What's wrong with me?

[frustratedandtired]

I have been with my husband for almost 10 years now, four of which have been married. For about seven of those years, he has been very emotionally detached taking no interest in me, life outside the house, house work, and advancing himself in his career. For all intensive purposes, he checked out on life. I realize now this is due to him battling depression. For awhile I thought he was having an affair but I am certain he was not. He just stopped giving a crap about everything. I have begged, pleaded, tried listening, tried yelling, tried everything to get him to seek help but with no avail.

 

About two years ago, I gave up and just stopped caring too. I never stopped loving him, it just hurts to invest in someone emotionally and get nothing in return. I have just continued on and made my own life. I have an active social life, a lot of hobbies and interests, and a demanding job that I enjoy.

 

Six months ago, I met a man that came into my life like a storm. He said all the right things and I began an emotional affair with him. Was it wrong? You bet it was. I just became so swept up by the attention that I was lacking at home it was too easy to fall in with him. My husband found out about it after he read a chat transcript and that's when all hell broke lose. I have ended the affair but my feelings towards my husband are now very bitter even though I was wrong.

 

He is now trying to act like everything is ok and it is not ok!!! I am not ok!! I am not happy!!! We tried marriage counseling but it was a complete waste of time since he is not willing to work with me - he does not want to validate my feelings of abandonment. He is trying to make efforts to show attention now but I'm having a hard time accepting this at face value. I feel like he's only doing it because he knows he's about to lose me. I have been asking for a separation for months - I actually had asked him for one last year prior to meeting this fellow I've just been so fed up with it all. He is refusing to leave. For complicated reasons, it makes much more sense for me to stay in the house and even he agrees on this but will not budge.

 

We are getting in bitter fights now and I'm finding myself falling into depression. We are both in individual counseling now which has been positive but I just don't really feel like he's changing. I feel like I'm going crazy. I just want some space to sort out my feelings. I am not seeking out another relationship. I really feel I just need to be alone with myself and evaluate whether or not I can be happy in this relationship and to just gain some perspective.

 

I see a lot of posts on here about separation as an excuse to jump into a new relationship. Has anyone just separated to get some space? Can it work? I'm not ready to throw in the towel but I feel like I'm running out of options.

[Chi townD]

Okay....ummm...wow...

 

Okay, first you know what you did was wrong. I would suggest that you stop ALL contact with the OM. forgive me if I'm wrong but, I have a feeling that you're in contact with this guy. You don't just give up a guy that swept you off your feet like switching off a light bulb.

 

Your husband, you must love him or else you wouldn't have married him. You need to find what you lost about him and help him find it within himself. I know, I know...you're gonna tell me that you've tried and he's just not putting forth the effort. You said that he's clinically depressed. Is he currently taking medications? If so, is he being good about it? Have you ever tried finding out what is causing his sadness? If you're going through MC and you feel that he not putting forth the effort, well of course... he's clinically depressed. He has a lot of problems to fix within himself. He's not the man you married, you're assessment of that statement would be correct. Right now, he's a shell of a man and doesn't know how to get back.

 

If you haven't figured it out. I'm pro-marriage. I feel like you have to exhaust every avenue. Because, I pray that once you find out what's causing this, the man you fell in love with will come back to you. It's not gonna be easy, but nothing worth fighting for in this world ever is.

[WorldIsYours]

I have been with my husband for almost 10 years now, four of which have been married. For about seven of those years, he has been very emotionally detached taking no interest in me, life outside the house, house work, and advancing himself in his career. For all intensive purposes, he checked out on life. I realize now this is due to him battling depression. For awhile I thought he was having an affair but I am certain he was not. He just stopped giving a crap about everything. I have begged, pleaded, tried listening, tried yelling, tried everything to get him to seek help but with no avail.

 

About two years ago, I gave up and just stopped caring too. I never stopped loving him, it just hurts to invest in someone emotionally and get nothing in return. I have just continued on and made my own life. I have an active social life, a lot of hobbies and interests, and a demanding job that I enjoy.

 

Should've left him if he was so bad and you were so perfect. Why stay with someone who's not emotional with you? Why stay this long if you gave up?

 

Six months ago, I met a man that came into my life like a storm. He said all the right things and I began an emotional affair with him. Was it wrong? You bet it was. I just became so swept up by the attention that I was lacking at home it was too easy to fall in with him. My husband found out about it after he read a chat transcript and that's when all hell broke lose.

 

You bet all hell broke lose. You cheated on him, knowing it was wrong. Instead of actually separating from him for a little while to see if he'd recognize what he was doing was counterproductive to the marriage, you became immature and did something self-centered that was worse than what your husband dished out to you. Instead of being the mature adult in your situation, you displayed yourself as a spoiled child.

 

I have ended the affair but my feelings towards my husband are now very bitter even though I was wrong.

 

And that is why you guys should divorce. Even though he was probably an idiot for ignoring you, he didn't go stick his wood in another woman. And I'm sure he wasn't the only one causing problems in the marriage. If he was on here, he'd have a lot of things to say about you before you cheated also. He still showed his allegiance to his vows. You didn't, and you need to own that and stop trying to rationalize your destructive actions.

 

He is now trying to act like everything is ok and it is not ok!!! I am not ok!! I am not happy!!! We tried marriage counseling but it was a complete waste of time since he is not willing to work with me - he does not want to validate my feelings of abandonment.

 

What you refuse to understand ma'am, is that this is not about you anymore. This is not about your feelings of abandonment or whatever selfishness you have. This is about your husband's pain from your actions, and that is why he's not willing to work with you. You're still being disrespectful to him and this is why he's partly in denial. You're only six months out from your affair, which is not a long time. This is not soley based on your happiness. You're still in the mindset of "Me," which is not making this problem easier.

 

He is trying to make efforts to show attention now but I'm having a hard time accepting this at face value.

 

Nope. This should be the other way around, ma'am. You destroyed this man's trust by breaking your vows. And with that attitude you have, YOU need to be the one showing him attention. Not guilting him to make you happy after cheating. This is why you should divorce him. He doesn't deserve this treatment.

 

I feel like he's only doing it because he knows he's about to lose me.

 

He's still in shock. And he already lost you completely when you decided to stray.

 

I have been asking for a separation for months - I actually had asked him for one last year prior to meeting this fellow I've just been so fed up with it all. He is refusing to leave. For complicated reasons, it makes much more sense for me to stay in the house and even he agrees on this but will not budge.

 

If you wanted to really leave this guy initially you would've left. And it's good he's not leaving the house. You're the one that strayed and continues to be unremorseful to his pain you inflicted on him, so why won't you leave?

 

We are getting in bitter fights now and I'm finding myself falling into depression. We are both in individual counseling now which has been positive but I just don't really feel like he's changing. I feel like I'm going crazy. I just want some space to sort out my feelings. I am not seeking out another relationship. I really feel I just need to be alone with myself and evaluate whether or not I can be happy in this relationship and to just gain some perspective.

 

You're refusing to accept your part in this issue, and that is why you guys are arguing. If you want to leave him, it would be better off for everyone because he doesn't deserve someone who cheats on him. Cheating is not the correct answer to your problems, nor is blameshifting your flaws onto him the answer.

 

I see a lot of posts on here about separation as an excuse to jump into a new relationship.

 

Separation is never an excuse to cheat, because the couple is still married.

 

Has anyone just separated to get some space? Can it work? I'm not ready to throw in the towel but I feel like I'm running out of options.

 

You already threw in the towel by cheating, and not accepting your part in this. Your betrayal. Because if he hadn't caught you, whoever Mr. Hottie was, you would've end up having sex with him and that shows in your personality, and why you should just basically end the marriage.

[frustratedandtired]

While Mr. New and Shiny seemed to be the one, his true colors started to come through and thankfully I'm not a complete idiot to realize that pasture was not the green paradise it appeared to be. I still feel terrible about it though. While the husband and I have had our bad times, he never deserved that. I messed up big and only caused serious damage to what was already a crumbling foundation.

 

It still put in perspective that I am definitely missing something at home though that I would even consider leaving him for someone else...especially someone that ultimately would have just been a waste of my time. My husband does not feel that he needs medication though I seriously dispute this. You cannot force someone to do what they do not want to do though. I am happy he is finally seeking counseling. I just don't feel the change that he really needs to make will come until he sees how serious I am about this.

 

I am also pro-marriage. I did not get married to get divorced and I take the commitment seriously. I do feel I need to exhaust every possibility but being under the same roof during this time is becoming detrimental to both of our mental stabilities. It's having serious effects on both of our jobs, we're both losing weight and it's just flat out not healthy constantly being in fear of another blow out.

[WorldIsYours]

I am also pro-marriage. I did not get married to get divorced and I take the commitment seriously.

 

If you took your marriage seriously, you would've found another way to solve your marital issues instead of cheating, which does nothing but open a new can of worms.

 

Your husband didn't get married to get cheated on.

 

I do feel I need to exhaust every possibility but being under the same roof during this time is becoming detrimental to both of our mental stabilities.

 

Which is what you probably need to do: Separate and divorce. You're not willing to fully accept your part in destroying the marriage and he's having a hard time dealing with your affair and disrespect.

[frustratedandtired]

Wow.... The world is yours. If only we could all be as perfect as you. I'm sure you have lived a mistake free life to be able to pass such judgment on strangers.

 

It takes two to screw it up this bad. We both have really worked ourselves into a spot here by neglecting the relationship and betraying each others trust. I had counted on him to be there for me. He broke that trust many times over. I royally screwed him over by making him feel like a fool. It takes a lot to get it this bad and it's going to take a lot to fix it. I still feel like we made it this far in spite of everything so I don't want to give it up.

[Chi townD]

Well, you cheated! Blow outs are gonna happen. You really need to have a heart to heart with him. Perphaps at the MC office. Try to convince him to start up on medications, just for a short while...for you. You might see that they makes a difference.

 

This isn't an overnight fix. This is gonna take a while. I think you already knew that. I mean, he's depressed and you've compound cheating on top of it, that is some damage. Your husband needs to SEE that you are truely remorseful for what happened. I have a feeling that you kinda put the blame on him. "Well, if you weren't so emotionally closed to me...if I thought you cared...."etc...etc. He is to blame for 50% of the problems in your marriage. You are 100% to blame for your affair. If you can't own up to that...there's no point in trying.

 

Some people will probably bash on you for cheating and I don't like cheating either. But, you have to roll with the punches. If you want this to work you have to work for it. You may have to carry most of the load given your husband's current condition. If you need to vent, do it here and not at your husband. Try to get him to work with you.

 

Now, I'm not saying this is gonna work, but at least you know you've tried.

[jstobo]

Frustrated and Tired - I'm your H in this scenario. When I found out about the EA in November, I took a good hard look at myself. I listened to the things that pushed her away and I changed all the things I was capable of changing. Some traits are in my DNA and she married me with those traits.

 

Even though she had the EA, I tried everything to win her back. When that wasn't changing anything, I asked her to leave. She moved out this past Saturday. We were doing really good too. I would have let her stay, but she felt separation was a good thing for us.

 

In three days I feel a little different. The last couple of nights have been nice without her. And no, I don't have an OW. I have a feeling as each day goes on, I'm going to get a little more used to life without her. And I do have freedom to do WHATEVER I WANT!! She has no say. She started this. FYI: Married 10 years with two kids.

 

Think real hard about what you want and what you're willing to risk. If you are ABSOLUTELY certain you don't want to be married to your husband, then file for divorce. If you have ANY doubt, then you better show empathy real quick. You just might wake up one day and get served.

[Yasuandio]

Imagine yourself pressing the "Play" button to hear the opening four beats of the DRAGNET theme.

 

What Next?

Edited March 22, 2011 by Yasuandio

[frustratedandtired]

Frustrated and Tired - I'm your H in this scenario. When I found out about the EA in November, I took a good hard look at myself. I listened to the things that pushed her away and I changed all the things I was capable of changing. Some traits are in my DNA and she married me with those traits.

 

Even though she had the EA, I tried everything to win her back. When that wasn't changing anything, I asked her to leave. She moved out this past Saturday. We were doing really good too. I would have let her stay, but she felt separation was a good thing for us.

 

In three days I feel a little different. The last couple of nights have been nice without her. And no, I don't have an OW. I have a feeling as each day goes on, I'm going to get a little more used to life without her. And I do have freedom to do WHATEVER I WANT!! She has no say. She started this. FYI: Married 10 years with two kids.

 

Think real hard about what you want and what you're willing to risk. If you are ABSOLUTELY certain you don't want to be married to your husband, then file for divorce. If you have ANY doubt, then you better show empathy real quick. You just might wake up one day and get served.

 

I have shown remorse and been pretty forth coming about the particulars of it all. It's just not in my personality to grovel. I love him - I always have and I always will - no matter what happens that fact will never change and I've told him that throughout. We've had brief separations of a few days up to a few weeks throughout this and both of us have agreed that it makes us feel better. We come back to the relationship fresh and optimistic but it only returns to the fighting shortly there after.... that's why I want to try the longer term to see if we can actually see out the feeling without falling right back into the same patterns.

 

It should be noted that prior to this, we never fought. This is really the first time in these almost 10 years we've thrown down. That's how emotionally stiffled things have been. It's like we're catching up for all that missed fighting now...

 

I know I risk losing him and it does scare me. But if it means that he is happy finally, then really it is for the best - I mean maybe I am just not good for him - maybe it's me that's made him depressed all these years - I don't know. Neither of us can be happy in the current situation, that's the only thing I know. I don't want to get into the particulars but the fights are just not good. Nothing productive will come of it. He has been struggling off and on with alcohol. Obviously, this has done nothing positive for the fights. I have had my struggles with addiction over the years but have been on the better side of it recently which only adds to the strife.

 

I am terrified but I can't be scared of moving forward anymore. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. Staying in the same static place just isn't working. That scares me more now that nothing will ever change and we will just continue this downward spiral of destruction.

[Yasuandio]

Frustrated and Tired - I'm your H in this scenario. When I found out about the EA in November, I took a good hard look at myself. I listened to the things that pushed her away and I changed all the things I was capable of changing. Some traits are in my DNA and she married me with those traits.

 

Even though she had the EA, I tried everything to win her back. When that wasn't changing anything, I asked her to leave. She moved out this past Saturday. We were doing really good too. I would have let her stay, but she felt separation was a good thing for us.

 

In three days I feel a little different. The last couple of nights have been nice without her. And no, I don't have an OW. I have a feeling as each day goes on, I'm going to get a little more used to life without her. And I do have freedom to do WHATEVER I WANT!! She has no say. She started this. FYI: Married 10 years with two kids.

 

Think real hard about what you want and what you're willing to risk. If you are ABSOLUTELY certain you don't want to be married to your husband, then file for divorce. If you have ANY doubt, then you better show empathy real quick. You just might wake up one day and get served.

 

"I asked her to leave..."

 

"I would have let her stay..."

 

"She has no say..."

 

Is this the same man that wrote the February thread I just got done reading. Mr. J., to find your wife's post here may have given you a shock. You were clearly hurt, and your post spews anger and threats. Sometimes that happens. As hurt often leads to anger, and some of us can contain it better than others.

 

I, myself have to keep learning that lesson over and over. Even on LS. Case in point, what_next put his story up as an example, and it made me so angry I went after him like a junk yard dog. In the end, I had to offer him my apologies on PM, because really should have let my anger pass and re-read what I was posting before hitting the reply button. I think this may have happened in your case as well. Take some time and reflect.

 

Flip this. Go back and read all of what you' written on LS. Imagine, (now that you have identifed yourself), how your wife must be responding, at least, internally, by your threads. As her response did not contain the "Dragnet Theme" drama reaction I anticipated. She's coming off pretty cool, calm, and collected - and added a couple more pieces to the puzzle. What next?

Edited March 22, 2011 by Yasuandio

[noabsolutetruth]

I think many people judge harshly when there is an emotional affair. I also once thought this was bad. But to be honest, I think these things happen when you become emotionally divorced from someone. The blame is on both people and maybe you are looking for an escape. If someone is unwilling to fulfill marriage as a happy union, there is no purpose to staying in this union. Why would you continue to feel miserable for the rest of your life because of the institution? I know it is hard to divorce and so people choose to have an affair instead. I can very well understand why one avoids divorce. Now that he has found out about your affair, you have to make the tough decision. Do you want to stay with someone who does not make you happy or do you want to search again?

[robf1971]

I'm finding myself falling into depression. .

 

Hmm I wonder if he will go off and have an EA becuase you are depressed.

[robf1971]

chat transcript and that's when all hell broke lose. I have ended the affair but my feelings towards my husband are now very bitter even though I was wrong.

 

Wow, this is like the mugger being bitter towards the little old lady he just robbed lol

[robf1971]

He is now trying to act like everything is ok and it is not ok!!! he does not want to validate my feelings of abandonment. . He is refusing to leave. For complicated reasons, it makes much more sense for me to stay in the house and even he agrees on this but will not budge.

 

 

Sounds like he is doing all the right things..

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi there Frustrated,

 

I am not going to give you the lists of "youshouldves." You aren't going to hop in your Magic Time Machine and go fix up everything.

 

There were a couple of things that I noticed however that may be causing some 'stuckness' in your relationship.

 

I have been with my husband for almost 10 years now, four of which have been married. For about seven of those years, he has been very emotionally detached taking no interest in me, life outside the house, house work, and advancing himself in his career. For all intensive purposes, he checked out on life. I realize now this is due to him battling depression. For awhile I thought he was having an affair but I am certain he was not. He just stopped giving a crap about everything. I have begged, pleaded, tried listening, tried yelling, tried everything to get him to seek help but with no avail.

 

About two years ago, I gave up and just stopped caring too. I never stopped loving him, it just hurts to invest in someone emotionally and get nothing in return. I have just continued on and made my own life. I have an active social life, a lot of hobbies and interests, and a demanding job that I enjoy.

 

Six months ago, I met a man that came into my life like a storm. He said all the right things and I began an emotional affair with him. Was it wrong? You bet it was. I just became so swept up by the attention that I was lacking at home it was too easy to fall in with him. My husband found out about it after he read a chat transcript and that's when all hell broke lose. I have ended the affair but my feelings towards my husband are now very bitter even though I was wrong.

 

He is now trying to act like everything is ok and it is not ok!!! I am not ok!! I am not happy!!! We tried marriage counseling but it was a complete waste of time since he is not willing to work with me - he does not want to validate my feelings of abandonment. He is trying to make efforts to show attention now but I'm having a hard time accepting this at face value. I feel like he's only doing it because he knows he's about to lose me. I have been asking for a separation for months - I actually had asked him for one last year prior to meeting this fellow I've just been so fed up with it all. He is refusing to leave. For complicated reasons, it makes much more sense for me to stay in the house and even he agrees on this but will not budge.

 

We are getting in bitter fights now and I'm finding myself falling into depression. We are both in individual counseling now which has been positive but I just don't really feel like he's changing. I feel like I'm going crazy. I just want some space to sort out my feelings. I am not seeking out another relationship. I really feel I just need to be alone with myself and evaluate whether or not I can be happy in this relationship and to just gain some perspective.

 

I see a lot of posts on here about separation as an excuse to jump into a new relationship. Has anyone just separated to get some space? Can it work? I'm not ready to throw in the towel but I feel like I'm running out of options.

 

Okay: perspective shift here.

 

1. You can only control yourself, no one else

 

2. You cannot inherently know someone' s motivations for why they act the way that they do, even when they say what they are doing.

 

3. If you are going to ascribe a negative motivation to someone and share it with them, you are going to put them automatically on the defensive and things will worsen.

 

4. Men universally do not respond to begging, pleading and threatening. That is the way to magically turn a man into a rock that won't budge. If you need a really good doorstop, nag a man on his way to take out the trash.

 

5. You are the only one in control of what you do with your feelings.

 

6. It isn't up to you to change him.

 

We'll start with that as a baseline.

 

With your husband's depression he had a responsibility to get help for that and become a more responsive partner. Your role in this was to simply set a bottom line that he needed to get help (and with your support) or that you would not continue to live like that. Give him the choice. It gives him a chance to be the man. Nagging yelling and pushing was the best way to get him to rebel and not get help simply because then he would feel controlled and pushed. Most men have an inherent fear of this beyond any sensical reason. It defies logic, but so does taking an approach that rarely works and bringing it to an extreme.

 

You say that your husband is trying now and that he is only doing it because he is afraid he will lose you. First of all, maybe he is trying to do some small, positive changes that are difficult when you are fighting depression and you are really really squelching them. When you do that, you are taking that Magical Doorstop that you made and telling him that he has been right all along and that you don't want what you claim to have wanted all along. You are telling him that changing doesn't work and that you view him like dog crap. If you think that that will get him to change in bigger, happier ways for you, you have another thing coming.

 

If someone does something for you or acts better towards you, it is probably in your best interest to simply not question the "why" right off of the bat and just accept the gift graciously. Even if the giver did originally have the "wrong" motivation, it encourages them to do "right" in the future because you validated their efforts. With men, the correlation is incredibly high.

 

You mentioned that you are bitter. I get this. I know this, but from the other side. My husband has a pornography addiction. He turned our marriage into the biggest pile of dog crap you have ever seen. BUT in November he started on some medication for impulse control (which actually made the compulsivity go through the roof, you have to treat both not just one, but I digress) and he became very optimistic about our relationship.

 

For the period of 3 weeks he tried to reach out to me and do things that would make our relationship better. You know what I did? I let him know at every turn how much I hated what he did to me and how angry and bitter I was and how he wasn't doing enough to change things.

 

It worked very well. So after he gave up again I felt pretty horrible.

I told myself that if I was given that opportunity again I would grasp in with both hands and be far more positive about it when it happened.

 

You may feel that he is doing it just to quell things temporarily and then revert back to his old ways, but if you give him no incentives to keep up changes and no bottom lines to fall back on, what exactly do you think will happen? You are partially responsible for your relationship dynamic. If he is like most human beings, he will respond to incentives. And men respond extremely well to a happy spouse. You need to find a way to be friendly towards him even if you don't feel like it. People just don't respond well to unhappy people, even if they seem to think it is justified.

 

He isn't going to validate your feelings....right away. That is part of his defense. If he validates your feelings of abandonment, that means he is green-lighting your affair at this point. He will validate them when you guys stop bitterly fighting and he can let his guard down. He will not change with you at his back telling him how he's not changing enough. You may think that he "should." Well I should be married to a guy who isn't addicted to porn, but I am. Reality doesn't work on "shoulds."

 

The most amazing thing I found to do was to ignore the "bad" behaviour and give incentives for the good. I contacted Divorce Busters and talked to a coach because I had been on my husband to stop his addictive behaviours for two years (things got really really bad). She told me to back off of talking about our relationship and his addiction altogether. I did and started doing the 180 techniques. Within 1 day my husband stopped acting like such a dickwad. He also started (albeit slowly) working on his addictive issues. And really, it stopped becoming as big of a deal. He is going for treatment now. I still resent him and I am pretty angry but it is hard to stay angry when you see someone actually putting in a real effort and seeing that effort actually grow.

 

He sends me nice emails now with some validation.

 

What you are doing is not effective. Check out the Divorce Busting 180 and/or read Divorce Remedy to try to find things that are more effective. Give yourself some space by backing off of what he is doing. If you need to, take a week somewhere. You may not think that that is enough time but a week can actually give you some great perspective. If you think a longer separation is necessary after a week, then that makes sense. But doing all of the moving, planning etc to have a long separation and then actually finding out you only needed two weeks or so can be a big pain in the ass and damaging as well.

[WorldIsYours]

Wow.... The world is yours. If only we could all be as perfect as you. I'm sure you have lived a mistake free life to be able to pass such judgment on strangers.

 

This is not about me, this is about you hurting your husband; Your marriage.

 

It takes two to screw it up this bad.

 

 

Not always the case, but in yours, yes. But your cheating? That is entirely your fault and yours alone, and you have no right morally to put the blame on him. Because if he hadn't caught you, you would've had sex with "Mr.Hottie."

 

 

We both have really worked ourselves into a spot here by neglecting the relationship and betraying each others trust.

 

You betrayed his trust, not him. Both of you neglected the relationship, but you betrayed him at the end, regardless if it was just an emotional affair. It's still cheating and you must own up to it if you even want a chance at saving this.

 

I had counted on him to be there for me. He broke that trust many times over.

 

And I'm sure you weren't always there for him either. But cheating, as you know, is not the answer.

 

I royally screwed him over by making him feel like a fool. It takes a lot to get it this bad and it's going to take a lot to fix it. I still feel like we made it this far in spite of everything so I don't want to give it up.

 

Then you need to be remorseful, and work your arse off to regain his trust for now, but your posts just talk about you and how you're hurt and that's not the case here. Because cheating is never an option, and that's no excuse for issues in the marriage.

[You Go Girl]

There's nothing wrong with you at all.

 

You are going to be attacked by men who feel betrayed. Expect it.

 

You have emotional needs. If your husband has been checked out, either with depression and/or alcohol, then he hasn't been present, alert, aware, or involved. So you went and talked to another man and felt fond feelings for him, then you cut it off like the good girl that you are.

Some posters on here are going to make a mountain out of that. Why they feel a woman should be in a relationship where the partner isn't emotionally present, and simply suffer through that, I don't know, but I suspect that they find it threatening, and think that women should simply endure what is sometimes years of emotionally not present partners.

 

People do have emotional needs, at least most of them. Now women have more emotional needs than most men, not all, and the tables can always be turned. But overall, most women have more emotional needs, whereas men tend to have more sexual needs, and more ego-boosting needs. If men get their ego boosts from careers, and sexual needs met from porn, then they think that women are "bad" if they seek to get their emotional needs fulfilled. It reeks of hypocrisy.

 

So you had emotional needs that weren't being met, and you partially, for awhile, met those needs outside of your marriage, and then you stopped that behavior.

Now your husband is still not meeting those emotional needs, and so you suffer.

Your husband's depression, and possible need of medication, coupled with the abuse of alcohol which is a depressant, is causing him to continue being emotionally non-present. If he is using alcohol to numb his feelings or check out emotionally, (which is what abuse of alcohol is all about) then he can't make the connection he needs to make with you. You can't fix the problem under those circumstances, it is impossible. He won't meet your emotional needs while intoxicated. The two are mutually exclusive.

 

You both need to meet each other's needs, and neither of you are doing so. He needs to be emotionally present and involved, caring about your feelings as one of his top prioritites in life. You need to be the source of his sexual and ego boosting needs. This is the trade that men and women make to have a successful marriage.

[2sure]

You want out of an unsatifying, oppressive, and depressive marriage. And your husband doesnt want out because he doesnt care one way the other if he is happy or you are. He just is uninterested or incapable of moving forward with life.

 

So, see a lawyer. Why on earth should your h's willingness to be unhappilly married force you to remain married???

 

When the ink is dry on the divorce papers - someone has to leave.

[WorldIsYours]

Just leave him if you aren't even going to be fully remorseful for your cheating.

[robf1971]

Some posters on here are going to make a mountain out of that. Why they feel a woman should be in a relationship where the partner isn't emotionally present, and simply suffer through that, I don't know, but I suspect that they find it threatening, and think that women should simply endure what is sometimes years of emotionally not present partners.

 

.

 

Yeah but the idea is to leave the relationship first before meeting someone else.

[Yasuandio]

Just because a body is on the premises doesn't necessarily mean the person is actually there.

[frustratedandtired]

I think many people judge harshly when there is an emotional affair. I also once thought this was bad. But to be honest, I think these things happen when you become emotionally divorced from someone. The blame is on both people and maybe you are looking for an escape. If someone is unwilling to fulfill marriage as a happy union, there is no purpose to staying in this union. Why would you continue to feel miserable for the rest of your life because of the institution? I know it is hard to divorce and so people choose to have an affair instead. I can very well understand why one avoids divorce. Now that he has found out about your affair, you have to make the tough decision. Do you want to stay with someone who does not make you happy or do you want to search again?

 

I ended the EA - flat out. With my husband, I tried, and tried, and tried... so many all nights up fighting it out for him to even acknowledge that he may have ignored me for many years, we should have gone to counseling for the umpteenth time I suggested, yeah, and I got nothing. He did proceed to trash the house and call me every name in the book every chance he got.

 

 

I left two months ago. Another couple I knew had the room and and they could take me in for free and I didn't feel bad since I could help with housework and childcare. Even though it's not a stress free situation, just getting that burden of I don't know when the next outburst is going to be (and his bursts were before the EA too).

 

I filed. It still is the hardest thing I've done in my life and breaks my heart. I still love him. I just can't take the insanity of it all anymore. I'm 31, in good shape, and am on meds to keep my from stroking out my bp got so out of control for the last six months.

 

I tried and I tried and I tried. There really does come a point to cut your losses.