To my MM and his W, my ugly truth...

[findingnemo]

I had the same question reading the OP. Have empathy for the BS, because it seems you were very close to having the opposite roles....

 

I find it very difficult to understand what you love about this man. He's been cheating since before he was married. When was he a good guy?

 

You seem very intelligent and successful. You admit you don't even like the guy a lot of the time, but feel certain you love him. Him, or an idea of him? The "idealized" man you fell for in your youth? The way you feel when you are with him?

 

Is it love--or a rush? An addiction? A diversion? A fixation?

 

This isn't love as I know it.

 

What I know--you can only control you. You will never control what this MM or his BS do. And he is trouble for you. What are you going to do about it? Stir up drama? Or create peace for yourself? What oats do you want to sow? Choose wisely!

 

I love him for very many reasons. Unfortunately I'm posting to vent right now and dwelling on the nice stuff is kinda counter-productive. Maybe it's not the real him I love. I need to find out. I don't like him most of the time because I feel like he is a big problem in my life. I'm aggravated when we talk and aggravated when we don't talk.

 

Would the W have been the AP if instead he'd married me? I have no idea. Perhaps you think that he would have had women on the side anyway and that he is philandering by nature. I don't think so from what I know about him. But who's to say?

 

And that'd be very disrespectful and hypocritical, considering she was messing with her husband.

 

I agree.

[PorkRinds]

Perhaps you think that he would have had women on the side anyway and that he is philandering by nature.

 

 

Nah.

[findingnemo]

Restraining order or not, I do feel that the wife needs to know what kind of person she's dealing with. It seems Nemo has actually tried to keep the MM from trying the affair repeatedly, at this point the only way to get any type of peace for all parties is for the wife to be aware of the monster she is actually married to.

 

Although I tend to be more hateful towards OW and OM, I have to say that the MM in this picture is the devil, pure and simple. And the poor BS needs to know what kind of monster her husband actually is. That's really the only way for ANYONE to get any kind of peace in this situation, INCLUDING Nemo. Maybe then everyone can get closure for knowing and realizing who this MM really is.

 

I think I should post something to clear things up a bit. He can be devilish at times but he's no monster.

 

This is ironic to me. You need to see him where he is himself to see if this is a man you can like. BUT you have seen the real him, where he is himself. THIS IS WHO HE IS. I suspect this is something you already intuitively know.

 

There's not much I can say to deter you here. I hope you will see this with clarity before you've hurt yourself any further than you already have.

 

I'll post something more about him.

 

:bunny:HUG:bunny: Nemo don't know what to say. I am giving you a high five and a hug. The emotions you are feeling are making you burst inside and you can't take it any longer. I remember once telling my mother that she needs to stop saying everything that is on her mind. She has a very free mouth when she's angry or passionate about something. Her response to me was I can't keep it in. If I don't talk it's going to make me go crazy, I have to let it out. If you feel in your heart and soul that this is something you have to do or you'll burst. Just do it. I think what I am learnig here on the forum is everyone's love is different. The intense level of love or passion differs. I wish you the best in whatever road you choose to walk.

 

Thanks, Emme.

[Lorelei_Lane]

Didn't say she doesn't have a right to know, just that this OW will get in trouble if she does this.

Ah, that makes more sense then.

 

Well, if it comes down to it, anonymous is always the best option although it would be traced back to Nemo. It's a rough situation.

[xxoo]

Would the W have been the AP if instead he'd married me? I have no idea. Perhaps you think that he would have had women on the side anyway and that he is philandering by nature. I don't think so from what I know about him. But who's to say?

 

Not necessarily that he is a philanderer by nature....but that he doesn't want to chose between the two of you. He's had both of you before marriage. He married her, but still wanted you. If he had married you, would he not still want her?

 

He offered you the role of wife, but that doesn't mean that he wouldn't have kept her as the OW....had she been willing.

[findingnemo]

Perhaps you think that he would have had women on the side anyway and that he is philandering by nature.

 

 

Nah.

 

:laugh:

 

Ah, that makes more sense then.

 

Well, if it comes down to it, anonymous is always the best option although it would be traced back to Nemo. It's a rough situation.

 

LL, I doubt that she would want to use legal means to deal with me if I wrote her such as the Police or Court. It'd be a waste of time. I wouldn't put it past her to try a more direct approach that includes some serious bodily harm.

 

Not necessarily that he is a philanderer by nature....but that he doesn't want to chose between the two of you. He's had both of you before marriage. He married her, but still wanted you. If he had married you, would he not still want her?

 

He offered you the role of wife, but that doesn't mean that he wouldn't have kept her as the OW....had she been willing.

 

Can't argue with that.

[SidLyon]

2sure,

 

There will be no business with MM. My intention is to use it against him. Let me explain. I must register a new company here with both of us a equal share holders. In order to do that, certain documents must be signed by both of us and submitted. Then there is a 2 week waiting period and then one has to find premises and apply for tin numbers, etc. It is a process. I will go through the motions and let him think he's got me.

 

Oh..MM loves me AND he loves his W. Of that I'm certain. The problem is that he loves himself a lot more than he loves any of us.

 

 

 

Hi freestyle,

 

Nope. Absolutely not the person I want to do business with married or not.

 

Obviously I don't know what country you are in, but many countries have laws (including laws/rules not in written legislation) against unconscionable, misleading or deceptive conduct and absence of good faith in negotiations.

 

Be careful you don't expose yourself or ruin your own business reputation.

Edited March 24, 2011 by SidLyon

[Happy Finally]

This is ironic to me. You need to see him where he is himself to see if this is a man you can like. BUT you have seen the real him, where he is himself. THIS IS WHO HE IS. I suspect this is something you already intuitively know.

 

There's not much I can say to deter you here. I hope you will see this with clarity before you've hurt yourself any further than you already have.

 

 

I find it interesting that people think that all cheaters/WS are in fact that cheaters. I know it sounds like an oxymoron to say that, someone venturing outside of a relationship is a cheater but that does not mean that person is a cheater by nature.

 

Humans are very finicky creatures and life events will push people to do things they would normally not do, such as have an A. People never know what they will do when certain circumstances confront them until they actually do. People can preach all day long on what they think they will do but until the situation arises..you truly don't know.

 

I can understand Nemo's position of wanting to see who he really is as a person. This man is treating Nemo as a shark and keeps putting blood in the water. When she is about to give up and swim away, he throws more in the water. Why? I think that is what Nemo needs to find out. Is this man just looking for away out of his marriage and is to cowardly to do it (it is hard to pull out of something even if you have slight feelings) or is he just enjoying the game and attention of two woman? I think it would be different if his wife was pushing him away and he was turning to Nemo for that missing part but from what Nemo says..he is getting it from both places. I would want to know too.

[Got it]

Nemo,

 

It seems you are trying to make him accountable for holding you accountable to not engaging anymore in the relationship. Why? Why do you feel you are not able to do this?

 

You are now putting your financial future tied with a very unreliable and untrustworthy partner. Stop thinking with your emotions and be practical. Who cares that he wants to do this? If he jumped off a bridge and wanted you to do it with him, would you?

 

I understand your venting and you are upset but looking beyond your words you need to focus on your actions. Your actions are showing him you are accepting of all of his behaviour and desires. What about you? You need to be your own advocate. You can't make him love and respect you. You can't make him treat you better. No matter how accomandating you are, that isn't going to make him behave any differently.

 

My strong advice, do not intergrate yourself into his life any more than it is. And do not tell the wife unless you have truly thought out all possible outcomes of that. I am not going to debate whether or not she should know, if you should be the one to tell her, etc but if you do think and strategize about the possible negative outcome for you and minimize FIRST the best you can. And not forming a partnership with him would be the first step.

 

He is telling you he is fine with you being his OW. He is fine with creating a mess but how is he going to handle with everything hits the fan? Do you think he is going to look out for you at all? You have to look out for you.

 

Also all of this speculation on him, his power over you, him being a shark, a monster, etc is just allotting him far too much power. Nemo, you control you and you control how you accept others treating you. If he crosses boundaries then it is your responsiblity to recognize the boundary and enforce it.

Edited March 24, 2011 by Got it

[greengoddess]

Nemo is this man much older than you or are you close in age?

 

 

I hate this guy. I seriously do. and I see you starting to defend him.

 

Nemo there is no excuse for entering a marriage while having an affair with another. There is no excuse for keeping you hanging on for years and years and years. He is a dick.

[findingnemo]

Obviously I don't know what country you are in, but many countries have laws (including laws/rules not in written legislation) against unconscionable, misleading or deceptive conduct and absence of good faith in negotiations.

 

Be careful you don't expose yourself or ruin your own business reputation.

 

I will. Thanks.

 

I find it interesting that people think that all cheaters/WS are in fact that cheaters. I know it sounds like an oxymoron to say that, someone venturing outside of a relationship is a cheater but that does not mean that person is a cheater by nature.

 

Humans are very finicky creatures and life events will push people to do things they would normally not do, such as have an A. People never know what they will do when certain circumstances confront them until they actually do. People can preach all day long on what they think they will do but until the situation arises..you truly don't know.

 

I can understand Nemo's position of wanting to see who he really is as a person. This man is treating Nemo as a shark and keeps putting blood in the water. When she is about to give up and swim away, he throws more in the water. Why? I think that is what Nemo needs to find out. Is this man just looking for away out of his marriage and is to cowardly to do it (it is hard to pull out of something even if you have slight feelings) or is he just enjoying the game and attention of two woman? I think it would be different if his wife was pushing him away and he was turning to Nemo for that missing part but from what Nemo says..he is getting it from both places. I would want to know too.

 

Clap, clap!!!!:bunny:

 

Nemo,

 

It seems you are trying to make him accountable for holding you accountable to not engaging anymore in the relationship. Why? Why do you feel you are not able to do this?

 

You are now putting your financial future tied with a very unreliable and untrustworthy partner. Stop thinking with your emotions and be practical. Who cares that he wants to do this? If he jumped off a bridge and wanted you to do it with him, would you?

 

I understand your venting and you are upset but looking beyond your words you need to focus on your actions. Your actions are showing him you are accepting of all of his behaviour and desires. What about you? You need to be your own advocate. You can't make him love and respect you. You can't make him treat you better. No matter how accomandating you are, that isn't going to make him behave any differently.

 

My strong advice, do not intergrate yourself into his life any more than it is. And do not tell the wife unless you have truly thought out all possible outcomes of that. I am not going to debate whether or not she should know, if you should be the one to tell her, etc but if you do think and strategize about the possible negative outcome for you and minimize FIRST the best you can. And not forming a partnership with him would be the first step.

 

He is telling you he is fine with you being his OW. He is fine with creating a mess but how is he going to handle with everything hits the fan? Do you think he is going to look out for you at all? You have to look out for you.

 

Also all of this speculation on him, his power over you, him being a shark, a monster, etc is just allotting him far too much power. Nemo, you control you and you control how you accept others treating you. If he crosses boundaries then it is your responsiblity to recognize the boundary and enforce it.

 

No, Got it. I am resetting boundaries and looking out for me. There'll be no jointly owned - business.

 

Nemo is this man much older than you or are you close in age?

 

 

I hate this guy. I seriously do. and I see you starting to defend him.

 

Nemo there is no excuse for entering a marriage while having an affair with another. There is no excuse for keeping you hanging on for years and years and years. He is a dick.

 

Oh, he's 11 years older than me. I am 36 by the way.

 

Don't hate him, GG. He is a dick but not anymore than most people. I defend him because there are reasons to. I better post that background now.

[greengoddess]

I will. Thanks.

 

 

 

Clap, clap!!!!:bunny:

 

 

 

No, Got it. I am resetting boundaries and looking out for me. There'll be no jointly owned - business.

 

 

 

Oh, he's 11 years older than me. I am 36 by the way.

 

Don't hate him, GG. He is a dick but not anymore than most people. I defend him because there are reasons to. I better post that background now.

 

 

Now I hate him even more. So when you were a young naive college student this 34 year old man at the time, stole your youth.:mad: He played with you. He toued with you. Sorry I hate him. You better have a lot of redeeming qualities you are about to post.

[bentnotbroken]

I find it interesting that people think that all cheaters/WS are in fact that cheaters. I know it sounds like an oxymoron to say that, someone venturing outside of a relationship is a cheater but that does not mean that person is a cheater by nature.

 

Humans are very finicky creatures and life events will push people to do things they would normally not do, such as have an A. People never know what they will do when certain circumstances confront them until they actually do. People can preach all day long on what they think they will do but until the situation arises..you truly don't know.

 

I can understand Nemo's position of wanting to see who he really is as a person. This man is treating Nemo as a shark and keeps putting blood in the water. When she is about to give up and swim away, he throws more in the water. Why? I think that is what Nemo needs to find out. Is this man just looking for away out of his marriage and is to cowardly to do it (it is hard to pull out of something even if you have slight feelings) or is he just enjoying the game and attention of two woman? I think it would be different if his wife was pushing him away and he was turning to Nemo for that missing part but from what Nemo says..he is getting it from both places. I would want to know too.

 

 

It always amazes me that people actually make the assumption that people who don't cheat or who stand against affairs, have never been faced with the situation, the temptation of affairs. We are human. Part of being human is being faced with temptation. It is a silly assumption at best and at worst if denies a part of our humanity. I don't have to actually have engaged in all the steps that lead to an affair to know what it is to want to be loved, cared for, respected and supported. So yes, I do truly know what I would do, just as many others know. They have been faced with the temptation.

[Got it]

I think after all this time Nemo has all the answers she wants as long as she opens her eyes to them. He has shown her who he is.

 

Now Nemo may continue to want to walk this road, trying to get answers to questions she already has because she is looking for different answers, but everything is right there.

 

Nemo, you can accept who he is, for who he is, take the good and the bad and go from there, or walk away. But what I think you need to work on is acceptance. Accepting who he is, who you are, and what is the best situation for you BASED on this information. No more wishing, hoping and waiting he will change.

[findingnemo]

I'm still trying to write something explaining why I love MM and how he's not the devil but...I keep deleting what I write. It all seems so pointless.

 

There's a movie I watched a few years ago. I can't remember it's name. This woman was running for her life from a killer. She ran and ran and ran along a dark rural highway. There was no help in sight, not a house, no cars, nada. She started to get tired. I swear you could see her consider stopping, giving up. She needed to catch her breath and was in pain...but if she stopped she'd die. She kept running for a while. Eventually she gave up and stopped. As she took huge gulps of fresh air, the killer caught up with her and killed her. I'm not impressionable normally (and I hate those cheapo horror movies too) but the whole thing struck me as familiar and that movie clip goes through my mind often. I feel like I've been fighting an endless war, running from something for so long and I'm tired and out of breath...I need to stop, need to breathe. I need to bring this thing to an end even if it hurts like hell. At least it'll be the last time.:sick:

[greengoddess]

I'm still trying to write something explaining why I love MM and how he's not the devil but...I keep deleting what I write. It all seems so pointless.

 

There's a movie I watched a few years ago. I can't remember it's name. This woman was running for her life from a killer. She ran and ran and ran along a dark rural highway. There was no help in sight, not a house, no cars, nada. She started to get tired. I swear you could see her consider stopping, giving up. She needed to catch her breath and was in pain...but if she stopped she'd die. She kept running for a while. Eventually she gave up and stopped. As she took huge gulps of fresh air, the killer caught up with her and killed her. I'm not impressionable normally (and I hate those cheapo horror movies too) but the whole thing struck me as familiar and that movie clip goes through my mind often. I feel like I've been fighting an endless war, running from something for so long and I'm tired and out of breath...I need to stop, need to breathe. I need to bring this thing to an end even if it hurts like hell. At least it'll be the last time.:sick:

 

I'm sorry. I really hope you feel a sense of relief when this comes to it's conclusion.

[SidLyon]

...There's a movie I watched a few years ago. I can't remember it's name. This woman was running for her life from a killer. She ran and ran and ran along a dark rural highway. There was no help in sight, not a house, no cars, nada. She started to get tired. I swear you could see her consider stopping, giving up. She needed to catch her breath and was in pain...but if she stopped she'd die. She kept running for a while. Eventually she gave up and stopped. As she took huge gulps of fresh air, the killer caught up with her and killed her. ...:sick:

 

Wolf Creek?

[xxoo]

I feel like I've been fighting an endless war, running from something for so long and I'm tired and out of breath...I need to stop, need to breathe. I need to bring this thing to an end even if it hurts like hell. At least it'll be the last time.:sick:

 

But what are you running from? There is no monster chasing you. If anything, your efforts are feeding the monster.

 

Nemo, this is ugly. Can you imagine how different your truth would be if you spent this much effort fostering beauty and peace in your life, and completely shut out the person who is sucking the life from you?

 

I suggested that, if things had gone differently, you might have been his wife--and she might have been his OW.....if she were willing. Why are you willing?