Issue with live in GF

[inimegalg]

Hello

 

I'll try to make this short.. I need an outside opinion on this.. it's real important because I'm trying to figure out what to do with my future in regards to how it relates to my GF.

 

Some background:

 

I been dating my GF for a little over 2 years... At some point, if we can get over this I would like to marry her. We have lived together for almost exactly 2 years now.. Overall.. we have a great relationship,

our little cozy apartment with stuff that we've purchased together, etc.

but there is one strain, one topic that everytime we touch at least it drives me towards the brink of breaking off the relationship.. let me elaborate.

 

To start off.. I'm 29 and my GF is 26.. My GF has never lived with a guy before, I'm the first one she has lived with and she seems pretty serious about me.. Before I was in her life when my GF was 18 she lived with her mom here in an apartment together. Her mother at the time had passed up her temporary residency and was deported. For the most part, my GF was alone.. coming home one day to find out her mom would be deported back to her country with a 10 year ban.

 

When I first met my GF I could tell that this was something she carried with her, and during that time I told her (it is now almost 10 years) when we first started that at some point if we ever lived together it would be great if her mom could come down and live with us and we could collectively work together as a team and family to help her get on her feet, then we could continue on with our lives.

 

I was well aware of the issues and as we decided to sign not 1 but 2 lease agreements (we have lived together two years now) I personally knew that there was always a possibility that the situation would arise and that I would have to support her in this, because I feel her happyness is mine.

 

Fast forward to the present. Our lease expires in 3 months. My GF is extremely dodgy lately whenever I bring up renewal times or where we're going to live. Earlier this year she has put in the paperwork through immigration to request her mother (now that she is a citizen) so she has full hopes of her coming this year. The original plan that we always agreed on, was for her mother to stay with us.. for up to a year, while she got on her feet.

 

Apparently, she has had other plans. Everytime we touch on this subject, whether it was last night, or 3 months ago.. we fight.. because now, she tells me that she doesn't think it's a good idea for us to live together and that she wants to try and savior a relationship between her mother and myself and that a living situation like that is risky. Again, I don't know whether or not her mother will truly be accepted back in the US or not.. so it is all moot if she isn't, but I feel that I'm up in the air and very unstable.

 

I have promised her time and time again that we could make it work and that I'm unwilling to think of a proposition that has me living in a 1br apartment seperately, with her doing the same with her mom. I feel after 2 years a relationship should advance, not detract. In ways, I feel that I'm being pushed aside for something "more important" -- she refuses to understand this and will not budge on the idea of us 3 living together for a short period of time.

 

Basically, she avoids the lease renewal as she doesn't know what's going to happen with her mom and completely has me up in the air about my future wtih her. She insists that we will stay together.. but I'm telling her that, it will not work that way and that I will strongly consider ending the relationship. She is 27 and I'm 29, I'm not in this for games.. I'm willing to sidetract our life together to help her mom.. but I'm not blowing off our relationship for the sake of her mom

 

At this point, I'm debating breaking it off.. I should't have to argue wtih her after living together for 2 years for an opportunity to HELP her mom. Because I personally see us moving apart as a step back in our relationship.. I understand her as a daughter, but I feel there should be some loyatly and effort present for her BF of 2 years that she "loves" -- we HAVE a life together.

 

Do you guys think it's fair? Am I being selfish for saying, we need to make the situation work together or I think it's going to push us apart

 

Or is she being selfish and heartless by not even giving me the option to even try making the situation work. Her fear is that at some point I'd get uncomfortable and get into an arguement wtih her mom, or maybe we will argue and her mom will get involved.. etc

 

I'm just at a lost.. I feel betrayed that my GF of 2 years that I've lived with for 2 years and have built a house together wtih of things we have purchased and done together looking me in the eye and telling me that I have to take a step in the backburner when her mom comes

 

I'm losing my mind over this.. and am extremely emotionally hurt... it's as if our relationship isn't as important, and she is more worried about her immediate future with her mother than she is with me.. how can I possibly see a future with somebody like that

Thoughts?

[TigerCub]

Before I tell you what I think of all this, I have a qustion - has she seen her mom in the last 10 years? Did she ever go back to her mom's country and see her in all this time?

[inimegalg]

She has been to peru since then more than 4x.. staying for 1 or 2 weeks at a time.

[TigerCub]

Thanks for the answer.

 

From reading your post - I can really see your frustration and the hurt you feel. You see what she's attempting to do as throwing you aside once her mom is back.

 

Honestly, I don't think that's how she means for it to come across, but then again, I don't know her.

 

She's spent say 5 visits at 1-2 weeks a pop with her mom. That's 10 weeks TOPS!! with her mom and she had her mom taken from her at 18. I'm not saying she was a defensless child, but so much time was taken from her and her mom. Maybe she really wishes to have that dynamic of being her mommy's girl again. (sure, most adults wouldn't see that as "normal" at the age of 26-27, but she had a lot of years growing up taken from her and her mom together) - I'm guessing that has something to do with this.

 

Also, if we don't hear it from friends, we see it on TV. A "Mother in law" living with the happy couple usually causes added stress / drama to most Rs - especially if said MIL butts into things that aren't her business (and from what your GF said to you as some of her worries, I'm guessing that she thinks her mom is one of those people).

 

Honestly, I think its awesome of you to be the one offering to have you "MIL" live with you and your gf, not manny people volunteer that offer - but I also think that your GF is really concerned about the stress and drama that living situation will add to your R. I think she's afraid that the stress would get to be too much for you - I don't know her, but this is a hunsh.

 

You feel rejected and hurt and I can certainly understand that

She may be hoping to capture something she lost with her mom, and she's possibly very afraid that the living arrangement with the 3 of you would end up causing you guys to fight more and eventually break up.

 

I don't think either one of you is wrong - I just really think you're coming at it from different places.

 

I do agree that it is a step back to not live together after living together for 2 years - so I would suggest that you get her to talk to you about what she really wants and if she's afraid of what I mentioned above.

 

Maybe with more informtation, you 2 can understand each other better and come to a much more reasonable solution.

 

Good luck

[inimegalg]

Appreciate the answer and you hit the nail on the head.

 

The key thing is that I understand her concerns.. but what I told her was this.. I believe that in 2 years of being a great BF I have at LEAST earned the right to say "let's try it"... and I told her, if I found myself in a situation that was not feasible for all 3 sides that at that point I'd step out and leave...

Let's forget emotionally... and talk financially.. her mom won't have a job when she first gets here... I think it's stupid, with our age and trying to make a life together to have me go spend $1000 on rent alone.. and have her go do the same thing with her mom when we could all be under 1 roof working together and making the situation shorter

 

but for her to not even attempt at giving me the opportunity to show her that we can co-exist because I'd rather live with her and her mom than not being with her at all.. that is just the reality.

 

But she is overly defensive about the situation and protecting our possible relationship with her mother, but what I stress to her.. is if he takes that stand there can possibly not ever be a MIL relationship because I simply won't be around

[xxoo]

But she is overly defensive about the situation and protecting our possible relationship with her mother, but what I stress to her.. is if he takes that stand there can possibly not ever be a MIL relationship because I simply won't be around

 

That seems extreme to me, if you really care about this girl.

 

Here are the facts: when her mom arrives in the country, you gf feels she needs to live alone with her mom for a year. It isn't personal. It is just what your gf needs to do for her mom. She loves you, and hopes you can accept that this is what she needs to do for her herself and her mom.

 

Does her mother know that you live together now? Is some of the issue cultural--either her mom not knowing that you currently live together, or it seeming disrespectful to live with your mother and your bf?

 

Would it change things if you were married?

[lordWilhelm]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation, in that my girlfriend who I've been living with for about a year now will be going away for field work for about a year and a half. In some ways, it feels like a step back in the relationship to suddenly be apart (and in this case long-distance) instead of things progressing, but on the other hand this is something that is a mandatory component of her program and the fact that I knew about it beforehand has helped me accept it.

 

In your case, I think the fact that you are confronted relatively suddenly with this dilemma is making it harder to cope (I find particularly telling this phrase: "Apparently, she has had other plans. Everytime we touch on this subject, we fight"). Do you really want to give her an ultimatum that you're going to leave if she doesn't stay with you -- after all, if you're at the stage that you're willing to marry her, one year of not living together and incurring a few hundred extra dollars of rent a month because of special circumstances shouldn't destroy your relationship, should they?

 

I would suggest that you do make an effort and talk to her about the things that are troubling you in all this. Why is she avoiding talking to you about the lease and as xxoo pointed out are there some cultural issues that you're not aware of? Tell her what you said here, that it makes you feel like she's putting you on the backburner but also be understanding of her need to help her mother. And talk about possibilities -- supposing that she does get her visa accepted, talk about and agree on a specific period of time that you would both be okay to live apart and what happens after that.

 

I understand it's a difficult situation for you, but I've found that putting things in perspective has been helpful in my case. Also, there can be benefits from taking it a bit more slowly for one year -- I'm going to use some of the extra time to work on a project that I've had on hold for a few months, and I'll be socializing more with some of the guys in my department. And it could be an opportunity to make your relationship even stronger with good communication.

Edited March 23, 2011 by lordWilhelm