BF vs Family

[Qicah]

My parents hated the idea of me having a bf. I really don't know why, when to think they experienced being in relationships when they were young and ended happily married. They were controlling my life when I was in High School. I had to be home at 5:30 on schooldays and they won't let me go out during weekends unless it was for school activities.

 

Having a relationship was not in my mind that time but I got so curious and confused. Kept asking myself, "What is in a relationship that my parents would totally disagree of me having one?" And I met my first love whom I cared about so much and kept the relationship just between the two of us, acted as bestfriends considering that we were still young. When we neared our 8th monthsary, my parents knew that I am seeing him and threatened me that they will let me stop schooling if I will not break up with him. I had no choice but to dump him and I felt so depressed and frustrated. BUt I moved on. I was so young and it wasn't the right time to fight for love.

 

I took up a 4 year course in college. I thought it was fine to have a bf coz I'm old enough and I made the biggest pressumption. I met the 'love' of my life. I told my parents about it coz I didn't want to play hide and seek with them anymore. But I regret opening up my relationship to them. They demanded that I should break up with him. I was 19 that time but I chose him, stayed with him, fight my love for him.

 

We're still going steady right now. I am now working and financially supporting my family. I love him so much and he's not taking me away from my family... He has only taken my time and attention. I do my responsibilities to my family, pay the bills, give allowances to my siblings, and sometimes gives my parents my savings. But my parents and brothers are still meddling us. What should I do? I have done everything, tried to be responsible to my family, but why do they still come across our ways? They are letting me choose between them and this guy? Who should I choose? I love my family and I do love this guy much.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[tori]

There is really no right or wrong answer.. or true answer any one of us out here can give you. you have to do what you feel is right, and will make you a happy and complete person.

if this man is supportive of you and is not trying to draw you away from your family or the rest of your responsibilities, interests in life, it sounds like you may have a keeper. the thing is, you say your family can't see that. perhaps they just don't want you to get hurt or maybe it goes deeper than that. you say you are supporting your family.. now, i don't want to pry. but aren't they capable of supporting themselves? i do not know the circumstances but i can assure you that you should not be expected to support your family. i think you have been taking care of your family for so long that you just can't seem to stop feeling obligated to them. you have every right to find happiness for yourself. you support them financially (which i think is commendable on your part, but pathetic on theirs).

did you ever think they are just using this "i don't like this guy or you being in a relationship" excuse to hide from what they're really concerned about? maybe they are afraid that if you run off and marry this guy,you will quit bringing the bacon home and they will actually have to start taking care of themselves. i think they have just gotten too dependent on you, and they are angry and fearful that they will lose.

i think the only thing you can really do is be honest with them. if they really and truly love you, they won't ask you to choose. they must know how much you love this person. i think them asking you to choose is their way of using a scare tactic on you.

what if you turned the tables and just stood up for yourself? tell them that you have given them everything and that it's your turn now. you may be surprised at the response you get. the thing is, the harder you try to please them, the worse it will get. they know you are trying to please them and they will use that to make you feel guilty. don't fall for it!!! you do what you have to do. and do it now. do it before it's too late. if i were your significant other.. i don't think i could deal with this going on like this forever. you need to start standing up tall, fight for what you want.. and that doesn't mean trying to hush them and their opinions or dislikes. it means taking control of your life and doing what you need to do. even if that means you take a break from talking to your family. you need to show them that you have respect for yourself.. you need to show yourself that. then maybe things will become clear for you. good luck.. keep me updated.

[Arabess]

Since you are supporting the family.....the weren't using much wisdom in demanding you make a choice!! I wonder if you stopped the funds if they would have a change of heart.

 

It's nice to hear you take care of your family....I'm very impressed!!!! You still have a right to your own life though.

 

PLEASE post back what you decide to do!!!!

[Qicah]

Thanks for ur replies.

 

Here's what happened lately.

 

My bf promised that if we get married, he will still let me support my family financially. I'm still young, turning 22, but mature enough to stand up on my own. I'm still not thinking about this marriage thing.

 

My bf and my younger brother were roommates before. My guy would wake up early in the morning to cook breakfast for my brother and would do the cleaning. One time, my brother borrowed my bf's cellphone and erased all the SMS in his inbox which were so valuable to him. Those SMS were nearly a year old in his inbox. I was the one who got angry and my bf just remained silent. What we didn't expect was that my brother confronted my bf, yelling at him that he was trying to get me unto his side, away from my family... but he wasn't... it was my brother's fault...i just gave him a simple lesson. My mother sided my brother. Because of that, my bf moved to the room next to my brother's.

 

Months later, my brother and I are in speaking terms again. I moved to live with my brother along with my cousin. When I go home from work, I stay in my bf's room and wait 'til time to sleep before i get back to my brother's room.

 

Oftentimes, my cousin would bring along her friends to our room and so I have to wait 'til they would be gone so I can sleep. I hated those times. I wanted to sleep early but I just can't coz my cousin's friends are in our bed. So, I would go to Jaime's room and there I would sleep.

 

My bf lended his old cellphone to my brother but whenever I and my brother had a fight, I usually get it back. Last week, my brother did a stupid thing and so I got the phone and I didn't hand it back to him. My bf can't understand why my brother would go against us when we tried so hard to please him. He deleted the numbers my brother stored in his cellphone and just this Wednesday, my brother asked for the cellphone and we gave it back to him. Few minutes, he returned the cellphone while saying, "You worthless fool, you erased my numbers" and left.

 

I ignored what he said but my bf just can't take it anymore. We've been patient and passive for so long and he planned of confronting my brother. He told my brother, "Why are you angry. You have no right to. In the first place, the cellphone isn't yours". And my brother insulted us...I had no place to go so I slept in my bf's room... my brother locked our room... was lucky I have few clothes in my bfs room.

 

Last night, my brother went home late, about 11PM. I was already sleeping when my bf woke me up. My brother pasted a letter across the door telling "Shame on you. My name, idiot". I didn't mind what he wrote but my bf really got disgusted. He told my brother "You don't have the right to say that. If she'll gonna prove she's idiot and worthless, let's see what happens to your family. You can say I am idiot but your elder sis is not. Go home and tell your mother what we did to you. We aren't afraid".

 

I know my brother would tell my mother about this. I am afraid to go home. I'm afraid they would lecture me 'til death. Please tell me what to do. Shall I go home and face them or not?

[swtbonita]

I don't understand why you have to support your family.. It just seems like they are using you and only making you feel guilty so that you have to support them.. If you are supporting your family, why do you think they have the right to lecture you? Personally I see you as being the grownup in this whole situation and your family is doing a good job at making you miserable and unhappy, in order to make you feel that you have done something wrong.

 

You have not done anything wrong. i think you should stop supporting them.. and your brother should grow up. I would never deal with that crap.. If someone is making me miserable why should i care what they think.. they obviously don't care how you feel.. so why do you care so much about what they think..

 

Stop letting them use you.. show them that you can have a happy life with your bf and you can do it all yourself.. you don't need to please others, whether or not they are your family it doesn't matter..

 

and i don't see it as a choice between your family and your boyfriend.. i see it as a choice of whether or not you are happy.. whether or not they are using you.. and whether or not you want to put up with their immaturity.. Personally i think the only choice you have is you be selfish for once, do what you want to do, show everyone what makes you happy because your family obviously isn't making you happy..

 

If your family cares so much about you they wouldn't make you choose.. they wouldn't put you through this.. they wouldn't try to live off of you.. they wouldn't make you feel guilty.. they wouldn't use you.. i think you have to stop being scared of your parents and start being true to yourself.. because if you don't you might just lose yourself in all of this chaos..