Guys - third date sex makes a girl slutty? Timeline?

[bac]

it depends on what u/him are/is looking for. in general, it takes 5 dates to rule out FWBs/ONSs type of guys if you are looking for smth serious.

 

Most guys are looking for a slut, so, it takes them a few dates to rule out serious girls and to reject them.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Personally, I have found the whole holding-off-in-order (to not appear cheap / to appear sensitive and thoughtful) to be tedious and fake and, in all cases, frustrating for both parties and driven by unwarranted fear.

 

This.

 

If you make your decision about when to have sex with a man you're interested in based upon your wish to control what he thinks of you, I don't think it bodes well for the future no matter what you do.

 

You just need to do what is right for YOU in THIS situation. If you have reservations about this guy's intentions and you want to protect yourself, then wait. Wait long enough to be as sure as you can be about his intentions. If you want to have sex and are mature and willing to OWN the possible consequences (for example, that the two of you might not end up together anyway), and still enjoy it, then go ahead. If you have a personal moral code that informs you that sex should not be had until a certain amount of time has passed with a guy, then follow YOUR own moral code. Don't try to gauge what you do to try to get the guy to respond as you wish.

 

Certainly there are guys who will decide that you were too "easy" and move on. Some of them have responded here. If this guy is one of those ... what do you want with him anyway?

 

If two people are on a path to a "real" (healthy) relationship, sex will cease to be a power play for either one of them.

[blackmagik]

I keep reading this and looking at your the OPS comments and I just can't help but wonder what is going through her mind. I normally say the 4-5 date (3weeks - 1 month) rule is pretty sound for most adults who are looking for a LTR. This could be the case with this guy but bringing up sex and sexual chemistry on the first date or even second date is tacky.

 

Of course he is going to say he is in it for your mind when you ask him if he is in it for just sex. No true player is going to admit he is in it just for sex, that could possibly eliminate his chances right off the bat. He has cooled off on the texts and being over eager but really I can't help but wonder what his actual intentions may be. Have you guys talked about who you are looking for in the dating world? Something Long Term? Flings? etc? Is there a lot of conversation about other things during the dates or does it turn to touching and kissing pretty quickly?

[Mr.Cairo]

You must be new back to the dating game? Wait as long as you can. 5th date? Can you make it? 7th? Seriously, men love being made to wait. Its pathetic, but absolutely true.

 

Meanwhile, use your eyes and ears... so its all good (waiting I mean).

 

I waited till 3rd. Not long enough.

 

WAIT! If you can't cope with it physically, don't stay long, make a respectable exit, and make an excuse that sounds genuine (your neice is getting married, whatever!)

 

I do see the value of the advice both given by female posters and male posters on what each gender(as long as the poster belongs to the gender being given advice about) might think and act in certain scenarios, but in this case you are mistaken.

 

Wait until the 5th date? I never wait for anything beyond the 2nd date. If she's on a date with me she knows what I have in mind so by date #2 if there is no sex, there is no chemistry so I move on.

 

As long as there's protection and both parties are sure that this is what they want, I'd have sex during the first date. The good thing about this is that, even if the woman doesn't agree with this, it doesn't matter that much to me because there are plenty out there willing and eager to have sex without a timetable.

 

In the same note there are plenty of guys willing to wait, I guess. It all sorts out.

[CharleyT]

magik - yep, same guy. And I think you are right. It's just uh difficult.

 

Hey!! I'm waiting 5 months (nearly 4 months down) but I'm not gonna pass that off as superhuman control it's not my choice, we're long distance until the 28th of April. I'm not suggesting you wait 5 months but a few weeks might be good, I have to say the sexual tension right now is killing me but it'll be explosive when he gets back So rather than dive in and maybe not be so impressed why don't you crank the tension up over the next few weeks?

xxx

[oaks]

For anyone who waits a significant amount of time... does it actually make the sex better?

 

If, after all the 'sexual tension' has built up, the sex turns out to be mediocre wouldn't that make it even more of a disappointment?

[carhill]

For anyone who waits a significant amount of time... does it actually make the sex better?

 

IME, it wasn't/isn't about 'better' or 'worse' or 'mediocre' since I don't 'rate' sex. YMMV. To me, a person I've gone on three dates with who was heretofore a stranger and is largely still so doesn't match up with my sexual response pattern. That same person, if known to me for a significant time, where circumstances and/or feelings changed, could very well match up with that pattern after three dates.

 

IMO, there's someone for everyone, whether it's first date sex or waiting for marriage and everything in between. Finding a healthy match is the work

[Ms. Joolie]

IMO, there's someone for everyone, whether it's first date sex or waiting for marriage and everything in between. Finding a healthy match is the work

 

Yes, OP, so go ahead. Be free. Be happy. Be yourself.

[utterer of lies]

If you make your decision about when to have sex with a man you're interested in based upon your wish to control what he thinks of you, I don't think it bodes well for the future no matter what you do.

 

That's not necessarily true. If she's such a control freak that she needs the feeling to be able to control all that, and he is willing to put up with these kind of psycho games, it might have a happy ending after all. She just needs to hope he doesn't have a lot of self-respect...

[purplepanda]

I read a book that says wait AT LEAST SIX WEEKS minimum, because things can spiral in a different direction really quickly.

 

If it were me, I'd give myself six week, then if it doesn't feel right then, wait until it does. It's always worth the wait.

[lonely79]

This.

 

If you make your decision about when to have sex with a man you're interested in based upon your wish to control what he thinks of you, I don't think it bodes well for the future no matter what you do.

 

You just need to do what is right for YOU in THIS situation. If you have reservations about this guy's intentions and you want to protect yourself, then wait. Wait long enough to be as sure as you can be about his intentions. If you want to have sex and are mature and willing to OWN the possible consequences (for example, that the two of you might not end up together anyway), and still enjoy it, then go ahead. If you have a personal moral code that informs you that sex should not be had until a certain amount of time has passed with a guy, then follow YOUR own moral code. Don't try to gauge what you do to try to get the guy to respond as you wish.

 

Certainly there are guys who will decide that you were too "easy" and move on. Some of them have responded here. If this guy is one of those ... what do you want with him anyway?

 

If two people are on a path to a "real" (healthy) relationship, sex will cease to be a power play for either one of them.

 

I have been following this thread a bit and i think this is definitely the best advice, esp the bolded part. If he is going to think you're a slut, then that's how he thinks, and waiting won't change that. Might make you feel better about yourself though..?

[Mr.Cairo]

I read a book that says wait AT LEAST SIX WEEKS minimum, because things can spiral in a different direction really quickly.

 

If it were me, I'd give myself six week, then if it doesn't feel right then, wait until it does. It's always worth the wait.

 

Books exist to make money, not to help people. Playing by the same tune, we could point the men to follow the 'rules' seen inside the PUA books because it gets men sex with drunk women?

[blackmagik]

Books exist to make money, not to help people. Playing by the same tune, we could point the men to follow the 'rules' seen inside the PUA books because it gets men sex with drunk women?

 

I beg to differ. Books and the written word, such as this FORUM are here to help people. Books that didn't offer good reasonable advice wouldn't make any money at all... therefore waynebrady or tiger20 should never write a book.

[Mr.Cairo]

I beg to differ. Books and the written word, such as this FORUM are here to help people. Books that didn't offer good reasonable advice wouldn't make any money at all... therefore waynebrady or tiger20 should never write a book.

 

Look at the bible. Jokes aside, books are bought by the believers and by the people who think that the advice can help them out. 'The Game' is a best-seller. You think it helped men? Nope. It benefited the bars, the fashion industry, and possibly the gyms.

 

'The Game 'gives an entirely wrong mind-set about about women and it makes these guys to be nothing more than sleazy wannabe Casanovas. And that is said after seeing guys 'opening their sets' on my female friends.

[sally4sara]

If its ever too soon for a guy to have sex and still extend the girl respect - he should decline the offer. Otherwise he is as much trash as she is AND easily influenced to boot. I'd expect to lead him around by the nose.

 

Baaaahhh you sheep!

[makelemonade1974]

I'm just going to screw him next chance I get. I don't think (judging from his behavior) that he's relationship material anyway, so I'll just have fun and what happens happens.

 

Haven't had sex since my last BF (7 months ago), so I need to jump back on the proverbial horse, if nothing else just to prove something to myself.

 

I overthink things way too much (obviously).

[denise_xo]

I'm just going to screw him next chance I get.

 

 

Love your attitude. Enjoy

[Mr.Cairo]

I'm just going to screw him next chance I get. I don't think (judging from his behavior) that he's relationship material anyway, so I'll just have fun and what happens happens.

 

Haven't had sex since my last BF (7 months ago), so I need to jump back on the proverbial horse, if nothing else just to prove something to myself.

 

I overthink things way too much (obviously).

 

And remember. If the guy doesn't respect you after having sex with you, regardless of how many dates you've been with him: he's trash.

 

Think of that fling as a tool to keep off the sexual tension you're experiencing. You're going to evaluate the next guy to come along according to what you want out of a partner instead of jumping his bones just because you were sexually tense.

[sumdude]

I'm just going to screw him next chance I get. I don't think (judging from his behavior) that he's relationship material anyway, so I'll just have fun and what happens happens.

 

Haven't had sex since my last BF (7 months ago), so I need to jump back on the proverbial horse, if nothing else just to prove something to myself.

 

I overthink things way too much (obviously).

 

LOL you go girl and have some fun.

 

Just keep in mind... what if HE ends up being the one feeling and hoping for more, gets attached and you cut him loose after a couple rolls in the hay?

[Eeyore79]

As long as there's protection and both parties are sure that this is what they want, I'd have sex during the first date. The good thing about this is that, even if the woman doesn't agree with this, it doesn't matter that much to me because there are plenty out there willing and eager to have sex without a timetable.

 

With all due respect, this is exactly why I don't have sex with guys early on. If he thinks I'm special then he'll wait for me, because he wants a relationship with me, not some other woman. If he thinks I'm easily replaceable and sex is the main thing he wants from me, then he isn't really into me and I'm glad I didn't sleep with him.

 

You obviously see women as replaceable and interchangeable, given that you said if one woman won't do it there are plenty more who will. Your attitude is fairly common: you don't care who you get sex from as long as you get it. That's not what I want from a relationship; I want a man who specifically wants me and wouldn't replace me with another woman simply because she puts out sooner.

[Ms. Joolie]

I don't think (judging from his behavior) that he's relationship material anyway, so I'll just have fun and what happens happens.

 

Awww don't throw him under the bus already. Have sex with him for the pleasure of it because you both want to, because you want to with each other. Don't have your sex life be about just screwing people unless that is truly what you want.

 

Be open and listen to him as if he's excellent relationship material. Give him the chance and then what happens happens.

[Mr.Cairo]

With all due respect, this is exactly why I don't have sex with guys early on. If he thinks I'm special then he'll wait for me, because he wants a relationship with me, not some other woman. If he thinks I'm easily replaceable and sex is the main thing he wants from me, then he isn't really into me and I'm glad I didn't sleep with him.

 

You obviously see women as replaceable and interchangeable, given that you said if one woman won't do it there are plenty more who will. Your attitude is fairly common: you don't care who you get sex from as long as you get it. That's not what I want from a relationship; I want a man who specifically wants me and wouldn't replace me with another woman simply because she puts out sooner.

 

There are billions of human beings and life is short. Anyone spending time with us in any way or shape is already special because we're giving them the little time we have on this planet. I'm with a woman on a date because I'm attracted to her. She's special enough for me to not be with another woman. If she doesn't feel special enough to understand that(and through my actions people know how I am) then there is no attraction - enough to make her want to spend that time having sex with me.

 

That's fine. There are plenty more women on the planet besides her. While she doesn't see me as special, or is not attracted to me enough to make me not waste my time, there are no hard feelings. I simply quickly exit from the scene and cut that woman from my life. Never missed out on anything special enough to make me give up some of the moments of my life.

[zengirl]

I don't get it. Is this an age-related thing? I'm surprised to hear this from non-virgin women over 30... Waiting 6-8 weeks, 2 months, 3 months... what difference does it make after a few dates?

 

Pregnancy and STDs are very real and serious issues.... I can totally understand waiting because a woman doesn't want to take any risks until she knows the man well enough. But because you're afraid the guy will get "bored"? I don't quite get the reasoning.

 

Say "Hit it and Quit it" Guy only wants sex and not a serious LTR. You have sex on the 3rd date. You never hear from him again. Problem? Not really. You know he doesn't want the same thing. But still... is it a problem? You both had fun, no? Or is sex only a tool to get the guy to commit? You can only enjoy it if it leads to something? You feel used? Why would you feel used if you enjoyed it too? Do you feel your worth depreciates with each new person you have sex with, like a used car with a rising odometer? But does that analogy even make sense? I think it makes no sense, personally.

 

Personally, I would feel very used and unhappy. Physical enjoyment of the act itself is not the only benefit of sex for me. I see sex as a tool for intimacy and connection, and I make it clear to guys that I don't do casual sex and look for real relationships. If a guy "tricked" me (which hasn't happened -- knock on wood) into having sex and then wasn't interested for very long after, I'd feel like my trust, my body, and my intimacy had been violated. I suppose people who see value in casual sex (and I don't judge them -- it's just not my bag) wouldn't get this. It's not a "numbers" thing or some sort of "purity" game (I'm wonderfully dirty with the right fellow, and I love sex in the right contexts), like miles on a car. And it's not a tool to trap a guy into commitment --- if a guy doesn't want a commitment, all he has to do is tell me, and we'll go our separate ways. No worries.

 

I feel like lying to a girl to get her to sleep with you is just a couple rungs above drugging her. Shouldn't be illegal, but it's definitely immoral. And guarding against it seems natural to me because I know it would be damaging to me. But I wouldn't be down for sex with a guy I didn't know well anyway. It wouldn't even be very fun. So that's just my style, I guess.

 

And I also agree with this:

 

If two people are on a path to a "real" (healthy) relationship, sex will cease to be a power play for either one of them.

 

Though dating would be a whole lot easier if we could count on people to be honest with themselves and each other about what they really want from each other and the relationship.

 

I keep reading this and looking at your the OPS comments and I just can't help but wonder what is going through her mind. I normally say the 4-5 date (3weeks - 1 month) rule is pretty sound for most adults who are looking for a LTR. This could be the case with this guy but bringing up sex and sexual chemistry on the first date or even second date is tacky.

 

Of course he is going to say he is in it for your mind when you ask him if he is in it for just sex. No true player is going to admit he is in it just for sex, that could possibly eliminate his chances right off the bat. He has cooled off on the texts and being over eager but really I can't help but wonder what his actual intentions may be. Have you guys talked about who you are looking for in the dating world? Something Long Term? Flings? etc? Is there a lot of conversation about other things during the dates or does it turn to touching and kissing pretty quickly?

 

Agreed. This sounds like a purely sexual connection to me. Which the OP has chosen to go after --- because it suits what she wants. I hope she's upfront about what she wants with herself and the man in question.

[sumdude]

Hmm.. if I was really into a woman and we had sex on the third or fourth date and the sex was good. There's no reason I wouldn't want to keep seeing her. If I wasn't feeling it after we had sex.. well that's a different story. It happens to both men and women.

[Eeyore79]

TAnyone spending time with us in any way or shape is already special because we're giving them the little time we have on this planet. I'm with a woman on a date because I'm attracted to her. She's special enough for me to not be with another woman.

That isn't special enough for me. I want to be special enough for a man to give me the rest of his life, not just an evening. If there isn't a prospect for the man committing to me, I'm not interested. However it takes a while to work out whether there's any potential for commitment, so I hold off on sex until I've established that.