New to this forum...I told him not to talk to me anymore

[DarkAngel7]

I will try to explain the situation.

I moved to a new city, was having fun. Guy sees me going to get lunch one day. Follows me into the restaurant(I had no clue). Orders lunch, then finally gets the courage to talk to me.This guy was so intrigued by me. He wanted to make things official very soon. I wasn't ready for this, I felt like I should get to know him better. I had also gotten out of a bad situation.

 

We were incredibly attracted to one another in all ways. He told me I am the most beautiful woman hes ever seen. He connected with me and loved my sense of humor. From day one he kept contacting me. He had been in a bad relationship before, for 4 years. He found out that the girl he was with, was dishonest and messing around a lot while he was busy with work. Because of this even from day 1, he would sometimes ask me weird questions. " Am I enough for you". Things along that line, it made me really mad but I soon learned why he asked those types of questions.

 

Fast forward 5 months. I told him I wasn't ready all that time, and when I was finally ready didn't want to initiate anything. I would ask him questions and he would avoid answering our status. He told me it was my fault I never wanted anything. BTW this whole time we had been exclusive. He always drove down to see me(lives about an hour away). Always called and texted me everyday. I soon started causing arguements all of the time because I became insecure.

 

He didn't understand why because I am what is considered "very attractive" by most standards. I am a college student but am constantly asked if I am a model. He would get frustrated and thiink I was crazy. I believe not knowing where things were going caused me to question why I wasn't good enough. He wanted me to move in with him but I said no I can't...for many reasons. This seems to have made him feel bad also. He always brings up me rejecting having a relationship earlier on.

 

We had now been together 8 months. I was constantly arguing and it caused him to withdraw. I didn't contact him the past week but he kept contacting me. He asked if he could come see me, and I told him I would get back to him on that. I decided why should he come see me? If he can't even tell me his feelings or is afraid why should he see me? He needs to know my worth. He then said "of course I don't want to lose a woman like you, but with how you are acting It's hard to put up with". Anyways I got tired of arguing and feeling that I am not the one for him like he had said before. Finally today I told him DO NOT TALK TO ME AGAIN! I JUST DELETED YOUR NUMBER. In a way I regret this...because what i really wanted was assurance and for him to fix things. He said he was trying to do that for me but I didn't see it. It has been hours now and I don't know if I overreacted or to stick with it?

If he really wants me will he contact me?

[DarkAngel7]

I feel like he may not see things from my perspective. I don't want him to just say oh shes EVIL! because of me deleting his number and saying don't talk to me anymore. He always seems to label me as this girl that wants more more more!

That is so not the case!

[DarkAngel7]

And also he mentioned to me on about three occasions that I am his ideal wife. He considers me "WIFE MATERIAL". I just dont understand what the heck is going on. I know he has a lot of stress financially right now, with his job and he had a rough year before he met me. Do you guys think that is why? His ex crashed into his car on purpose and stalked him for a while. Before that his little sister commited suicide. This is all before I even came into the picture. BTW he does not like talking about it, I have tried telling him to.

[Eddie Edirol]

You might have to retell your story here, youre emotional, and nothing you are saying here is making sense. From what I read, you want him to make it official before you move in with, but you didnt TELL him that, so he has no idea why you are withdrawing. You are highly over-reacting.

 

You cant give him a shyt test and then get mad when he fails. He cant read your mind. You want somethi8ng, you have to ask for it. if you want to officially be his girlfriend. You have to say "can we make this official." if he keeps saying no, and a label is what you think you need, THEN you can break it off. You argued with him and made him withdraw, that was your fault. So right now, he thinks youre crazy maybe. You used to be the one for him before you started acting out. You need to learn some maturity with communicating before you jump into another relationship. You ask for what you want, but if you dont get it, you dont stay with the guy.

 

See, saying "dont talk to me again" isnt going to make him try to fix things, its going to make him not talk to you again. Guys are literal, you cant speak like a woman to him.

 

So if you want to fix this, you have to call him and tell him why youve been acting out, apologize, and have a discussion like an adult. Then you will fix your situation.

Edited March 24, 2011 by Eddie Edirol

[DarkAngel7]

Thanks for your input Eddie...I will make it a little more clear

 

Yes he wanted to be my boyfriend early on, I however said no. I wasn't ready the times he asked. Then when I was ready, he kept bringing up the fact that I had rejected him.

 

He wanted us to live together, but I do not htink it is a good idea because of the arguements. I can't just live with someone when the relationship is suffering.

I don't know what his deal is...He says he cares so much for me etc. always wants to see me. He is one of those robot like people, he can't express himself. It is really getting to me and I tried and tried but it seemed he wouldn't change. Part of it was probably my approach.

 

If I call him I feel I will look more psycho, after telling him not to call me again and deleting his number.

[WTRanger]

As much as Hollywood, comedians, and other sources tend to have a jab at men and their "selective" hearing, when a girl tells him to never talk to her again that pretty much is one thing guys listen to.

 

Yes, you will look like a fool, but if you want to work things out it is up to you to make the first move. However, since you uttered those words, expect him to react very defensively if you try to talk to him.

 

The thing that really stands out is when he wanted to come see you near the end, presumably to figure things out, and you told him no. Then, less then 2 sentences later you complain that he can't tell you his feelings. Perhaps, he was going to but you shot him down before he could even try. You say you didn't know where things were going? How could you NOT know? He wanted to be exclusive. YOU shot him down. He wanted to move in. YOU shot him down. He knew exactly where he wanted this to go and TOLD you where he wanted this to go. YOU just couldn't figure anything out and poorly communicated that back to him.

 

How was he not expressing himself? Telling you he wants to be in an exclusive relationship, telling you he wants to move in, and telling you he cares about you, that's not expressing himself and his feelings? For what it's worth, the person who I thought couldn't express their feelings was you. Granted, I can only take from what you read. But you look like the emotionally locked down one, not him.

 

You need to make him see your worth? That stood out to me as a bloated comment that made no sense to me. But what takes the taco of no sense is this: Telling him to never talk to you again as a way of telling him that you just wanted assurance he was going to work things out is as idiotic as going into McDonalds and ordering a fish sandwich, then yelling at the manager because you really wanted a Big Mac.

 

So, either swallow your pride and reach out to him and, God forbid, admit your faults or learn form this and move on. I don't think he's going to come contacting you anytime soon. His comments lean that way. Especially when he said you are not worth the trouble. Basically a guys way of saying, "Yes you are beautiful and I'm lucky to have you, but you are way too much drama for what I'm getting out of the deal." Guys will do a lot of stupid things for a girls attention, even dumber things for sex, but most of us draw the line at playing silly mind games.

[timchambo]

I agree with WTRanger on this. I had a hard time following, but do not expect him to call. If you want to give this a shot, contact him. I think, at least in my case and friends as well, he is saying and interprets what you saying literally. He doesn't care for games. He is probably hurt and all that you deleted his number, but you will need to find it and call him back if you this has any chance of working out. He probably thinks your a psycho for deleting his number, but would think higher of you if you put your emotions in check and called him back with a level head.

[DarkAngel7]

I called him last night and he seemed kind of distant. Found out he was taking an exam online or something...

 

Today he randomly texts me asking if I work today...he wants to come see me. I told him he could come. I figure it's better to speak in person regardless...

 

I know this all seems confusing to you guys. Yes I wasn't ready, but like I said I didnt expect to fall for him like this. I feel like now that it happened, it seems hes not as eager anymore. Everyone is telling me it is the constant rejection I gave him that made it this way. Can't he get over it? It's not like I was messing with other guys, since we've met it has only been him. I just wasn't ready to take it to the next level.

[depplover_1980]

You need to be less self centred and a little more empathetic to how he may be feeling. For instance it was fine for you to 'not be ready' but he should 'just get over it'. Go meet him, but make sure you actually listen to his needs and don't just tell him what you want, otherwise you'll lose him.

[DarkAngel7]

Okay so I took some advice from you all. I do understand this story is very confusing, and I sound like I am so self centered. I think it is coming off that way because he was one way towards me for so long, and now that he isn't as concerned with me(or acting like he isn't) it is just like WTF???? What changed about me? This guy was totally smitten/connected/in love with me. Like I said he told me early on that I am his perfect wife material. My insecurity caused him to back further and further away. Was I right for my insecurity? Let's just say yes and no. I could have handled it much better. The guy never cheated or anything...I just started to wonder why he wasn't acting the same. He claimed it was his work situation and everything stressing him out, but I chose to believe some girlfriends that said "work wouldn't make a guy act that way". He fell inlove with me for how free spirited I was, I actually went into the whole thing not expecting any outcome. He is the one that wanted it to be more structured.

 

I feel I havn't been myself, riddled with stupid insecurity. I kept asking him about his ex, which he broke up with and wants nothing to do with. I kept comparing our relationship to theirs, etc. He even told me on many times that he can't even compare me to her because he thinks im much better in every way. The sad part is I think I did some things that kind of made me think I may be more like her than he had thought. I freaked out of anger and called him until he answered, said TERRIBLE THINGS....very terrible. I feel so jaded...all of this because of what I went through a couple years ago. I got pregnant with my boyfriend and had a misscarriage, and he abandoned me. Left me somewhere that I had no friends or anything. When this guy kind of backed off, I was reminded of that. Especially because where I moved, my friends are very far away. I guess it triggered a really extreme reaction. I know it is sooo wrong.

 

Anyways he texts me still. I mean he came over on thursday and we watched a movie played scrabble and had sex fell asleep together. I could see how attracted to me he was...he said it was hard to handle. He kept on smelling my hair, and just touching my body. The thing is I tried not to talk very much that night, because we have different ways of dealing with things. He is all about just taking action and changing, I always want to talk things out first. Well the next morning He got up for work so did I, he kissed me like 50 times from my forhead to my shoulders, and said talk to you later? I said yea.

 

So later on I texted him and I felt weird, he said he did too. Something was off. I felt wrong like why did we have sex with all the issues? I got paranoid, that he was using me for that only. He said no way...but I accused him of treating me like a whore etc. I demanded him to come over so we can talk it through like we should have. He said " drive all the way down there, talk, then drive all the way an hour back up north home"? I said yes is it that hard? You always come down like a couple times a week just to see me...hes like im not going to do all of that... you're going to work in a little while its pointless. So i threw a HUGE FIT. I told him if he cared about anythiing he would be an adult and come talk about things. Nope. So i texted him a lot of really terrible things as he ignored me. I was really crying and hurt...I felt like he treated me like some random whore. I remember when I was just upset over something silly and he used to beg me to come over and make me feel better, even when I said id rather be alone. I literally felt ill yesterday, I felt rejected and hurt.

I said the worst things you can say to someone, and apologized later. I know I have issues with dealing with anger. We used to never even get angry, there was no need to!!!!

 

So he told me yesterday that he feels like things are never going to change. Then he asked if im ok. He said "man I wish you could come" I said why? He said " I made dinner and im watching comedys". I had just gotten off work, but that confused me. Like why would he even want to see me after all of that?

 

This morinng I texted him back saying how awful I felt(sick). He asked why, and said it was weird that I was sick. He then called me, and said why do u sound emotional? You sound like you're gonna cry. I just told him I am upset about a lot of things, how it seems like less than a year ago i was so optomistic about everything...and now its like everything including our relationship isn't what I had expected it to be. He said yea " I don't understand how what we had turned into this" He just seemed so weirded out by it all. He said he was going to go eat. Then he texted me and said "someone just hit my car. so u shouldnt be upset" I told him that I don't wish misfortune upon anyone, despite how mean I sounded the other day.

 

He told me he was reading at the beach, and that it sucked. He asked if I was home. I said yes and he said "Just wondering, I hope you are having a good day".

 

Basically what I want to know from some of you experts...I understand in life somethings are not meant to be. I do feel that in this relationship it was given a big disadvantage. We are both going through the most stressful things ever. It is a lot to explain but our lives were ripped apart, and somehow we met. At first it was like cool it doesn't matter. Somewhere it just became so stressful dealing with things. He always tells me that he knows that he should treat me the way he was earlier on but with his situation hes always busy, working, stressed. He said once it changes (which is what hes working on) that everytihng would be perfect. I want to know from you experts if this relationship could be saved? Obviously neither one of us hates eachother. Some people say time heals...do you guys think that if we just don't see each other and work on our own things that it can be saved later on?

 

How long would we need to do that? From the way he is texting etc. do you think he still cares for me? I don't know what to do from here. It would be idiotic to try the same thing again...

[DarkAngel7]

just wanted to Bump this

[WTRanger]

If you want my honest opinion, I think you need to remove yourself from the dating pool and work on your insecurities. You'll tank every future relationship, and you'll continue to torpedo this one, if you keep throwing fits. I know it sounds bad, but you really sound like a handful. I know you may have had a hard past but it's zero excuse to take it out on current and future guys.

 

But for a more global take on your post.

 

You are also listening to the wrong people. You ignore, or choose to not believe the guy when he says work is stressful and it is causing his behavior. Yet listen to your girlfriends who have NO IDEA what that guy is going through. Yes, work can make a person act strange. When you deal with a stressful work situation all day, the very last thing a person needs is someone who throws fits at the drop of a hat. You don't need stress at work and stress at home. So, yeah, I can see why be is backing off. I would too.

 

Even after your last post, I'm still lost as to what you want. Your relationship can't be saved until you deal with your own self. Even this last post, it's all about you. You want him to worship the ground you walk on and bend over backwards if you have a hangnail. Yet, he's not allowed to deal with work, stress, or his general life if it takes his attention away from you. He tested the waters the night he came over, but how you reacted the next day just told him more than words ever would that you are still not worth the trouble.

 

Usually the person throwing a childish fit has no right to accuse another person of not being an adult.

[DarkAngel7]

WTranger

The whole reason I was hesitant about getting close with him to begin with was because I felt I still had some existing issues. To be fair though, I am not reacting to nothing. The problem is how dramatic my reaction is.

 

I also starting seeing a counselor. It is really expensive for me, especially since I am a student but I know it is important. It's weird because I guess its only once I really start to get attached to the person that I become insecure. Before that I was the most awesome person to be around.

 

I guess what I wanted to know is, if this relationship could be saved. He is still texting me and we havn't said goodbye/broken anything off. Why is this? With how I have acted why doesn't he hate me? He told me he could never hate me... I have no clue how to go about this in a positive way.

 

As far as his life, I do want things to get better for him. I even made a big step and offered something that was a very big deal. I want to make him feel like a man, I want him to be happy. He says that I am trying to control everything, I really dont want to! It got to that point because I guess I felt things were going downhill and I needed to try to fix things. My intentions were always good, and when he failed to see that I got so hurt and went nuts.

[WTRanger]

Stop making excuses and realize your actual behavior. Did you have good intentions when you called him every name in the book? How about accusing him of treating you like a 2-bit whore? Was that an example of your good intentions? Once again, you think your intentions are good but you are failing to actually listen to the guy. You think you know best so when your action doesn't work exactly like you want it to, you go off and start World War 3. I'm sure Hitler thought he had good intentions as well, so that's a pretty poor argument.

 

You are reacting over nothing. It seems like something to you, but you've blown it completely out of proportion in your mind which leads to your explosive reactions. He has had every right in the book to wipe the pavement with you and leave you a blubbering mess. But he hasn't. So why are you flipping out on him?

 

You two are old enough to stop texting and actually do this in person. You need to have a come to terms talk between the two of you. Where do you see this going and where does he see it going. Part of your issues could be arising from you not actually knowing what the two of you are. And above all, listen to him.

[Thatguyintx]

Dark,

 

Bravo for getting counseling. You need to become more secure with yourself and you are taking the steps to get there.

 

I can tell you i was with a very insecure woman. She demanded time from me regardless of my ability to give it. I could work a 16 hour day and have only two hours to sleep before working another 16 hour day. If that two hours wasn't spent talking with her, she threw a fit. It was very draining on me.

 

I spent the whole relationship hoping she would begin to feel more secure. The insecurities seemed to be the only issue that kept haunting us. It never was resolved. She had one more insecurity "fit" and I called it quits. It killed me to do so.

 

You sound very similar to my ex. Please get yourself healed from your insecurities. You will never know what life can offer you carrying that heavy baggage.

[DarkAngel7]

WTranger- Yes I do realize how bad my actions are. That is why I am getting help from a professional. I know that most women would get a little upset/mad, but yes the way I am reacting is not appropriate or even normal.

 

I also think you are right about part of the problems coming from me not knowing where things are headed. It is just so odd since he was the one that so badly wanted to be a couple and live together all that time. All this crazyness has taken away from any progress, so I don't blame him right now for being freaked out. He told me straight up I am the perfect woman for him MINUS the recent crazy fits.

 

Thatguyintx I know how hard it had to be dealing with her. I really hate having this baggage, I feel like it ruins me. I am trying my hardest to get rid of it. I think WTranger said it earlier...even if it doesn't work out with this guy ANY relationship I am in will be ruined by this insecurity.

[WTRanger]

Like I said, just talk with him about where you two are headed. I hope that both of you are on the same page about where you want this to go. If not, then you really need to commit to not being around each other. If you two both want different things, then it's too volatile with raw emotions to stay friends. IE, it wouldn't be much different than where you are now in terms of confusion.

 

And as I've also said, I'm betting a lot of your insecurities are triggered by not knowing if this is a relationship or not. I've been in a few of those before and it is very confusing and it does things to your mind. It feels like a relationship, and all of the signs are there. But it's not. It's beyond confusing for someone to deal with, so in a sense I don't blame you for going off the wire sometimes.

 

For your crazy fits, they are easily controlled. Now that you are more aware of them and how they come about, simply try to take a step back before your next one. When you feel it start to come on, take a deep breath and really try to focus on why you feel this way. Sometimes in the split second to take a deep breath, it defuses the fit coming on and you can react a bit more calmly.

[DarkAngel7]

Well it looks like the talk will never happen. I called him, no answer. I texted and he said " I am chilling, not trying to argue". Man that made me so furious. It's like I don't want to argue, but when he does that it makes me want to argue. If he would talk about things and express himself things would have been so much easier.

It is safe to say we are over. If he wanted to fix things he would call me or come to talk about it. I think he got to the point that he feels I wont leave. He feels like I will just wait and do things on his terms. I can't take this as I feel powerless right now. I have been sad all weekend which is so unecessary. To make it worse he knows exactly what I am going through right now as far as my life situation. He called yesterday to say he cares etc. I feel like this is some big weird game. I know NC is usually for a break up, but I am thinking maybe I should do that.

I just don't feel right anymore. I try to do good and it gets shot down to hell. Whenever I suck it up and act calm and nice I get no results. The worst part of all of this is that it was all his idea. If it were up to him we would have probably been living together and engaged by now. Then how much worse would this have been?