Author SadDazedConfused Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 Well, I told him. I told him about both of the men that I had flings with. He was angry, upset and shocked. He asked how it had happened, when it had happened and why it happened. I tried to be open and honest with him. After I explained what I could for him, he then confessed to me that he had slept with two other women about 5 years ago. He claimed that part of him had always felt that I wasn't telling him the whole story. That it always sat in the back of his head, sometimes more than others. He said he grew tired of the talks we'd have about more intimacy and me initiating sex with him, and me not ever following through. That I never made him feel sexy or desirable, even though he asked me to repeatedly. So he found someone else that did and he had sex with her. The first woman he met on a trip out of town, and the second woman he met at a bar in town here. The first woman he only had sex with once, or so he claims, and the second woman he saw on a few occasions. I feel sick. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Well, I told him. I told him about both of the men that I had flings with. He was angry, upset and shocked. He asked how it had happened, when it had happened and why it happened. I tried to be open and honest with him. After I explained what I could for him, he then confessed to me that he had slept with two other women about 5 years ago. He claimed that part of him had always felt that I wasn't telling him the whole story. That it always sat in the back of his head, sometimes more than others. He said he grew tired of the talks we'd have about more intimacy and me initiating sex with him, and me not ever following through. That I never made him feel sexy or desirable, even though he asked me to repeatedly. So he found someone else that did and he had sex with her. The first woman he met on a trip out of town, and the second woman he met at a bar in town here. The first woman he only had sex with once, or so he claims, and the second woman he saw on a few occasions. I feel sick. An unexpected twist, for sure. Well, now you both know the feeling of betrayal. Both of you have cheated and both of you are betrayed spouses. So, what happens now? Do you two work through this, or is it time to say goodbye and go your own separate ways? What do you want, and what does he want? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Well, I told him. I told him about both of the men that I had flings with. He was angry, upset and shocked. He asked how it had happened, when it had happened and why it happened. I tried to be open and honest with him. After I explained what I could for him, he then confessed to me that he had slept with two other women about 5 years ago. He claimed that part of him had always felt that I wasn't telling him the whole story. That it always sat in the back of his head, sometimes more than others. He said he grew tired of the talks we'd have about more intimacy and me initiating sex with him, and me not ever following through. That I never made him feel sexy or desirable, even though he asked me to repeatedly. So he found someone else that did and he had sex with her. The first woman he met on a trip out of town, and the second woman he met at a bar in town here. The first woman he only had sex with once, or so he claims, and the second woman he saw on a few occasions. I feel sick. Get help now. If you and he want to start a new healthy relationship...seek counseling ASAP. I applaud your courage and strength. Don't loose them...you will need them now more than ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadDazedConfused Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 I don't know. After our talk, he packed a bag and left. Said he wanted time to think. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 I don't know. After our talk, he packed a bag and left. Said he wanted time to think. Are you a praying woman? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 I don't know. After our talk, he packed a bag and left. Said he wanted time to think. And you should take time to think as well. Each of you are probably in shock, feeling the exact same thing. Counselling is a must if you two are going to attempt to fix things and learn how to trust eachother. That's gone now, for both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Well, I told him. I told him about both of the men that I had flings with. He was angry, upset and shocked. He asked how it had happened, when it had happened and why it happened. I tried to be open and honest with him. After I explained what I could for him, he then confessed to me that he had slept with two other women about 5 years ago. He claimed that part of him had always felt that I wasn't telling him the whole story. That it always sat in the back of his head, sometimes more than others. He said he grew tired of the talks we'd have about more intimacy and me initiating sex with him, and me not ever following through. That I never made him feel sexy or desirable, even though he asked me to repeatedly. So he found someone else that did and he had sex with her. The first woman he met on a trip out of town, and the second woman he met at a bar in town here. The first woman he only had sex with once, or so he claims, and the second woman he saw on a few occasions. I feel sick. And he cheated too....shame. Oh well now both of you are cheaters. All the more reason to separate. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Hey sad---you have both cheated---so you are even---maybe now you will both grow up----try and work it out for your children---they do not deserve to be tossed around, and since you are both even---maybe its finally out of your systems---tho I am not sure there will be much trust around your home for a long while if ever You both are gonna hurt terribly, but maybe out of your old wrecked mge---a new mge can grow----just be upfront and honest with each other If the 2 of you can't make it then D---is not so terrible---its there for everyone to have a fresh start and a 2nd chance Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Wow... in a rather messed-up way, that's probably the best outcome. Each of you has been the betrayer and the betrayed. Each of you knows the other's pain. The issue now is where the two of you go from here. One could flippantly say that you should split, but it might at least be worth exploring counselling together. Link to post Share on other sites
ayjt80 Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Well, I told him. I told him about both of the men that I had flings with. He was angry, upset and shocked. He asked how it had happened, when it had happened and why it happened. I tried to be open and honest with him. After I explained what I could for him, he then confessed to me that he had slept with two other women about 5 years ago. He claimed that part of him had always felt that I wasn't telling him the whole story. That it always sat in the back of his head, sometimes more than others. He said he grew tired of the talks we'd have about more intimacy and me initiating sex with him, and me not ever following through. That I never made him feel sexy or desirable, even though he asked me to repeatedly. So he found someone else that did and he had sex with her. The first woman he met on a trip out of town, and the second woman he met at a bar in town here. The first woman he only had sex with once, or so he claims, and the second woman he saw on a few occasions. I feel sick. Serves both of you right. You both deserve each other. It just shows there is no respect for each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Memphis Raines Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 We continued counseling, and eventually worked out our issues. I have never told him the truth about either of the men that I was with. That was 12 years ago, and we now have two children who are 8 and 6. I fear that if I tell him now what I did back then, that he will want to leave me. That I should have told him the truth back then, before we got this far with our lives. I knew if I told him then, that he would divorce me. I didn't want to hurt him and I didn't want him to divorce me, so I kept it hidden all these years. I really don't know what I should do. too many questions you need to ask yourself: doesn't my husband deserve the truth as someone who made a huge effort to make the marriage work? do you tell him and run the risk of him leaving you? he may not, but there is a possibility. do you keep this secret from him, therefore not being the person worthy of the effort he made to work on his marriage? because in doing so he did it under false pretenses that you didn't cheat. I believe someone who has been betrayed deserves the truth. Problem is, you kept this from him for 12 years when you should have told him up front. You are not the person he thought he was working on a marriage with. so your choices are, don't tell him, which is basically you lying to him, a lie of ommission for the rest of your lives and save yourself the consequences of your actions. or you tell him and let him decide his own fate rather than someone making the decision for him by not telling him. but if you don't tell him, then your marriage is based on a lie and deception. My guess is you won't tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
Memphis Raines Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Well, I told him. I told him about both of the men that I had flings with. He was angry, upset and shocked. He asked how it had happened, when it had happened and why it happened. I tried to be open and honest with him. After I explained what I could for him, he then confessed to me that he had slept with two other women about 5 years ago. He claimed that part of him had always felt that I wasn't telling him the whole story. That it always sat in the back of his head, sometimes more than others. He said he grew tired of the talks we'd have about more intimacy and me initiating sex with him, and me not ever following through. That I never made him feel sexy or desirable, even though he asked me to repeatedly. So he found someone else that did and he had sex with her. The first woman he met on a trip out of town, and the second woman he met at a bar in town here. The first woman he only had sex with once, or so he claims, and the second woman he saw on a few occasions. I feel sick. wow! well I applaud you for coming clean. as well as he, although he only did because you did. But then again, he always knew something was up and you hid it which is why he did too I suppose. So if your H hadn't packed a bag and left, would you have felt like you didn't want to be married to him after hearing that he did the same thing? Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 You did the right thing. I also applaud you for that. It must have been a VERY difficult thing to do. You cannot change the past, you can only change the future. Leave him be for now. He needs to process this. So do you for that matter. IC/MC will be critical if your marriage is to survive this. It's no small wonder you have been having intimacy issues. No small wonder at all. You REALLY did the right thing, even if your marriage ends because of this. Sooner or later the guilt, the lack of communication and intimacy would have caused more affairs or something worse. Don't make any rash decisions right now. Just give it time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadDazedConfused Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 He has packed up some clothes and other items and is going to stay with family because he says he needs his space. He said that he doesn't think he can ever trust me enough to want be in a relationship with me again. That I should have told him back then, that it was his right to know. Especially before we chose to have kids. He said he looked to the other women he slept with because I wasn't giving him what he needed and that he always suspected there was more to the story than I had told him. He also doesn't believe me that I only slept with the one guy and made out with the other. He questions why I didn't sleep with the second man since I already had with the first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadDazedConfused Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 He wants to know why, if he would have left me 12 years ago if I had told him I cheated, that he wouldn't now? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 While I understand his anger(and yours) he has absolutely no room to talk about trust. No matter what was happening with your marriage he chose to have an affair to deal with his issues and he also chose to lie to you about that fact. His actions are a mirror of yours. If you had known about his affairs, maybe you wouldn't have wanted to stay with him. Please go to IC. Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 It's understandable he's mad because you selfishly held this in for your own personal agenda, but his decision to cheat and the reasons for it are inexcusable also, so he's in the same spot as you are in. Let him cool off but he needs to know that he's not so innocent in this either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadDazedConfused Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 He accepts the consequences for what he did. He said he made the decision to cheat on me, and when he did, he assumed if I found out that I'd leave him. His state of mind at the time was that if I wasn't going to change and be the woman that he needed, that he was going to find it from somewhere else. He admitted that this was the wrong way to go about things, but he had tried talking to me over and over and I never gave him what he needed. I admittedly have always held back for some reason. As was stated previously, this reason was probably the secret that I was keeping from him. Trust is obviously non-existent in our relationship right now and I don't know if we can ever find it again. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 I think he's totally overreacting now and is making it seem like this is all on you. He needs space and HE needs to cool? Hey, I give you credit that you confessed to him. As hard as that was to do, even though it took 12 years, atleast you did it. Him? Would he ever have confessed to you first? I doubt it very much. I could be wrong, but I think he's going to put it all on you, make you the bad guy and he'll use this as an excuse to leave. Now, where is YOUR anger towards him? You cheated 12 years ago, he cheated 5 years ago, neither of you said nothing. So now what? A separation? A divorce? Marriage counselling? Use this time to figure out what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadDazedConfused Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 In his defense for leaving, he doesn't want to fight in front of the kids. We have had a few disagreements in the past few weeks that have upset them, and they don't need to see that. I think right now, it is best for us to not be stuck under the same 4 walls. I am angry with him. The idea of him being with another woman makes me ill. I didn't tell him about my cheating before we decided to have kids. I accept that. He cheated on me AFTER we had kids and with more than one woman. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 In his defense for leaving, he doesn't want to fight in front of the kids. We have had a few disagreements in the past few weeks that have upset them, and they don't need to see that. I think right now, it is best for us to not be stuck under the same 4 walls. I am angry with him. The idea of him being with another woman makes me ill. I didn't tell him about my cheating before we decided to have kids. I accept that. He cheated on me AFTER we had kids and with more than one woman. So do you have any idea what you want to do? What direction you want to take? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadDazedConfused Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 I think that there is enough good there to work this out. I think I can forgive him and move forward and try to make our marriage better. I would like to go to MC and see if there is hope for us. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 I think that there is enough good there to work this out. I think I can forgive him and move forward and try to make our marriage better. I would like to go to MC and see if there is hope for us. While I am by no means a fan of cheating, you did step up and you did accept responsibility(which I suspect you were already on the road to doing before you posted here)....DO NOT let him lay everything at your feet. Your actions are your actions...his actions he needs to own fully. Link to post Share on other sites
ComputerJock Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 You say you can forgive him and move on, but you held a secret for twelve years and he always had his suspicions, it is hard for a man to forgive someone who could have come clean twelve years ago and set him free then, but instead had kids and a secret. I think I would go to counseling on your own and plan on a life without him. On these boards it seems it is a lot harder for a guy to forgive then a woman. But he will never forget what you did and the lie your marriage was all these years. Link to post Share on other sites
Memphis Raines Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I am angry with him. The idea of him being with another woman makes me ill. I didn't tell him about my cheating before we decided to have kids. I accept that. He cheated on me AFTER we had kids and with more than one woman. and you should be angry with him. you both should be angry at each other. as far as you being ill, now you know how it feels. but the before and after the kids thing doesn't give either one of you any more of a high ground. Link to post Share on other sites
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