Some opinions on virgins - because I am one

[Hypatia]

I'm right now seeing a guy with a lot of sexual experience (he's 29) and we're having a bit of an issue with my lack thereof (I'm 24 and haven't had sex). We're both very attracted to each other, I'm very comfortable with him, and I'm fully ready to sleep with him. We've gotten pretty far already. Neither one of us is looking for a serious relationship, but he's told me that he feels bad that he'd be my first because to him, I'm just another chick to have sex with.

 

Truthfully? I'm fine with this. I'm extremely turned on by him and I just want to have sex already. I don't need a relationship or a commitment, and I don't feel like I'll get attached to him, but how can I convince him not to feel badly about this? I don't want to have sex with someone who's going to pity me, but regardless, we're having a good time with each other. I certainly don't feel like I'm being taken advantage of either.

 

Some input? And if someone could also reassure me that I'm not a freak of nature for not having sex for this long, that would be great too. He just can't fathom how I haven't had any experience.

[Darkangelism]

Tell him how you feel and let him give it to you.

 

 

I ama virgin, i don't like it, but its not something that i can change, and i can live with that until it happens. Though i do have set backs and whine about it.

[Hypatia]

I did talk to him, we had a long conversation about it on the phone tonight. It really bothered me, so I felt prompted to see if anyone else was in the same boat.

 

Basically, he's kind of a reformed slut who doesn't sleep with a lot of women now, but he's not interested in anything serious, so any relationship he'll ever want to have is casual, which he doesn't think is appropriate for someone who has never had sex.

 

I'm just frustrated as hell because we're thisclose.

[Darkangelism]

put him in a sexual situation. Be the aggressor.

[my name is frank]

i dont get it, how do people have sex and be causal, like doesnt someone have to have a relationship with someone to have sex with them.

 

I kissed a girl who wasnt a girlfriend, and i have regreted ever since. I dont think i would ever do it again.

 

Casual sex, i dont get this, to me its way to foiegn, it shouldnt happen.

 

I dont get it, honestly, why?

[faux]

Originally posted by Hypatia

I'm right now seeing a guy with a lot of sexual experience (he's 29) and we're having a bit of an issue with my lack thereof (I'm 24 and haven't had sex). We're both very attracted to each other, I'm very comfortable with him, and I'm fully ready to sleep with him. We've gotten pretty far already. Neither one of us is looking for a serious relationship, but he's told me that he feels bad that he'd be my first because to him, I'm just another chick to have sex with.

 

It sounds that you like him more than just a casual fling, but he has clearly expressed this is all you will be to him.

 

Truthfully? I'm fine with this.

 

Take your time with that. Really think about this again, and again, and again.

 

I'm extremely turned on by him and I just want to have sex already. I don't need a relationship or a commitment, and I don't feel like I'll get attached to him, but how can I convince him not to feel badly about this?

 

This would be your first time. There is no way that you would not become attached to him if you had sex with him. You already are attached to him. He may very well not end up feeling badly about this, if you go through with hit.

 

I don't want to have sex with someone who's going to pity me, but regardless, we're having a good time with each other. I certainly don't feel like I'm being taken advantage of either.

 

That might be the point. If I were taking advantage of someone, I certainly would not want them to notice. Perhaps he is not taking advantage of you, but either way you seem to be setting yourself up for further problems.

 

Some input? And if someone could also reassure me that I'm not a freak of nature for not having sex for this long, that would be great too. He just can't fathom how I haven't had any experience.

 

You are not a freak, just abnormal to most people, I would suppose. His inability to understand your situation may be another thing to take into consideration.

 

Be careful.

[Renny_H]

What you’ve got to do is flood him with compliments. He’ll get the idea.

 

The more complicated you make it by discussing your feelings, the more awkward it will become.

 

And when the time does come, put some music on. Personally, I’d make love to a virgin-girl while listening to Sting and The Police. Keep things loose and upbeat. Make it casual, seeing as your idea of a relationship with this guy is superfluous anyhow.

[Dug]

Well....you have to start somewhere, and virginity is as good a point as any. There are lots of sites on the web that offer "professional" advice on sexual positions and techniques, as well as safe sex etc. Always keep mutual pleasure and respect in mind, and you'll be where all of us ought to be.

[amerikajin]

Either he's been hurt himself, or he's feeling guilty about hurting someone in the past. Except for the occasional one-nighter, sex does tend to intensify things between people and he's afraid that one of you's going to start having different feelings about the relationship after sex.

 

But...if you really want it that badly, you invite him over for dinner and a movie, drink some red wine together, put on some nice and easy music after the show's finished, turn the lights down low and then start touching him. Don't get too giddy, just go with the flow. If he pulls back, let him. Save it for another day. Be patient. It'll happen if it's meant to be. If you get pushy, you'll push him away.

 

My God! Am I teaching a female virgin how to get laid??? Oh man...if I wasn't before, I'm surely going to hell now.

[priscilla]

Do you really want to lose your virginity to a guy who will just think of you as another notch on his bedpost? Why don't you wait until you meet someone who wants to have a relationship with you. If your hormones are going crazy, take care of yourself. Frank is right, you probably will get attached. Most women do.

 

Also, you are not a freak and him having issues about you not having any experience is just stupid. Find someone who really appreciates you, cares about you, wants a relationship with you for your first time. This guy sounds like kind of a jerk.

 

If you decide to do this, make sure you talk to him about STDs and using protection because it sounds as if he has been around.

[moimeme]

I think that if this guy is reluctant, it won't be enjoyable for you. You should wait until you're in a relationship with a guy who would be motivated to make it special for you.

[Hypatia]

Everyone is making excellent points, and I really appreciate it. I'll be seeing him tomorrow and we'll probably have a conversation about it then. We don't see each other more than once or twice a week, so that's an indication of how casual it is. I haven't gone around saying I have a boyfriend or anything, I barely tell people I'm seeing someone. So while there is something of an attachment, I really don't have any expecations for this beyond a fling. Once the class ends, it's unlikely I'll see him that often at all. It's really just a relationship of convenience.

 

My God! Am I teaching a female virgin how to get laid??? Oh man...if I wasn't before, I'm surely going to hell now.

 

This cracked me up. Dont' feel bad man. I hate even using the word "virgin." It makes me think of religion, purity, Jessica Simpson...feh.

[purehearted]

Hypatia: I think that if both of you have discussed that your intentions are to have a casual relationship only, then it's fine to go ahead and have sex.

 

However - I also felt from reading your post that you do have an attachment to this guy that is more than casual.

 

I also think that even if you both have the same intentions - one or both of you may feel different a little ways down the road.

 

In my experience, I think that there is a window during which a relationship can be casual - if the relationship continues one of you is bound to feel more emotional attachment than the other.

 

How to convince him? I don't know if I really know the answer to that - but my thought is that you could tell him that you've thought about it and you feel that your intentions are strictly casual, but you understand and are willing to accept the consequences if you wind up becoming too attached.

[jenny]

yep - i am feeling like this one is going to end up hurting as well. if you've waited for 24 years, why not wait a little more for a guy who is more speacil and interesting? in my experience, guys who would like to get laid are a dime a dozen - they are not the stuff good stories are made of. this guy just sounds like an *insert* guy to me (literally )

 

here's the thing: you deserve better. your standards are probably pretty high already, why lower them for this casual fling?

[Hypatia]

Maybe I should have included a couple of other details about this guy. We met in a class I started taking in late January. At that point, the most important thing to me was my career and job situation, plus finding a way to move out of my house. Then I met this guy. We see each other about once a week, maybe twice, so it's not as if we've been attached at the hip for the past couple of months and we've been agonizing over the sex thing on an everyday basis. What we come down to is really just "We have the same class, we think the other is hot, and we want to sleep with each other." The footnotes now are "She hasn't had sex and I'll be her first, but she doesn't even register on my long list, and I feel guilty" and "Wow, I'm finally getting my chance - sex without commitment, which I don't have time for anyway."

 

I mean sure, the situation is not exactly how I'd like it to be, but I feel like if we were trying to have a real relationship that it would end once the class is over and that would be hard to deal with. At the moment, there's not all that much going on besides just attraction. It's just the issues are getting in the way. If he really can't handle someone who had an obscenely sheltered childhood that resulted in an aftermath filled with reality hitting me like a ton of bricks, then that's his problem and not mine, and I'll just move on.

 

ETA: I just read Jenny's post. The reason I don't want to hold out any more is because I have a tendency to have long dry spells between meeting people. I'm ready to not be a virgin anymore, and I'd prefer not being one when I finally meet someone I will be genuinely interested in. I'm just so afraid of hitting another birthday and having to explain myself and hope that I find someone who's patient.

[Renny_H]

You’re ready to have sex? Because you feel you’re too old to be a virgin?

 

Is there peer pressure on you? Are you jealous of your friends not being virgins? I mean, does it really matter if you’re virgin until you actually find a decent guy who treats you right?

 

I think you’re after this said guy coz you don’t believe you’ll find another chance to root anytime soon. That’s a shame. You should be more confident than that.

 

This guy you like: he’s scum . You’re not a sex object.

[Hypatia]

You’re ready to have sex? Because you feel you’re too old to be a virgin?

 

No, I just finally have reached the point at which I'm comfortable enough to let someone go that far. When I was 20, I felt old, but I never settled. There was a guy I wanted to sleep with at that age, but I had a lot of emotional problems at the time and just couldn't be in a relationship. I couldn't even think about having sex, even though I had someone right there and wanted him. I wanted to get my head straightened out, and I feel like I have and that I'm ready to invite someone else in.

 

There's no peer pressure, and I'm even friends with mostly guys. But I find the people I see on a regular basis do nothing for me beyond friendship. If I was going to settle for someone for the sole purpose of having sex, I could have done that many times by now.

 

But honestly, I have to assume my worst fears, that any guy I'm going to want to have sex with will not be that thrilled about having sex with a virgin because I won't know what I'm doing, and it'll be humiliating, and he'll think I'm going to be clinging because he was "my first"...

 

I'll have to see what happens when I see this guy tomorrow. It looks like I'm just going to have to keep waiting. And waiting, and waiting...

[amerikajin]

Hypatia,

 

It seems as though you've thought this through, and that's the important thing. I don't think a person should feel bad about themselves whether they are or aren't a virgin. Becoming sexually active is a choice each person must make for him/herself. The most important thing abou sex is that you understand there are potential consequences for your actions and that you must prepare accordingly. I would NOT have sex unless and until you've thought about how you might handle those situations, and to be fair, you should also address this with your significant other and have his input. Once you have, then have at it, my friend...and enjoy yourself. You'll be a little nervous and unsure of yourself at first, but a good man will understand this and make the experience as good as he can for you. I don't know if you've found the right guy, but it sounds like you've found a guy who is at least considerate enough to respect how you might feel afterward. Good luck.

[capitald]

I agree with moimeme, oops did I say that, make sure the person is going to make it real special for you. Ask yourself the question, does this guy really care about me? If he does than go for it. If he doesn't then head the other way.

[priscilla]

Just because this guy is hesitant to have sex with you, doesn't mean all guys are like that. If you are with the right person, he won't care if you are a virgin, and you will not feel humiliated. It seems as if you are stuck on this one guys opinion on virgins. Wait until you have a real relationship.