shawn923 Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 It seems the dumpers usually show no emotions and leave the situation positive with no worries... Yet at some time, they usually feel the heartbreak later down the line. Is this true? If so is there a time table to this? Especially if the Dumpee thought the relationship was real love. Can a dumper really just leave it behind so easily, with no doubts? Link to post Share on other sites
Call Me Al Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 Anyone who has emotions invested in a relationship feels the pain of a breakup. A friend of mine left his girlfriend and he has been pretty depressed about it. He knew it needed to happen, but that doesnt change that he feels bad for hurting her and that even though it wasnt meant to be, he still cared about her and enjoyed their time together. Its not cut and dry. No one who breaks up unless they are a total sociopath walks away unscathed and happy with their decision. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 Usually, the dumper has thought about his or her decision long and hard before doing the dumping. That's why they seem like they are "emotionless". While the dumpee is unsuspecting, the dumper has already gone through the thought and grieving process. By the time they break up with you, they have come to terms with leaving you, and have already done all the grieving and processing. People come back sometimes, in my experience, it has always been too late. By the time they come back, I have finished grieving too and I've never gone back to a remorseful ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shawn923 Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 Usually, the dumper has thought about his or her decision long and hard before doing the dumping. That's why they seem like they are "emotionless". While the dumpee is unsuspecting, the dumper has already gone through the thought and grieving process. By the time they break up with you, they have come to terms with leaving you, and have already done all the grieving and processing. People come back sometimes, in my experience, it has always been too late. By the time they come back, I have finished grieving too and I've never gone back to a remorseful ex. Very interesting:confused: I never thought of that... They were grieving BEFORE the dumpee even saw it coming... Link to post Share on other sites
0hpenelope Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 Its not cut and dry. No one who breaks up unless they are a total sociopath walks away unscathed and happy with their decision. Gotta throw my ex into that pile. But I'm happy with my decision too - my decision to be in NC. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenPolicy Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 One thing I've noticed on these boards is that most people here are dumpees, and dumpees who have gone through a particularly heart-wrenching breakup. When I think back to my ex, if we had dated for 4-5 months and she dumped me and simply said "It's not working out," I probably would have been bummed out for awhile, but I wouldn't have been devastated. On this board, people are seeking support because they've been cheated on, been left for another person, or been blindsided in a particularly heartless and cruel way with little explanation. Which tells me that some of the dumpers that drive people to Love Shack are heartless and cruel people that probably lack empathy. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 Very interesting:confused: I never thought of that... They were grieving BEFORE the dumpee even saw it coming... Yep, it sucks to be blindsided- but that's usually what happens. A guy once broke up with me and told me he had been miserable for months. I was blindsided, but he had already come to terms with breaking up with me (apparantly months) long before he had the balls to say anything. The above scenario was the situation that brought me to loveshack 6 years ago. That break up crushed me. I work with 2 girls that have just broken up with their bf's- but they have both been talking about it and working up to it for months. They are both fine with their decision because they have been thinking it through for quite some time. A gf of mine is married, and she started talking about checking out of the relationship a couple of years ago. She recently just walked out on him, but she'd done the groundwork and come to terms with the consequences a long time ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Mixed28 Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 Yep, it sucks to be blindsided- but that's usually what happens. A guy once broke up with me and told me he had been miserable for months. I was blindsided, but he had already come to terms with breaking up with me (apparantly months) long before he had the balls to say anything. The above scenario was the situation that brought me to loveshack 6 years ago. That break up crushed me. I work with 2 girls that have just broken up with their bf's- but they have both been talking about it and working up to it for months. They are both fine with their decision because they have been thinking it through for quite some time. A gf of mine is married, and she started talking about checking out of the relationship a couple of years ago. She recently just walked out on him, but she'd done the groundwork and come to terms with the consequences a long time ago. That crap is scary! Honestly you can't expect that person to be with you and stick by yourside. It does not matter how long you have been together 2 months 2 years 20 years no gurantee. Its a hard fact of life. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 That crap is scary! Honestly you can't expect that person to be with you and stick by yourside. It does not matter how long you have been together 2 months 2 years 20 years no gurantee. Its a hard fact of life. Well sad but true, agreed. My bf has been acting a bit distant of late, we had a rough period. I am already poised for a break up. I am starting to distance myself, I am starting to come to terms with leaving him. I feel like I have done all I can do and am now feeling like I might want to move on. I'm going through the motions in my own head (maybe he is too)- but neither of us has the balls to call it off. I feel like I am grieving right now, but we are still together. Link to post Share on other sites
DollyGirl12 Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 I think it depends on individual circumstances. I had no intentions of leaving my ex, I loved him very deeply. But when I saw that he was emailing personals on Craigslist and looking up escort services in his area I could not accept it. It hurt like hell, to be quite honest. So me, as the dumper, had been left with the feeling that he didn't have to same feelings that I believed he had, that he told me he had. We had actually been planning a future together, travel plans, and so on. Talk about blindsided!!! Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 Well sad but true, agreed. My bf has been acting a bit distant of late, we had a rough period. I am already poised for a break up. I am starting to distance myself, I am starting to come to terms with leaving him. I feel like I have done all I can do and am now feeling like I might want to move on. I'm going through the motions in my own head (maybe he is too)- but neither of us has the balls to call it off. I feel like I am grieving right now, but we are still together.((hugs)) No judgment, just sympathy. As far as dumpers not feeling anything, every break up as a dumper, I felt horrible but knew that to continue would only lead to more heartbreak. Link to post Share on other sites
Mixed28 Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 Well sad but true, agreed. My bf has been acting a bit distant of late, we had a rough period. I am already poised for a break up. I am starting to distance myself, I am starting to come to terms with leaving him. I feel like I have done all I can do and am now feeling like I might want to move on. I'm going through the motions in my own head (maybe he is too)- but neither of us has the balls to call it off. I feel like I am grieving right now, but we are still together. Honestly I was hellbent on finding the "one" during my time here in college seeing all these couples and my ex getting a new bf but now im like to hell with it. It is very unlikely I will find the right girl here or at all. So why worry and make an effort it is futile. I need to love only myself friends and family. Link to post Share on other sites
turokturok5 Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 the thing i didn't understand about my ex dumping me was why it hurt me so much. I could tell she didn't exactly want to be with me after a short time, but i had liked her for so long so i couldn't imagine being the one dumping her. I was actually pretty confident she was going to dump me the day i went to see her, in my head i had been saying for a while "why doesn't she just do it now to get it over with" and she did. So i don't exactly know why it hurt me so much...im thinking now that maybe it was an ego thing, or the fact that shes going after my best friend and i don't like the fact that she cried, begged me to stay at her house to "talk" so i did and we talked for 2 hours as if nothing had gone wrong and she said she really wanted to be good friends. Exept in 7 weeks she hasn't contacted me once and can't even get up the courage to say hello when she sees me. Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 I found it difficult to be the dumper. Not because I loved the guy in question - obviously I didn't, or I wouldn't have been dumping him - but because I'm a basically decent person who doesn't like hurting someone else. I hated having to upset someone (and in some cases, upset their extremely nice family who had treated me kindly), but I couldn't continue dating a man I didn't love just because I felt sorry for him and didn't want to hurt him. In terms of actually getting rid of the guy, I felt nothing but relief. Link to post Share on other sites
Movingthrough Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 (edited) Well sad but true, agreed. My bf has been acting a bit distant of late, we had a rough period. I am already poised for a break up. I am starting to distance myself, I am starting to come to terms with leaving him. I feel like I have done all I can do and am now feeling like I might want to move on. I'm going through the motions in my own head (maybe he is too)- but neither of us has the balls to call it off. I feel like I am grieving right now, but we are still together. This is the type of stuff i don't agree with though (no offense to D-Lish). I wish people would just cut it off. Like you said about your girlfriend who just walked out, i mean that guy is going to be devastated because she just leaves instead of bringing it up the minute she started to check out. I do think the guy should "know" whats going on, but i think someone not having the guts to break it off is usually the problem. A lot of my guy friends believe that the girl will stay in while dealing with it, then only leave when its best for them, or they have met someone else. I wish both parties would just be realistic with each other so as to avoid the "He/she just walked out on me". I think the dumpers feel it too, but it comes off as they don't care. My ex has contacted me every few months, but makes no effort, and would be very easy to say she doesn't care. Yet, she blocks me online when we werent friends there and i literally dont try and or talk to her ever. She is doing it in almost a pouting way because im not "all over her" trying to get her back, proof that they feel it more then we think. Point is, it always "seems" like they are OK but thats not usually the case. The problem is if they bring it up or say something about it, they know the dumpee will jump at the bait and want to be serious again, which is obviously not what the dumper wants. Edited March 23, 2011 by Movingthrough Link to post Share on other sites
Conchita Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 One thing I've noticed on these boards is that most people here are dumpees, and dumpees who have gone through a particularly heart-wrenching breakup. When I think back to my ex, if we had dated for 4-5 months and she dumped me and simply said "It's not working out," I probably would have been bummed out for awhile, but I wouldn't have been devastated. On this board, people are seeking support because they've been cheated on, been left for another person, or been blindsided in a particularly heartless and cruel way with little explanation. Which tells me that some of the dumpers that drive people to Love Shack are heartless and cruel people that probably lack empathy. I agree with you. A relationship should be totally honest. As soon as there are problems/things dont seem to work very well, there should be a dialogue. I understand that love isn't always forever, that people grows and evolves, etc, but it is possible to have a civilised and painless breakup. Link to post Share on other sites
Good Arms Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 Civilized, definitely, but not sure about painless. It must be extremely rare that both people just agree it isn't working. Usually, the dumper has thought about his or her decision long and hard before doing the dumping. That's why they seem like they are "emotionless". While the dumpee is unsuspecting, the dumper has already gone through the thought and grieving process. By the time they break up with you, they have come to terms with leaving you, and have already done all the grieving and processing. This certainly seemed to be the case for me. While I was an emotional wreck, my ex didn't shed a tear when she dumped me. She fell out with me/went cold on holiday, but she stayed out for a second week when I flew home (as was always the plan)... and she dumped me a week and a half later. I said that week and a half must have been horrible for her too, but she pretty much said she'd already been through her stage of being upset. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBennett Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 I found it difficult to be the dumper. Not because I loved the guy in question - obviously I didn't, or I wouldn't have been dumping him not true. I dumped my ex because I loved him too much. By that I mean I felt I loved him more than he loved me. I felt I wanted the relationship more. I was in it 100%. he wasnt. I had many many conversations with him about it (and I mean over years). It is not black and white. we've been broken up for a year now. a lot of stuff has gone down in that year and as much as I hate to admit it, I still do love him. being the dumper can also be devastating. just depends on the reasons for the relationship breakdown Link to post Share on other sites
turokturok5 Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 not true. I dumped my ex because I loved him too much. By that I mean I felt I loved him more than he loved me. I felt I wanted the relationship more. I was in it 100%. he wasnt. I had many many conversations with him about it (and I mean over years). It is not black and white. we've been broken up for a year now. a lot of stuff has gone down in that year and as much as I hate to admit it, I still do love him. being the dumper can also be devastating. just depends on the reasons for the relationship breakdown i agree with you here, exept in my case i couldn't end it because although she wasn't in it 100% and i could tell, i really thought it was just because i was her first boyfriend and she needed time to get comfortable with the whole thing, i was wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
DollyGirl12 Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 Honestly I was hellbent on finding the "one" during my time here in college seeing all these couples and my ex getting a new bf but now im like to hell with it. It is very unlikely I will find the right girl here or at all. So why worry and make an effort it is futile. I need to love only myself friends and family. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way at long as you don't completely shut yourself off with the idea of the "right one" at some point. It doesn't have to be now. Quite honestly learning to love yourself and make you own full, complete life will draw more positive people to you, as well as developing your own self confidence. My very best friend of many, many years did not find the right one until she was in her mid thirtees. She had serious relationships previous to that, some which she hurt when they ended, but she would never, ever settle. Even if she loved someone deeply, if they did anything to treat her with disrespect, or were not going in a positive direction, she ended things. She never seemed to have a negative intake of it all. She wasn't the type, like many of us (including me) that have questioned as to what was wrong with her, why didn't that person love me enough. She has always carried the attitude of "he wasn't the right one for me" and even "I wasn't the right one for him", without feeling bitterness. She finally met the man that she has now been married to for 13 years. They have the most wonderful relationship. Even still she comments that one lifetime with him will never be enough. And it isn't always fireworks and romance. They just relate wonderfully to each other in every single way. They have love, mutual respect and admiration for each other, and are each others best friends. That is what I strive for. Link to post Share on other sites
PowerOfOne Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 Great story DollyGirl Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 I know my ex didn't give a crap at all. He dumped me in the most cruelest way and I was completely devasted. Just dumped me like garbage, out of the blue. We never even had a conversation. He never contacted me to see if I was okay, even once. One year of my life spent with him for absolutely nothing. I'll never forgive him. Link to post Share on other sites
confusio Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 Same situation there, I can say for sure that the Dumper is hurting inside before the breakup. I know I have to break up but I can't eat, I have headache all the time, I have insomnia and I often feel nauseous. My gf, noticed it and asked me if I was depress and I clearly am. I invested a lot of my life in this relationship and I care about her. I also know for sure that she will find a quick rebound, and thinking about it hurt as well. Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 Its not cut and dry. No one who breaks up unless they are a total sociopath walks away unscathed and happy with their decision. Hit the nail on the head with me ex! Link to post Share on other sites
DollyGirl12 Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 I found it difficult to be the dumper. Not because I loved the guy in question - obviously I didn't, or I wouldn't have been dumping him - but because I'm a basically decent person who doesn't like hurting someone else. I hated having to upset someone (and in some cases, upset their extremely nice family who had treated me kindly), but I couldn't continue dating a man I didn't love just because I felt sorry for him and didn't want to hurt him. In terms of actually getting rid of the guy, I felt nothing but relief. I found the family part to be one of the hardest parts for me also, being the dumper. I felt just terrible when his sister told me that his mother was devastated and could not even talk to him (he becomes defensive). I guess no guy wants to tell his mother his gf left him because he was being a craigslist personals hound. I'm sure he told absolutely no one. Link to post Share on other sites
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