gbot Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 Hi all. I posted a while back about my situation and divorce, so rather than repost that long story, check my other thread. But the short version is, wife cheated on me with an former boyfriend, we divorced. I'm not sure if this is in my previous post, but I remarried her several months later, and I admit, I remarried her because of my little girl, not because I wanted to be with my wife. Honestly, at the point we remarried, I had made significant progress toward putting it all behind me and rebooting my life, but I think she sensed that I was moving on, and she wooed me back, and I jumped on the opportunity to have my daughter under my roof again. Fast forward to the present, we've now been married two more years, and we have another child, 6 months old. My problem is, I am completely unhappy, perhaps more unhappy than I've ever been in my life. My only joy comes from my two children, but otherwise, I hate driving home every day, I hate it when she says she loves me because I do not want to say it back to her. I hate it when she kisses me. I hate it when she hugs me. Whereas I used to love her, that love has gone, and there's just nothing there. In my heart, I have no feelings for her. I can't forgive her for what she did; during her affair, she told a mutual friend that the OM "rocked her world all night" and those words got back to me, and ring in my ears. When we remarried, she told me she revealed everything, but she didn't. I didn't know at the time that she had an extensive sexual relationship with the OM in her youth. I had no idea about that, and that has also changed my thinking, so much so that I hate seeing pictures of her from that era; they make me feel sick to my stomach. There's no goodness in her that I can see anymore. I'm just faking all of it. So, what would you do? You know in your heart that the love is gone, that the relationship is over. You know that it is highly doubtful that those feelings can be rekindled, that you could ever forgive her. You feel like your true soul mate is still out there. Yet, you love your young children and you want to parent them, and the idea of them being outside of your protection is horrible. What would you do? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 Did you and your wife ever do marriage counselling? Does your wife know how you felt/feel about your past affair? And how it's affecting you? Now, because you have TWO kids, you owe it to them to work WITH your wife to give this your best. Come clean, put it all out on the table, how you feel and why. Go from there. You need to do this to try to fix this, settle it once and for all or cut bait. By atleast trying to do something first before throwing in the towel. If it doesn't work after that, then walk away and figure out custody etc.. Until then, TALK to your wife. You re married her, had another child with her. So all this changed in 6 months? How recenly did she tell that friend about OM? Sounds more like you've been triggered and it's set off alot of emotion inside of you, rightfullly so. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 Get counselling or a MC... definitely an IC for sure. I dunno if the problem is as much on her end now as yours. Your trust was beaten and broken. I'm not condoning what she did one bit but by you remarrying her you knew what you were getting into. Link to post Share on other sites
PorkRinds Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 during her affair, she told a mutual friend that the OM "rocked her world all night" and those words got back to me, and ring in my ears Take anything a cheater says with a huge grain of salt. Even something like this. Especially something like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gbot Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 no doubt the problem is on my end. I don't love her anymore. Does love come back? Does this ever get better? It has been two years, and I feel no better; not at all. I feel worse. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 You remarried thinking that alone would solve the marriage problems. You never had resolution or repair from her infidelity. But since you took her back it is as though you do not have a right to be annoyed with her behavior. Plus, you added yet another kid to the mix. Nice little box you've gotten yourself into. There is a saying. When you're in a hole, stop digging. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gbot Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 michaelangelo, I hear you, though I'm not exactly sure what would constitute stopping digging in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Ouch. What a sad story. Nobody can tell you what to do. First get that straight. Telling you to divorce is nobody's job here, nor telling you to stay. I do think though, that divorcing her again is the right answer, IF, and only if, you tell her all your feelings, you try marriage counseling, you go to individual counseling, and still you can't work past your resentment. To stay under those conditions would be cheating you both of the chance of a happier relationship. Since you've married her twice you must have believed in that love somewhat. If you married her again only to get your daughter under your roof as you say, what makes you think having two children not under your roof anymore is going to make you feel better after that didn't work with one child? See, that part makes no sense--that you would remarry her to raise your daughter, then divorce her a second time and not have both children "under your roof" as you put it. I also need you need to consider just how important your haunting visual of her having sex with another man is. Seems to me that having a second child with her, you the father of both, might erase that. Just why do you place such importance on that imagery? I'm not looking for an answer to that question. I think it's a question you need to ask and answer to yourself. Those are the type of questions you can explore in therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 What have you done to try and rebuild the lost trust, and all the other issues which arrise out of an A? Have you and your W tried MC and IC? I can tell you that without both, I would have D's my FWW. If you haven't tried couseling, you may want to give it a shot. If it doesn't, then at least you can go out saying you gave it your best shot. Link to post Share on other sites
Karma24 Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 What would you do? Not have any more children. Link to post Share on other sites
Hazel_eyes Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 I agree that counseling is a must. You need to pour your everything into fixing this, and being open and honest. If not for yourself or your wife then for your children. You would be putting your oldest through two divorces. How will that affect her emotionally? If I were you I wouldn't want that unless I knew I did everything to prevent it beforehand. You yourself said that after the divorce your wife wooed you back. But then you say that you came back for the kids. To me it sounds like you are angry, and that anger is confusing your emotions (not saying you don't have a right to feel anger). However, you remarried her and made a commitment. I personally think you can love her again. Like I said I think your anger is clouding the loving feeling. It's hard to feel adoring when betrayal is standing right next to it. I, personally, especially have hope since with the fluctuation of how you feel. You being angry isn't wrong, but you holding onto the anger is. You deserve to heal, your relationship deserves it since you have both decided to make it work, and your children deserve your healing. I have been told from several elderly women, one of which survived an infidelity, that marriages face good times and downright crappy times, and that love isn't always a fluttery, happy feeling. Sometimes things are hard, and you have to work and push to fight for each other. It is during those times that love is a choice, not necessarily a feeling. But that when those bad times are conquered the feeling comes back and usually the relationship is stronger for it. I've clung to this advice during the hard times, and although I've only been married a few years have already found it to be true. Does your wife have any idea that you feel this way? Does she have any clue how her betrayal made you feel? Do you know how it makes her feel, if she carries guilt and trying hard to prove her love? Or does she not think what she did was so bad? Or is this the white elephant in the room so to speak that no one mentions? My husband has never cheated on me, but he did lie about his physical relationships from before me. I purposefully saved my virginity for him. This made him feel ashamed because he said he wished he did the same for me, and he lied because of that. It hurt. But I've since healed from it, and it helped to heal knowing the heart behind his lie. It was a lie driven from shame and a fear of hurting me. Perhaps the same sort of disclosure with a counselor will help you and your wife. She may have lied about her sexual relationship with the guy (not the affair, but the one before she met you) because of similar reasons. I don't know her heart, but it sounds like from what you described that she wants to make it work with you. So I guess it is up to you to decide if it is worth fixing to you. I sincerely hope you and your entire family find nothing but the truest of happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 While I feel sorry you made a foolish decision by getting back with her AND having another kid man. You knew what you were getting into, considering that your wife said "OM rocked her little world.":rolleyes: I don't know how did you try to justify raising your kids in a bad relationship. You're not obligated to stay with their mother because you had kids with her. You deserve to be happy also, and being happy will go a long way with your kids. Do the noble thing and divorce her. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 michaelangelo, I hear you, though I'm not exactly sure what would constitute stopping digging in this situation. I agree with others who tell you to get counseling so yo can discover better coping methods than what led you to remarry without resolving the affair issues. Don't have any more kids too. I wish you and your family luck. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 OP, EMDR therapy can be immensely helpful in removing the sting from an infidelity so that it doesn't keep traumatizing you. My husband called another his "dreamgirl" and also put up another online personals ad looking for "the right girl." I am his wife, aren't I supposed to be the right girl? I have not had an EMDR session for that in particular but for other elements of his sexual activities and that has brought the pain down from a 10 to a 3 or 4, depending on the activity (and put his stupid actions into context). EMDR is like a miracle. I firmly believe that when there are children involved that you leave no stone unturned to give them a family. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 , she told a mutual friend that the OM "rocked her world all night" I remember my FWW texting her friend comparing "size" and how I ended up with the "short end of the stick". Took me a looonnnggg time to get over that one. She did tell this friend that even with the OM's endowment, he could never send her over the edge like I could. She ended up choosing me, so in the "long run", I won. Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 She did tell this friend that even with the OM's endowment, he could never send her over the edge like I could. Doesn't mean it was okay for her to cheat. That's immature to tell a friend something like that. Is she still friends with whoever she said that to? She ended up choosing me, so in the "long run", I won. You chose her at the end of the day. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 , she told a mutual friend that the OM "rocked her world all night" I remember my FWW texting her friend comparing "size" and how I ended up with the "short end of the stick". Took me a looonnnggg time to get over that one. She did tell this friend that even with the OM's endowment, he could never send her over the edge like I could. She ended up choosing me, so in the "long run", I won. Yeah sometimes the big guys end up just feeling 'stabby' You wouldn't believe the critique I had of my private parts! Apparently they are not as 'pink' as in porn but maybe if I was to 'apply some makeup under different lighting.' WTF? My vagina delivered his daughter.... idiot. But it is still the nicest one he has seen 'in real life.' Even though at that very moment he could think of others that he would prefer! Yes OP, wayward spouses are a pretty damn short-sighted bunch. Link to post Share on other sites
Seamless74 Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 Not trying to bed a dick or anything but why in the world would you have another kid Link to post Share on other sites
archaznable Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 divorced and re-married again? hmmm if it were for the kids because you are re-married is ok because the love for the child is much more important. you need to focus on your children more instead. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 H'mmm.. I would stop holding it all in. I don't think you allowed yourself to get mad first time around. All of that would give me heartburn.. Duty to the child, yeah, I can understand that but making yourself miserable.. I don't understand - but that's me. Then again, I did not feel unhappy about ending past relationships. The end is the end. Ce la vie. Are you sure you are not making your wife miserable too? You know, if things don't get fully aired sometimes revenge can play out in a dark, dark way. If you don't love her, you must tell her and set her free. If you come back together via jointly gaining support, it will be for real because you will both have fought for it. If this really is not for real, you are wasting probably the best years of your life and hers too. Never mind the whole reproducing innocent kids and bringing them into your misery angle to things. It is illogical to see this in any other way methinks. *Prediction* - Your wife will have another affair if this situation continues and really you will not be able to say a thing against this because you don't love her. So, if you stay in this marriage fully knowing you don't love her, realistically it would be best to give her permission to find someone to love her as she needs today. How does that feel? As for the kids. You will be amazed how quickly they grow up and chances are they won't see you as a hero for staying. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
Author gbot Posted April 13, 2011 Author Share Posted April 13, 2011 I'm so glad this forum exists. I appreciate all of the thoughtful responses. I wish I could tell you I feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 I'm so glad this forum exists. I appreciate all of the thoughtful responses. I wish I could tell you I feel better. You must have some good days. No one can be unhappy all the time. Well, actually some could but you know what I mean.. Find someone to talk to. Let this be your mission for the time being. People can give good advice on here but there are some crazies too. Focus in real life to find a friend and a therapist to confide in. DO IT TODAY! Serious now. Really, you need to talk to your wife though sweetheart. Lack of assertivenss is not cool. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 *Prediction* - Your wife will have another affair if this situation continues and really you will not be able to say a thing against this because you don't love her. If she has another freaking affair it just shows even more how irresponsible, self-centered, and childish she is. She'd just be screwing everything up even more, and he has a right to speak on it if she does so again. So, if you stay in this marriage fully knowing you don't love her, realistically it would be best to give her permission to find someone to love her as she needs today. Oh so it'd be best to just accept her cheating again, right? Just say, "You know what? I'm going to let you cuckold me some more.":rolleyes: It has nothing to do with love. How does that feel? I'm sure you know by now. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 If she has another freaking affair it just shows even more how irresponsible, self-centered, and childish she is. She'd just be screwing everything up even more, and he has a right to speak on it if she does so again. Oh so it'd be best to just accept her cheating again, right? Just say, "You know what? I'm going to let you cuckold me some more.":rolleyes: It has nothing to do with love. I'm sure you know by now. H'mm.. Victim mentality at work here. None of your points make sense to me because the man does not love his wife. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
applefruit Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 (edited) please delete.. Edited April 16, 2011 by applefruit Link to post Share on other sites
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