sb129 Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 For as long as I can remember, my mum has a "little problem" with booze. Every single fight we have had has been after she has been drinking, she is extremely irritating and volatile when she has been drinking. Her father was an alcoholic. (I only really found this out recently) I haven't seen her blasted for a long time, and my Dad kept a reasonable rein on things while he was alive. He used to tell me about it, I think it was the main reason they fought too. After he died I kept an eye on things as much as possible, but I don't live with her. I have also heard several declarations regarding "giving up" that haven't come to fruition, despite medical advice to do so. I worry because if I mention it when she is sober she brushes me off and says she is fine and doesn't drink much. However the following things make me think while she may not be an "alcoholic" by HER definition, she definitely has a dependence. She drinks fast- her wine glass is always the first to be refilled If she is at our house, she doesn't always wait for us to offer her another glass before she refills her own She is affected by alcohol really quickly- starts being silly and slurring This is quickly followed by aggression and rudeness if someone (me) comments on it or tells her to slow down, or that there is no more wine I tend to avoid phoning in the evenings when I know there is a chance she may have been drinking because the conversation usually doesn't end well- it will involve her repeating herself several times, then accusing me of being mean or unkind or whatever when I lose patience with her. (and i really do try) This is followed by a guilt trip if I mention that perhaps without booze she might feel better "You don't know what I am going through" "You don't know how I feel or how lonely I am" etc etc etc. Then I get mad and things either escalate, or I cut off the conversation. This ONLY happens when she has been drinking. This pattern hasn't just started since Dad died- its been going on for years. I am tired of it. I am tired of arguing with her and being made out to be the bad guy here- I don't want to just 'suck it up'- I have lost one parent already and he was too young I don't want to lose another one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sb129 Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 Hmm. No takers. Oh well. I am still feeling down about this. Another thing that I am annoyed about is that my mother refuses to have counselling regarding all the awful things she has had to deal with. I have even gone as far as offering to go with her, because I think she needs another outlet to vent. But- no. She won't do it. She brushes me off, and says later later. I don't know if I can continue to be her main support person. its wearing me out. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 Not sure what to say sb. Addicts won't change for anyone else. Their love affair is with their addiction. ((hugs)) and much sympathy. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 No question at all that your mother is an alcoholic. Very similar behaviours to my father esp the calling in the evening thing. Have you tried going to Al-anon for some clarification? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sb129 Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 I know. She is such a lovely lady sober- kind, gentle, funny.... If questioned about it, her excuse is that she doesn't drink much and she doesn't drink every day. Her generation are notorious for being crutch drinkers, and thinking its OK because everyone else does. This is true- but when she does.... I had a long talk with H about it last night- and he was great. He pointed out that my tolerance level for her when she has been drinking is nil, which is true. I think I might write her a variant of the AA intervention letter, I have been looking at them online and they look like a good idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sb129 Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 I don't think I need to go to al-anon to know that DOT. To her an alcoholic is someone who gets violent and drinks all day every day- she is in total denial about it. I have considered going to al anon to learn coping strategies, but my initial reaction is "why should I be the one to add something else to my already busy life when she won't even admit she has a problem" Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 However the following things make me think while she may not be an "alcoholic" by HER definition, she definitely has a dependence. Sorry thought you might not be 100%, I didn't realize that my Dad was an alcoholic until I did a questionnaire in a random book. I was shocked! I was also 20, he hit every item on the list but one. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 I don't think I need to go to al-anon to know that DOT. To her an alcoholic is someone who gets violent and drinks all day every day- she is in total denial about it. I have considered going to al anon to learn coping strategies, but my initial reaction is "why should I be the one to add something else to my already busy life when she won't even admit she has a problem" I know how you feel, I go to S-Anon, but there are certain things that help change the dynamic in the situation, could also influence her to reach beyond or at least cut down on the booze. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 sb, al-anon or any other kind of support group is for you, not your mother. Do you recall how you felt and feel post pregnancy having other mothers in play groups to discuss issues and happy situations with? Al-anon and other support groups not only are places for mutual support but also provide addiction specific methods of how to cope with alcoholism in the one you love. Anyways, don't want to nag you with this. I do know two alcoholics of which one is a close friend's husband, the other my poor cousin who isn't married. My close friend is a member of al-anon and has basically stated that without it, she would have been lost and angry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sb129 Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 I see what you are saying- and you're absolutely right. I just looked up the al-anon support number- I think I will call it. I don't like the thought of going to a group just at the moment, but I will definitely call the number. I wanted to get some thoughts from my online support group too! Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 One thing that might bother you about al-anon. It makes reference to God and higher powers. My friend isn't religious so it was recommended that she replace God with a higher power of her choice. As an example, the Serenity Prayer is something that's been incorporated into the philosophy of AA and its affiliates: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference. I'd just dump the "God" part where the rest still stands as a helpful litany to just about anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sb129 Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 Yes, I saw that on the website, I read through the twelve steps. I thought I wouldn't mind, but I REALLY have a problem with the whole higher power concept. Its part of nearly every single step! I don't believe that higher powers have anything to do with it- its got to come from within IMO... hmm I guess if you substitute that, the steps still make sense. Anyway- mental barrier mental barrier, must overcome. There is a local al-anon meeting on Monday. Its going to take a HUGE amount of convincing to get me to go- talk about getting outside the comfort zone!!! I have a few days to pluck up the courage. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 Some people just use the group as their higher power in order to keep themselves accountable. I forgot about the higher power thing. I think I will be a confirmed Step Oner for awhile. There are suggestions abounding for other ideas about what to use for a "higher power" instead of "God" Link to post Share on other sites
Author sb129 Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 I think I can get my head around it.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sb129 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Share Posted March 29, 2011 So- we talked. It didn't go so well initially, but I tried to keep the tone neutral and non accusatory. she said that she took on board what I had said. After a few days she told me that she agreed with alot of what I said, and that she wants to make some changes herself. I feel so much better- she really seems to have understood what I have said this time round, and we discussed a few strategies. fingers crossed. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 Will she be looking to external help? Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 Sorry to hear about this, sb129. I would have responded sooner if I'd seen the thread. Don't know what to say, other than that I have a friend who has an alcohol problem...and I never appreciated what a nightmare something like that can be to deal with. When he drinks, he becomes utterly unreasonable...and generally it's only a matter of time before I just get up and leave. When sober he's very sweet...but part of me thinks that's because he knows how awful he is when drunk, and is overcompensating in an effort to keep his friends. I'm glad that your mum has actually listened to you in this, and here's hoping that she can manage it before it starts to really impact on your relationship with her. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 So- we talked. It didn't go so well initially, but I tried to keep the tone neutral and non accusatory. she said that she took on board what I had said. After a few days she told me that she agreed with alot of what I said, and that she wants to make some changes herself. I feel so much better- she really seems to have understood what I have said this time round, and we discussed a few strategies. fingers crossed. That's actually really huge! Link to post Share on other sites
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