At a crossroads

[SadDazedConfused]

When my husband and I were married for a little over a year, I became very unhappy and depressed with where my life was at the time. I had moved away from my hometown, and in turn had moved away from my family and friends. I hated my job, and I basically felt lost. I started going back home every weekend and hanging out with my old friends. My husband knew I was sad and depressed, and he tried to make me happy. We would come home from work, and he'd want to spend time with me, and I'd just want to be by myself. I eventually went to counseling to deal with my sadness and depression, and while there, told the counselor my feelings and that honestly I blamed a lot of what was happening to me on my husband, and that I was contemplating a divorce. She then suggested that we go to marriage counseling to try to work out the issues, and that I continue to see her to work on my own issues. My husband was shocked to hear that I felt like there were issues with our marriage, but agreed to go and was very willing to work on whatever our problems were. We went to a few sessions, but I wasn't ready to share my true feelings with the counselor or my husband. During this time, I was still going home pretty much every weekend, and I ended up having sex with a guy I went to high school with. I felt awful about it after it happened, but never told anyone.

 

We continued counseling, but my belief that a divorce would make me happier continued. It finally came out between my husband and I, that I wanted a divorce. He was devastated. He had no idea that I was that unhappy or that I would consider leaving him. He begged me to continue counseling and I agreed, but my heart wasn't in it to be honest. We did more counseling sessions, and supposedly things were improving. We worked on our communication, we worked on spending more time together in our free time, and we worked on me initiating sex with him. I continued going back home on the weekends, and ended up seeing a guy that was a few years younger than me at a party. We talked and flirted and one thing led to another and we were making out. I stopped him before it went any further. The following weekend, I saw him again, and again we flirted and made out. I finally stopped him and told him I wasn't going to cheat on my husband (he knew I was married the whole time). The next day, I felt like there was no saving my marriage or me. I was ashamed at what I did and had done, but my way of dealing with it was to push my husband away even further. I told him that I regretted marrying him, and that I never did desire him or find him attractive. He was really hurt and he cried and said he couldn't believe I would ever say that. I still didn't leave him at that point though.

 

At this point, he apparently became suspicious of what I was doing every weekend at home, and began to read my email. He eventually found out that I was going up there the following weekend to see the guy I had been making out with, and he confronted me on it. I lied and told him that we had been hanging out, but nothing had ever happened physically. I promised to never see him again. I think this incident really made me realize that I didn't really want to leave my husband. He loved me and would do anything to make our marriage work.

 

We continued counseling, and eventually worked out our issues. I have never told him the truth about either of the men that I was with. We now have two children who are 8 and 6. I fear that if I tell him now what I did back then, that he will want to leave me. That I should have told him the truth back then, before we got this far with our lives. I knew if I told him then, that he would divorce me. I didn't want to hurt him and I didn't want him to divorce me, so I kept it hidden all these years.

 

I really don't know what I should do.

[ShatteredReality]

First off - I read this first on the other thread you posted. You will be ripped apart on the infidelity thread. Just warning you. A good place to post something like this would have been over on Other Man/Woman...I am just telling you now so that when you get some nasty replies you aren't shocked into leaving the site entirely. A lot of folks over there are quite embittered and you will feel the full force of that bitterness.

 

OK - now to address your issue. How are things going now in your marriage? You say you slept with the one guy the one time and you made out with the other guy two times? Was there anything additional that happened that you've held back? He will be very upset. How does he feel about that time in your marriage? If things are really good now and he views that time as a momentary lapse of sanity for you he may forgive you and stay. By telling him you will make him question every truth he thought you told between then and now. Chances are you will need to reenter therapy together and work through it. I don't believe he'll leave you entirely...but you will create a difficult road with a long recovery. However, enough time has past where you apparently haven't repeated this behavior that he may be able to see that and move forward...it sort of depends on his view of things. He seems like a very dedicated and good man - telling him will crush him (not going to sugar coat it) but he will most likely try to keep your marriage together and move forward with you. As your husband he does have a right to know about the betrayal...