Do I confess Now?

[bentnotbroken]

Linwood, read the full thread. The advice she's been given has been helpful no need to do the "bitter BS thing" it's getting old around here..

 

She did tell her husband the truth, and he confessed that he TOO, cheated twice.

 

He is upset and pissed off at her, making her feel worthless and blaming her too, all the meanwhile he's just as guilty as she is by cheating. I give her kudos for coming clean and owing her mistakes and bad choices.. He on the otherhand, hasn't fully done that and is pushing her away.

 

 

Agreed WWIU. Her husband is in no position to accept what she is offering because he won't even look at himself at this point. He needs to deal with his crap too.

[bentnotbroken]

Be careful of the advice you take from here SDC most here are very bitter betrayed spouses who can`t think of anything else but their own pain.

 

If you could tell your husband without ending your marriage it might allow you to rid yourself of your guilty feelings.

 

But..

 

If telling your husband is going to destroy your marriage I say eat the guilt and keep moving on.

If what the two of you have is a good thing now and your children are happy and growing don`t destroy that to sooth your own conscience.

 

Sooth your conscience by making up for it each and every day, be the wife he deserves.

 

 

Here we go with the "bitter" crap again. If telling the truth makes somebody bitter....:bunny::bunny:Praise God for bitterness.

[SadDazedConfused]

We talked more over the weekend. He is still staying with family, says he wants his space for now, that he needs to deal with his emotions and feelings and doesn't want to argue or fight in front of our kids. He picked up the kids this morning for school and plans to do that every day. He spent most of yesterday with them, took them out for lunch and spent the afternoon with them.

 

I have a counseling sessions scheduled for this afternoon. He isn't sure if he is going to join me or not. He says at this point, he doesn't want to work things out, so what is the point in counseling. I told him that regardless of the outcome of our marriage, that we need to work through things so we are to a point that we can have a decent relationship. He agreed, and said that talking to someone about things might help him at least work through things and organize his thoughts and help provide some insight and perspective.

 

He has also asked me to provide him with all the details of what happened between me and the two men. I am a bit uncomfortable sharing these with him. I don't know how much to tell him. I don't want to hurt him further, but he has said if I don't tell him, that his imagination will fill in the blanks forever and he will probably envision worse things than actually happened. He has also offered to tell me any and all information I want to hear about what he did. At this point, I really don't want to hear details. Maybe at some point, I will need to, but not now. I don't know why he'd want to know all the intimate details...where, when, how, what positions, etc. Right now he just knows we had sex and that I used protection. Isn't that enough?

[UnsureinSeattle]

You've come this far- you may as well give him the answers he wants. I would imagine that, yes, at some point, you're going to want those same answers as well.

[bentnotbroken]

You've come this far- you may as well give him the answers he wants. I would imagine that, yes, at some point, you're going to want those same answers as well.

 

 

Ditto. But if you aren't ready, that is understandable. Not everyone needs to hear the details.

[SadDazedConfused]

I don't understand why he wants to know. I'd think it would make things worse for to hear the details come out of my mouth.

 

He said again last night, that if we take his cheating out of the equation, that he'd still want to leave me. That we wouldn't even be discussing things. So then for him now to forgive me and move forward, he's essentially admitting that his cheating balances things out and makes mine okay, or at minimum less bad in the end. Which based on the initial responses from most everyone to my original post, actually holds weight. Everyone was very much against me and calling me this and that and tearing me apart, and now that he has cheated too, things have lightened up. I'm not the horrible person I was, when it was just me that cheated and kept it from him.

 

There are just so many things running through my head right now. It's so up and down.

[SadDazedConfused]

I have hope that he will come around once the initial anger subsides. I plan to be patient and understanding and not push him, and hopefully he will at least come to counseling with me and give it a chance.

 

So, in my effort to help him deal with his issues and questions, I think I need answer his questions. I just don't know how much to tell him, because at this point, I don't want to know any of the details from his affairs.

[SoulStorm]

I have hope that he will come around once the initial anger subsides. I plan to be patient and understanding and not push him, and hopefully he will at least come to counseling with me and give it a chance.

 

So, in my effort to help him deal with his issues and questions, I think I need answer his questions. I just don't know how much to tell him, because at this point, I don't want to know any of the details from his affairs.

Tell him the truth. Trickle truth (lying) will make you lose your marriage. It is not the infidelity that always kills the marriage, it's the lying after the infidelity.

You're not protecting him by minimizing..only yourself. He deserves the truth as well as you do if you wanted it.

[sweetlife]

been unconfortable answering the where, when, how etc. is very hard but i will tell you to answer each and every questions he has. I made a huge mistake by refusing to answer those same questions and i made it very difficult for my husband to get the answers and everyone here have different opinions about answering questions. one that it will create a movie on your H. head, other that he does not need to know but I have been thru. that so my advice to you is to answer each a every questions he has. do not said more then what he ask just answer.

[Untouchable_Fire]

what I can tell you is to be pacient a lot, and as some else wrote here, if you are a christian person, I will advise you to pray, pray, pray. I feel for you so much b'se I went thru. something similar exept I did not quite answers my H's questions so I could off save myself alot of pain. it seem you are doing great at keeping the communication going. I do not know where i will be if i had not trusted the powers that God has for us. I prayed for myself but i also pray for my H a lot. so put your marriage in the hands of higher being and keep doing your work and your H well end up knowning that it can be worth trying. It is been only 6 months for us and I do see a lot of improvement for our marriage but the first 3 months it was hell for both of us but now we enjoy moments of happyness. what I am saying is that little by little things start getting better.

 

I don't really like you handing out this advice.

 

As someone who has a good amount of faith and takes it seriously... You don't just turn to God after cheating. You lied and were unrepentant for 3 years! Then you decide it's convenient to pray a bit?

 

We are all sinners and nobody is perfect, but I don't lie, cheat, and steal then turn to God when things go bad for me. If I do something wrong I repent and face consequences right away.

 

Also... I wouldn't cheat just because the sex was bland at the moment... nor would I turn down my SO, because I wanted to cheat later that day.

 

Bottom line: You act like a wolf in sheeps clothing. It's up to God to say whether you have true faith or not... but based on your actions... I am inclined to believe that you are not genuine.

[WorldIsYours]

I don't really like you handing out this advice.

 

As someone who has a good amount of faith and takes it seriously... You don't just turn to God after cheating. You lied and were unrepentant for 3 years! Then you decide it's convenient to pray a bit?

 

We are all sinners and nobody is perfect, but I don't lie, cheat, and steal then turn to God when things go bad for me. If I do something wrong I repent and face consequences right away.

 

Also... I wouldn't cheat just because the sex was bland at the moment... nor would I turn down my SO, because I wanted to cheat later that day.

 

Bottom line: You act like a wolf in sheeps clothing. It's up to God to say whether you have true faith or not... but based on your actions... I am inclined to believe that you are not genuine.

 

Exactly and to top it off, she's still unremorseful for her cheating. She thinks all is well if her husband screws her good in the bed.

[AbeNormal]

I deleted this post - want to think about it some more. Apologies.

Edited March 29, 2011 by AbeNormal

[bentnotbroken]

I don't understand why he wants to know. I'd think it would make things worse for to hear the details come out of my mouth.

 

He said again last night, that if we take his cheating out of the equation, that he'd still want to leave me. That we wouldn't even be discussing things. So then for him now to forgive me and move forward, he's essentially admitting that his cheating balances things out and makes mine okay, or at minimum less bad in the end. Which based on the initial responses from most everyone to my original post, actually holds weight. Everyone was very much against me and calling me this and that and tearing me apart, and now that he has cheated too, things have lightened up. I'm not the horrible person I was, when it was just me that cheated and kept it from him.

 

There are just so many things running through my head right now. It's so up and down.

 

 

I can only answer for me. My imagination is so vivid....so for me the details were a relief. I am not one who believes his cheating balances anything out. I think he needs to own his sh%^ and face the issues you both have. He certainly can't slap you with mud without smearing some on himself. Tell your counselor everything.

[WorldIsYours]

I can only answer for me. My imagination is so vivid....so for me the details were a relief. I am not one who believes his cheating balances anything out. I think he needs to own his sh%^ and face the issues you both have. He certainly can't slap you with mud without smearing some on himself. Tell your counselor everything.

 

Mud fight!!

[bentnotbroken]

I don't really like you handing out this advice.

 

As someone who has a good amount of faith and takes it seriously... You don't just turn to God after cheating. You lied and were unrepentant for 3 years! Then you decide it's convenient to pray a bit?

 

We are all sinners and nobody is perfect, but I don't lie, cheat, and steal then turn to God when things go bad for me. If I do something wrong I repent and face consequences right away.

 

Also... I wouldn't cheat just because the sex was bland at the moment... nor would I turn down my SO, because I wanted to cheat later that day.

 

Bottom line: You act like a wolf in sheeps clothing. It's up to God to say whether you have true faith or not... but based on your actions... I am inclined to believe that you are not genuine.

 

 

As a Christian...we don't all get to the bolded point at the same time or the same way. God said ask in truth and honesty and you will receive his forgiveness. We always have his love, even those of us who sin. It doesn't matter whether we think anything is genuine...but it is up to us to point out that God is there is one wishes to pray. What's wrong with offering to pray for them if you feel they aren't doing a good enough job on their own?

 

I didn't lie, steal or cheat...but I did some pretty jacked up stuff for years and I have always believed in God. But it took awhile for me to want that relationship with him that made me want to do better. We all have to start somewhere.

[What_Next]

Regarding the details, is it uncomfortable, heck yes. However, if you want to stand any chance or recovering your marriage, then the truth, the COMPLETE truth is the only way. If he wants details, give them, all of them. Make it 100% clear to him though that he should only ask questions that he can cope with the answers to.

 

I understand that you may not want the details and that is understandable. That is your decision.

 

Good luck in your efforts.

[ShatteredReality]

I would say go ahead and answer his questions. If he asks you something you aren't comfortable answering tell him you aren't comfortable answering, that if you two decide to work out the marriage you will tell him, but that as of right now you simply don't want to discuss it. These things would be the more graphic details...he may think it's better to know than to imagine, but the truth is, once he knows he will continue to picture it again and again and it with further turn his stomach.

 

Whatever you do, don't lie. He will think you are lying if it's too tame...he will be unsure if he should believe you or not...that's why it's best to just tell him right out if you don't want to give him certain details. I was the WS in my marriage. My husband sat me down and asked every filthy detail of the whole sordid event. At the time, my guilt pushed me forward and I gave him exactly what he wanted...every detail. If I didn't go into detail enough he prodded me on and asked for more information. It was brutal. I cried while I told him...I felt sick with myself having to admit to him the position or the place or the way we kissed...those things...it still makes me feel ill to think of the things that I did with another man when I had a husband at home...but the worst part is, now I am not the only one who has to live with those images. He does too. Now if people in movies do the things that I described - especially if they are a woman cheating with a man who is at all similar to the the man I cheated with - he leaves the room or makes comments like "Is that how it was for you? Did you moan like that or gasp like that?" And it's been more than two years for us! For the most part we've moved on an we're happy...but it's those little speed bumps we're still going over that make it harder for ME to move past what I did. To say nothing of what it must be like for him. Even he admits now that he wished he didn't know all the details...that it was better to be unsure...at the time while he was unsure he didn't think so...but having been on both sides of that fence his mind is changed. If your H still wants to know all the details after this crucially emotional time has passed I would tell him...but right now it's purely an emotional request...

[soserious1]

ShatteredReality

 

Personally I think it's a GOOD thing that your husband notices and asks you if you behaved in that way with your affair partner. This keeps you in check, keeps you from getting too smug about your "recovery" Wayward spouses want to sweep the events of their affair away as quickly as possible. Your husband knowing ALL the details about just how big a pig you were and reminding you of that fact frequently is probably his only insurance that you won't be writhing and moaning beneath another man in the future.

[ShatteredReality]

ShatteredReality

 

Personally I think it's a GOOD thing that your husband notices and asks you if you behaved in that way with your affair partner. This keeps you in check, keeps you from getting too smug about your "recovery" Wayward spouses want to sweep the events of their affair away as quickly as possible. Your husband knowing ALL the details about just how big a pig you were and reminding you of that fact frequently is probably his only insurance that you won't be writhing and moaning beneath another man in the future.

 

Now that's not helpful one bit. If I've misunderstood then I apologize, but you've come across as judgemental and rude here. I am not in the least "smug" about any of what happened then. I own my transgression. I do not blame shift. I handled a bad situation even more poorly and have since lived with the consequences of my actions without once saying I didn't deserve it. What I was explaining to Sad was that, while I have those awful memories burned into my brain, now, so does he. It's bad enough that when I think of what I did I feel ill, he shouldn't have to go through that as well. He and I have come a long long way from where we once were - and I am sure to hear the story from start until that point many would have said we should have split and moved on from one another (as many are advising her to do). But we both saw something worth saving - back then him more than me actually - and now we're in a better place than I think we've ever been. To say that he should be constantly bringing up something that is supposed to be in the past and not relived over and over is the same as saying "never get over it" or "never move forward". It's unhealthy to think that way. Would you like for someone to bring up the things that you did wrong for years and years after the fact as though it were yesterday? Would that encourage you to move forward and behave like a changed or better person or would it discourage you into thinking you would only ever be seen for that awful thing you did in your past? Maybe we should all wear signs describing our various "sins" for all to see - to make sure we stay humble and never heal from the self inflicted wounds. Do you think that would be a more appropriate way to handle when someone does something wrong?

 

And he doesn't need to "keep me in check". What kind of life is that anyway? Constantly looking over your shoulder, waiting for the ball to drop again. I couldn't live that way - and neither can he. Trust had to be rebuilt. He has access to every account I own except this one. And he knows about this one - but respects that it's my one private thing. If he truly wanted to I'd let him come on here and read all of my posts...I haven't said anything on here that I haven't eventually spoken to him about - it just helps me get my thoughts in order. We both do a better job of guarding ourselves now.

[soserious1]

ShatteredReality

 

What I think is really "rude" behavior is cheating on one's spouse.

 

Sorry but your husband didn't get a chance to vote on whether or not he was okay with your choice to step outside your marriage, you now don't get to decide how fast or if he heals from your betrayal. At one point you clearly felt that throwing your husband away for a chance to jump in the sack with another man was a great idea, clearly your husband just wants to have a very vivid picture of exactly what you were so willing to betray him for, gives him a much better understanding of what's important to you after all.

 

And yes, I believe that once a person has shown themselves as willing to throw their spouse under the bus that they'll be all too likely to repeat the same in future.

[ShatteredReality]

ShatteredReality

 

What I think is really "rude" behavior is cheating on one's spouse.

 

Sorry but your husband didn't get a chance to vote on whether or not he was okay with your choice to step outside your marriage, you now don't get to decide how fast or if he heals from your betrayal. At one point you clearly felt that throwing your husband away for a chance to jump in the sack with another man was a great idea, clearly your husband just wants to have a very vivid picture of exactly what you were so willing to betray him for, gives him a much better understanding of what's important to you after all.

 

And yes, I believe that once a person has shown themselves as willing to throw their spouse under the bus that they'll be all too likely to repeat the same in future.

 

Ok...well when did I ever say having an affair wasn't rude? Or bad? or wrong? Or anything of the sort? I don't believe I ever left the impression that I felt it was the "right" thing to do, nor did I ever say it was a good idea. Even at the time I knew it wasn't a good idea. Him having a vivid picture of what went on made it more difficult for him to move forward. That's what HE says. I believe him. I also feel bad about that. Anything that makes it harder for him to heal and move forward makes me feel bad. Knowing what I did with that man doesn't equate to knowing what's important to me.

 

And you know what, you're right, he didn't have a choice whether or not I stepped out of my marriage back then. He did have a choice to stay with me or not. I did not beg him to stay or even ask him to. I had another place lined up to go stay. I broke things off with OM and got ready to move out and begin life on my own. I did not expect for one second that he'd "forgive" me or "give me a second chance". I didn't think it was possible to survive an affair...nor did I think we had a marriage worth saving. I was one of those naive people who didn't think it was possible for me to cheat on my husband. I naively thought that if I were truly that miserable with him I could just get up the strength to leave him before becoming involved with someone else. So after the things that happened I certainly didn't feel we would be able to remain married. I found myself smack in the middle of a train wreck. The emotional roller coaster was nothing short of the feeling you'd get if you were to eat an entire extra large greasy pizza and then step onto the gravitron and hang upsidedown while it spun you at unimaginable speeds. I know better now than to allow myself into any situation where I draw into a close relationship with any man other than my husband. Friendly exchanges are one thing, but my e-mail and phone are an open playing field for my husband to look at whenever he chooses. His is open to me as well. He has a journal he writes in for privacy and I have LS - apart from that everything else we do is open for the other to look into at their choosing. We do our best to practice prevention.

 

I'm one of those silly people who believes in tackling the problem at the root, not just picking at the symptoms. I also believe that if a person recognizes where they went wrong they have the ability to take steps to prevent it from happening again - especially if they drop the notion that it can't happen again.

 

But again...you're being judgemental - which is NEVER an attitude conducive to healing or progressing forward. A negative attitude breeds negativity. It's a shame I don't meet your high standards...and I am sure if you had your way I'd have been hung in the gallows for what I did without looking twice at the causes behind the emotional state I was in at the time...nor would you look at the progress I have made since...I suppose it's a good thing you're not who I answer to.

[ComputerJock]

Do you really think he doesn't think you could cheat again and that his heart skips a beat when your late or get a phone call? A BS will live with what you did for the rest of his life and can never feel 100% trust. A BS can only hope and pray for you to be faithful in the future. Those of us who are BS's will always have doubt and that is why many of us divorced the cheater. You killed his trust and love. Cheaters destroy marriages and stab their SO's in the heart and install distrust that will be carried by the BS to grave. YOur smug replies make me thing the damage is over, it's not and your BS may still kick you to the curb with the rest of the garbage.

[ShatteredReality]

Do you really think he doesn't think you could cheat again and that his heart skips a beat when your late or get a phone call? A BS will live with what you did for the rest of his life and can never feel 100% trust. A BS can only hope and pray for you to be faithful in the future. Those of us who are BS's will always have doubt and that is why many of us divorced the cheater. You killed his trust and love. Cheaters destroy marriages and stab their SO's in the heart and install distrust that will be carried by the BS to grave. YOur smug replies make me thing the damage is over, it's not and your BS may still kick you to the curb with the rest of the garbage.

 

Smug? Hmm...well certainly don't feel smug about what I've done. Indignant perhaps at being judged. All I was trying to do was offer Sad the advice of someone who's BS told her that knowing all the details wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I didn't say he has 100% trust in me. One of the things he learned from the various BS counselling sites and sessions he partook in was that trusting ones spouse 100% and believe they "can't" cheat has been the fall of many marriages. Knowing that allowing yourself to get into a dangerous situation and therefore preventing it is much wiser. If I am late I tell him I am going to be late. I also make sure he always knows where I am and who I am with. I go to an exercise class with a friend and once a month or every other month I go out with a group of girls for a couple hours - otherwise all plans are made with the intent he will be present. I also typically carpool to save gas for these things. Half the time I am driver and the other half my friend is. That's easily verified if he wants to read my texts, which are always right there for him. A lot of the time my hands are wet from cooking and I have to ask him to respond for me - if I were to start up an affair there would be some serious red flags I am sure since I have worked so hard to make my life such an open book to him now. Please don't negate all of our hard work just because you don't seem to believe marriages can survive affairs. That's unfair more to my husband than to me. Every year we get a little better and grow a little stronger. If I allow that one time in my life to define me for the rest of my life I will be no good to him - moving forward involves me trying to forgive myself as well. That's not being smug...that's trying to be a better wife for him.

[SadDazedConfused]

So we talked again last night and today. He is really trying to fit the timeline together of when things happened. When I first told him about wanting a divorce, when I told him I regretted marrying him, when we started counseling, when I cheated on him with either of the two men.

 

Well, my memory is a bit hazy, I think I tried my best to forget details, so I have been back and forth as far as when what happened with each guy. This really frustrates my husband, and it makes him think I am lying about things, which I can understand. I know I made out with the one guy on the two occasions before I went and slept with the 2nd man. Well my husband had confronted me about the first man while we were in counseling, so that means I slept with the 2nd man during counseling, and a week or two AFTER my husband had confronted me about having an affair with the 1st man. He is pretty upset to come to this realization. His low point and he believed ours, was when he found out about affair #1, and he thought things improved after that. That I had seen the light, and re-committed to our marriage. We continued in counseling and I guess were doing better, and then I still went and slept with man #2.

 

I feel terrible to have done that, and honestly I can't remember my mental state at the time, or why I would have done that.

 

He also asked if I had kissed anyone since that time. He hadn't asked me that question, and I hadn't provided that information. I admitted that I had made out with another man a few years ago. That I was drunk, and once I realized what I was doing, that I stopped and told the other man that I was married and this couldn't happen. I told him I regretted that it had happened, and felt awful about it.

[ShatteredReality]

How did he react to all of that Sad? Keep being honest with him. If you don't know the answer tell him so, but do it with honest conviction - he isn't going to believe you all the time, but it's the best you can do. My H and I had an agreement, if I didn't remember something, but then later remembered it, I could come to him and he would try his best not to take it out of context. Also - if I lied about something whether out of fear or shame - I was to try my best to come clean about it as quickly as possible and to explain why I lied or held back. This helped build trust as it was all very difficult to talk to him about any of it at the time. Just concentrate on being honest...at least then you can begin to feel a bit better about yourself.