Kristi can't sleep Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 Gbot, Wow, I really feel for you - our situations aren't remotely similar, but I can ABSOLUTELY identify with some of your feelings. Yes, getting remarried made things stickier, but I can see how you'd end up there. I didn't read your other thread, but I'm assuming this came as a huge shock; finding out your spouse had an affair is brutal. You can't think clearly. And there is a misleading feeling of rejection even though cheating isn't (usually) about rejection. Then she throws herself at you, and on some level, you feel like you've "won" like the other poster said. Plus there's the kids. And the desire to rewind and undo it all. So MANY things come into play it's almost impossible to sort out. BUT, it sounds like you are on both sides of the fence: you have no feelings for her, but her affair seems like it's still having a pretty big impact. My husband didn't have an affair (I don't think) but he DID hurt me in other ways and there is this need in me to make him see what I felt like, to put him through what I went through - to even things up - that isn't realistic and won't ever happen. Everyone makes mistakes and I have to figure out if I can handle and forgive his without the satisfaction of him ever fully realizing how it felt. ...and your wife will NEVER truly know what she did to you. Even if you ran out and cheated tomorrow, it's a whole new ball game now. She wouldn't be blindsided. It would seem spiteful. Have you been able to really let loose and tell her how you feel? Or does it get turned back on YOU? Ie., "I SAID I was sorry" and that 'can I go now' look that kids get when your giving them a lecture. Because that doesn't cut it, and it can be a real stumbling block in you being able to forgive. What jumped out at me and made me think of my own situation was this: ...I had made significant progress toward putting it all behind me and rebooting my life, but I think she sensed that I was moving on, and she wooed me back, and I jumped on the opportunity to have my daughter under my roof again. My husband only wants me when I don't want him. We might as well be roommates - until I can't take it anymore and he knows I'm serious. Then he snaps back to the way he was when I married him. Of course, I'm starting to believe thats never going to happen in any genuine way, but so be it. If your wife is playing the same head games with you, be prepared for a different woman if you start to pull away. Makes it hard to know what to believe. Good luck to you - really like to know if you've been able to tell her all this. Regardless of whether you stay, you have to let her know that it may be over for her, but it's not for you. I think that's the only chance you owe her. If she doesn't know the extent of the harm she caused, she can't make an honest attempt to repair the damage. She'll never 'feel' what she did, but if there's even a speck of hope for you to forgive her, she needs a chance. Oops, btw, I am NOT for staying for the sake of the kids. Yeah, divorce is painful. But having an unhappy house day in, day out, year after year is worse. Kids feel the tension. If they're old enough to say the alphabet, you aren't hiding a thing from them no matter how hard you try. And someone WILL stray in a loveless marriage. Not necessarily through an affair, but you'll find somewhere/something else to fill the void. Would you ever want to see your children suffer that way when they grow up? Of course not. Your whole GOAL as a parent is to prepare them to live a good life when they grow up. How can they think they deserve the basic needs of a good life if you don't?* No one ever grows up and thanks a parent for being a martyr. Divorce is as painful at 20 as it is at 12. I know someone will jump on me for that, but it's what I believe. The younger kids are, the more resilient they are, and at the end of the day they will be happy if you are. This isn't 1950 thank God, and yes the divorce rate is depressing, but it's less depressing than to think of all the people that were stuck leading miserable existences because divorce was such a stigma. Well, it's 4:30am, I've just offended all kinds of people staying married for the kids in my very first post, maybe now I can get some sleep lol * Link to post Share on other sites
SouthernCalif Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Seems like you know what to do. People can tell you to get MC, but that is not going to help. You have issues, and you can spend a ton of money, and time, and effort on this, but the issues are always going to be there. Seems like you were right the first time to walk away, and perhaps you need to do that again. It is better to raise kids with 2 separate happy families than one that is not.. right? Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 .None of your points make sense to me because the man does not love his wife. Neither do your points. Because he doesn't love his selfish, cheating wife it's all of a sudden okay for her to try some more strange penis??? Please. Take care, Eve x Bye. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Neither do your points. Because he doesn't love his selfish, cheating wife it's all of a sudden okay for her to try some more strange penis??? Please. Bye. "Strange Penis" sounds like one of those oddly translated Asian dishes at a buffet. The English name would be something like: "BBQ whale meat." "What did you try at the buffet today?" "I had the "Strange penis" it was pretty thick, it made me choke. Did you try the "Tuna Surprise?" "Nah, the smell kind of reminded me of my ex-wife.":sick: Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Neither do your points. Because he doesn't love his selfish, cheating wife it's all of a sudden okay for her to try some more strange penis??? Please. Bye. Looking for a fight? Sorry no fight here.. Direct your post to the OP, I don't need your anger as much as he probably does. He needs one sided answers methinks.. probably at the root to justify NOT divorcing so he does not have to pay child support. If you stay in a marriage for that reason, you get what you deserve in my opinion. I have no interest in people who have affairs but it is obvious that straying will happen if there is no love. That is not rocket science. Conversely, no one has the right to keep punishing someone who has strayed. That to me shows a lack of character/mentally checking out of the marriage through feelings of hurt. OP, try joint therapy or give it up. Two years is a long time to be unhappy. The only person you will end up punishing is yourself and the kids. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
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