guilty but ex is saving my marriage!

[reservoirdog1]

Never in the years I've been married did I cheat or even thought about it. Its just when my ex came into the picture at a time I was very vulnerable that this happened. And believe me I told him there's no way anything would happen. Also I thought he was married with a child. Otherwise I would have never met up with him but would have kept it casual.

 

We have inexplicable chemistry and always have. Someone mentioned that its like a drug, its a terrible addiction.

 

Yes, we are just sex. we were never anything more. Never friends even or ever could be. And I would never leave my H even if I was madly in love with OM.

 

I need to get out of this A. But how?

You delete his phone number and email address, you de-friend him on facebook. If he calls, you hang up immediately. If you see him in person, you cross to the other side of the street. You avoid him like the plague.

 

But that still leaves the question of your husband, to whom you owe the truth. I don't hold out much hope for you owning your shyt, given that you say you wouldn't leave your husband even if you were in love with the OM. Basically, you're a classic cake-eater. You want both, and you don't care if you desecrate your marriage in order to have both.

 

Grow up, for god's sake. Adults sometimes have to make tough choices between two things when they can't have both. Stop blaming this on some fictional "addiction" and pretending you don't have control over your actions.

 

But in the off chance that you grow some guts, pull your head out of your ass and decide to do the right thing, hopefully you'll come clean with your husband. Right now you're planning on having a baby with him, and thereby tying him for the rest of his life to a wife who really doesn't respect him or care about him at all. In short, you're intending to make decisions about the course of HIS LIFE that you have absolutely no right to make. Do you really think you're the only person whose feelings/opinion matter in this?

 

Your husband has the absolute right to know who he's about to procreate with. You're denying him that right, quite casually it seems. What is the matter with you that you don't see that?

 

Give your head a shake, woman. Jesus.

[Steadfast]

I read posts like this and think 'troll'. But she's responded twice, which is not troll like. Sadly, it's probably true, but even if it isn't the mindset displayed by this woman is becoming common.

 

True story; I once had lunch with a former co-worker who was cheating, and planned on leaving her husband. She knew my history and wanted to know what is 'possible reaction' could be. In addition, she asked for advice on how to protect herself financially and what kind of custody would get her the most money (for the least amount of time spent with the kids).

 

This poster makes her look like a saint.

 

I read somewhere that more and more people are living 'television' lives; high drama with increasingly outrageous scenarios. This unfortunately has become a part of our culture; a desensitized attitude that thinks nothing of putting another person through the meat grinder if it suits their purposes. Sometimes, it's just to break the boredom! Society is facing a high price.

 

So OP, think long and think hard about what you've done, and are doing. You worry about your husband's reaction and I don't blame you. But what you should really fear is what you've become. People come and go, but you have to live with yourself. You are destroying lives.

[What_Next]

I still think this is a troll, but just in case it isn't, for heavens sake lady are you really as selfish as you seem?

 

Tell your husband about your affair. With any luck he'll go and beat the ___ out of your OM and take care of him contacting you.

 

As for you, well let's hope he tosses you out like the trash you are.

 

I'd actually pay my own money out of pocket to support HIM in any way he needed. I know this is only an anonymous forum, but what you are doing and how you are acting is 100% disgusting. You are acting like a street walker. Does your OM buy you dinner before banging you? Or do you negotiate the fee up front?

[bentnotbroken]

I read posts like this and think 'troll'. But she's responded twice, which is not troll like. Sadly, it's probably true, but even if it isn't the mindset displayed by this woman is becoming common.

 

True story; I once had lunch with a former co-worker who was cheating, and planned on leaving her husband. She knew my history and wanted to know what is 'possible reaction' could be. In addition, she asked for advice on how to protect herself financially and what kind of custody would get her the most money (for the least amount of time spent with the kids).

 

This poster makes her look like a saint.

 

I read somewhere that more and more people are living 'television' lives; high drama with increasingly outrageous scenarios. This unfortunately has become a part of our culture; a desensitized attitude that thinks nothing of putting another person through the meat grinder if it suits their purposes. Sometimes, it's just to break the boredom! Society is facing a high price.

 

So OP, think long and think hard about what you've done, and are doing. You worry about your husband's reaction and I don't blame you. But what you should really fear is what you've become. People come and go, but you have to live with yourself. You are destroying lives.

 

 

I also read something similar. It is the "me" attitude, especially in western cultures.:(Sadly I think it will only get worse.

[Memphis Raines]

No it wouldn't bother me if I found out my H had a one time thing.

 

as long as he doesn't have an ongoing thing like you do with the OM?

 

 

Just wish it was easy to break the A off.

 

 

it is easy, you just don't want to do it. you break it off, deal with your withdrawal, and do right by your husband. Be a wife. I don't care how happy you think he is, you are not being a good wife to him by having an OM on the side.

 

don't you think your husband deserves better than this?

[Memphis Raines]

And I would never leave my H even if I was madly in love with OM.

 

Then I guess your husaband will just have to unknowingly be with a wife that disrespects him, lies to him, cheats on him, and will never truly be faithful to him, whether physically, emotionally, or in spirit.

 

Hopefully something happens to where your husband has the information he needs to make a decision on whether or not to stay with you, rather than you lying to him and making the decision for him.

[Memphis Raines]

Just wish it was easy to break the A off. It's energy depleting and making me unproductive with work. I've even thought of finding another guy/girl just to take my mind off the OM.

 

OMG.

 

Ok, to all the people in this thread. After reading this, I think we need to stop responding to her. She is never going to change.

[weedsandposies]

On this forum I'm finding people very harsh. SERIOUSLY people? You've never had flings? Nonetheless, I'm listening to your advice.

 

I never thought of myself as the person most of you are describing here. And my husand isn't the angel you guys think either. But he is a very good husband. One thing I must say is I will NEVER admit to the A and put H in a position where he could get in trouble or face negative consequences. This is my problem. The only person to suffer should be me. The blame is on me.

 

Ok! I cancelled my facebook account for now. But haven't deleted his contact info yet. Also, I'm going to make up an excuse not to see the OM. He's leaving on a business trip so I'll have time to think about a more concrete way of getting him out of my life. Should be easy physically we have different social circles. Emotionally/Mentally will be difficult.

 

Most married women I have spoken to about this have confessed there own OM(s) on the side. But none have ongoing relationships, which I guess is where the problems start. That is why I thought maybe a "distraction" on the side would remedy the situation and make it easy for me to break off the A.

 

Ironically, all my single friends think I'm crazy for messing up my marriage.

[betterdeal]

It's just an idea, but if you could get from your husband what you got from the other guy, how does that sound?

[Memphis Raines]

No, never had a fling.

 

You aren't the person we are describing? and you try to tell us that you've never done this before, as if it is suppose to make some sort of difference?

 

You told us that you are thinking about finding another affair partner just to get your mind off of your current OM.

 

So yes, you are the person we are describing. you are in a section of this website that people for the most part are dealing with the pain that have been dealt to them by people like yourself.

 

and if you came here with the request for help to no longer betray your husband, you may get different responses.

 

but you are not. not only are you not going to tell him, you will keep lying to him, you will keep your OM on the side for sex, and you said you thought about finding someone else to get your mind off the OM.

 

what did you expect? For us to tell you that its ok to keep someone on the side for sex until you can change? or that its ok to start another affair to get over the current one? really?

[betterdeal]

Lots of people have lovers and partners and it works for them. I'm not sure why you're feeling guilty, but if that's a permanent feeling then maybe finding ways to bring into your marriage the things that appeal about the other guy will make your life happier.

[SoulStorm]

On this forum I'm finding people very harsh.

 

Well on this forum we are finding that what you are doing is harsh.

If you are dealing with married women who have OM(s)..then you need new friends. Guess what will happen once their spouses find out? Maybe some of the spouses don't care, but for those who do your friends will catch holy hades.

 

 

Ok! I cancelled my facebook account for now. But haven't deleted his contact info yet. Also, I'm going to make up an excuse not to see the OM. He's leaving on a business trip so I'll have time to think about a more concrete way of getting him out of my life. Should be easy physically we have different social circles. Emotionally/Mentally will be difficult.

 

 

 

 

How about just saying I am choosing my marriage and I don't want any more contact with you..ever.

 

It's that simple. Then go through withdrawals..which won't be easy.

You need to tell your husband or you will still be living a deceitful life. I guess that's what you want. You are systematically destroying your own marriage because it appears you have no idea how to live honestly.

[weedsandposies]

betterdeal- last summer a friend of mine did warn me about starting an A, her advice was exactly what is happening now- confusion, all my thinking and energy devoted to OM. She said I would be better off putting the time to working on my marriage. At that time H and I were planning to separate. I jumped into the A.

 

H then wanted to work on the marriage so I told him we need to spend more time together, going on dates, less fighting, etc. There were rough patches but overall it's working.

 

At that same time I told OM that I won't be seeing him anymore because I want to work on my marriage. That breakup lasted less than a week.

 

I wish it was simple. OM and I have history and chemistry. I've been reading this forum for a couple of weeks now, especially the withdrawals. It's when I get weak and go back to OM. Mind you I know OM isn't taking me back because he's in love with me. There is no love between us, no one's fooling anyone here.

 

Any ideas what I could tell OM so that he never contacts me again? What do I do about withdrawals? I'm so weak when it comes to him.

 

I've decided I'm not going to contact OM about our plans for the weekend, when he contacts me I'll make up any excuse.

[weedsandposies]

Also, I'm changing things in my life. Changing the decor in our house and starting a new business. Should be a good distraction.

 

If I thought OM and the A were important enough to destroy my marriage, which it would end it, I would tell H. My relationship with OM isn't worth it.

[Memphis Raines]

what difference does it make? why worry about ending it with OM when you thought about starting up another affair to get over that one?

 

its not like you are going to change based on what you have said. so why don't you just continue to betray your husband? afterall, you said the affair is helping your marriage right? so why stop? you wanted another one to help leave this one.

 

better yet, why not suggest that you and your husband have an open relationship? That way he can go out on the weekends and get him some to be fair?

[SoulStorm]

You are robbing your husband of a chance to make an informed decision on whether or not he wants to stay with you.

You are making that decision for him.

YOU are saying OM isn't worth it..must be worth it enough that you find it hard to stay away.

 

Somebody has to the mature thing here. you've been living rather immaturely for a bit, don't you think it's time you own up and be mature about this.

[weedsandposies]

Memphis- that is another option, yes. Keeping OM and seeing him much less. He makes me want my H more. That is the truth.

[weedsandposies]

You are robbing your husband of a chance to make an informed decision on whether or not he wants to stay with you.

You are making that decision for him.

YOU are saying OM isn't worth it..must be worth it enough that you find it hard to stay away.

 

Somebody has to the mature thing here. you've been living rather immaturely for a bit, don't you think it's time you own up and be mature about this.

 

But don't you think it's better for him to be happy by not knowing? Who's getting hurt here? No one.

[betterdeal]

Any ideas what I could tell OM so that he never contacts me again?

 

That you have AIDS? That you're ending things and would like for him to help you revive your marriage by not contacting you?

 

What do I do about withdrawals? I'm so weak when it comes to him.

 

Treat it like giving up smoking. Take one day at a time. Find a sympathetic friend and discuss your cravings with her or him when you have them. Let them know your goal. If they can give you support (as in literally praising you when you reach your daily, weekly, monthly targets) it can help you a lot.

 

I've decided I'm not going to contact OM about our plans for the weekend, when he contacts me I'll make up any excuse.

 

Hmm, that sounds like an excuse in itself. You're hanging onto him and you appear to want him to do the severing. Perhaps telling him the truth (as in please don't contact me again, I'm going to revive my marriage) and see how that goes.

[Minnie09]

But don't you think it's better for him to be happy by not knowing? Who's getting hurt here? No one.

 

Excuse me? The real problem here is that you're seriously lacking respect for your H. You're making a fool out of him. Sure, he can't be "hurt"

as long as he doesn't know, but he'll eventually sense something. And if not, let me tell you that the way you're disrespecting your H tremendously by withholding substantial information from him, is a nastier way to crap all over him than simply hurting him with the truth.

Plus, how do you know he will be hurt? Maybe he's going to be relieved?!? I can assure you that I would definitely be relieved. There's nothing worse in an intimate R than being disrespected and lied to by the one you trust the most.

[Memphis Raines]

Memphis- that is another option, yes. Keeping OM and seeing him much less. He makes me want my H more. That is the truth.

 

well the truth CAN set your husband free. but you aren't interested in your husband being free or respected.

[bentnotbroken]

On this forum I'm finding people very harsh. SERIOUSLY people? You've never had flings? Nonetheless, I'm listening to your advice.

 

I never thought of myself as the person most of you are describing here. And my husand isn't the angel you guys think either. But he is a very good husband. One thing I must say is I will NEVER admit to the A and put H in a position where he could get in trouble or face negative consequences. This is my problem. The only person to suffer should be me. The blame is on me.

 

Ok! I cancelled my facebook account for now. But haven't deleted his contact info yet. Also, I'm going to make up an excuse not to see the OM. He's leaving on a business trip so I'll have time to think about a more concrete way of getting him out of my life. Should be easy physically we have different social circles. Emotionally/Mentally will be difficult.

 

Most married women I have spoken to about this have confessed there own OM(s) on the side. But none have ongoing relationships, which I guess is where the problems start. That is why I thought maybe a "distraction" on the side would remedy the situation and make it easy for me to break off the A.

 

Ironically, all my single friends think I'm crazy for messing up my marriage.

 

 

Says a lot about the people you hang out with. Birds of a feather and all that. Your thought patterns are suspect, disrespectful and childish. Harsh or not..you don't need a child to raise to unleash on the rest of the world.

 

Whether your husband is an angel or not....it does not exempt your questionable behavior.

[reservoirdog1]

But don't you think it's better for him to be happy by not knowing? Who's getting hurt here? No one.

His marriage is being shyt all over by his supposedly faithful wife. He IS getting hurt -- he just doesn't know it yet.

 

You want an illustrative comparison? Pancreatic cancer. By the time it shows symptoms, in most cases, it's too late to do anything about it.

 

You say you're never going to tell him. Who knows, you might succeed in that; you might be able to prevent your conscience from kicking into gear and making you feel guilty about what you're doing. Or it might kick into gear, and you might be able to carry the guilt in silence.

 

The problem is that you're not the only one who knows. Your OM knows. Sounds like most of your girlfriends know. The married ones have probably gossiped about you to their friends and husbands. Plus, with emails, FB messages, texts, and phone logs, the likelihood that you've completely covered your tracks so as to prevent your husband from finding out is basically nil. Ever heard the expression "bad news has legs"? It's true -- gossip spreads at a geometric rate, because people love a scandal. They are already talking about you and what you're doing. Some are even expressing sympathy for your betrayed husband, feeling like they're caught in the middle and wondering if they should clue him in, since you won't.

 

So, that leaves a pretty freaking huge possibility that he'll find out one day, whether you stay quiet about it or not. And when he does, from the sounds of things, you'll already have children, whose little lives will potentially be torn apart when their parents divorce. And you'll have deceived him into being married to you, and into building a fraudulent marriage and family life based on lies. Which do you imagine will be worse for him? Finding out then, after there's kids in the mix, or finding out now?

[SoulStorm]

But don't you think it's better for him to be happy by not knowing? Who's getting hurt here? No one.

 

Ok. I've been giving you 2x4's for your behavior. I'm going to give you some words of wisdom.

 

I have been dealing with infidelity problems for years. On this forum and others.

Keeping this a secret is a short term fix to a long term problem.

 

So he doesn't know, but you do.

If you have any conscience at all it will eat at you. For years. You will hide it, but will become angry deep down at yourself and ashamed deep down at yourself.

This will cause you not to completely open up to your BH (betrayed husband)this will also cause you to have deep seated anger and bitterness that will be directed at the wrong people.

 

Getting it out is said to alleviate you of guilt and selfish..so what if it is..you need to be healed in order to be able to heal your marriage.

 

Your BH will then have information that he already may feel he needs. He may be already suspicious, just not saying anything.

 

This will do 1 of 2 things.

Break you up or draw you closer.

 

In most cases it is not the infidelity that destroys the marriage..it is the lies and trickle truths that really destroy a marriage.

 

You say you don't want to lose your BH..that is a selfish statement according to what you have done and continue to do.

 

You can't even get rid of all the contact info..another item that suggests that you are not 100% in your marriage.

 

You say you don't want to lose him, but you have one foot out the door by being this deceitful.

[Memphis Raines]

But don't you think it's better for him to be happy by not knowing? Who's getting hurt here? No one.

 

Its better for him to not be with someone like you. Its ridiculous to justify your behavior on the basis that he doesn't know. ridiculous and sickening.