tami-chan Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 She cheated with someone who was supposed to be my friend for three months, the whole summer last year. She's been trying to be remorseful but I don't want to deal with her no more. I layed it out on her last night. Told her about my resentment, how my anger is not subsiding and how she messed up everything, to how she treated me shortly after I found out about her and that bastard. Told her that sex with her is disgusting and that it reminds me of her affair. She told me she was very sorry for doing this to me and that she hopes I let her continue showing me that she will put me first. I said no she's of no value to me and I will divorce her. I left her in the bed to cry and slept downstairs. I ignored her all day today. I'm mad, the end. I can totally understand this. When I found out my H cheated, that was the end of my sexual attraction to him. My H said stuff like "but it was JUST sex"...like it was supposed to diminished the betrayal. I think you need to redefine your life and work on your anger towards her. Indifference is better. I know, it takes time..but don't be consumed by it (not saying that you are). Good for you for deciding to get a divorce. Many people after a traumatic betrayal still do not know what to do-but you do. It is also wonderful to know someone like you who is hurt and still angry have not lost sight of the fact that you have a little girl who needs protection from all the negativity in your house. You are a good guy....I wish you fast healing and joy! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Notspoken Posted March 27, 2011 Author Share Posted March 27, 2011 Ever hear the phrase "actions speak louder than words"? DreamingofTigers is right.... she wants to keep your marriage in tact and your having sex with her gives her false hope. No it doesn't, because I told her to not get her hopes up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Notspoken Posted March 27, 2011 Author Share Posted March 27, 2011 It is also pretty damn hurtful to sleep with someone and then tell them "that's it." My husband pulled that crap with me. Well that's how you feel. You think sex equals emotion. Well in my case it doesn't. She may have hurt you really really badly, but that doesn't give you the right to do that back. I didn't know it was wrong for me to **** my own wife. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 Well that's how you feel. You think sex equals emotion. Well in my case it doesn't. That would be how women are inherently designed. Check out The Female Brain. I didn't know it was wrong for me to **** my own wife. If you are solidly leaving her and she has hopes of reconciling and you say simply: "don't get your hopes up" instead of, "I just want to ****, there is no way in Hell I am changing my mind." Then yeah, for her it is more then a ****, it is a mind-****. Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I find it so hilarious that this guy is getting negative feedback from 3 female cheaters on how he's wrong for using his own wife to get a nut off, trying to make it seem as though he cheated, when his wife double-crossed him. So what he screwed her, end of story. No big deal. Lay off of it. As long as he's still leaving the 304 then that's all that matters. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I didn't know it was wrong for me to **** my own wife. I'm with you, Notspoken. You plan to leave, but you are still there, and you are still married. Why shouldn't you have consensual sex with your wife, if you are still together? Lots of couples have residual sex during the process of splitting up (and even after). I'm really sorry about your situation. It sounds like you tried to get past it, and just can't. Sounds fair to me. You'll probably be much better off in a fresh relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Notspoken Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 If you are solidly leaving her and she has hopes of reconciling and you say simply: "don't get your hopes up" instead of, "I just want to ****, there is no way in Hell I am changing my mind." Then yeah, for her it is more then a ****, it is a mind-****. Not every woman thinks that way so like I said, it doesn't matter in my case. And I don't recall putting a gun to her head for sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Notspoken Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 I find it so hilarious that this guy is getting negative feedback from 3 female cheaters on how he's wrong for using his own wife to get a nut off, trying to make it seem as though he cheated, when his wife double-crossed him. So what he screwed her, end of story. No big deal. Lay off of it. As long as he's still leaving the 304 then that's all that matters. Thanks WorldIsYours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Notspoken Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 I'm with you, Notspoken. You plan to leave, but you are still there, and you are still married. Why shouldn't you have consensual sex with your wife, if you are still together? Lots of couples have residual sex during the process of splitting up (and even after). I'm really sorry about your situation. It sounds like you tried to get past it, and just can't. Sounds fair to me. You'll probably be much better off in a fresh relationship. Exactly!! I don't regret doing it either. It's just two married people having sex with each other and there shouldn't be an explanation to it. Doesn't change my position on leaving her. And I stayed for a considerable amount of time trying to work this out with her so I deserve my credit when it is due. I still love her to a degree, so I don't hate her. There will always be love there for our daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
Lorelei_Lane Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 WorldIsYours not all the people that have suggested he stop having sex with her are cheaters, at least one of them was a BS. Although I don't agree with it... we can't really control nor tell him what to do... only suggest it. Don't blow things out of proportion, give him your advice and leave it be. Don't start attacking other people, that's exactly what's wrong with this forum right now. Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 WorldIsYours not all the people that have suggested he stop having sex with her are cheaters, at least one of them was a BS. Although I don't agree with it... we can't really control nor tell him what to do... only suggest it. Don't blow things out of proportion, give him your advice and leave it be. Don't start attacking other people, that's exactly what's wrong with this forum right now. Sorry LL, but these double standards and sexism is getting ridiculous on this board. If anyone's getting "attacked" it's this guy, simply because he had sex with his wife because he was horny. Especially when he's the good guy here. There are a lot of men on this board who need to be more like him. Link to post Share on other sites
Lorelei_Lane Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Sorry LL, but these double standards and sexism is getting ridiculous on this board. If anyone's getting "attacked" it's this guy, simply because he had sex with his wife because he was horny. Especially when he's the good guy here. There are a lot of men on this board who need to be more like him. I'm not going to get into a pissing match with anyone. Like I said, we can only provide advice and let it be. This bickering back and forth with eachother because we don't agree on their advice or have differing opinions takes away from the purpose of this forum. I'm not singling you out and saying you're doing it. I'm saying a lot of people are guilty on the matter. Anyway, my advice to the OP; you seem unhappy with the marriage, I'd end it asap so you can move on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I'm not going to get into a pissing match with anyone. Like I said, we can only provide advice and let it be. This bickering back and forth with eachother because we don't agree on their advice or have differing opinions takes away from the purpose of this forum. I'm not singling you out and saying you're doing it. I'm saying a lot of people are guilty on the matter. Okay so if there's no problem, then there should be no need to respond to my advice I gave OP. Link to post Share on other sites
Lorelei_Lane Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Okay so if there's no problem, then there should be no need to respond to my advice I gave OP. *sigh* You misunderstood what I meant, I only quoted your response to say that not all the responders were cheaters, that there were a few BS in there. The rest of my post was meant for everyone, as everyone was sort of second guessing advice given by others. I don't care what advice you give anyone, you can tell them to go throw rocks off a cliff for all I care, I just wanted to be sure that it was noted not everyone saying it was wrong were cheaters. That's unfair to lump people into categories. I'm not a cheater and I don't agree with what he's doing, but that doesn't make me a bad person, either. Neither is he for doing what he's doing, and neither are you for condoning his behavior. This right here, your defensive "don't respond to my advice" is what I was referring to. I wasn't questioning your advice. Like, I said, I couldn't care less what you tell him, I was just pointing out a simple fact that you were assuming wrong. That's all. Now it's turned into "Lorelei is a bad person for being a hypocrite and questioning my advice but she's telling us not to do that." I'm done with this. You can respond if you want, but like I said, I'm not getting into a pissing contest. I'm not t/j this anymore than it already has been. Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 *sigh* You misunderstood what I meant, I only quoted your response to say that not all the responders were cheaters, that there were a few BS in there. The rest of my post was meant for everyone, as everyone was sort of second guessing advice given by others. I don't care what advice you give anyone, you can tell them to go throw rocks off a cliff for all I care, I just wanted to be sure that it was noted not everyone saying it was wrong were cheaters. That's unfair to lump people into categories. I'm not a cheater and I don't agree with what he's doing, but that doesn't make me a bad person, either. Neither is he for doing what he's doing, and neither are you for condoning his behavior. This right here, your defensive "don't respond to my advice" is what I was referring to. I wasn't questioning your advice. Like, I said, I couldn't care less what you tell him, I was just pointing out a simple fact that you were assuming wrong. That's all. Now it's turned into "Lorelei is a bad person for being a hypocrite and questioning my advice but she's telling us not to do that." I'm done with this. You can respond if you want, but like I said, I'm not getting into a pissing contest. I'm not t/j this anymore than it already has been. As I said before and again if there is no problem then why the need to criticize the advice I gave OP. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 i find it so hilarious that this guy is getting negative feedback from 3 female cheaters on how he's wrong for using his own wife to get a nut off, trying to make it seem as though he cheated, when his wife double-crossed him. So what he screwed her, end of story. No big deal. Lay off of it. As long as he's still leaving the 304 then that's all that matters. how in the hell am i a cheater?? i don't cheat!!! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Sorry LL, but these double standards and sexism is getting ridiculous on this board. If anyone's getting "attacked" it's this guy, simply because he had sex with his wife because he was horny. Especially when he's the good guy here. There are a lot of men on this board who need to be more like him. Just because someone believes something different then you doesn't make them "sexist." I wouldn't sleep with my husband if I was leaving simply for the reasons I stated. If he is thinking that his wife fully understands and accepts that it is "just sex" then fine, whatever, I am not the Penis Police. Personally, I think it is sub-standard behaviour. He doesn't. It wasn't like he was sending me a Christmas card anyways. Neither is his wife. I was pointing out that it shows inconsistency and sends the wrong message, other people think otherwise and that's their business. Quite frankly, being called a cheater really pissed me right the **** off! Not only am I not a cheater, I have always maintained a high standard of sexual chastity and overcome a porn addiction for two years! I avoid masturbation despite the fact that my husband and I only had sex 11 times last year and twice this year. I believe sex to be reserved between a man and wife (at the very least two people committed to one another). My husband is a cheater and quite a cheater at that! What I have gone through emotionally, psychologically and physiologically I would not give to my WORST ENEMY! I DO NOT CHEAT. I DO NOT CHEAT BECAUSE MY FAMILY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT BLESSING IN THE WORLD TO ME, I DON'T EVEN GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION TO DESPITE THE CURVEBALL THAT HAS BEEN THROWN MY WAY. I DO NOT CHEAT BECAUSE I WISH TO BE A PROPER ROLE MODEL FOR MY DAUGHTER. I WOULDN'T RETURN WHAT MY HUSBAND HAS DONE TO ME. I DO NOT CHEAT. THE END. Link to post Share on other sites
Lorelei_Lane Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 That's exactly what I was trying to say Dreaming, WIY is completely and totally guilty of trying to lump everyone into neat little categories, and in the end all they do is hurt people... like you. I've decided I'm not going to bother with their responses anymore, even on my own threads, because they don't really provide advice so much as bring negativity to the table. *hugs dreaming* Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 She cheated with someone who was supposed to be my friend for three months, the whole summer last year. She's been trying to be remorseful but I don't want to deal with her no more. I layed it out on her last night. Told her about my resentment, how my anger is not subsiding and how she messed up everything, to how she treated me shortly after I found out about her and that bastard. Told her that sex with her is disgusting and that it reminds me of her affair. She told me she was very sorry for doing this to me and that she hopes I let her continue showing me that she will put me first. I said no she's of no value to me and I will divorce her. I left her in the bed to cry and slept downstairs. I ignored her all day today. I'm mad, the end. I think you did the right thing. I don't know how you can even stand to look at her. Good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
sugarbritches Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 She thinks that by having sex with him that he will forgive her and fall back in love with her. Sounds like she is wrong, but I am pretty sure that is what she is thinking. The only reason I think its wrong is, I am afraid that he will not beable to move on if he is still having sex with her. and Angry sex is like saying you are mine bitch here take that. (lol) Good luck to you, I hope that you can move on and have a great life, minus the cheating wife. I left my cheater and it was the best thing I ever did! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 OP's wife wanted to have sex with him. He wanted to have sex with her. Refusal to have sex when they both wanted it with each other would have been a very passive-aggressive move. IMO refusal to have sex when they 'both wanted it' would bs an acknowledgment that they don't both share the SMS commitment to one another, nothing passive-aggressive about it. I personally wouldn't go there in an already volatile situation. I wouldn't fo it because it could easily stir up too man emotions. Not everyone under the Sun has to agree with my stance, but it doesn't mean there is some gaping hole in my character either. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Plus sleeping with a man that is on his way out the door would cause me to feel used. Link to post Share on other sites
elaina Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Do these bunnies ever stop bouncing? Lol no. I am sorry for your pain and I think you are right to divorce her. I feel sorry for her too... she's already regretting what she did. It definitely sounds like she lost an awesome man because of her poor decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Notspoken Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 Lol no. I am sorry for your pain and I think you are right to divorce her. I feel sorry for her too... she's already regretting what she did. It definitely sounds like she lost an awesome man because of her poor decisions. Yea, thanks Elaina. As soon as I get everything in order we can start the divorce process, separate, and form a joint custody agreement. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 Yea, thanks Elaina. As soon as I get everything in order we can start the divorce process, separate, and form a joint custody agreement. Aside from one place where our opinion differs, I think it highly commendable that you gave the relationship a good chance at healing. Hopefully you find a more fulfilling circumstance in the future and are able to have a great relationship with your children. I am quite familiar with the pain of being s betrayed spouse. I will say again that EMDR therapy can greatly assist with taking away the sting of betrayal. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts