Eve Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Yeah, someone I knew through work was murdered last week. I have known for a few days now and still have not processed it properly. She kept going back. She broke away for a time and got a great job and was doing well.. but let him back in and now she is dead. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 What a horrible thing. I hope you are coping right now. Domestic violence does in fact kill. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 What a tragic loss. I'm so sorry to hear that. It's a terrible thing to have to get your head around. Some people are indeed very dangerous. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eve Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 Thanks you two. I'll be ok. I am not even angry at the moment. She was so lovely. Tried far too hard but she was a lovely lovely person but it was never enough for him. He had to have her life. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 oh goodness, Eve---I'm sooo sorry to hear about that. It's hard enough to lose someone that you know---it's even worse when it's senseless like that. People are very quick to judge women that don't remove themselves from DV situations immediately---but from what I've studied, many women fall into a traumatic bonding scenario. It's like Stockholm Syndrome, where the person who is abused begins to identify with their abuser. Many cases of abuse begin with subtle emotional abuse, which starts to erode the victim's self-esteem so much, that by the time the physical abuse starts............the victim is already off-balance.It can be even worse in cases where the abuse is intermittent---interspersed with long periods of loving behavior----it just adds to the victim's confusion. If the abuse goes on long enough, victims can develop PTSD, (post-traumatic-stress-syndrome) or CPTSD- (chronic post-traumatic stress syndrome)both of which can affect a person's capacity for rational thought, as well as damaging their resilience. Guess what I'm trying to explain is that there is a reason that women (and men) keep going back to their abusers. It seems so simple to just tell a friend/family member in that situation, "just dump him already!" it's not always that easy for the person in the situation. And if they're support network acts too impatient with them---it's not going to rush things along, it's going to leave the person feeling unsupported..which means the only person they have to turn to, is their abuser. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 You have my sympathy. freestyle, all forms of abuse can contribute to someone's death. Don't underestimate the effect of emotional, financial or mental abuse. Many suicide attempts are related to these. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 freestyle, all forms of abuse can contribute to someone's death. Don't underestimate the effect of emotional, financial or mental abuse. Many suicide attempts are related to these. This is very true betterdeal and is one reason why I so strongly support the view that abuse victims should learn how to take charge of their own emotions. Many abuse victims will either stay with their abuser or, if they leave, they will keep going back. In which case, I believe, it is more helpful to encourage them to work on their own emotional health than to just tell them to 'get out'. Not only is their emotional health going to prevent another suicide but, once the victim is strong enough, he/she will refuse to accept the abuse. The abuser may then stop the abusive behaviour or, if not, the victim is much more likely to have the strength to leave for good. Eve - good to hear you're doing ok. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 You have my sympathy. freestyle, all forms of abuse can contribute to someone's death. Don't underestimate the effect of emotional, financial or mental abuse. Many suicide attempts are related to these. I don't think I was underestimating, or downplaying the serious of any form of abuse. All abuse can be horribly damaging.Based on my experience, I don't believe the dynamics are commonly understood.The point I was emphasizing, which perhaps I failed to clarify--was that there are factors which keep people going back into abusive situations. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just pointing out the contributing factors, i.e., traumatic bonding, damaged self-esteem, financial need, cognitive dissonance. What I've noticed is that there is commonly an attitude of "why don't they just 'get out' if they're being abused?" ....and friends and family start to get impatient with the victim--- ----instead of understanding what state of mind the victim is in. Or without having sufficient knowledge of a victim's background---for example, someone who grew up being emotionally abused, may not have the ability to recognize what a healthy relationship looks like.They never had the role model. Sadly, a tolerance for abuse may have deeply etched grooves in the psyches of some who grew up in abusive homes. They can be overcome of course--but it's a process. And if friends and family start to browbeat the victim too much---telling them what to think/feel/do----they run the risk of making the victim feel like they're being controlled/abused all over again. If well-meaning friends/family come across too harshly, or throw their hands up in despair, and walk away---it will possibly only serve to make the victim feel even more isolated then they did before. Isolated, and unsupported..........invalidated. Browbeating by outsiders can actually increase the sense of despair that an abuse victim is already feeling. The best we can do as concerned outsiders is offer patient, unfailing support, as well as opportunities for raising self-esteem. And like Little Tiger said, " encourage them to work on their own emotional health". Absolutely. But they have to make their own decisions, and reach their own conclusions.We can point out the path to healing, but ultimately, the victim has to walk it themselves, of their own volition. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eve Posted March 22, 2011 Author Share Posted March 22, 2011 She was too young to go.. 31 years old. That's no age to die. I just have to accept that this is how it ended for her. Today was a good day due to the sunshine but I hate to think of her dying in such fear.. Been thinking a lot about how abuse leaves a mark because of this. Previous abuse caused her to be so easily programmed to accept further abuse. So yeah, I understand what has been said about freedom via understanding ones own emotional responsiveness. I will find a way to let her go, over time... but the bastard who first hurt her has got away with this. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 The best we can do as concerned outsiders is offer patient, unfailing support, as well as opportunities for raising self-esteem. And like Little Tiger said, " encourage them to work on their own emotional health". Absolutely. But they have to make their own decisions, and reach their own conclusions.We can point out the path to healing, but ultimately, the victim has to walk it themselves, of their own volition. I'd agree mostly, with the proviso that everyone has to know their own boundaries and maintain their own personal well-being. That may mean throwing up your hands, saying "enough" and even ending the connection with the person. Unfailing support means only offering as much as you are sure you can commit to. Just like all other relationships, making your words and actions consistent is the best way forward. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 (edited) Been thinking a lot about how abuse leaves a mark because of this. Previous abuse caused her to be so easily programmed to accept further abuse. So yeah, I understand what has been said about freedom via understanding ones own emotional responsiveness. Take your time to grieve and accept your loss. For me, the traumas in my life has inspired me to look at working with troubled men, to show them different ways to see the world, to behave and to enjoy life better as a result. I don't think I want to do it full time, but I certainly want to contribute to bringing other men in from the cold. Just as harmful attitudes and behaviours can be contagious, so can helpful ones. Most abuse is preventable. Edited March 22, 2011 by betterdeal Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eve Posted March 22, 2011 Author Share Posted March 22, 2011 Take your time to grieve and accept your loss. For me, the traumas in my life has inspired me to look at working with troubled men, to show them different ways to see the world, to behave and to enjoy life better as a result. I don't think I want to do it full time, but I certainly want to contribute to bringing other men in from the cold. Just as harmful attitudes and behaviours can be contagious, so can helpful ones. Most abuse is preventable. Yes, I will give it time.. I had better stay away from these scenarios in my working life for a while. I will tell my Line Manger tomorrow. I feel polluted. There she is smiling in the paper and she is just a story now. A ****ing story to read. They don't even talk about who she was, just what he did. I can't believe it. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eve Posted April 12, 2011 Author Share Posted April 12, 2011 Her body is due to be released shortly and her partner has pleaded guilty. More details have come out about how she died. It was not quick. It was brutal. It is too much to repeat. Funeral to go to shortly. Still hanging onto the thought that this was just how it ended for her. I suppose some things cannot be prevented. In many ways I am angry with her... but there is no point. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 I'm so sorry Eve, that can't have been pleasant to hear. At least he didn't get off - though it's likely his sentence won't reflect the damage he's done. Try not to be angry with her - she would have got away from him if she could. Hugs x Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eve Posted April 12, 2011 Author Share Posted April 12, 2011 I'm so sorry Eve, that can't have been pleasant to hear. At least he didn't get off - though it's likely his sentence won't reflect the damage he's done. Try not to be angry with her - she would have got away from him if she could. Hugs x Yeah, I am still stuck on how she died. Just can't believe that that is how she left this earth. My stance on life is that there are always choices but this is just beyond.. He is going to go away for a long, long time.. but I must be truthful and say that I liked him too. I never thought he would be capable of THAT. They were doing so well.. It is going to take time to stop being angry with her. I understand that this is like a self reflection gone wrong; I cannot and should not put myself in her place. She loved him. What if's are a pain. This is going to take some time to get over. I may have to accept that I may not ever get over it, in a way.. Maybe some things are supposed to stay with you? Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
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