. , I'm at the end of my tether with him.

[CrimsonPetal1]

Ok, this is my first time here. I will try to make this as succinct as possible but it's been 10 months of drama.

We were long distance for 8 months. I got pregnant and miscarried and became very very depressed and took most of that out on him, but I'm better now. We broke up in May 2010, we had a stupid fight (only our second fight ever)and I didn't realise what I had and he realised he wasn't happy enough to make it work so broke up with me. I went NC for a month, I had exams so I was trying to focus my mind so I could work to get in to university. It was hell. After the month was up, we had a long conversation where I told him all of the things I'd realised and how we'd be able to make it work now because of them. I did an awful lot of introspection during that period.

At first, he seemed receptive, he said he needed a few days with what I said to make a decision and I gave him that space. One night he was acting really flirty with me and said that while he didn't know that we wanted the exact same things he couldn't stop thinking about me. I thought this was leading to reconciliation. It didn't. The next day he was grotchy and frustrated and said that it absolutely wasn't going to happen. So I told him explicitly I couldn't be his friend, if he changed his mind to contact me but that was it and goodbye.

I'd told myself I was prepared to lose him and although it nearly killed me I deleted his number, email address, msn, aim, facebook, skype EVERYTHING.

It took him...6 hours to contact me. He was angry with how we'd left it and I told him that I was sorry but that's what I needed to do. I wanted his support but more than he was willing to give so that was it.

He wouldn't stop contacting me. He seemed to have tried everything. Texting me with pet names, kisses at the end, pictures of things I liked, links to music videos of our particular songs. All of them followed by the words- but I don't want to give you false hope..yeah, right.

Later in July, I got pulled in to hospital with a serious case of Toxic Shock Syndrome exacerbated by an already existing heart problem. I nearly died, three times and afterwards I decided that the stress of his continued contact was making me sick.

I went NC again. He'd text me every few days and I kept ignoring it until eventually I received a text saying 'I don't know what you feel about me anymore, but I miss you.X' I thought, this is what I've been waiting for. The next day we spoke on the phone and agreed to try to make something work, we'd start off as friends, see each other as often as we could and just work our way up from there. I was fine with this, because at that point (October) I wasn't harbouring ideas of just being able to jump back in to a relationship.

It went well, soon we were talking at least every other day if not every day.

Skip forward to January. One night he texted me saying 'if I asked you to come here and stay with me would you come? I'm not saying a relationship but I want to spend real time with you'. I tried to get some answers on what that meant, he said that he wanted to spend time with me but couldn't handle a relationship status because he didn't want to risk getting hurt/hurting someone so badly again which I thought was stupid because regardless someone could still get hurt. He told me he still had feelings for me, there was no body else and we started making plans to see each other for a few days.

Then two weeks later, he switches again. He says he's 'a changed man' and that he was sorry that he'd hurt me but he didn't 'feel that being anything but friends was a good idea'. I don't know what happened to change this, but I was furious. I sent him a text basically blaming him for everything that had gone wrong since we broke up- I regretted it instantly and told him that but it was too late then. I told him I was still in love with him and really wished he'd try to work things out or at least tell me what had changed in the two weeks to go from 'I still have feelings for you ' to 'I don't want to give you false hope' again.

I had a panic attack and ended up back in hospital (melodramatic I know but I couldn't help it) I told him the day after I got out that I couldn't do this any more and went strict NC. It took him 2 days to call me and he's called me every day since then (for the last month).

I'm torn, because I still love him and still want to be with him. And I just can't pull myself from the belief that if he's stayed in contact with me for so long and told me so recently he has feelings for me that at some point he's going to change his mind. It all just seems like he's very confused.

Please help. I really don't know what to do any more. I know he needs to grow up and stop swapping back and forth but I love him, he's the guy I want to be with and we wouldn't be LD after October so if it could work, that's when I'd most likely be able to see it. I'm not waiting for him, but I'm not going into another relationship now because a) I'm so damaged from the last one and I'm trying to fix it and b) I'm moving twice this year one to a new house hours away and again to my university halls. I'm not having ANOTHER LDR start when I don't want one.

Yeah, any advice please. Sorry it's so long.