SadDazedConfused Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 When my husband and I were married for a little over a year, I became very unhappy and depressed with where my life was at the time. I had moved away from my hometown, and in turn had moved away from my family and friends. I hated my job, and I basically felt lost. I started going back home every weekend and hanging out with my old friends. My husband knew I was sad and depressed, and he tried to make me happy. We would come home from work, and he'd want to spend time with me, and I'd just want to be by myself. I eventually went to counseling to deal with my sadness and depression, and while there, told the counselor my feelings and that honestly I blamed a lot of what was happening to me on my husband, and that I was contemplating a divorce. She then suggested that we go to marriage counseling to try to work out the issues, and that I continue to see her to work on my own issues. My husband was shocked to hear that I felt like there were issues with our marriage, but agreed to go and was very willing to work on whatever our problems were. We went to a few sessions, but I wasn't ready to share my true feelings with the counselor or my husband. During this time, I was still going home pretty much every weekend, and I ended up having sex with a guy I went to high school with. I felt awful about it after it happened, but never told anyone. We continued counseling, but my belief that a divorce would make me happier continued. It finally came out between my husband and I, that I wanted a divorce. He was devastated. He had no idea that I was that unhappy or that I would consider leaving him. He begged me to continue counseling and I agreed, but my heart wasn't in it to be honest. We did more counseling sessions, and supposedly things were improving. We worked on our communication, we worked on spending more time together in our free time, and we worked on me initiating sex with him. I continued going back home on the weekends, and ended up seeing a guy that was a few years younger than me at a party. We talked and flirted and one thing led to another and we were making out. I stopped him before it went any further. The following weekend, I saw him again, and again we flirted and made out. I finally stopped him and told him I wasn't going to cheat on my husband (he knew I was married the whole time). The next day, I felt like there was no saving my marriage or me. I was ashamed at what I did and had done, but my way of dealing with it was to push my husband away even further. I told him that I regretted marrying him, and that I never did desire him or find him attractive. He was really hurt and he cried and said he couldn't believe I would ever say that. I still didn't leave him at that point though. At this point, he apparently became suspicious of what I was doing every weekend at home, and began to read my email. He eventually found out that I was going up there the following weekend to see the guy I had been making out with, and he confronted me on it. I lied and told him that we had been hanging out, but nothing had ever happened physically. I promised to never see him again. I think this incident really made me realize that I didn't really want to leave my husband. He loved me and would do anything to make our marriage work. We continued counseling, and eventually worked out our issues. I have never told him the truth about either of the men that I was with. That was 12 years ago, and we now have two children who are 8 and 6. I fear that if I tell him now what I did back then, that he will want to leave me. That I should have told him the truth back then, before we got this far with our lives. I knew if I told him then, that he would divorce me. I didn't want to hurt him and I didn't want him to divorce me, so I kept it hidden all these years. I really don't know what I should do. Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 You deserve to be left in the dust. And your husband deserves to be with someone who isnt a bad person... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 When my husband and I were married for a little over a year, I became very unhappy and depressed with where my life was at the time. I had moved away from my hometown, and in turn had moved away from my family and friends. I hated my job, and I basically felt lost. I started going back home every weekend and hanging out with my old friends. My husband knew I was sad and depressed, and he tried to make me happy. We would come home from work, and he'd want to spend time with me, and I'd just want to be by myself. I eventually went to counseling to deal with my sadness and depression, and while there, told the counselor my feelings and that honestly I blamed a lot of what was happening to me on my husband, and that I was contemplating a divorce. She then suggested that we go to marriage counseling to try to work out the issues, and that I continue to see her to work on my own issues. My husband was shocked to hear that I felt like there were issues with our marriage, but agreed to go and was very willing to work on whatever our problems were. We went to a few sessions, but I wasn't ready to share my true feelings with the counselor or my husband. During this time, I was still going home pretty much every weekend, and I ended up having sex with a guy I went to high school with. I felt awful about it after it happened, but never told anyone. We continued counseling, but my belief that a divorce would make me happier continued. It finally came out between my husband and I, that I wanted a divorce. He was devastated. He had no idea that I was that unhappy or that I would consider leaving him. He begged me to continue counseling and I agreed, but my heart wasn't in it to be honest. We did more counseling sessions, and supposedly things were improving. We worked on our communication, we worked on spending more time together in our free time, and we worked on me initiating sex with him. I continued going back home on the weekends, and ended up seeing a guy that was a few years younger than me at a party. We talked and flirted and one thing led to another and we were making out. I stopped him before it went any further. The following weekend, I saw him again, and again we flirted and made out. I finally stopped him and told him I wasn't going to cheat on my husband (he knew I was married the whole time). The next day, I felt like there was no saving my marriage or me. I was ashamed at what I did and had done, but my way of dealing with it was to push my husband away even further. I told him that I regretted marrying him, and that I never did desire him or find him attractive. He was really hurt and he cried and said he couldn't believe I would ever say that. I still didn't leave him at that point though. At this point, he apparently became suspicious of what I was doing every weekend at home, and began to read my email. He eventually found out that I was going up there the following weekend to see the guy I had been making out with, and he confronted me on it. I lied and told him that we had been hanging out, but nothing had ever happened physically. I promised to never see him again. I think this incident really made me realize that I didn't really want to leave my husband. He loved me and would do anything to make our marriage work. We continued counseling, and eventually worked out our issues. I have never told him the truth about either of the men that I was with. That was 12 years ago, and we now have two children who are 8 and 6. I fear that if I tell him now what I did back then, that he will want to leave me. That I should have told him the truth back then, before we got this far with our lives. I knew if I told him then, that he would divorce me. I didn't want to hurt him and I didn't want him to divorce me, so I kept it hidden all these years. I really don't know what I should do. So wait, let me get this straight. You blamed your husband for your personal issues, disrespected and cheated on him with multiple men, guilted him into staying with you, gaslighted him for 12 years, had 2 children, and never told him the full truth about your affairs? You say you guys went to MC and worked out the issues but there's no indication of solution. My advice? Divorce. I'm sorry but you do not deserve him. Stop disrespecting him and lying, and let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
codycat Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 I told him that I regretted marrying him, and that I never did desire him or find him attractive. He was really hurt and he cried and said he couldn't believe I would ever say that. I still didn't leave him at that point though. We continued counseling, and eventually worked out our issues. I have never told him the truth about either of the men that I was with. That was 12 years ago, and we now have two children who are 8 and 6. I fear that if I tell him now what I did back then, that he will want to leave me. That I should have told him the truth back then, before we got this far with our lives. I knew if I told him then, that he would divorce me. I didn't want to hurt him and I didn't want him to divorce me, so I kept it hidden all these years. I really don't know what I should do. Hey there, Your poor husband, boy do I ever feel for him. When you hurt him the first time and said all that mean stuff to him he still continued to hang in there. I would guess he truly loved you. You should have left him back then. If that would have happened you wouldn't be in the spot you're in now. Now however that 12 years have past, what would be the point of telling him? Hurt him some more? Nothing can be accomplished by telling him now, except possible divorce and even If he did decide to continue the marriage he would never trust you again. My opinion: I say just be quiet. Some issues are better left unspoken. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadDazedConfused Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 Our marriage has had it's ups and downs since then, but for the most part it has been good. He did ask me on a few occasions a year or two after this all happened, if something more had happened, but I couldn't tell him the truth. I knew it would destroy our marriage, and I didn't want that. I was young and naive and made mistakes and I am a different person now. The awful, hurtful things I said to him, weren't true. I was only trying to deflect my own shame and guilt away from myself. It was easier to hurt him than deal with my own issues, and I feel awful for doing that. I truly do love him now, and it would destroy me if he were to leave me. I think we have had so many great experiences since then, that we both love each other, that it would sad to walk away. Plus we have children now, what it would potentially do to them. The guilt has been eating at me since it all happened, and I know it's wrong to keep it from him, but should I destroy our marriage now because of something I did 12 years ago? Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 put the shoe on the other foot, and you have the answer to your question. your lifes been one big lie for all these years. you deprived him of the chance/choice to be with someone who completely loved him. Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 You wouldnt be destroying it NOW... you destroyed it 12 years ago... You would just be doing the right thing finally. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 Our marriage has had it's ups and downs since then, but for the most part it has been good. He did ask me on a few occasions a year or two after this all happened, if something more had happened, but I couldn't tell him the truth. I knew it would destroy our marriage, and I didn't want that. I was young and naive and made mistakes and I am a different person now. The awful, hurtful things I said to him, weren't true. I was only trying to deflect my own shame and guilt away from myself. It was easier to hurt him than deal with my own issues, and I feel awful for doing that. I truly do love him now, and it would destroy me if he were to leave me. I think we have had so many great experiences since then, that we both love each other, that it would sad to walk away. Plus we have children now, what it would potentially do to them. The guilt has been eating at me since it all happened, and I know it's wrong to keep it from him, but should I destroy our marriage now because of something I did 12 years ago? So you feel like you deceived him into staying with you in the beginning? You feel as though he would leave because you built a life on lies? You know you were/are wrong. What do you expect the people here to say? Are you okay with looking at your husband daily and lying to him? Are you okay with knowing that he has no choice in this life you have chosen for him? Are you okay giving him half a wife? Just because that life is okay for you to live, why do you think it is okay for him to live? Link to post Share on other sites
confusedhere Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 I don't know. As a recently betrayed spouse, I really don't know if I'd want to know in that situation. Having the pain that I feel now - I'd do anything not to feel that pain, to never know that pain. Either way, you've betrayed him, but what good comes out of telling him now? Right now, you are the one that feels the guilt and unsettled feelings, and you are suffering. If you tell him, then he will suffer great pain. But it'd be the truth. I think it would be ethical to tell him the truth. But it would be merciful for him to never know. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 You have 2 choices. Come clean and let the cards land where they land, or you suck it up and deal with your guilt by doing counselling. Could've,should've, would've.. Doesn't matter now, what counts is NOW and how you handle this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadDazedConfused Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 I think our marriage has been very good at times over the last 12 years. We have had our issues, like any other marriage, but have managed to work through them. We have made a number of life choices since then because we love each other: having children, buying a house, etc. I know I was immature and foolish when I did what I did. I felt like there was no saving our marriage and that I couldn't be fixed either. I am NOT that same person now. I love him with all my heart and I will regret what I did for as long as I live. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadDazedConfused Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 I think the guilt I have felt and I am feeling has affected the amount of intimacy I can share with him. I fear that I cannot be the wife I want to be because of the guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 That's quite a story. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 I think the guilt I have felt and I am feeling has affected the amount of intimacy I can share with him. I fear that I cannot be the wife I want to be because of the guilt. That's because you can't. You can't give yourself fully to him as long as you are holding a part of yourself back from him. Like I said, not a whole wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadDazedConfused Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 That is why I almost NEED to tell him, but I fear the truth will make him leave me. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 So, 12 years have passed ... why all of the sudden at this point, today, do you feel you have to tell the truth when the status quo has been acceptable for you for more than a decade? Obviously, you need to tell him. You have said so in no uncertain terms. Then he gets to decide where he stands with the knowledge. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadDazedConfused Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 We are having some problems again. He is unhappy with our intimacy and feels like I am not passionate toward him. I have been doing some soul searching and I think it has to relate to the secrets that I am keeping. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredReality Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 We are having some problems again. He is unhappy with our intimacy and feels like I am not passionate toward him. I have been doing some soul searching and I think it has to relate to the secrets that I am keeping. Send the kids away for the weekend....or for a week even...that way when you tell him he's free to react and go through his emotions without either of you having to worry about them. Tell him the first day they're gone...and have the number for a counselor on hand and ready to make an appt for the following couple days. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 I hope that he takes it reasonably well when you tell him. Best of luck to you. Report back and let us know how it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 We are having some problems again. He is unhappy with our intimacy and feels like I am not passionate toward him. I have been doing some soul searching and I think it has to relate to the secrets that I am keeping. ^^^^^^ This is why you're still having issues, so please don't insult us talking about how you're different. There should be no debate on whether to tell him or not. Quit being selfish and robbing him of information he deserves to know and be woman enough to tell it to his face. This lying and disrespect needs to stop. Tell him or divorce him. He doesn't deserve this. Link to post Share on other sites
aeg512 Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 I think you have answered your own question. If you really feel this is affecting your intimacy and you wish to have a good relation you will need to tell. You should get IC to prepare youself for this and have your H come to a session to have you explain what you have essentially said in your OP. The odds are he has a very strong feeling that this did take place, he just didn't press the issue. This is from the description of events you have told. Actually he may be somewhat relieved as to why you told him the things you did many years ago. Just be honest now. Link to post Share on other sites
PorkRinds Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 I fear the truth The truth will set you free. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadDazedConfused Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 My sister lives in town, and our kids are on spring break. I asked her to take the kids for tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 That is why I almost NEED to tell him, but I fear the truth will make him leave me. That could well happen. I wouldn't blame him for leaving you -- in a HUGE respect, your marriage all these years has been based on a lie. You made decisions about HIS future that weren't yours to make. So, the issue comes down to this. If you've been carrying around the guilt all these years, and of late it's manifested into a need to tell him, then I expect the strength of that need is just going to keep growing. Which means that you'll probably break down and tell him sooner or later. And, given the big lie of the past eleven years, having him unknowingly continue to live a lie is totally unfair to him. Say you wait another five years before coming clean. That's another five years of his life gone, based in part on a huge lie. Say you wait till you're both retired -- what's that, another 30 years based on the same huge lie? No, the only answer is to come clean. Now. Give him the chance, at long last, to make the decisions about his life that you've denied him for so long. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 My sister lives in town, and our kids are on spring break. I asked her to take the kids for tonight. I will pray for your family. Link to post Share on other sites
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