Wife is pregnant

[whichwayisup]

Hi lynne76,

 

The best way to get some perspective is to put yourself into someone else's shoes. So let's try an exercise.

 

1) Let's say you are his wife and he was having an affair with another woman for over a year. How would you feel about that?

 

Now let's take it one step further.

 

2) Let's say you are his wife and he was having an affair with another woman the entire time you were struggling to get pregnant with him. On one hand he is having sex with you and then he leaves the house and goes to have sex with the OW. How would you feel about that scenario?

 

Take a couple days to process those questions and then decide what kind of man this guy really is.

 

Best of luck.

 

Combo the above with this below:

 

All I can say is i didn't get over him, we are together, sometimes things are fantastic between us (when i only focus on him and me). and often when I think about our relationship and how we have to lie and if my friends and family knew I had been involved with the husband of a pregnant woman, I think they would think I was despicable, and I hate me. I don't know about hell but I think I might be a candidate. I don't want you to ever think these terrible things about yourself. That's not why I am posting. I just want you to think about if you might feel like me if you stay and wonder if now makes sense to get out. If not now, it might not be ever. Or at least a long time. And from what i see, it doesn't get easier.

It's no way to live.

 

And RGP, I hope one day you gather the strength to walk away, otherwise when your MM's wife clues in and finds out the truth one day, your life is going to be very difficult, and harder than it is now.. more than you realize.

[Carrot2000]

This is the hardest thing I've gone through and I'm scared I will be 60 years old and still loving him, never being able to overcome it.

 

You're 34 and you have at least another 50 years of life left on this planet. With that amount of time, plus the fact that there are 6.7 billion people on earth, there's no reason to fear that you'll end up alone. Whether you spend the rest of your life alone in a house full of cats and pining after someone else's husband or with a husband and kids of your own is entirely up to you.

 

It's time for you to change mindset and get a better perspective on things.

[PorkRinds]

I didn't mean to get involved with a married man

 

You meant to get involved with a man, who was married.

[TurboGirl]

Lots of good advice here, Lynne. My 2 cents... save yourself now and get out. You are young and you will recover from this. This MM and the pregnant wife... really sticky icky and it will not bode well for you. I don't have a crystal ball here, only my personal experience. Don't tell the wife... he will then be super pissed, who needs that drama?

 

Obviously there was still enough action going on there to get the wife pregnant, enough affection there for that to happen. I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this, I know the hurt. Think about it, please... walk away now, with your head held high, wish him well and tell him to have a nice life with his new family. Please don't wait for him to end it with you. OMG the pain, the pain, the pain, the pain. You be the one to pull the trigger & walk. Even all the more reason to handle it that way, especially since you are involved professionally.

 

The pain will be there when YOU say goodbye. Trust me it hurts worse when you are still there waiting for crumbs of affection, and he tells you its over... and goes home to his nice little family.

 

A hug for you... there will be happiness and love for you again!!

[lynne76]

I wanted to take a moment and thank everyone for their supportive feedback. I appreciate the support. I am on day 2 no contact, and this is the longest I've gone without speaking to him since the day we met. I know it is for the best for everyone involved, and I am determined to stick to it.

 

My question now is -- is there anyone else on this forum trying to deal with moving on, going no contact all of that? I need help in this -- I'm not sleeping well, I'm crying all the time, I'm so hurt and upset by life right now. All I really want for myself is good man, a stable and trusting relationship (although I feel like maybe none of them are -- for aside from Him, any one who has hit on me or flirted with me in the past few years is ALWAYS married -- it just seems like there are no single guys left -- I have dozens of women friends in their 30s/40s who are alone and have been for seemingly ever) and I really, really want to get over Him and move on with my life.

 

Thank you,

L76

[carhill]

OP, my sympathies. IDK if it would be helpful in your case, but professional therapy helped me 'break' the psychological cycle. One bell which did ring while reading the thread is that, if this man is 'typical', he'll be prowling for 'love' while his wife is pregnant, especially with such an important and tenuous pregnancy. He'll likely be aggressively pursuing you and any others he had/has in his lineup. Expect it.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd go black hole NC, meaning a wholesale change of contact information, and share this very difficult time of life with a neutral professional. If you're depressed (BTDT, for about two years in my case), they can refer out for potential medical solutions. Being proactive is the first, and most difficult, step. Once you take the first step, the rest get easier. Do one thing today to make a healthier future for yourself. Good luck

[lynne76]

Thank you so much for your response. I don't know what those ackronyms stand for?

 

And just to ease your mind...he's not "typical" in the regard you are talking about. This is a really smart, calm, centred man I am talking about. I was his first affair, there is no doubt in my mind, and he wants the best for me, and the best for him and his wife. It's not a crazy high-emotional situation, except that I am emotional about it in my own life. He won't stalk me or anything...or any other women for that matter. This situation with me turned his life upside down, and he's smart enough not to get into another one, likely ever.

 

The weird thing about the whole affair has been that I never would have been with him if he was that kind of man. A ruthless pursuer or chronic adulter, or even the kind of man that would abruptly leave his wife. But of course the flip side to that was in my fantasies, it would have worked out for him and I. It was (and I guess still is) a really tender, nurturing, and intense love we have had for one another. I knew it needed to end at some point and I was preparing to do it, but this announcement of the pregancy has speeded everything up and it comes at such a bad time for me because of the demands my job has on my life right now. I am thinking of quitting once I get through the next week, simply to give me space. I am not chronically attracted to unavailable men either -- it's just there are very few available men where I live. It's a huge topic all the time in my circles of women friends. It's like a draught or something. Most of them have already paired off and married, and it's like if you didn't find one by 30, you have received a life sentence to never have one.

[Ms. Red]

 

My question now is -- is there anyone else on this forum trying to deal with moving on, going no contact all of that? I need help in this -- I'm not sleeping well, I'm crying all the time, I'm so hurt and upset by life right now. All I really want for myself is good man, a stable and trusting relationship (although I feel like maybe none of them are -- for aside from Him, any one who has hit on me or flirted with me in the past few years is ALWAYS married -- it just seems like there are no single guys left -- I have dozens of women friends in their 30s/40s who are alone and have been for seemingly ever) and I really, really want to get over Him and move on with my life.

 

Thank you,

L76

 

 

 

Yes, there are many people on this forum that have been from that. I know you asked that before and I think it was missed.

 

This is the best forum for you to get support on moving on and letting go. You will get much support on that here.

 

You need to think about you and how you can make yourself relax during this difficult time. Do what makes you relax and calm down. Myself; I like to drive out to the best view available for the sunset and relax and take deep breaths in and think of something that makes me happy.

 

Some always suggest you go to a gym and work your ass off and get out your aggression. That's a good suggestion if you're into that.

 

Whatever you can do to take time out for you to relax or to kick ass in a gym. They key is to take time for YOU!

[lynne76]

Thank you. Right now my biggest challenge seems to be to stop googling images of them together. He's a very well known man (not in a celebrity sense or a politician sense or even in a business man sense) and there are a lot of photos of them online together, and youtube videos too. There is also a massive amount of material on him and his life as well...like everything he does gets chronicled and for the rest of my life, even with NC, it's like I will KNOW what is going on in their lives. I will definitely be able to find out when the baby is born, and probably see photos of their family together forever (assuming the internet is here to stay...). How do I kick this habit and protect myself? Is there a way to turn off certain Google phrases/pages? It's easy to tell me just Not To Do It, but it gets the better of me, and I work all day online.

 

Has anyone here ever been with a high profile man? How do you handle his life being so exposed everywhere?

[carhill]

Thank you so much for your response. I don't know what those ackronyms stand for?

 

IDK = I don't know

 

NC = no contact

 

BTDT = been there, done that

 

And just to ease your mind...he's not "typical" in the regard you are talking about. This is a really smart, calm, centred man I am talking about.

 

Yes, BTDT too. In my case, I would learn (from the MW) a generation later that this calm, centered person was f*cking her boss and used me to 'get over' him. Other future revelations (this is where caring about someone is a mutha, due to emotional memory production and retention) would show her to be an abject liar. So my advice to you, unless you have had him followed by a professional investigator over time, is to believe very little of what he *tells* you. Cheaters lie. BTDT, though only for a brief period, like a week; still, cost me my M.

 

Trust me, if you want to 'fix' this, no contact and professional help are a great start. Want is the key.

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

 

This thread can help you with the NC.

 

As for googling him..Well, somehow you need to be strong and each day google him less and less, make it less of a daily habit. there's no way you're going to stop right away, but you CAN decrease your googles every day/night. It'll be hard, but face it as an addiction, a habit that you've gotten yourself into that needs to be broken.

 

You are doing the right thing, for you. As painful as it is, your decision to be in NC will help you detach from him and help you grieve/heal. Take things hour by hour, day by day. Keep posting and most of all, KEEP busy. Don't let your thoughts eat you up. Be around people who truly care about you, friends, family, neighbours.

[PorkRinds]

I was his first affair, there is no doubt in my mind

 

Why is this important to you?

[Mary-Jane]

Thank you. Right now my biggest challenge seems to be to stop googling images of them together. He's a very well known man (not in a celebrity sense or a politician sense or even in a business man sense) and there are a lot of photos of them online together, and youtube videos too. There is also a massive amount of material on him and his life as well...like everything he does gets chronicled and for the rest of my life, even with NC, it's like I will KNOW what is going on in their lives. I will definitely be able to find out when the baby is born, and probably see photos of their family together forever (assuming the internet is here to stay...). How do I kick this habit and protect myself? Is there a way to turn off certain Google phrases/pages? It's easy to tell me just Not To Do It, but it gets the better of me, and I work all day online.

 

Has anyone here ever been with a high profile man? How do you handle his life being so exposed everywhere?

 

Even not so high profile men have their lives on show on the internet. And when I kept obsessively googling/looking on facebook etc, the only thing I could do when it became extremely traumatising was to clean history completely and use LeechBlock extension (to block all those sites and make available pages needed for work) for Firefox browser so that at least for some time I could break this vicious circle of hurting myself over and over again.. Only a temporary measure of course, but nevertheless somewhat useful for healing process.

 

Good luck to you, I hope you get better soon, I'm sure you were born for better things in life than being second best for him.

[lynne76]

Thank you, I am going to look into LeechBlock, both for my home and work computer. That's really good advice.

[mizliz]

Thank you, I am going to look into LeechBlock, both for my home and work computer. That's really good advice.

 

Good for you. ((Lynne))

 

It will get easier the more you distance yourself. I promise you.

[lynne76]

Hi,

 

I am on day 3 of NC and I feel like I might cave in. I just miss hearing from him so much and I'm having so much trouble letting him go. I just feel so sad...it's nothing like what I've gone through with other breakups. This is so much harder because right now he has something so wonderful in his life -- what he's always wished for since the day he met his wife -- this baby -- to focus on, and I'm all alone trying to deal with the pain of this breakup. Realistically, I know that we could never have been together. He loves his wife more than he ever loved me, and even were he to ever try to unravel their marriage to be with me, it would have taken years -- she would have fought for them, so hard. So that means that even if we *did* get together, by the time it all would have worked out, he'd be in his early 50s and me around 35/36/37, possibly making having a child with him just as hard as it has been for them to begin with. I know this all intellectually, but the feelings of missing him, of loving him, of just wanting to connect with him are so overpowering.

 

What is the point of life if I never find anyone to share it with? I've been on my own for 7 years with no prospects...none of my single girlfriends have had any prospects either. I know beautiful, accomplished women who haven't been on a date in ten years. I feel like have nothing to hope for where love is concerned in my life, especially since this man was, hands down, the love of my life...and still is. Many of my girlfriends are involved with married men, simply because after a certain amount of time going on nowhere dates with the few single men around, they give in to the attention of married men, mostly because they -- my friends -- are in the prime of life and at their sexual peak, and there are no single men for them to be with. Eventually their need to be touched, held, and to have sex with someone, gets the better of them. It seems like it is a really hard time in life, and in society, to be a single woman.

 

All I know is that if it wasn't for this baby, I think I would have easily stayed involved with this man for the rest of my life. The idea right now of him not in my future is so hard to handle.

 

Please reassure me I am doing the right thing by being NC. I miss him terribly.

[greengoddess]

No you have not been on your own for 7 years with no prospects. You have had your eyes closed off to all prospects because you have been in love with this man.

 

OPEN YOUR EYES!!! Forget him and you will see so much out there. Stop looking and worrying about being alone and it will happen. Real genuine, pure love will come.

[BB07]

And just to ease your mind...he's not "typical" in the regard you are talking about. This is a really smart, calm, centred man I am talking about. I was his first affair, there is no doubt in my mind, and he wants the best for me, and the best for him and his wife. It's not a crazy high-emotional situation, except that I am emotional about it in my own life. He won't stalk me or anything...or any other women for that matter. This situation with me turned his life upside down, and he's smart enough not to get into another one, likely ever.

 

The weird thing about the whole affair has been that I never would have been with him if he was that kind of man. A ruthless pursuer or chronic adulter, or even the kind of man that would abruptly leave his wife. But of course the flip side to that was in my fantasies, it would have worked out for him and I. It was (and I guess still is) a really tender, nurturing, and intense love we have had for one another. I knew it needed to end at some point and I was preparing to do it, but this announcement of the pregancy has speeded everything up and it comes at such a bad time for me because of the demands my job has on my life right now. I am thinking of quitting once I get through the next week, simply to give me space. I am not chronically attracted to unavailable men either -- it's just there are very few available men where I live. It's a huge topic all the time in my circles of women friends. It's like a draught or something. Most of them have already paired off and married, and it's like if you didn't find one by 30, you have received a life sentence to never have one.

 

I know you really believe what you've said about your xmm being such a good man and it's his 1st affair, blah, blah, blah in the above post.......BUT as hard as it is to believe that you might be wrong and you should consider it a very real possibility that you are. Of course I don't know that, but I'm here to tell you that I used to think much as you do and I found out absolutely positively that I was being played for a fool. Oh and this was a man who gave everyone the impression that he was a honorable, kindhearted, good man and oh yeah everyone thought he was including me. Guess what..........I was VERY, VERY wrong and even though you don't want to be, you COULD be too.

[lynne76]

If only that were true. Prior to meeting him, I had my eyes open for six years. I did everything I was told to do -- sometimes "looking" and sometimes "not looking". When I finally met my MM, I know one of the factors that made it so easy was because I hadn't been touched in four years. He was really, really hard to turn down. People need love in their lives, they need touch, and they need nurturing. It's biological. And yet for those of us who can't get it at all, when we finally find it with someone who is married, we're so villified....it's confusing. Were I not to have been with him, I have no doubt another year of my 30s would have gone by in cellibacy, because I can't bring myself to have meaningless flings. And with this married man, there was meaning in spades. He changed my life for so long for the better, and now suddenly having to get over him with no real warning that it was coming is killing me. I am determined to stick it out, but I can't imagine ever loving anyone to the extent I've loved him again. I want to imagine that, I really do, but it just seems so unlikely.

[lynne76]

No, he hadn't cheated on her before. I know there's no way to prove that here, and I guess it doesn't matter either way (in some ways) but I know that he hadn't of before. And I also know, with a real certainty, that he won't again...not with this baby on the way. He's a very content person, affair with me aside, and loves his marriage and his wife and thrilled to be opening up this next chapter in his life. It's just hard for me because he has this great thing happening, and I have nothing to look forward to it feels like. I just miss him and am not ready to give up what we have had, although I'm being justifiably forced to. You have to forgive me because I haven't slept all week or eaten very much...I'm so distraught about everything in my life right now. He really was such a rock for me and "there for me" as much as anyone who is married can be. We really did/do just love each other very much. I know from times in my own life that I have sometimes loved more than just one person, and that's what happened to him. I'm grateful for it -- in some ways it saved my life last year -- but now i'm just having a hard time letting it and him go, and picturing my life without him moving forward.

[greengoddess]

be prepared. Once the baby is born and his wife is doting all over the baby and not him he may wander back for some fun. Please don't go for it.

[lynne76]

I never would. And if anyone is going to be doting on the baby as much as she is, it will be him. He's over the moon.

[MLC64]

Lynne,

I just wanted to hope you are still in NC today.....I am just staring, Day 1. It sucks and I know it is extremely difficult. The longest my MM and I have gone is 2 days.....my A has been only 4 months or so, but I am hoping to be able to post here whenever I feel the urge to txt or to respond to him. It is going to be brutal but I have to. I miss him terribly too we txtd often, sharing the day together...so I know the longing, it is so hard to manage.

This A is a going nowhere situation and I am grateful that you shared your story as others have...it gives me hope.

 

good luck and I hope you keep posting

[BB07]

No, he hadn't cheated on her before. I know there's no way to prove that here, and I guess it doesn't matter either way (in some ways) but I know that he hadn't of before. And I also know, with a real certainty, that he won't again...not with this baby on the way. He's a very content person, affair with me aside, and loves his marriage and his wife and thrilled to be opening up this next chapter in his life. It's just hard for me because he has this great thing happening, and I have nothing to look forward to it feels like. I just miss him and am not ready to give up what we have had, although I'm being justifiably forced to. You have to forgive me because I haven't slept all week or eaten very much...I'm so distraught about everything in my life right now. He really was such a rock for me and "there for me" as much as anyone who is married can be. We really did/do just love each other very much. I know from times in my own life that I have sometimes loved more than just one person, and that's what happened to him. I'm grateful for it -- in some ways it saved my life last year -- but now i'm just having a hard time letting it and him go, and picturing my life without him moving forward.

 

You don't have to prove it to me or anyone here but at least open your eyes to the possibility that he may not be who you think he is. After all........you can't discount that he has cheated and lied on his wife with you so it's not unusual for people who are dishonest in one part of their lives to be dishonest in others. Some are dishonest in every aspect..........and are very good at conning those who are gullible. I found this out the hard way.

[lynne76]

Hi MLC,

 

I am on Day 4, and holding. It's hard, especially since I hold no ill-will for this man. We had something really special to us both, and we have to let it go because we realise it couldn't go on any longer. In some ways, even before I knew about his baby, I knew it was coming, so I guess in some ways I was preparing for this eventually, although I will admit I didn't expect it out of the blue, or the way it happened. It's been a long hard week to catch up to everything, and I don't expect next week will be any better, but eventually, I think it will be.

 

I hope you find peace with your situation. I think once you go NC you'll find that a stress has lifted off of you and you can focus more clearly on your daughter and the rest of your life now, too. Stay the course, you will feel better.