finding out she begged me not to tell him. we moved out there in 1991, she was 17, he 18. i saw her for the first time then. my son had moved out with his dad when i couldn't handle him anymore, his dad also was abusive to them both but not as harshly as i had been to him. my daughter and i clashed almost from the start. she talked with an hispanic accent and was wild and rowdy and sleazy looking. i still felt a bond with her tho but it didn't seem to be returned, she seemed more into herself then anything, but heck she was only 17 so what did i expect? well sense then, my son has graduated is a father himself and does not even like the mother. he is not abusive but he is an alcoholic and he is good to his kids. everything i had hoped he would be at least. my daughter is not talking to me, she is a user and has washed her hands of her sister and me because we refused to help her any more after feeling used by her. this hurts me so much. even tho we had absolutely nothing in common she is still my daughter and i love her and my beautiful granddaughter. i will wait until is ready to come to me, i have told her even if you have washed your hands of me, does not mean that i have of you and i will always be available to you if you change your mind and i hope you do. it has been over a month and i still havent heard from her, she is undecided if i should see the granddaughter who is five years old now. my son has suffered so much tho, he is the one i worry about and want to help. he has extreme low-self-esteem, is an alcoholic, but has been at the same job for two years now, a record for him. i know what i did to him in the past has ruined him as a man and killed his self-esteem, but there must be somthing i can do for him, he now lives 800 miles away while i live in the same town i came to when i left their daddy. one other thing is i had another baby when i was 25, my sweet loving daughter, God love her and bless her always, i have never laid a hand on her and never will. she is now 19 and due in oct with her first. is there any books i can give to my son to help him or any advice i can give him to help him. sorry this is so long, but i had to get this off my chest in hopes that someone will have some advice for me. thanks for listening.......

[Kerrie]

thank you for all who will take the time to read this,it may get lengthly: i met him when i was 13 he was 22 fresh out of the marines. i was so hungry for love, affection and attention, i new he would be my only love. he gave me all the attention i could have, my family hated him, i loved him, we never even kissed tho. he left and broke my heart then came back again when i was 15. we got together and never left each others side as i moved out at that time. pregnant at sixteen a baby boy at seventeen, i didn't bond with him, i didn't know what to do with him,i didn't know how to love him, i resented his pressence. two weeks later we all moved 800 miles away. still wanting and needing my own mom i couldn't be there for him. i started slapping him when he would cry in the night and wake me, his daddy did this too. pregnant again at 17 even while on birth control, another baby, a little girl, my angel, i bonded to her but not right away. i loved her so much in the end tho, i didn't want her out of my sight. i left the daddy at 19 and moved back home to mom. i took my daughter and left my son with his daddy, he was after all daddy's boy now. a year later i was given custody of both my kids, i did want my son with me dispite the way i treated him. he was left in a playpen most of the time and spanked alot and yelled at alot. at the age of 2 1/2 my son and daughter now 1 1/2 was taken from me from daddy. he took them back to his home state 800 miles away, mind you i had full custody of them. two months later i made a trip out there to get my kids, but he would'nt give them to me. i managed to literally steal my son back and fled home. after several court hearings and appeals they finally left them where they were at, my daughter with her daddy and my son with me. this was not the way it should of been. during the course of my sons life, he was verbally abused and mentally abused and physically abused. i was not allowed to see my daughter, her daddy would not let me, after several trips back out there to see her, he hid her from me every time, it's like he knew when i was there some how and hid her, i even hid in bushes by his house to get a peak at my little girl, they never came home. the life my son lived has had a very bad impact on him, of course it would, i never knew it would tho. i had him and me in counseling to no avail, he learned to manipulate the counselors, and not listen to me. my daughter in the mean time was being raised in an all hispanic neighborhood and wanted to be hispanic and had even hoped that her mom was hispanic, but i'm not. all through the years i sent her pictures of her brother and new sister and myself. her dad cut out my other daughter and myself and gave her the pictures of her brother only. he never gave her my letters, but gave her the gifts i sent her kept any money i sent her according to her cause she said she never got money from me, (i asked her). my daughter finally called me when she was 16, terrified of her dad finding out she begged me not to tell him. we moved out there in 1991, she was 17, he 18. i saw her for the first time then. my son had moved out with his dad when i couldn't handle him anymore, his dad also was abusive to them both but not as harshly as i had been to him. my daughter and i clashed almost from the start. she talked with an hispanic accent and was wild and rowdy and sleazy looking. i still felt a bond with her tho but it didn't seem to be returned, she seemed more into herself then anything, but heck she was only 17 so what did i expect? well sense then, my son has graduated is a father himself and does not even like the mother. he is not abusive but he is an alcoholic and he is good to his kids. everything i had hoped he would be at least. my daughter is not talking to me, she is a user and has washed her hands of her sister and me because we refused to help her any more after feeling used by her. this hurts me so much. even tho we had absolutely nothing in common she is still my daughter and i love her and my beautiful granddaughter. i will wait until is ready to come to me, i have told her even if you have washed your hands of me, does not mean that i have of you and i will always be available to you if you change your mind and i hope you do. it has been over a month and i still havent heard from her, she is undecided if i should see the granddaughter who is five years old now. my son has suffered so much tho, he is the one i worry about and want to help. he has extreme low-self-esteem, is an alcoholic, but has been at the same job for two years now, a record for him. i know what i did to him in the past has ruined him as a man and killed his self-esteem, but there must be somthing i can do for him, he now lives 800 miles away while i live in the same town i came to when i left their daddy. one other thing is i had another baby when i was 25, my sweet loving daughter, God love her and bless her always, i have never laid a hand on her and never will. she is now 19 and due in oct with her first. is there any books i can give to my son to help him or any advice i can give him to help him. sorry this is so long, but i had to get this off my chest in hopes that someone will have some advice for me. thanks for listening.......

[Kerrie]

thank you for all who will take the time to read this,it may get lengthly: i met him when i was 13 he was 22 fresh out of the marines. i was so hungry for love, affection and attention, i new he would be my only love. he gave me all the attention i could have, my family hated him, i loved him, we never even kissed tho. he left and broke my heart then came back again when i was 15. we got together and never left each others side as i moved out at that time. pregnant at sixteen a baby boy at seventeen, i didn't bond with him, i didn't know what to do with him,i didn't know how to love him, i resented his pressence. two weeks later we all moved 800 miles away. still wanting and needing my own mom i couldn't be there for him. i started slapping him when he would cry in the night and wake me, his daddy did this too. pregnant again at 17 even while on birth control, another baby, a little girl, my angel, i bonded to her but not right away. i loved her so much in the end tho, i didn't want her out of my sight. i left the daddy at 19 and moved back home to mom. i took my daughter and left my son with his daddy, he was after all daddy's boy now. a year later i was given custody of both my kids, i did want my son with me dispite the way i treated him. he was left in a playpen most of the time and spanked alot and yelled at alot. at the age of 2 1/2 my son and daughter now 1 1/2 was taken from me from daddy. he took them back to his home state 800 miles away, mind you i had full custody of them. two months later i made a trip out there to get my kids, but he would'nt give them to me. i managed to literally steal my son back and fled home. after several court hearings and appeals they finally left them where they were at, my daughter with her daddy and my son with me. this was not the way it should of been. during the course of my sons life, he was verbally abused and mentally abused and physically abused. i was not allowed to see my daughter, her daddy would not let me, after several trips back out there to see her, he hid her from me every time, it's like he knew when i was there some how and hid her, i even hid in bushes by his house to get a peak at my little girl, they never came home. the life my son lived has had a very bad impact on him, of course it would, i never knew it would tho. i had him and me in counseling to no avail, he learned to manipulate the counselors, and not listen to me. my daughter in the mean time was being raised in an all hispanic neighborhood and wanted to be hispanic and had even hoped that her mom was hispanic, but i'm not. all through the years i sent her pictures of her brother and new sister and myself. her dad cut out my other daughter and myself and gave her the pictures of her brother only. he never gave her my letters, but gave her the gifts i sent her kept any money i sent her according to her cause she said she never got money from me, (i asked her). my daughter finally called me when she was 16, terrified of her dad finding out she begged me not to tell him. we moved out there in 1991, she was 17, he 18. i saw her for the first time then. my son had moved out with his dad when i couldn't handle him anymore, his dad also was abusive to them both but not as harshly as i had been to him. my daughter and i clashed almost from the start. she talked with an hispanic accent and was wild and rowdy and sleazy looking. i still felt a bond with her tho but it didn't seem to be returned, she seemed more into herself then anything, but heck she was only 17 so what did i expect? well sense then, my son has graduated is a father himself and does not even like the mother. he is not abusive but he is an alcoholic and he is good to his kids. everything i had hoped he would be at least. my daughter is not talking to me, she is a user and has washed her hands of her sister and me because we refused to help her any more after feeling used by her. this hurts me so much. even tho we had absolutely nothing in common she is still my daughter and i love her and my beautiful granddaughter. i will wait until is ready to come to me, i have told her even if you have washed your hands of me, does not mean that i have of you and i will always be available to you if you change your mind and i hope you do. it has been over a month and i still havent heard from her, she is undecided if i should see the granddaughter who is five years old now. my son has suffered so much tho, he is the one i worry about and want to help. he has extreme low-self-esteem, is an alcoholic, but has been at the same job for two years now, a record for him. i know what i did to him in the past has ruined him as a man and killed his self-esteem, but there must be somthing i can do for him, he now lives 800 miles away while i live in the same town i came to when i left their daddy. one other thing is i had another baby when i was 25, my sweet loving daughter, God love her and bless her always, i have never laid a hand on her and never will. she is now 19 and due in oct with her first. is there any books i can give to my son to help him or any advice i can give him to help him. sorry this is so long, but i had to get this off my chest in hopes that someone will have some advice for me. thanks for listening.......

My God. I don't really know what to say except that there are a lot of people hurting here. Without wanting you to feel worse, I can understand why you feel guilty and, although I am not trying to justify where your son has ended up, try to remember you are human too and you can't take back the past, but you can alter the future. You owe it to your children to investigate every avenue possible. They've not had the best start, have they.

 

It sounds like there are 'chains' being passed on here. I mean, what is your family background to be so hungry for love at 13 and to feel comfortable with your parents hating your guy. I just wonder what went on for you to crave love so much and to be so strongly attracted to an older guy. A daddy syndrome perhaps?

 

There seems to be generations of habits/attitudes handed down here and you won't change them over night. However, for the sake of your children and theirs, you have to start working on making some wrongs right.

 

I think it is obvious that some pretty intense couselling is needed here. I know you say he learned to manipulate the councellour, but quite possibly this particular cousellour may not have had the repore with your son that is required. Maybe you could start councelling before mentioning anything to your son, just to get a grip on how you feel, cry a lot and get a clearer idea of how you would like the next few years played out. Seems you must have a lot to work out before you can really help any of your children. otherwise, you run the risk of putting them back on an emotional roller coaster.

 

Put simply, you are not going to undo 18 years of damage over night, but you can get a great head start if you are fully committed and a little clearer in the outcome you wish for. Be prepared for lots of negativity too, both from within yourself and very likely your son. He is likely to be angry at both of his parents and you may just have to cop the brunt of both. Go with it and do not tell him he is wrong - there is no wrong or right with feelings and i suspect there is a lot of anger burried somewhere. It is the least you can do is to let him vent his anger and frustration at not having a good start to life, and a very bad example of a family unit. I know I would be angry if I was him, and very, very sad. Explain you were a little girl yourself but never try and justify what went on. Justification is more insulting as from his eyes, there probably isn't anything that can justify. However, you can explain that although you weren't good at showing it, you did always love him.

 

As for books - and I really think you look at yourself for a month or two so you can be a real help to your son so get into the books yourself - two classics are: Louise Hays "you can heal your life" ; The Road Less Travelled (which is done by someone well know but name slipped my mind). Jump on the net, look some up. It has been too many years for me to remember all of the many books which helped in one way or another. Become spiritual if you are not already.

 

For me, being able to forgive my mother and father was intense - and I mean 3 times a week for six months and then once a week for anothe six - couselling with a man that I felt very comfortable with (hard to find good counsellors as often personal vibe needed); lots of reading - as in any book I could get my hands on that had to do with living, loving and healing; and a strong commitment to "breaking the chain that had been passed to me (habits and behavioural patterns). Finally about six months into the process I saw my parents as the children they were and the lessons they were taught and that they were just doing the best that they could, given the knowledge they had.

 

I so hope your son can get to that stage becuase forgivness is a wonderful thing but please, please do not give up on him. Let him experience first hand, from his mother, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Let him be angry, encourage him to cry because that is what a real man can do is be in touch with their emotions and I wold imagine he learned long ago to shut off his emotions. And please be realistic - you have to commit to making a few wrongs right for your future grandchildren as well as your children, no matter if it takes twenty years.

 

I hope you are seriously commited to helping your little boy. He deserves it. Maybe after that you can start working on the other girl.

 

Kerrie

[Tony T]

Read every word Kerrie has written because it couldn't have been said better in such a short piece.

 

By the way, the author of "A Road Less Traveled" is M. Scott Peck. Just like Kerrie said, it's a very great book at will not only be comforting to you but insightful and helpful on getting you on that spiritual path that Kerrie encouraged.

 

I just want to add something, not to make you feel bad, but to help other people who may now or in the future decide to have unplanned children when they are not ready.

 

I was severely abused by a father, after my mother died at 13 and left him with me, brother, 8 and a sister, 6. I mean he was the worst, the abuse was mostly emotional, verbal...I would have preferred beatings because you the pain goes away much sooner (I think).

 

After I reached adulthood, my father felt extremely guilty. The more guilty he felt, the more he reached out to try to make up for what he did, the MORE PISSED OFF it made me. You don't just shoot somebody in the heart and then, as they lay dying a slow death, tell them how sorry you are. And when he used to say, "I did the best I knew how at the time" I became more angry. Speak these words to yourself in private for they are of no consolation to those who have been offended.

 

Your job is not going to be easy. Forgiveness is something your children are going to have to do for themselves when they are ready. What you do to try to show your sorrow, at this point, may or may not piss them off. If they haven't had some degree of counselling, it probably will.

 

I have just deleted 15 paragraphs I wrote below, because while writing them may have been therapeutic for me, I don't think you would have benefited. For that opportunity, I thank you but I am starting anew from this point.

 

Kerrie was so very right about everything she wrote. You need to forgive yourself. Be cautious and gradual in approaching your children. When they are sufficiently ready, mature, understanding, the will forgive you. I don't know if they have reached that point or if they ever will because most abused children are frozen emotionally at a very early stage. The forgiveness will not come all at once in their hearts, but most likely as a gradual thing...like when you download a program on a computer that is extremely slow. The forgiveness may have to be "rebooted" often. One day finally, the entire process will have "downloaded" and forgiveness will be complete.

 

Read any books on codependence or adult children from dysfunctional families. You will learn the dymnamics of why you were the way you were, why your parents were the way they were, and what is in your children's minds at this point.

 

Read some books by John Bradshaw. He has an internet site: http://www.creativegrowth.com He did a PBS series on dysfunctional families about ten years ago and you can get the tapes through PBS, your bookstore, or his Internet site. He has a clinic in Texas completely devoted to healing people from dysfunctional or alcoholic families. When you go to the website, be sure you look it over right to the bottom and plan to be there a while reading the many issues discussed.

 

Your first steps are to forgive yourself. Pay attention to Kerrie's every word and then even perhaps get additional professional help on how you can gain the forgiveness of your children. Maybe, if they are ready, they would go to a cousellor along with you.

 

This is a difficult mission. But let this burden go from your shoulders and let be what will be.

[bubblegum]

thank you both so much for your input. it made me think why i did want and need someone so bad when i was only 13. my family so not a very loving family, in fact i think there was more hate then love. but now that we are all older it seems we all care for each other more. i guess that's the way it should be. i myself still have alot of hurt from the way my sisters hurt me and the mean things they said to me, probably cause i was the youngest i got thr brunt of it all. i even got acussed of being mommy's baby and that was the last thing i felt like, of course tho i ran to mommy when they picked on me instead of standing up to them. well that is not what i wanted to say again, i wanted to say my son lives 800 miles away, and his g'f has tried unsuccessfully to get him into counseling, she says that he is so angry and hateful towards her, i know he has told me he does not love her at all, but stays with her for the kids so he don't have to pay more child support. she has kicked him out several times but he wont leave. he starts school this month for accounting. i tell all the time how proud of him i am, how much i love him, how good looking he is, how his sense of humor is do dry but i always crack up from his dry humor. so he wont go to counseling, all though he had brought this up on his own. by the way he is now 26 and she is 25. i thought maybe i could send him some books on something but i don't know what to send them on; self-esteem, abuses behavior and how to deal with having been abused? co-dependency? i don't know if he is. one things kerrie said that nailed him tho, is that he can't show his emotions unless he is drunk, then he talks about how much he loves me and misses me and she can tell how hurt and confused he is. i have begged him to go to counseling but he wont. i have written him a letter years ago explaining how i had felt about what i had done to him, he denies remembering alot of it, and some he thinks was funny. for example, when he was about 8-9 he didn't listen to me anyway, he was told to stay in his room but he kept coming out, so i tied his hands to the bed, i never thought anything of it, then i left for a couple hours, when i came back he had gotten himself untied and quite a beating for doing so. he remembers that and thinks it was funny, not quite a normal response is it? the other thing that he is, is he is very very passive, so passive it is frustrating. he wont stand up for himself at all, maybe when he is drunk. he says he forgives me for what happened to him when he was a kid, but i still cant forgive my sisters, so i don't know how he can forgive me when he had endured a thousand fold more then i did. also, i got fixed after my third child, i've never hurt a child since my son was 15 or so, i never will again either. my son and me have a good relationship tho, we are both the same in so many ways, i wish i could live by him if i thought it would help him or i could help him by living near him. when we are together it's like we can only tolerate it for short periods, then we are both uncomfortable in a strange way. not that we hate to see each other, we enjoy each other alot but only for short periods at a time. we do howeve (im) each other for quite lengthly times, so much that sometimes i don't respond cause he will keep me on there for hours, but most of the time i respond, but when i have to get off i feel like he thinks i just don't want to talk to him anymore and i tell him, i do, but i have to go to bed or where ever. i'm so sorry this is so long again, i was hoping maybe alittle more insight would help with some books i can send to him, on what topic would i send them tho. he loves to read and i am pretty sure he will read them, if only in private. he is a smart guy, very smart and i think once he opens up he is going to be in so much pain, and anger and i fear for that, but i hope he can get that release if only from a book. thank you again for reading this and helping me. you've pointed out alot of good and helpful things. i don't excuse anything i did, never have never will, but i will keep in mind not to say to him, to try to justify my doing. thank you, again

 

every word Kerrie has written because

it couldn't have been said better in such a short piece. By the way, the author of "A Road Less Traveled" is M. Scott Peck. Just like Kerrie said, it's a very great book at will not only be comforting to you but insightful and helpful on getting you on that spiritual path that Kerrie encouraged. I just want to add something, not to make you feel bad, but to help other people who may now or in the future decide to have unplanned children when they are not ready. I was severely abused by a father, after my mother died at 13 and left him with me, brother, 8 and a sister, 6. I mean he was the worst, the abuse was mostly emotional, verbal...I would have preferred beatings because you the pain goes away much sooner (I think). After I reached adulthood, my father felt extremely guilty. The more guilty he felt, the more he reached out to try to make up for what he did, the MORE PISSED OFF it made me. You don't just shoot somebody in the heart and then, as they lay dying a slow death, tell them how sorry you are. And when he used to say, "I did the best I knew how at the time" I became more angry. Speak these words to yourself in private for they are of no consolation to those who have been offended. Your job is not going to be easy. Forgiveness is something your children are going to have to do for themselves when they are ready. What you do to try to show your sorrow, at this point, may or may not piss them off. If they haven't had some degree of counselling, it probably will.

 

I have just deleted 15 paragraphs I wrote below, because while writing them may have been therapeutic for me, I don't think you would have benefited. For that opportunity, I thank you but I am starting anew from this point. Kerrie was so very right about everything she wrote. You need to forgive yourself. Be cautious and gradual in approaching your children. When they are sufficiently ready, mature, understanding, the will forgive you. I don't know if they have reached that point or if they ever will because most abused children are frozen emotionally at a very early stage. The forgiveness will not come all at once in their hearts, but most likely as a gradual thing...like when you download a program on a computer that is extremely slow. The forgiveness may have to be "rebooted" often. One day finally, the entire process will have "downloaded" and forgiveness will be complete. Read any books on codependence or adult children from dysfunctional families. You will learn the dymnamics of why you were the way you were, why your parents were the way they were, and what is in your children's minds at this point. Read some books by John Bradshaw. He has an internet site: http://www.creativegrowth.com He did a PBS series on dysfunctional families about ten years ago and you can get the tapes through PBS, your bookstore, or his Internet site. He has a clinic in Texas completely devoted to healing people from dysfunctional or alcoholic families. When you go to the website, be sure you look it over right to the bottom and plan to be there a while reading the many issues discussed.

 

Your first steps are to forgive yourself. Pay attention to Kerrie's every word and then even perhaps get additional professional help on how you can gain the forgiveness of your children. Maybe, if they are ready, they would go to a cousellor along with you. This is a difficult mission. But let this burden go from your shoulders and let be what will be.

[Tony T]

You have basically restated the problem here and I stand by Kerrie's post and my post. Please read them again. If you have a question about a very specific situation that I have missed, please state it in one short paragraph and I will gladly comment.

 

As to the issues you have mentioned above, I feel I addressed those in my earlier post.

[bubblegum]

sorry i got carried away, the only thing i am trying to accomplish is to help my son. i don't know what kind of book i can send him that may help him, any suggestions?

You have basically restated the problem here and I stand by Kerrie's post and my post. Please read them again. If you have a question about a very specific situation that I have missed, please state it in one short paragraph and I will gladly comment. As to the issues you have mentioned above, I feel I addressed those in my earlier post.

[Tony T]

Unless your son has specifically asked you for books or literature, don't send him anything. Until he is ready for it, information given to him will be meaningless. Once he asks, any books by John Bradshaw will be great. But you shouldn't send any books on recovery matters to him.

 

On the other hand, a great book for anybody on any occasion is: The Prophet by Kahil Gibran It is a classic and will open up opportunities for you so send him other books. I also recommend you give it a look over yourself.

 

Again, your son has to be ready for books, lectures, talks, etc. Anything you do before he appears to open the door to it could be resented or taken the wrong way.

[Kerrie]

Unless your son has specifically asked you for books or literature, don't send him anything. Until he is ready for it, information given to him will be meaningless. Once he asks, any books by John Bradshaw will be great. But you shouldn't send any books on recovery matters to him. On the other hand, a great book for anybody on any occasion is: The Prophet by Kahil Gibran It is a classic and will open up opportunities for you so send him other books. I also recommend you give it a look over yourself. Again, your son has to be ready for books, lectures, talks, etc. Anything you do before he appears to open the door to it could be resented or taken the wrong way. Hi Bubblegum,

I agree with what Tony is saying about the books and I really feel your main objective at this stage is to sort yourself out as best you can. Worry about books for yourself for a few months. Your son won't take to the counselling, but what about you? Are you really committed to changing the future? If so, six months to strengthen and understand yourself is a good investment in your children. You're saying you want to be the mum you never were. Then you have to be a person you never were and that takes work. Hard work. But, amazing changes are yours for the take. you will find that as you change, changes will naturally start to take place in the relationship you have with your son. Just be patient, you can't change 20 odd years of damage overnight.

 

Kerrie