Need a little help with my current situation with gf . . .

[Mjfru]

Hi,

 

My girlfriend and I have been going out for like 2.5yrs now and well I had already made a post describing what had happened about a month ago.

 

But anyway we are now at this point where we seem to be happy with each other again on the outside, but on the inside I feel like the relationship is gone. Her mother had grounded her like 2 weeks ago and the only time I get to see her lately is if I am sneaky and stuff. WE NEVER GET TO HAVE A WHOLE DAY TOGETHER ANYMORE!! Worse yet it seems like she is getting annoyed with how often I ask her if I can see her yet, on the phone. She says that every conversation we've had on the phone together has to be me talking about whether or not I will get to see her again, and I feel like maybe I am being a little annoying. I call her constantly and that is about all I talk about (seeing her again). I have a feeling that by next week I will be able to see her again because she said that it will probably happen next week, but I am still unsure of what I should do until then?

 

Dealing with this whole not seeing her thing is really hurting me and I am confused about how much she really misses me too. She says she does, but for some reason a voice in my head keeps telling me to keep talking about missing her because she really doesn't miss me.

 

I saw her today for a brief moment at her high school (I go to college so . . . ) and she seemed really happy to see me. The first time I've seen her in like 2 weeks!!! It was great!!! But here's the thing. . . I tried to think of a plan to help us out. I feel that in my heart she truly does miss me and love me alot, but she just doesn't show emotion well (believe me I know her she doesn't). Anyway I had two ideas, one was to try to not call her at all until next week, this way I can eliminate the fact of me being annoying to her and if she wanted to call me than she still could (if she calls me that means that she actually wants to talk so . . .). My second plan was to still call her and all except try my best not to talk about missing her so much and just be happy on the phone and talk about happy things like we used to. The only catch was that I told her the first one . . . I said, "Listen honey, you have to call me because I know that you are getting annoyed when I call you." She responded, "Ok I will call you if I get time." She is very busy usually but . . .? Anyway I don't know which one to try. I mean we were really happy to see each other, so the only reason our relationship is shaky right now seems to be because we never see each other. And it isn't even like a long distance relationship. I live right down the road from her!

 

I know this was long and thank you for reading it and please give me a response. Your responses will surely help me!!!

[Velveteel]

Back way off! Any time you beg to see someone and repeatedly talk about it when she's not doing the same thing, you're showing neediness more than love. You could sense that she was annoyed with you, and when you suggested that you might just wait for her to call you this, she agreed, and said she would IF SHE CAN FIND THE TIME. She is getting a little tired of you. You miss her, yes, but she might not really have a chance to miss you back, since you are calling so often and pleading to see her.

 

You've just gotten two or three big cues from her. Pay attention to them. It means that you're really paying attention to her, and not just to your own feelings of longing.

 

I think you should stick to your plan. Don't call until you hear from her.

 

And when she does call, be sweet, but stop pestering her about getting together, and stop telling her you miss her. Wait until you hear a little of that from her, instead. Think of it like tennis. If you're the one sending all the balls over the net, it isn't a game anymore, is it? It's more like dodge ball.

 

Wait and watch and take care of yourself. Have a great time when you're not with her, and you'll look much more independent and attractive.

 

Good luck!

[Mjfru]

Hey thanks Velveteel!!

 

Sounds like a good idea not to call her. She will probably begin to miss me again if I just leave her alone for a little and essentially "let her send the tennis ball back to me". I like the whole theory with the tennis ball lol! Anyway if I don't call her until next week, when I get to see her, and have her call me (meaning when she calls me that means that she actually wants to talk to me), and when she calls I don't talk about missing her it might work out well.

 

Now I just have one more question though . . . what if I still did call her, but didn't bring up missing her? That is like half the plan and I'm unsure how it would work, but if someone could help me out with that that would be great!!!

[Mjfru]

Yeah,

I choked and ended up calling her today. This really sucks. I shouldn't have done that because now we ended up arguing about me telling her that I won't call but I did anyway, and she said that my plans never work. So she figures I'm going to still call her and we are going to continue to have the talk about "fixing the relationship" till like the end of time. She thinks that my plans aren't going to work and I feel like I am definetaly going to lose her unless I really stop calling her. When we were on the phone, I hung up on her too and everytime I try to call back she doesn't pick up the phone now. I don't know if I should just let it be and not call her (which is the plan) and to wait for her to call me, or keep trying to call back. Obviously I don't want to continue to call back, bc that is the problem, but I don't know how to deal with waiting for her to call me. Whenever I try to occupy myself, she always pops into my mind and it is so hard not to call her. I don't know what to do . . . ? She said that she still loves me and everything, but if I don't call her and wait for her to call me will it really help us? I'm just nervous that she won't call me.

Oh well . . .

[Velveteel]

I'm sorry you had this experience. I think you probably knew better, but you called anyway, and ended up arguing. It's okay. Just DON'T CALL HER BACK! Let it go. She'll call you eventually.

 

I mean it. Don't call. You've got to show some impulse control. When she says that your plans never work out, she's talking about things like this. Show her you can control yourself! You sound very young, both of you, but the only way to mature is to learn to control your emotions and your behavior. Yes, it hurts to be in the middle of an argument with her and have no contact. Yes, it hurts to wonder if she'll just never call you back. You just have to sit with these feelings. Tell yourself it's okay to be anxious and upset.

 

Almost always, people cool off, and get back in touch with each other. Take a long-term approach here. You're a dependable man, and you've treated her well. You love each other! Somehow, some way, it will work out best for both of you. Remind yourself of this every time you find yourself reaching for that phone. Because if you panic and take the short-term approach, it won't look good. And you could lose her.

 

I know this is a hard lesson, but it's the only way to achieve anything important. Good luck!

[Mjfru]

Hey thanks again Velveteel!!!

 

I didn't call her at all today and mostly it was out of fear that if I did I could lose our special something. So instead I waited and hopefully she will call me and things will be cool. Actually she did pick up the phone one of the times that

I was trying to call back. She said that she hadn't picked up the phone because she was talking to her friend on the other line. So I told her to promise me that she would call me when she could and she said that she would. So if I just be patient I should be able to hear from her. I'm going to hopefully FINALLY get to see her on Tuesday! It has been like a couple of months since we have had any good days together. So I'm hoping her mother will finally let her see me then and we can have a wonderful day and start seeing each other again! But I just have to wait until Tuesday to hear about it or maybe she will call me sooner, I hope she calls me sooner lol.

 

Anyway does anyone have any good ideas of things that I could do for her on Tuesday to make her in a sense re-fall in love with me? I know that there may be no real good answer for that, but basically what should I do with her and how should I act around her when she does call me back and when and if I do see her Tuesday? Please someone give me a post with some info. Thanks!

[uriel]

Stop acting so desperate! On Tuesday, just be cool. Hang out, don't fawn over her, be nice, and do something fun. Take the pressure way, way off. Let her initiate physical contact. Don't talk about "the relationship." Talk about what's been going on in your life at school. Ask about hers. Make it a date rather than a gut-searching emotional marathon.

 

It's an unwritten rule, but when someone smells desperation, their emotional response goes down. They tend to reduce their sense of the other person's value.

 

I'm not saying play hard to get. The relationship's obviously gone too far for that kind of thing. But do show that you're a stable person with your own life / interests -- one who cares about her but isn't making her the end all and be all of his existence. That's too much pressure for anyone.

 

Remember, where there's smothering, there are no sparks.

 

-- uriel

[Mjfru]

Hey thanks Uriel!

 

I really like your last line there, "where there is smothering there is not sparks". That seems to sum everything up really well. I am learning to just lay back, relax, and let her come to me rather than me always chasing her and it is starting to work. If I see her Tuesday (which I hope her Mom will let her be un-grounded by then) I will definetaly try to act as my cool, happy, normal self that used to have all sorts of fun with her. I may just be blowing up the entire situation way out of proportion, because everytime we talk it seems as if she is happy until I bring up "fixing us" when in reality there probably isn't anything to fix (except not getting to see each other, but that is because she is grounded so . . . ) but I will probably see her Tuesday so it should be just like the good old times. And if I back off and let her call me, than when she calls me that means that she actually wants to talk to me so that should work out well.

 

But if anyone else would like to posts me on more ideas of some things we could have fun doing together or any help from before feel free . . . although I think that we'll be ok soon

[Mjfru]

Hi,

 

Yeah I thought that everything would turn out for the best, but she still hasn't called me. I haven't had any communication with her in 3 days and I am really starting to miss her and worry alot. Not only that, but I was going to hopefully see her tomorrow so I had really wished she was going to call to tell me if we could hang out or not. I feel like junk . . . and I don't know what to think or do. I know that I probably still shouldn't call her, so that way I give her enough space, but I feel like if I don't call her soon she won't ever call me I know I'm not supposed to think this was because we still love each other and in the end love always prevails, but I don't know what to do. I'm going crazy with the thought of this one guy and her hooking up, because I think that she has feelings for this guy, but I am unsure (she probably doesn't, but I really don't know what to think). I know that she wouldn't cheat on me but still . . . I'm still very worried. My sister told me that she would talk to my gf about tomorrow and see if her mom let her be un-grounded, but I bet anything it is a no, or she may be lying to get more space away from me or something. Dammit!!!!! I don't know what I am saying, I think I am just thinking bad things that won't actually happen, but nothing matters right now except seeing her!!!

 

Please someone help me out and give me some good advice, I need her . . .

[uriel]

You're supposed to hang out with her -- pre-arranged date. So, you can call her on the day and ask if she's able and willing to go out. If she's not able, then let her know that's okay, you understand. It might be an excuse, of course. So, let her know the next move is hers: you'll be happy to go out again when she can.

 

If she's not willing, ask her to explain why. Let her talk -- don't interrupt, complain, beg, moan. If it's bad news, say you're sorry to hear it, you care about her, and hope she'll change her mind. Tell her you'll hope to hear from her when she does.

 

Again, no pressure. Your emotional neediness is the problem. The more you think you're likely to lose her, the more you're inclined to cling.

 

If a woman loves you, she won't hook up with other guys and she'll want to be with you. If she doesn't, no amount of pressuring and contacting is going to turn her around. If she's on the fence, it will definitely turn her off.

 

The point of letting there be some space isn't to play games; it's to help you and her both see whether the relationship is working. If you're always the initiator, you are guilting and pressing her into interacting. If she wants that interaction, she will seek it out. I've never known a woman to /avoid/ a man with whom she was in love. That's not the way we work!

 

True love can conquer all if both people feel it. But, love's not permanent or some starry night. It's about a caring, working relationship between two people. Both of them have to have their hearts in it for things to work out. Let her think about what she's missing by making your life full, interesting, and satisfying on its own. When you are together, bring that person to the table -- not the weak, fragile, clingy being we all become when we are desperate for someone's love and approval.

 

--uriel

[Mjfru]

Well thanks Uriel,

 

But I think the main reason she didn't call me yesterday, today, or Saturday was because she was really busy all of those days. I'm unsure if she would really have time to talk to me considering the amound of stuff she has been up to the last couple days. But nonetheless I'm worried because she could've called to tell me if we could hang out tomorrow or if she was still grounded. She could've at least picked up the phone and called for a second. But anyway so you think I should call her tomorrow to make sure we are hanging out or not, and if she can't understand why, if she doesn't want to let her explain why, and no matter what don't get mad during this whole conversation. And if we can go out tommorow, don't bring up any problems at all and have a completely good time with her. I'm unsure of that though . . . I mean if I'm finally going to get to sit down with her one on one, I think that maybe we should try to let it all out and see if we could really fix the problem? Although, I know that she probably doesn't want to see me to try to fix something that she doesn't think is wrong, I still feel very, very left out of her life lately.

 

Alright this is what had happened like 3 to 4 weeks ago. We had taken a little break away from each other and decided it would be ok to flirt, kiss, and even make out with other people (and we both agreed on this). Anyway she made out with a guy which was part of the rules and stuff, but it still hurt me extremely bad. So I called off the break and got really mad at her. Anyway, the week after the break was over, we got to hang out one day, but she was all depressed about our relationship and wouldn't talk about it, not only that but she was extremely tired all day long. So the day after she got grounded. She has been grounded ever since, so that is why I have called constantly. I miss her so badly and am very worried that she really doesn't miss me as much. I am also worried that maybe she has feelings for the guy she made out with, and that has been why she is trying to get away from me so much. She has told me so many times though that she was really sorry for what she did with him and that they are definetaly only friends. But my concience keeps on messing with me and I don't know what to think. She said that she loves me still and wants things to just be happy between us again, but I just don't get how she could be getting smothered by me. Sure I called alot, but I missed her. She said that all I did was talk to her everyday and the only thing that I talked about was how much I missed her. So I told her to call me instead hoping that she would actually want to talk if she called me. But she hasn't called me yet and I am getting worried because I am suppose to see her tomorrow (hopefully but she said that the chances are good). Not only that but she is going away next week and I won't get to talk or see her then as well, and I really don't know how she feels about me because she is a person that keeps alot of emotion hidden. Well . . . . this is the background of everything so . . .

 

It's just we were so happy a few months ago

and she feels like nothing is wrong

but I do

is my concience just messing with me?

or is there really something wrong?

I just want to be happy with her again . . .

just want to go back to the good old days with her . . .

I really really miss her . . .

I will do anything to get her back

and I know that she still wants things to work and she still loves me . . .

Anyway someone please give me a response to all of this.

It will surely be appreciated

Thanks

[Mjfru]

Hi again,

 

I'm sorry about leaving a really long post there I just am really confused so if anyone has suggestions for me, please skim through the last post and help me out. Thanks

[Mjfru]

Well,

 

Now me and my girl are talking and I can call her without her getting mad and stuff, but her mom didn't let me see her today and she doesn't seem too annoyed that I called her. But the problem is that I am still fighting about the fact that she did what she did to me. That is the same fight we have had ever since the break ended. I need some help from people in how to forgive and forget . . . if I don't learn how I may end up losing her . . .

[uriel]

You've already said she had permission to make out with someone else -- as you did. So, it's not about an act of betrayal. It's that you are now very insecure. Perhaps you thought she wouldn't or couldn't be attracted to someone else -- even if only on a physical level.

 

Think of it this way -- Is that true of you? Do other girls not turn you on? If you'd kissed a hot girl during the break-up period, would that mean your feelings for your girlfriend were diminished?

 

That seems an unrealistic standard to hold anyone to. We all have the potential to be attracted to lots of people. We don't necessarily love them all -- or even feel a real click of personalities with them. But, make out sessions are often more about animal passion than anything more.

 

Put what happened in perspective as far as what she did goes. Then ask yourself why you don't think you're enough to hold her attention / interest / affection. This worry you have is more about your self-esteem than it is about her potentially wandering eye.

 

-- uriel

[Mjfru]

I really think you made a wonderful point about telling me that if I were to make out with someone would I still have feelings for her, and that answer is obviously yes. So that was actually probably the number one most important thing anyone has ever told me with our whole situation . . . THANK YOU URIEL!!! That one piece of information really allows me to think that maybe what she did was as you say "animal passion" and she isn't lying by saying that it didn't really mean anything. Thank you so much Uriel!!!! That makes perfect sense. I think if I start having some self-confidence in myself about the relationship than maybe I won't be so clingy to her and maybe I'll stop talking about what she did all the time and getting all mad at her for it. I talked to her tonight and I may get to see her on the day that she is going to go away. She'll only be gone for a week so that isn't so bad, and I may get a date with her and get to hang out with her that day too!! Actually I may even get to hang out with her tomorrow (but it really depends on what I am doing). When I talked to her on the phone tonight I didn't bring up anything to do with relationship problems or anything like that and she seemed really happy to talk to me and we acted like our happy old selves on the phone.

 

I just have to have faith that our love will prevail and things will turn out really good in our relationship, and I have to stop bringing up what she did to me and think to myself that if I did it I wouldn't want her to be doing this to me. Thanks again Uriel!!! I'll post if anything new happens . . .

[Mjfru]

Alright,

 

We seem to be really happy now. We haven't argued about what she did or even about missing each other in a few days. But there seems to be something still that is kinda of iffy.

 

I saw her last night (Yes lol) and we watched a movie and everything seemed fine. I just keep thinking that maybe she doesn't really need me in her life though. I keep thinking that she wants out of the relationship, but is too scared to really tell me, because she doesn't want to hurt me. She tells me that she still loves me, but sometimes I think that she is also saying that in order to make sure that I don't get hurt. But on the other hand if she is trying to prevent me from getting hurt then she must care about me a little, in which means that she probably does love me . . . ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I don't know. My mind tells me that she wants out, but my heart says to just drop everything and just try to stay happy with her and never bring up problems. My heart keeps telling me that I just have to trust that she is telling me the truth and that we will be happy again if I stop getting all worked up over everything. I may get to see her for like an hour tonight and I have set up 11 BIG questions that have been on my mind about her, but I don't know if I really should ask her any of them or assume the answers for myself.

 

The biggest question I was going to ask was "Why do you love me (what is it about me that you love)"? I felt that this would prove to myself that there are things about me that she must love and that she really does want me. Another really important one was "Do the positive things in our relationship outweigh the negative things?" If she says yes than that means that our relationship is worth it to continue on, if she says no than that means all I am is a load of stress for her.

 

I was hoping if someone could please tell me if I should voice these two and maybe some of the other questions tonight, or if I should keep them to myself? Thanks

[princess rose]

Mjfru:

 

The desperation in your posts concerns me. I know nowadays, everyone is jumping on the medication and counseling bandwagon for every little problem in life, but in your case, I highly recommend it. It's obvious your self-esteem is dangerously low, and it seems to me you feel you need this girl to validate you. Please get help for yourself to get out of this rut. Good luck.